Dom/mes, can You love a sub who….

[Jo****]

Nothing wrong with you, my dear. Some people are users and ***rs. If a Dominant tells you or shows you who they are, believe them. You hold the power in a D/s relationship; the Dominant is there to fulfill your needs, wants, desires while respecting your limits, dislikes, boundaries.
You got this. Keep your expectations HIGH! You're worthy of someone's best efforts!

[Deleted Member]

A true DOM Loves and cares for their SUB ...if anyone tells you "I don't love you and I never will" walk the F**k away!!!! A DOM is a protector and the DOM/SUB relationship is about protection and nurturing and yes Love. If anyone out the gate says "I don't love you and I never will" there are underlying issues there that you want no part of...

[gp****]

I for one need more context .. but to me.. just going off this .. it sounds like You have no limits?? Again I could be wrong?? But yes I agree. If You don't know what you want, & it sound like You are a slight people pleaser... Doms will step all over You. If you do not know what you're looking for. It's very hard to find. I promise it's out there. You do not have to like everything, you do not have to try everything... Everything is not what a person/sub is... It is about a safe space w a trusted person... Safe words co.kunication and safety & consent at all times. PERIOD.

It sound like the doma You find just want to show kindness and use you for sexual gratification, BUT AGAIN!

that's is just what it sounds like to me... Umm perhaps a longer vetting period. Meet & greet dates, talking about each other likes limits safe words, um bad experiences .. a professional will want to talk about all of what makes him & you tick. If he's a real one . Happy hunting.

[ObidentlyMe]

Such a lovely topic. I’m so glad you shared and asked. I agree with all the comments above. I vet a lot, leave a lot of mystery and desire, and chose not to engage in dynamics where there’s no desire for the relationship. I think of it as… I stay away from situationships where the dynamic couldn’t be more.

[Bi****]

I think it really just has to so with the person. You should try to find someone who can meet your needs with the understand of what you want and need

[ty****]

I have had several subs over the years and while I cared for them I didn't love them, they were always a secondary relationship that served our sexual needs. I have however just recently started a new Dom/sub relationship and from the moment we first met in real life I knew I would love her. We have since started the first relationship I've ever had that was both a primary couple relationship and Dom/sub. It's wonderful. I think it's common for doms to be looking for needs to be fulfilled but certainly not impossible for it to be both and real love to form.

[Je****]

I don't see how it'd be separate, in a LTR.
I don't even consider feelings with a part time sub, but LTR, there has to be love. I agree with the above though, vet the ever living f**k out of your prospective doms, and if they aren't vetting you, they're just gonna doormat you.
Respect, Trust, and Loyalty.

[Ray9799]

Any time I want a relationship with someone, I go into it with the hope that we will live each other. Even if its a D/s relationship, it shouldn't be a pre-set decision to not love you. In the same way, even if its a 24/7 relationship, it can and should still be rooted in love or at the least feeling for each other. Maybe that's just me as a romantic fool, or as an inexperienced domme, but I do truly believe that. Also, not to shrink you but ever heard the saying "we accept the love we think we deserve" I think this might be the case. In conclusion, you will find someone who loves you the way you like to be loved, just like you love others the way they liked to be loved.

[Do****]

For some people, the relm of kink and the relm of romance has no overlap. I think that if you require an emotional bond with someone, or rather, you know that you will develop an emotional bond with someone who you surrender yourself so completely to, then going forward you should absolutely be up front about that. Please dont misunderstand me, I am by no means saying that it's your fault that this happened to you. Im only saying that because you know this about yourself now, you owe it to yourself and any future potential partners to be honest about it. Guard your heart, and chin up love ❤️ there is someone out there who will see your heart and live every piece of it and accept all the love you have to offer

[mr****]

Yes. Some of can and do. Thinking a bit outside of a kink and more as a way of life, may dom's can be attached to their sub and also love. Personally for me even if I am a dom I can't ignore the psychological and emotional well-being responsibility it places on me. I value the strength and absolute submission and trust a sub like you demonstrates. It may not look romantic in the traditional sense, but you will feel it in actions, tone etc. I hope you find a worthy sanctuary.

[Do****]

I truly do not believe men can appreciate anything that comes easily.

I also think a lot of men who claim to be dominant are just emotionally damaged and using “dom” as a cover for ***, and such people are likely incapable of love as long as they engage in that state.

[Gu****]

I'm increasingly thinking I'm in the wrong place. I don't know how you could not love someone who devotes so much of themselves to you. You are literally the golden egg if what you say is true.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, aligurl80 said:

Two of my Master’s have been forthcoming from the start and told me they will never love me. I don’t understand have a person can go into a dynamic and decide ahead of time that they will never love you. I’ve always wondered if it Is a conscious choice or if it’s just something about me personally?

I wouldn't take that personally.

Whether they mean it, or not, they are trying to set a boundary that from the dynamic they are only looking for something short term so to speak and can't/won't offer more.   It MAY be that they have another partner. It MAY be that they simply don't wish to commit. It MAY be they've involuntarily hurt someone (emotionally) in the past.  

This said, they can't control how their feelings will go however much they claim

[PF****]

We can.. and do.. although many don't or rather.. won't.

I love my ex-sub partner dearly, always will.. even after almost a year apart. Kink is intense, and the feelings that can go with it are intense. I agree with the above damaged comment.. Some guys see those feelings as a weakness and won't allow themselves to go there. Maybe they use it as a power play... to have someone who adores them regardless.

Guys that love and even adore their subs are out there.

[Zis]

Greetings from a dom here: bratty or totally submissive subs/slave are worth of love and eventhough i might not intend it, eventually I fall in love at some point and they feel it in the aftercare. If you want love, then search and demand it. The connection of a d/s dynamic can be very deep so I wouldnt be able to contain any emotions for my submissive. If they dont feel it and you need it, just leave.

[Da****]

As I sit here and think on this is will relate a story about a friend of mine. Very good dom, strong, strict when it needed to be. However, he could not dominate his wife. The why is simple, he loved his wife greatly, so much so that after time he couldn't bare to possibly cause harm to her. In the end he had to find an outside dom to take care of her submissive needs.

I have seen a few doms who have this mentality, and I myself, have had issues with it. It took many talks with my mentor and a few submissive partners before I was able to get past the blocks, many being social/religious in differing amounts. I had to switch my mentality from "Son a real man never hurts, harms or strikes a woman, more so if you love them" to a stance of "I show my dominance by giving what she needs including kinks" Needs being key here.

Personally I make it part of initial talks.. I want to know her time involvement needs and desires, her emotional needs and desires. If they are not with in a range I can give i tell them and the sub can decide to proceed or not.

[Dr****]

Hey this isn’t your fault. It’s not that you’re incapable of being loved. It’s that you are obeying people and giving everything to people who are taking you for granted. You aren’t being loving towards yourself by devoting everything to people who will never treat you with the same kind of love and affection. You can’t love someone hard enough to make them love you. It’s really hard to come to terms with after all the effort you put in, but some people are genuinely incapable of loving anyone but themselves.
Especially women being submissive to men, when you aren’t picky about your doms many of them will think you being submissive is inherent to your being and that they deserve your submission and love just because they are a man or something. They never feel the need to show love back or anything. This doesn’t just apply to men and women like that but it’s a really common sentiment. Doms who don’t believe submission is earned and a sub is a privilege, they will never respect you and show you the affection you are wanting.

[Dr****]

I want to specify, it’s not your fault that you are trying to win their love back or that you are doing something wrong. It’s extremely irresponsible for a dom to have their sub telling them they love them and not breaking off the relationship if they can’t feel the same way and provide what you need or telling you they love you back. That’s their responsibility to set those boundaries specifically to prevent this.

You need to show some love to yourself by picking a dom that can actually fit your needs rather than trying to shape yourself around a dom and earn their love in some way. Love isn’t earned, it’s not something you have to win over or do actions to get. It’s something that’s built together on respect and trust and affection. You have to take care of yourself first. Please be selfish and picky and defensive. You matter way more than any random Dom could. No one deserves your own love more than you.

[So****]

To want to give yourself wholly to someone is a deep need that we all have. But in order to recieve that kind of comittment is a large responsibility that not many people realize right away. To some this is a hobby to have fun with. And to others it's a way, maybe the only way, that they can truly connect with another person and there is nothing wrong with either....until they mix.
I am on a similar path so this kinda hits me hard. From here forward, if I may make a suggestion, have this conversation early about what you both want out of the arrangement and if you don't align it's ok to just respectfully walk away. Understand that while no one can change your feelings you can not change theirs.

[Vl****]

i understand it feeling like your fault, its pattern recognition and we naturally try to figure them out. for example: 4/5 women i loved found their husbands in the next man after me. it stings, a lot. i feel broken at times...is it a coincidence? did i teach them how to be loved and respected and we just werent a good fit? it doesnt actually mean im broken, there were reasons it didnt work, it just feels like im destined to teach women how they should be treated.

these men clearly made a choice and you are not a variable in it, but feeling the way you do is perfectly normal.

[Ba****]

Well i can only answer for myself here, i‘m personally not sure i can love, i can care, like and appreciate my partners around as much if not more than my friends and family up to and including my own mother(single parent) but i‘ve been repeatedly told that that is not love so i don’t really understand it and i tend to be open and upfront about it

I learned to tell people that i love them thou but that is more a calculated response to make them feel better because like OP says the alternative „hurts like hell“ and it’s technically not untrue enough to straight up be a lie, just not true enough to be the absolute authentic truth

But yeah „normal“ people in BDSM relationships outright refusing to love is weird, to me it’s just the same type of relationship just with a different flavour, so i would if i could
Why choose to be in what‘s basically equivalent to a loveless marriage from the start by design??

[Ne****]

Sounds like you're picking a**holes tbh. I've been into kinks for over 20 years and "dynamics" without some kind of relationship are just casual sex with extra steps, no matter how hard so called masters and doms try to sell it. You can maybe be best friends and have a more than average connection, but a M/s dyanimc without a relationship is a joke, and someone is def getting played.

[Deleted Member]

Man I think it is a question of limits. A good master push your limits always farther. Once someone is in love, he is naturally caring for the love one and that stop the process of pushing farther:(. May for you you need a master not completely dominant maybe I would find a balance even in love. Finally maybe your previous master did a good job and you are not anymore open to Bering loved because you are less than lovable. Question then. Do you need to be loved to be happy ?

[Ci****]

I can relate with you. I often wonder myself if I am "too good" or should I be more of a bitch. All of my girlfriends were always just rip roaring jerks to their guys (not in the lifestyle) and they seemed to just fall all over themselves to fall in line so they wouldn't lose them. Then there was me. Sweet, loving, always wanting to take care of my guy. The typical good girl. And it has been a big green flag for users and ***rs and predators. Maybe I'm a little naive in that I think everyone treats others as they want to be treated because that's how I am towards others but it's just not that way. And the older men I'm not interested in because I find they either want a mother or to be mommied. And the young ones want to experience the older more experienced woman with no.intentions toward her. I'm neither. I recently was in a relationship for over a year where I was led to believe some things we made plans because we were falling for each other (I was falling he "cared deeply but wasn't ready to say the l word") and he was in the process of leaving a current relationship where there was a child involved that wasn't his but who had only known him as his father figure. Then? One day he just disappeared from my life. After a year and 4 months. I was blocked from his phone never answered a social media message sent it was as if I never existed to.him. It has broken me. Over the course of that year he was consistent with building trust, being on the same page, making plans for our future together, was very encouraging, kind, and patient. So yes being a good girl sometimes feels like a double edged sword or a blessing and a curse so I implore you to always protect yourself and do your own thing. If the Dom is worthy...if he's really worthy of your submissiveness he will prove it through actions. Don't accept anything less. Because being a submissive doesn't mean you give up everything just because someone who tells you they're a Dom says so. If he's a true Dom, a good Dom he is going to map out explicitly his expectations your rules etc and you'll discuss them at length until both are satisfied with the contract. I wish you so much luck and love on this journey. And protection as well.

[Shilo66]

YOU are the problem not them. They've told you upfront that they're not going to love you, yet YOU still chose to stay with them anyway.

That's like deliberately putting your hand in the fire and then complaining that it's burning you.

You're not being too submissive, you're just not taking any accountability for your choices, and want people to sympathise with a situation that YOU control entirely.

You could easily choose a Dom who'd want to fall in love with you. However, I strongly suspect, after reading your profile, you'd find such a guy boring / uninteresting. 

You appear to want a "bad boy" who you hope will change for you. It doesn't work like that.

When you knowingly pick a "bad boy," and they treat you badly, it shouldn't come as a great surprise or shock to you, because that's what attracted YOU to them in the first place.

If you want something different, choose someone different.

YOU picked them. Anyone with a modicum of common sense and actual experience in BDSM and Kink, knows that it's the subs who picks the Doms and not the other way around... despite what our egos would like to think.

To paraphrase the end of what you stated in your profile... 'you're a grown ass adult and you'll make your own choices.'... so, make better choices.

 

 

 

Edited April 1 by Shilo66