How to accept myself as a submissive when I'm an LGBTQI+ equality activist?

[Ach1ll3s]

So, here's the problem. I'm an LGBTQI+ Human Rights activist. When I realized I was gay, I immediately accepted that and started to look at how to fix the homophobic society, not change myself. I never had an internalized homophobia either or so I believe. However, at some point, I realized that I do like the idea of sex, but the actual implementation was always... meh. So, I stopped having any sex around 2014 (5+ years from now). In a couple of years after that, I've got these thoughts of being dominated. As you already understand, those thoughts never went away. Every time I masturbate they somehow pop up in my head and I'm disgusted by them after I cum. I strongly believe in equality, in an equal non-abusive relationship. I fought for all this literally the second half of my entire life while living in a predominantly homophobic country! And now this... :'( I still don't know if I'm really that submissive or it's just lack of sex or even worse, a result being born and raised by abusive parents with a violent alcohol-addicted father and enabling mother. It's especially hard to think that all this happens to me because of my effing father. Anyway, I can't stand the fact that I hate a part of me and it doesn't help to fight other mental disorders generously "given" to me by my family.

Therefore, the question is how would you reconcile a BDSM relationship which is pretty much domestic/sexual abuse (disclaimer: I totally understand and support any activity with mutual consent, but for some reason, I can't feel that way) with being against any abuse and pro-equality?

Thank you for any answers.

[Ra****]

Do your research. There is equality in power exchange which is the kink you're talking about here. One person gives control and one person takes control. Without one or the other it doesn't exist. There are a lot of people in the community that are into BDSM exactly because of past abuse in a way to be the ones in control - in a relationship with power exchange even if you are the submissive part you have the power to stop at any moment in time. You have power in what happens. You have power as you choose who to give control over you to and when and how and where. There is equality in power exchange. By the way not all power exchange dynamics have masochism or sadism in them - pain is another kink that you appear to have. For me the physical pain helps me a lot with my emotional pain. It just helps me. And it doesnt come from a place of abuse but from a place of care - someone is giving me what I need to cope with life. All your problems right now are about perspective. You just have a very negative perspective over something you like. In a way you transformed the disgust some people feel for gay people into a disgust for your sexuality when in reality there is nothing wrong with this feelings. Be kind to yourself and also please be kind to everyone else in here. It's a bit insulting to say on a fetish site that people are abusive or looking to be abused.

[BigPolly]

If you believe truly BDSM is about abuse then you either need to educate yourself properly or it simply isn’t for you. Also a D/s relationship is set on an equal footing, without the gift of submission a Dom cannot Dominate & vice versa. A D/s relationship does not always have to involve sex, ultimate control, pain etc it depends which route people take.

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, Ach1ll3s said:

In a couple of years after that, I've got these thoughts of being dominated. As you already understand, those thoughts never went away. Every time I masturbate they somehow pop up in my head and I'm disgusted by them after I cum. I strongly believe in equality, in an equal non-abusive relationship.

Therefore, the question is how would you reconcile a BDSM relationship which is pretty much domestic/sexual abuse (disclaimer: I totally understand and support any activity with mutual consent, but for some reason, I can't feel that way) with being against any abuse and pro-equality?

 

BDSM is not an abusive relationship, in fact, BDSM doesn't have to have any form of pain or punishment at all, it can simply be the need to have someone tell you what to do on a daily basis, like a mother figure, which is actually what a lot of subs crave from a loving Mistress.

The problem is that most people see the letters BDSM and think it all about being spanked and whipped and humiliated and abused because thats what gets shown on porn sites and the media as a whole.

For instance: If you want a woman or a guy to tie you up and beat the living christ outta you, then you are consenting and wanting that person to do that to you, so in no way is it any form of abuse, it is what you desire to happen.

Now I personally would say you need to ask yourself why you crave that kind of thing? but the point is there is nothing wrong in it because you willingly wanted it.

For the most part, subs and slaves have the control, they go into it with their likes and dislikes and lines not to cross, and a good Mistress or Master will respect that and happily push the sub/slave to the limits of their lines, with safe words and other such things.

It is not and should never be confused with say a partner that dominates with cruel and manipulative behavior that makes a gf / bf feel scared or in danger, or a partner that loses their temper and beats their other half up for no reason, against their will, etc etc etc, that is domestic violence, abuse, rape, so on and so forth.

And from your post I think because you have come from an abusive background, thats why it is confusing and hard for you to separate the two.

[Ra****]

54 minutes ago, MaxineHunter said:

 

BDSM is not an abusive relationship, in fact, BDSM doesn't have to have any form of pain or punishment at all, it can simply be the need to have someone tell you what to do on a daily basis, like a mother figure, which is actually what a lot of subs crave from a loving Mistress.

The problem is that most people see the letters BDSM and think it all about being spanked and whipped and humiliated and abused because thats what gets shown on porn sites and the media as a whole.

Okay I'm sorry to correct you. But BDSM actually stands for Bondage Dominance and Submission Sadism and Masochism. So yes. BDSM does have to do with bondage and pain. However if you have said D/s then bondage and pain are not always involved.

Besides even in Caregiver/little play I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't definite it as having a mother or father figure. I'm into Daddy Doms and I certainly don't want them to be my father figure. I have one of those and I love him to death already. I want a partner even if he is one that is dominant over me.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, RavenSass said:

Okay I'm sorry to correct you. But BDSM actually stands for Bondage Dominance and Submission Sadism and Masochism. So yes. BDSM does have to do with bondage and pain. However if you have said D/s then bondage and pain are not always involved.

Besides even in Caregiver/little play I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't definite it as having a mother or father figure. I'm into Daddy Doms and I certainly don't want them to be my father figure. I have one of those and I love him to death already. I want a partner even if he is one that is dominant over me.

No need to be sorry, everyone entitled to their own opinions, everyone has their own views on these things.

One can be bound mentally not just physically, so the D comes into effect without the others, and yes it is true that words can hurt far worse than physical pain to some people, especially the vulnerable, and again it boils down to the point of the end user and what they seek from the whole dynamics of the relationship of the D/s and all the facets their in.

I knew a lady in the USA who had had a really nasty childhood, not love at all from her parents, and was in her late 40's.

She had an online Mistress that through verbal control took care of her emotional needs like a mother would do, and the sub would act as a child as that was how she felt safe.

But talk wise the girl still got called pet and the Mistress was still referred to as Miss.

So thats why I said in my original post that it doesn't have to involve pain and other stuff, BDSM can be used for far deeper emotional needs, as when you think about it, the trust needed for a D/s to work well goes far deeper than any loving relationship tends to go, so it's a dynamic that can be expanded to so many other types of scenarios that a lot tend not to associate with it, but the D covers a hell of a lot of ground in both a good way and a bad way.

Blessed Be

[MirandaGrey]

Part of what you were fighting for was the right to be one’s self unapologetically.  It’s okay to equally own what you are into sexually, as long as its consensual.  As a woman, I want equal rights for women, of course, and am against abusive relationships.  Enjoyed Ng what I like sexually doesn’t weaken my stance on either of those.  Guilt robs people of the pleasure and intimacy they could be experiencing and embracing.  Getting your needs met is the opposite of seeking out abuse.   It’s a form of self-care, so recognize that your needs and desires are valid whether or not pass someone else’s sniff test.

[Ach1ll3s]



18 hours ago, RavenSass said:

It's a bit insulting to say on a fetish site that people are abusive or looking to be abused.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult anyone. I had to conceal my feelings and emotions my entire childhood, so I'm very good at that even decades later. And I'm awful in sharing my inner state. For some reason, I always seem to tell something wrong (and sometimes insult people) when I tell what I feel rather what's rational.

Edited July 21, 2019 by Ach1ll3s

[Ach1ll3s]

5 hours ago, MaxineHunter said:

For the most part, subs and slaves have the control, they go into it with their likes and dislikes and lines not to cross, and a good Mistress or Master will respect that and happily push the sub/slave to the limits of their lines, with safe words and other such things.

This is a good point. I guess I can't see it this way because I never saw ANYWHERE (porn, sex stories, movies, books, anywhere on the Internet) ANYONE using any safe words. I mean I know those should exist in theory but this is it. On the other hand, I have PTSD a bigger part of my life, so when someone sees a tasty apple, I'm afraid it has worms, and when someone wants to pet a dog, I know it will bite my finger off and there's nothing I'll able to do, so better to stay away and not engage. Wow! It pretty much describes my original post (never thought about that from this angle). So, I guess I don't believe in this "having the control" part. Now when I think about it, it's kinda ironical that I always wanted to trust someone and it always ended up bad.

[Ach1ll3s]

1 hour ago, MirandaGrey said:

Getting your needs met is the opposite of seeking out abuse.

That's a great point! Thank you.

[Ach1ll3s]

5 hours ago, MaxineHunter said:

Now I personally would say you need to ask yourself why you crave that kind of thing?

Oh, this is one hell of a question! I would've loved to know the answer. Is this who I am or is this a side effect of depression which forces me to engage in practices which may eventually be the end of me? I have no answer to that. However, avoiding  answering the question gets harder over time.

[Ach1ll3s]

14 hours ago, BigPolly said:

If you believe truly BDSM is about abuse then you either need to educate yourself properly or it simply isn’t for you.

No, I don't believe this. Moreover, I "preach" to people that in no way a consensual relationship is wrong or abusive. But that is from my rational part based on rational thinking. The emotional part of me, that I don't show much for obvious reasons, feels differently. Don't get me wrong, when I read that someone is in a BDSM relationship, I actually feel happy for them. I just can't feel like that when it's about me. I'm a hypocrite, I guess. I encourage people to do what I can't accept for myself.

[BigPolly]

36 minutes ago, Ach1ll3s said:

I just can't feel like that when it's about me. I'm a hypocrite, I guess. I encourage people to do what I can't accept for myself.

I don’t believe you are a hypocrite I just think you’ve decided yourself what BDSM is rather than listening to others. I think you should hang around on this site longer & see how people chat to each other, help each other out & share experiences. You may still decide that BDSM isn’t for you however you will also see that it isn’t what the porn clips show, it requires deep trust & respect held together with lots & lots of communication, more so than any vanilla relationship could give so that it gives mutual consensual pleasure no matter what form that pleasure comes in.

People are also entitled to their opinions but you can’t have an opinion if you don’t know all of the facts. 

BDSM isn’t for everyone & that’s ok, we are all wonderfully different. 😊

[ey****]

3 hours ago, Ach1ll3s said:

I never saw ANYWHERE (porn, sex stories, movies, books, anywhere on the Internet) ANYONE using any safe words. I mean I know those should exist in theory but this is it.

this is something that's always very important.   I don't think most generalised fiction has ever used a safeword.... porn... it's very rare to be shown on camera.  Even when it happens it might often be a non-verbal, or not obvious or simply cut out.  It's something to consider.  It's also worth considering that while those involved aren't necessarily actors, they are usually people who are experienced doing only activities they enjoy... and, well, there's ways to make things look worse than they are sometimes.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

this is something that's always very important.   I don't think most generalised fiction has ever used a safeword.... porn... it's very rare to be shown on camera.  Even when it happens it might often be a non-verbal, or not obvious or simply cut out.  It's something to consider.  It's also worth considering that while those involved aren't necessarily actors, they are usually people who are experienced doing only activities they enjoy... and, well, there's ways to make things look worse than they are sometimes. 

Some very wise words, and just to add to what you put:

Most porn clips online if they are 30 mins or below tend to have the beginning part cut out, this is normally where they are sat with the woman asking what she likes, doesn't like, whats she's willing to do, checking that she knows the safe word and what to do if she is gagged etc.

Now I'm not saying it's perfect, like any profession, sometimes things happen, look at professional wrestling, they hit each other, they plan the choreography, they learn how to hit each other with chairs in a way that it minimizes the damage of the blow, but at end of the day accidents happen, they get injuries, and porn is no different, everything we do in life has risks, you can walk out your front door and someone can come past on a bike an run into you.

Point being the women that do what they do know and accept it, and are very very well paid for the inconveniences.

But when you have depression, often it stops you seeing the beauty of the entire woods because all ya see is a bunch of trees.

[ey****]

7 minutes ago, MaxineHunter said:

, this is normally where they are sat with the woman asking what she likes, doesn't like, whats she's willing to do, checking that she knows the safe word

or guy  

I know some websites make a point of the sat down conversation at start and end - though, a lot of actual film days can be a bit more hectic and a lot is often decided/agreed in email or on-the-cuff i.e. while tying someone in "you're good with this and that and so on" - I've discussed scenes whilst being driven, on a plane, or over a coffee.  

There's also that a lot of people know each other and so can hit the ground running... and again, a lot of details get sorted even during set up.   We were moving things round a room the other day, while I was discussing some things I wouldn't do so they could prepare acceptable workarounds - so, in this case, and this might be close to "cheating" - it was a spitroast and the strapons each had two condoms - so when someone pulled out of my bum, they'd whip off a condom before making me suck, so I wasn't doing ATM - but the camera might not have caught that...

10 minutes ago, MaxineHunter said:

and are very very well paid for the inconveniences

I wish that were true  Outside the bigger companies - which is still often just a desiree day rate - it's a lot lower and often at the mercy on what sells....

[Deleted Member]

26 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I wish that were true  Outside the bigger companies - which is still often just a desiree day rate - it's a lot lower and often at the mercy on what sells....

That is true, and also depends on the scenes and things they willing to do as well.

Thanks for the correction there

[Ach1ll3s]

22 hours ago, BigPolly said:

it requires deep trust & respect held together with lots & lots of communication, more so than any vanilla relationship could give

I heard this a lot of times. I'm 36, so I've been through a lot. But I could never find anyone I could completely trust. And I never even tried to add to the definition of "complete trust" a part where I completely surrender all control, so a partner can actually harm me if he decides to. It actually gives me real chest pain and troubles with breathing just to think that some people can actually trust each other like that. I guess I prefer to believe this is not true rather than feel bad about what I can't have (it doesn't mean that I don't believe you, maybe it just works for you and not for me, IDK). I think this is one of the reasons I don't like dogs. They always trust and love their owner no matter how many times he or she betrayed that trust. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like a stray dog, so maybe it's just jealousy.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Ach1ll3s

[Deleted Member]

Off pieste there are some very articulate ppl here, excellent debate, arguement and wording. 

[BobBobbly]

Forget the LGBT "movement", "pride", "flag", "parade", etc. stuff (heterosexuality, bisexuality and homosexuality are millenia old and they all are Natural, and they don't need to be flaunted in a shallow, glittery, substance-less, cheap, silly, gimmicky manner, either), and instead just be yourself. I'm bi, more gay, and in my early 30s, by the way, and I don't care about this "movement", etc. stuff. Younger persons are more impressionable, and obviously they are trying to find themselves - lost in "movement", etc. things. Just be.

[Deleted Member]

I think that in most cases being an activist is harmful.  It can lead one into conformity and group think.  When things get better, activists look for more reasons for to justify their existence, which can lead to mental problems.  I was an activist and one day I realized it was a BS life. 

It took me a couple years to recover totally from the mental problems activism caused me because I had stopped thinking for myself.  Once I realized that being a true believer and pretending to accept the orthodoxy was the root of my problem, then the way out was clear.  Sound like I'm talking about a  cult? I am, except no one calls activists members of a cult.  Many become brownshirts and in academia they have created an ideological police state.  Walk away.

I am not mainstream, so in many ways I wing it when it comes to sex.  Winging it means that I know what I want and seek it out, but once I find it, I let it unfold and go with the flow.

My understanding of Bondage and Discipline, for example, comes from all kinds of things like porn, stories, formal definitions, forum posts, sexual experience, one on one etc.   So B&D is very sexual and personal for me.  I have a need to submit to another male to satisfy his need to dominate.   I want him to know that with me he can be who he really is and that together we can enter that zone we are looking for.  I don't want to play games.  I want it real as possible.

It is hard to find a good partner.  Most encounters are not completely satisfying because it takes being uninhibited to really get the mojo going.  You have be willing to let the breaks off.   I don't waste time anymore. 

If I'm with a guy who doesn't know what he wants , then I let him go.  That is good advice.   Right now I've met someone who is what I want and I am doing all I can to show him I am what he wants.  It is fucking good between us.  I wouldn't have met him if I had spent useless time in relationships I knew were not going anywhere and being stupid thinking things will change.

The fact you are uncomfortable with yourself is good.  It means you have a chance to find what it is you want.  Embrace it.  Learning about yourself can be painful, but if your honest you get to the next level.  You  will not end up being who you think you should be, but will end up being the person you are.