To discipline vs encourage

[ba****]

What are ways I can help my sub meet their goals that aren’t just punishments?

[Ve****]

Online or in person?

[KS****]

I struggle with house chores. I like to have a little surprise treat waiting for me at the end. Depending on how much I can't be bothered, sometimes my partner will tell me what the surprise is.

[FL****]

Rewards, praise and encouragement. Make sure you know why your sub has those goals and help them remember those reasons. Mostly it will depend on the individual sub’s personality. Some enjoy the idea of avoiding a punishment vs earning a reward or both at the same time. When in doubt you can always offer a few choices and see what they pick.

[sillysub]

Give them motivation. Reward them.

[gp****]

Brat passes are always a good reward, an extra dr.pepper, at dinner 🍽️😋 more screen time. Extra cuddles or a date pass Wich means they pick everything!!

It REALLY depends on what goals, and how they react to learning/what their growing to become. Weither it be a better sub, a more obedient one, or all around sub. A better sub for remembering to exercise, specific tasks, education goals, or less screen time or bad habit breaking.

Encouraging words action and oral stimulation are always a good choice. 😜

[ba****]

53 minutes ago, Vexrin said:

Online or in person?

I welcome both

[Ba****]

It depends mostly on what kind of dynamic you have, who your partner is and who they wanna be or what the goals are

For example is they are disorganized and want to change that you can sit down with them and make a whole progression plan or schedule
Or if they struggle more with focus you could split things into sections and milestones to basically turn the progression into a sort of game in and off itself

Also what is punishment for some can be a reward for others and while some gain motivation by encouragement during a task other are more likely to get distracted by it

Overall most of your „job“ is just paying attention so understanding what they wanna do, noticing where and how they are struggling or not, recognizing achievements or failures and knowing when to be rigid or flexible

Ps for any actual advice that isn’t as broad as possible i‘d need to know more about your type of situation

[La****]

Teach them the solutions. Teach how to navigate and solve problems. Then put it to practice. Give affirmations so they can keep going. If they do good, then give rewards. They messed up big time? Punishment. Then repeat.

[Ta****]

Praise progress

[KnightOfCydonia]

It’s honestly totally dependent on the sub and their personality type. For me, I value discipline and correction, even if I dislike it in the moment, because it creates authenticity and consequence that makes the dynamic feel really and that’s crucial to me personally. And that first bit is key; if you genuinely wish to correct behaviour then punishment has to be something they dislike and won’t “brat” in order to receive it. For me, that’s long, boring, repetitive tasks that are unsexy and not related to kink. I think that’s pretty universal, repeating chores over and over for no reason or writing lines, for example, not many people enjoy that.

As to your second question, how to encourage. I think most s-types also enjoy praise on some level. How you express that is again more of a personal thing for you and your sub. But submissive types like to know they’ve pleased their dominant on some level, as that’s essentially the thing that underpins a D/s dynamic. The Dominant likes to see their sub obey and please them, and the sub likes to see that they’ve done that well. Chastity is a good carrot/stick mechanism in general too that functions in both punishment and reward directions. It’s important, though, if physical intimacy is a part of your relationship, that chastity/denial doesn’t involve withdrawing that physicality entirely, as that can cause feelings of neglect/detachment that genuinely harm the relationship. It’s more about maintaining the same level of physical closeness but calibrating what kinds of things that involves. Obviously you don’t need me to get explicit in describing the details, but you get what I mean.

More broadly, I think understanding what your sub enjoys as a reward is something that’s valuable. In this context, a reward is essentially like a treat, and can be almost anything really, kink or non-kink. Something that isn’t a regular thing either for them or in your relationship in general, but that you can allow them/give to them/do for them when you feel they deserve it. If you make it clear that X reward is on the table for good behaviour, that gives them something to work towards. And if they fall short, explaining to them why that reward is being revoked will sting in the moment (which is the point), but also gives them specifics to work on and encourage them to improve for next time. We all remember as a kid, the experience of having something we were looking forward to taken away for bad behaviour. Same psychology really!

[JM****]

Can you do both without hurting people feelings encouraging *** is pleasure as long as nobody hurt but obedience comes from within and without thinking about Star Wars- Darth Vader *** was ultimately being in Vader suit but his pleasure was Padme He loved her till he became a *** ghost. To give *** was Palpatine pleasure he was inflicting *** on Vader and wanting planets his slave . Until Luke refuses the *** like his father. So he refuses it

[si****]

Ask them. Everyone is different.

[Vi****]

Both are essential but the timing is important.

[BlueGrace]

When meeting goals, punishment isn’t really what comes to mind when they fail to achieve. If anything, it causes a set back. Punishments are for rule breaking in my opinion.
I enjoy using a point system with my goals that my Doms monitor.

[BlueGrace]

Whoops, hit send too early. With our point system I am able to spend earned points for meeting daily goals. The rewards are specifically tailored to what I enjoy. If I fail to meet those goals that day then the natural consequence is not earning my full points. If I continue to not meet my goals then the goals are altered or we have a discussion on why I’m failing to meet my goals.

[sp****]

A good way is positive rein***ment, giving something whenever they reach an approximation of a goal or doing so every time the my do a certain number of tasks. Alternatively errorless learning in the sense of correcting within certain amount of seconds of not being given the correct response.

[er****]

Sticker chart. You would be surprised how effective shiny stars can be

[te****]

Depends on what their needs are, for me that would be some quality time. I work can to can't hours.

[si****]

systematically introducing someone to a sexual dynamic they wouldn't have chosen, because you need it, while using relational leverage inherent in D/s to make refusal feel costly is manipulation. It must be decided and accepted by both outside of the dynamic.

[Ba****]

2 hours ago, si-whiz said:

systematically introducing someone to a sexual dynamic they wouldn't have chosen, because you need it, while using relational leverage inherent in D/s to make refusal feel costly is manipulation. It must be decided and accepted by both outside of the dynamic.

Wait, technically not wrong but where did that come from??
You know the topic here is basically „ideas for guided self-improvement“, right??

[Si****]

Make sure things are well defined. If its a situation of “pass or fail” there can’t always be a happy or soft ending.

I’ve had partners intentionally “fail” at times because they wanted to fail and be punished. That’s a double edged sword that I’ll call out on the spot, “okay, I see what you’re doing.”

Within the established rules I act accordingly even when its obvious the intentions of my sub to fail.

Fine, until they actually fail while trying not to fail, “so sorry hunny, the rules are the rules.” 🤣🤣🤣💋