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Sex-Critical Feminist Submission: Can You Be A Submissive Feminist?

For every one of us who wants to celebrate kink and BDSM as empowering examples of free self-expression, you’ll find several others who think of it as being a perversion of healthy sexuality. How can we define sex-critical feminist submission, and can you be a submissive feminist?

 

The problem with sex-positivity

Us kinksters pride ourselves on being ‘sex-positive’. It's a phrase we use a lot, but it's not without its difficulties; our preferences are not formed in a vacuum. The things we’re into all have to come from somewhere, and that ‘somewhere’ is generally found in either our own personal histories or the society we live in.

Sex is not some super-special cordoned-off bonus level to which the game’s core mechanics do not apply. For example, it seems spurious to suggest that a kink for *** play has nothing to do with having lived one's whole life in *** culture.

 

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Being a sex-critical submissive feminist

Our kinks are, as the saying goes, okay - but they are not untouchable; they shouldn’t go unexamined, and they cannot merely be given a free pass. Examining the origins of our kinks and desires for submission makes us more aware of our own psychological makeups and helps us to be better critical thinkers.

This understanding arms us with the tools necessary not only to understand our life choices but also to defend them against those who may take them from us.

 

It's more complex than submission or dominance

There’s a lot of talk in BDSM communities about how vast the depth and breadth of who we are can be, and those points are valid. There are Dominants, switches, and submissives of all possible types, genders, and orientations out there - and there is nothing contradictory being a submissive feminist. Moreover, the world contains literally millions of people who destroy the popular conceptions of what BDSM practitioners are “usually like”.

We have to face up to it: on an ordinary night in an ordinary fetish club, you’ll see more female subs with male doms than you will any other configuration. On an individual level, we should all get on with doing whatever the fuck is right for us, obviously, but collectively - what does it mean to be a submissive feminist? 

 

Submissive feminist
Being a submissive feminist - submitting on your own terms.

 

What does sex-critical feminist submission really mean?

The short answer to that question is “we don’t know”. Very little study has been conducted in this area, and we have very little idea where kinks come from. We don't know if they’re hard-wired, if they’re universal or if they’re nature or nurture or merely the human condition.

For a lot of people, kinks and fetishes seem to come from a place of personal taboo. This is particularly true of homophobia play, race play, and Nazi scenes. All of these role plays are surprisingly common amongst gay men, people of colour and kink practitioners of Jewish descent respectively.

It is entirely possible that this is also about reclamation, about dragging something hidden out into the light where it’s less terrifying. “*** of a name increases *** of the thing itself”, as Harry Potter is fond of saying, and the same may well be true of slurs and subjugation. When you as a woman and as submissive feminist submit to something that is undoubtedly male authority, this is submission entirely on your own terms. This is a luxury we do not usually have.

Society is, effectively, brainwashing. There’s a good chance that we like a lot of these things simply because they’re what we know. That is to say; our sexualities are an amped-up, high-octane version of the rest of our worlds and lives. This might be the most troubling of the potential explanations, in a “the patriarchal en***ment is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!” kind of way.

 

The importance of sex-critical feminist submission

Humans, however liberated and unusual, have a strong tendency to behave in the ways that they are expected to behave. There seems a sort of grim inevitability to the fact that the maledom/femsub dynamic is so prevalent. Of course, it is, because that’s how the world works. I think it’s as important for feminism for us to think about this more as it is for our own communities and introspective tendencies.
 

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to genre fiction, social justice and M.A.C lipstick. 


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What are your thoughts on feminism and submission? Have you encountered people saying you can't be a submissive feminist? Share your thoughts in the Fetish.com forum. 

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    An alpha submissive’s perspective on performative dominance, misplaced trust, and knowing when to take your power back. There is a particular kind of man in the kink community who mistakes a woman’s willingness to submit for evidence of his own dominance. He knows the vocabulary. He understands the aesthetic. He can deliver a command with confidence, administer a respectable spanking, and occasionally produce a well-timed “good girl.” And somehow, he believes that makes him a Dominant. Gentlemen, we need to talk. I’m an alpha submissive. Outside of a dynamic, I’m independent, assertive, accomplished, and exceptionally comfortable being the person in charge. Submission isn’t something that happens to me because I lack the capacity to lead. It’s something I consciously choose to offer to someone whose character, competence, and consistency make surrender appealing. That distinction matters. Because recently, I found myself reminded that a man can be intelligent, educated, charismatic, sexually confident, and still be profoundly underqualified for the authority he wants you to give him. The Difference Between Dominance and Entitlement I had an ongoing connection with a man who presented himself as an experienced Dominant. He was intelligent. Cunning, even. Confident enough to be intriguing, and perceptive enough that I genuinely believed there might be something worth exploring. There was chemistry. There was familiarity. There was an established history between us. And there were moments when I caught glimpses of what the dynamic could have been. That’s perhaps the most frustrating part. It wasn’t that he was entirely incapable of showing up. It was that he demonstrated just enough awareness of what I needed to make his consistent failure to deliver all the more disappointing. He enjoyed my submission. He enjoyed the attention, the sexual access, the provocative exchanges, and the gratification of knowing that a strong-willed woman was willing to yield to him. What he didn’t consistently demonstrate was an equivalent investment in the experience he expected me to participate in. And that is where the distinction between dominance and entitlement becomes ***fully clear. A Dominant cultivates submission. An entitled man simply expects it. A Spanking Is Not a Personality Let’s address something that seems to confuse a remarkable number of men in this lifestyle. Being physically assertive does not automatically make you a competent Dominant. Neither does having a commanding voice, an impressive collection of toys, or a talent for telling a woman what to do. Those are tools. Dominance is what you do with them. A meaningful D/s dynamic requires curiosity about your partner, an understanding of their psychological and physical responses, communication, negotiation, attentiveness, and the willingness to learn what actually works for the person submitting to you. Not what worked on the last woman. Not what you’ve watched in pornography. Not what makes you feel particularly masculine. What works for her. I don’t expect perfection. I do, however, expect effort. I expect a man who wants to explore my submission to be genuinely interested in discovering what makes it fulfilling. And if I’m investing my vulnerability, my trust, and my energy into a dynamic, I expect more than the occasional command and a self-satisfied assumption that I must be having a wonderful time. Because here’s a little secret: A submissive can be compliant without being fulfilled. She can follow instructions without feeling connected. She can respond to your authority without respecting the way you exercise it. And she can enjoy individual encounters while recognizing that the dynamic itself is going absolutely nowhere. The Danger of Falling in Love With Potential This is where I have to hold myself accountable. I saw potential. Worse, I saw flashes of exactly the kind of dominance I find compelling. There was a particular moment when this man demonstrated genuine tenderness alongside authority. He held me, allowed me to settle into a vulnerability I rarely offer, and followed that intimacy with the kind of confident, playful direction that makes submission feel natural rather than demanded. It was effortless. And it was lovely. It also showed me that he understood, at least in that moment, what I had been trying to communicate. But one beautiful moment does not constitute a healthy dynamic. One well-executed interaction does not erase a pattern of inconsistency. And the occasional glimpse of the man someone could be is not a substitute for the man he repeatedly chooses to be. 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So is the obligation to respect the terms under which someone’s participation is offered. Protecting Yourself From the Wrong Dominant We spend considerable time in kink communities discussing physical safety. And rightly so. We talk about hard limits, safewords, aftercare, negotiation, and risk awareness. But I think we need to spend more time discussing the quieter forms of self-protection. Protecting your time. Protecting your emotional investment. Protecting your ability to recognize when a dynamic has become one-sided. Protecting yourself from mistaking someone else’s confidence for competence. And perhaps most importantly, protecting yourself from the belief that being a good submissive means endlessly accommodating a disappointing Dominant. It doesn’t. A title is not a credential. Experience is not proof of character. And a man’s desire to be called “Sir” tells you absolutely nothing about whether he’s worthy of hearing it. 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