Sex Drive

[Quil]

I am relatively new to accepting a dominant role and have been in an exclusive relationship with an experienced submissive for over a year. I am in my 40s and she is in her 30s. My sex drive right now is much higher than hers. Work, stress, COVID, moods, and insomnia play a big role in this. In the beginning of our relationship it didn’t seem to be an issue but as lately it has been hard. I know my responsibility for her is the most important. I want to be patient and understanding while committing to both our needs. Have any of you in the community experienced this in a relationship? If so, any advice would be welcome.

[ey****]

unfortunately...

 

covid has really hampered a lot of people's sex drives - and - I can see this being a big problem 

I think the main thing is you're not the only person like this  - so the acceptance this is a real thing is a good first step

I guess a little hope this comes back and work through it once covid eases off - that might lower some stress (or, if there's other causes of stress - work on those) and open up the ability to do things like date nights or whatever which can help break up routines

[NY****]

From a submissive standpoint I can say I had been caught in that rut in that same age group! Having my young children and too much to have to master on my plate didn’t allow for my submissive mindset at all! I have just recently in last year or two been able to let go and embrace and it has been night and day. Perhaps some of her rewards can be less sexual in nature and helping her out so she can have that time in the evening or whenever where she can truly let go and allow herself to only focus on you and your guidance for her? Assuming you are local to each other that is.
I know for myself that I could not let go and be submissive if my plate was over flowing. Your understanding and wanting to be patient is huge though and appreciated she just needs to find ways to allow the mindset to take over and that can be the challenge. Now I absolutely crave it and the sexual part as well in order to relieve stress and it is necessary for me. But only because now I know what it does for me. It took a while to be ok with it because it is such a mind switch from my daily grind at work and friends. We have no friends da who are aware of our Bdsm lifestyle and we live in a very remote area so yes it is and can be a challenge.

[Deleted Member]

Although I understand that we live in some pretty messed up world that can cause many different symptoms to many, I would say, first, it is a scientifically proven fact that sex helps release stress.
Also, the "home", the "us" is to be the place where we both do invest into "us", regardless what goes on in the outside world.
I don't know the specifics of your dynamic, what and how was agreed on so the followings are simply "general" ideas:
- you are the D, you set the rules, your needs need to be taken care of
- being a sub is not a pick and choose state, that one is a sub when feels like it. Once in it, she has her musts and those are to satisfy the D and I don't mean only sexually
- you as D of course need to be responsible and have her health and well being as priority but likely getting her onto her knees to give you a bj won't hurt her
- but before anything else, communication is the master key! You need to talk to her, with her. You must have an ongoing communication of being able to be aware of what is going on in the other.
Without it, all drowns into assumptions that never leads to any good.
And finally, you are the D so you need to lead ... with good examples as well!

[CherryP]

8 minutes ago, Searching said:
- you are the D, you set the rules, your needs need to be taken care of
- being a sub is not a pick and choose state, that one is a sub when feels like it. Once in it, she has her musts and those are to satisfy the D and I don't mean only sexually
- you as D of course need to be responsible and have her health and well being as priority but likely getting her onto her knees to give you a bj won't hurt her
- but before anything else, communication is the master key! You need to talk to her, with her. You must have an ongoing communication of being able to be aware of what is going on in the other.
Without it, all drowns into assumptions that never leads to any good.
And finally, you are the D so you need to lead ... with good examples as well!

I disagree with some of this.  Submissives have the right to change their minds.  D/s relationship is a consensual relationship and if one isn’t in the right frame of mind then it should not be ***d.   The relationship needs to be enjoyed by both sides and not just one.  Both parties needs need to met.  Consensual/Sane/Safe. 
 

Communication is the key.  Have a frank open discussion on how you both feel and talk about what you can both do to help the situation.

 

i find exercise helps with sex drive, mood, stress, insomnia and a variety of other mental and general health.   

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, CherryP said:

I disagree with some of this.  Submissives have the right to change their minds.  D/s relationship is a consensual relationship and if one isn’t in the right frame of mind then it should not be ***d.   The relationship needs to be enjoyed by both sides and not just one.  Both parties needs need to met.  Consensual/Sane/Safe. 
 

Communication is the key.  Have a frank open discussion on how you both feel and talk about what you can both do to help the situation.

 

i find exercise helps with sex drive, mood, stress, insomnia and a variety of other mental and general health.   

Dear CherryP,

As I said in my original answer, I don't know what kind of dynamics the OP is, so I obviously can't be specific.

As for your disagreement, that is perfectly fine, we all are entitled to our own opinions, views and ways of conducting our life.

On this note, IF we are talking about LS - not just kinky interests that usually is way more relaxed and is used within more limited areas of life - then for me a sub has no right to change their mind, unless it is first discussed between the D and the s and once it gets agreed on, changes can take place. So there is no ground to any of them to "complain" afterwards. 
Obviously within a scene there is the "safe word" so if s happens to have a change of mind, can use it and of course everything stops immediately. Although, I believe a discussion must follow in such a case too.
Also, IF we are talking about LS, then although all must be consensual, D's pleasure, comfort, needs are to come first. A sub's enjoyment comes from fulfilling those for D. 

Again, each to their own! 
And I see no problem with that.
Also, I don't think I implied anything that goes against safe/sane/consensual.
Above is my 2 cent.
:) 

[Deleted Member]

Nobody said he should *** to do anything. Their Ds relationship has been establish so consent has been agreed. 
if sub started to change their mind at every wind turning what’s the point getting into a relationship, but that’s another question that we should not get into here. 
For the op, basing a Ds relationship on sex only, will eventually crash like this.  Bdsm is not and shouldn’t be focus on sex. It’s always good to practice one session sexless to evaluate skills and attitude for both side. 

[Deleted Member]

Please please please go read a book call Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. (Audio book is an easy listen) In it she explains how sex drives are a myth. She explains (quite scientifically) that it's all about context and what you can do to Turn off the 'off's and turn on the 'on's

Check out her TedTalks and YouTube content. Think she even has a podcast but she's a great writer, sex therapist/educator.

🙏👍