Demisexual - A blessing and a curse

[Ra****]

When you read the definition of demisexual, all too often when it comes to this type of sexuality, people either don't understand or just say, '' isn't that just being normal.''
No, it isnt. 😒.
Where a man/woman could look at someone they deem a good looking man/woman and feel sexual attraction in days/weeks. I take many months, if at all.
Where most men or woman could be in a relationship with someone and have sexual relations in days or weeks. I take months.
For me, only after building trust, communication, respect, mutual bond, patience, being selfless, being *** with one another, could sex even be considered.

I care more about someone's character, than their looks. Yes, I may have a '' type'', but if there's no emotional bond, then nothing happens.
Translation: You have to have more going for you than a handsome face and a cock.

Demisexuality is not a choice.

Ive made the stupid mistake and decision, thinking I could be platonic friends with someone I was attracted too and wanted a relationship , but he was just lustful towards me, and knowing our differences, he offered me friendship🙄, guess how that turned out.. I fell for him hard and he didn't feel much for me except lust, so lesson learned.

The dating scene is so difficult and different for someone like me. I've tried to move things at a pace that society expects, and that just doesn't work.
When men try to speak to me in a sexualized manner, even joking, before any bond is formed, I'm honestly... Repulsed. I've often wondered if I'm asexual, but in my research I've come to the conclusion, I'm definitely not.
In this dating world of casualness and hookups and lies and being unfaithful, I feel so out of place.
I've been told on more than one occasion..
I'm never going to find someone if I don't change
I've been told to give up on dating
I've been told that something is wrong with me.
Does anyone relate??

[jj****]

I don’t know how accurate the label is, but I usually take some time too. Not months, but I need to actually see what’s in someone’s mind to connect with them like that.

I might know someone for years and never develop any level of romantic interest in them.

I might hear someone give a presentation on something at a conference though and my ears perk up, I stick around to listen to more, I read more, etc etc and then wham bam alright let’s get nasty right here right now.

I need that intellectual stimulation. If it’s not there, people all kind of look the same to me. Facial symmetry and a clear complexion just isn’t interesting if that’s all there is.

[Hypnocurious]

Yes, I can relate. There is nothing wrong with you. Other people tell you to give up yet you keep going. You do you all the way. You know what you don't want. What if you knew what you do want. You just need a little help to realize it. I would like to talk more about how you want to be more real for you. What would that feel like for you.

[La****]

I can relate so hardly.
There is nothing wrong with you and you shouldn’t hinder from the dating scene just bcs it is flooded with ppl who are different than you.
I personally cannot be with anyone whom I don’t have any emotional and intellectual connection with. It’s just not possible at all.

You will find your person. It just takes time. Especially in the kink scene where most ppl just want to do perverted stuff then dipped.
Make sure to never settle bcs the costs of you betraying yourself is too immense.
People are entitled to their preferences.

[un****]

I'll just say that being repulsed by men who immediately go to a sexual comment is something a lot of women feel. Frankly, it's exhausting trying to tell them a woman is more than a piece of ass. Now I just excuse myself in person, or refuse ongoing communication.

Though your timeline may be different than most, what you're looking for is not:
*respectful communication,
*a genuine connection, and
*someone to explore this crazy world with.

I would agree with the post above, you need to know not only what you don't want (so you can weed out those who don't suit you), but also what you want ( so you can ask some questions relevant to your kink).

[Curiously_Exploring]

I hear you!
It makes dating difficult, but not impossible. If someone is invested in you, they will take things at your pace.

What I like about kink, is that it can be sexy, but it doesn't have to be s3xual. Getting tied up, for example, is fun and exciting - it can be like an intimate dance. But it doesn't have to lead to s3xual activity.

[sn****]

I get what you’re saying about needing a real emotional bond first, that part makes sense. But you also said you were already attracted to him and wanted a relationship before that bond was really there. That sounds less like sexual attraction and more like emotional or romantic attraction getting mixed together. Not trying to nitpick, just pointing out that those aren’t the same thing, and it might explain why that situation went sideways

[tc****]

'Tis a tough thing to be, for sure. But I wouldn't have it any other way. 😉

[DO****]

being demisexual and trying to find friends with benefits is exhausting. they wanna fuck first, talk later and that's not how i roll.

[Li****]

I can absolutely relate. My time frame was always two years before I would even consider marriage. That to me is when the skeletons, or fakes start to surface, don't get me wrong, I've been in plenty of relationships that lasted over the two years. However, I always wanted what my parents had. Till death do them part. I agree with looks aren't everything for me. I honestly don't think that people actually know what true love really is nowadays. I found that years ago, now don't get me wrong, we've all been in love before. But was it true love? I actually did find that years ago. I met a gal through playing online games and we would chat literally every day for a very long time. We connected in a way that I didn't know was possible. One day she told me that she had breast cancer. I remember driving 45 minutes to my parents house and as a grown man literally crying telling my mom the story. Also keep in mind that we had never met each other nor had we ever seen a picture of each other. I fell in love with a person not an image. Eventually we did trade photos I got a webcam and we communicated through that but she was absolutely beautiful yes I could tell she was sick but that meant nothing to me I would have taken care of her like the princess she was. Unfortunately time passes Us by life happens we continued to talk but another guy two is a lot closer to her slid in and I kind of just let her go. Unfortunately I never got to meet her. I was friends and am still to this day with her mom on Facebook and one day I asked how she was doing and she told me that she had passed. It broke my heart. I guess the moral of that story is everybody is so hyped up on looks and *** and have to be extravagant, hell richness to me is to be happy . That's all I want to be is happy. I'm not going to be a millionaire, I'm not going to have fancy cars, I just would love to be happy. That's it. Thank you for posting this because honestly I was trying to unsure myself of what Demisexual was.

[8u****]

Im the exact same way. Most think im just leading them on... but reality is I just wanna get to know their soul so I might feel that way.

[Deleted Member]

I'm A Retired Model who's Extremely Erotic with Never finding the right particular one ~ Been Alone Completely with No Sex pretty much my whole lifetime of just loving myself... I'm Also the same as what's Happening with my Solo life

[Ja****]

So instead of taking it as a compliment u almost villianize the guy for his "lustful" ways. Its a physical act nothing more unless YOUR head views it different. I'll be u there was ZERO communication about that bc it's normal to feel lustful attraction at the beginning. I'll let u in on a little secret, no man is going on a date with a woman unless he is already sexually attracted to her plain and simple

[Ne****]

Demisexual is under the asexual umbrella, so if you are demisexual you are a part of the asexual spectrum. A lot of demi people start out being completely ace and then find out they're demi. That's possibly my case, I've only been attracted to one person-my boyfriend anything before him was purely romantic or platonic.

[vi****]

I can relate. I've always known how my sexuality works, but didn't know the term until recently, and only just now am I starting to really explore the nuance of where exactly I fall on the demi spectrum. Many people have had responses like JaradIA, taking it personally. "Haven't I put in enough work by now? Can't you tell I'm sexy just by looking at me?" But it doesn't work like thay for demi people. I stopped finding my ex physically attractive after finding out what kind of person he really was. And I've gotten to know people who I wasn't attracted to at first, but then the beauty of their soul became reflected on the outside.

[an****]

Normal is different for everyone 😅 and people are rude when they don't understand something. Your explanation and insight is appreciated. You are not stupid or naive just learning and growing through different dynamics. The way pleasure receptors work alines differently depending on what influenced your life along the way. Early pleasure may have come from intelligence or caretaking. Physical appearance or acts may have had early negative or harsh ties. This doesn't make you odd or unique (not in a bad way) just doesn't align with highly physical interfaces but does align with similar growth patterns that may be found in a lecture hall or community service. For me my story starts long before it should have but was physical and even though I now know how wrong that was by society rules, my brain already locked the blueprint, so I can fight it or own it. I accept it and try to make the best of it. I seek subs because I needed someone to protect me, so I became that person. Our origin is not just trauma or a burden it is the key.

[Li****]

14 minutes ago, anotherusername said:

Normal is different for everyone 😅 and people are rude when they don't understand something. Your explanation and insight is appreciated. You are not stupid or naive just learning and growing through different dynamics. The way pleasure receptors work alines differently depending on what influenced your life along the way. Early pleasure may have come from intelligence or caretaking. Physical appearance or acts may have had early negative or harsh ties. This doesn't make you odd or unique (not in a bad way) just doesn't align with highly physical interfaces but does align with similar growth patterns that may be found in a lecture hall or community service. For me my story starts long before it should have but was physical and even though I now know how wrong that was by society rules, my brain already locked the blueprint, so I can fight it or own it. I accept it and try to make the best of it. I seek subs because I needed someone to protect me, so I became that person. Our origin is not just trauma or a burden it is the key.

Interesting that you brought up that early pleasure may may have come from intelligence or caretaking. My fetish or kink came around the age of 3 or so. I had been searching my entire life why I was the way I was. It wasn't until about maybe 10 or 11 years ago that I read something that totally changed my perspective of why I have this fetish. It was something that was right in front of me but never figured it out. Growing up my mom was a babysitter and I did not get the attention that I should have gotten due to all the other kids getting the attention from her. I don't have mommy issues but often wonder what that would have been like to be brought up normal if you will. Not that I'm not normal but my fetish I still feel is very frowned upon. You made a very good point, thanks for sharing.

[BT****]

I understand the difficulty of being demisexual, blessing and a curse is right.