What would make you join the community?

[Qu****]

As someone who's active in my local community it does surprise me the number of people on this app who aren't involved in their local community & don't seek out education. What would make you want to get involved? Demos, education (if so what kind), parties?

[jj****]

I tried it, but I didn’t like it. I found that it was mostly couples and the men were generally too pushy. It’s just not a great place to meet singles.

[Ka****]

I don’t even know how to find the community. I don’t like clubs or in your face sex. I’ve been to a couple low key munches and that is my preference. But as far as community. I’m more into staying with just Master. Perhaps finding a friend or two for discussions and camaraderie. 

[Fu****]

I suppose I just dont get the social aspect of kinky stuff?

[Ja****]

I think something to consider is that outside major urban centres like Manchester or London, there is significantly less going on (although it is better than it was). Great chunks of the UK are a long way from where a lot of this stuff is concentrated which then raises a number of practical issues in accessing them. My experience is that it tends to be very couples-dominated where a lot of people there will have known each other a long time and this can make it difficult to break into and quite hard to meet single people.

[sardonicus87]

Eh, where I live is rural, there's not no community, but there's not much of one. I don't need education (I've had plenty and they don't provide education on anything I haven't heard 9,000 times already). I'm not interested in rope, fire or wax, which seems to be the only demos ever done.

I'm not active because it's the same 5 legit kinksters and the same 10 non-kinky but otherwise sex-positive people. There's literally nothing there for me, nobody shares my kinks.

I also hate activities. Nobody can just chill and talk, everything has to be a stupid event/activity. If it's not education, it's board games. I hate that, and I also hate crowds.

Despite that, I've wasted my time attending in the past and I sporadically waste my time in the present and will in the future, because "that's the only way to meet people", even though nobody wants to meet anyone new, they're all cold and standoffish (but that's everything these days, not just kink).

How could you get me to go? Make it just coffee and talking, no education, no games, no activity, and make there be a chance that there might be an actual masochist in attendance that might be open to play partners, or otherwise make there be chill (re: not spastic people with 0 social skills/awareness) people who outnumber the spazes. Just actual normal people being normal, quiet and low-key. Basically, make munches exactly the opposite of what apparently everyone else but me demands.

[sardonicus87]

Also even then for me, that's just for basic attendance, I am not a "community" type of person, I don't need or want a crowd, I'm fine with a few close individuals as friends (of which I have none), so I am never going to be a group participant and drink the koolaid and do cheers or whatever. I don't get fuzzy feelings from "being part of something bigger" or whatever "community" is supposed to be.

[ma****]

I don't know how to get involved. I am nervous too. I have a lot of self image issues. I would love to be involved. I think that it might help when making partner decisions. I also don't drive. I would love to have someone who is more experienced to answer questions, like a mentor. Having an experienced friend would definitely help.

[an****]

My local community is an overlap of burlesque and theater scene people. It is a lot easier for new friends to view the event as a job fair, not a job, not a bar scene, not a smash spot, just a networking event splashed with Hot topic clothing and spicy entertainment. Go window shop (not hook up), be decent, make connections, the reality is the community happens outside events and the vast majority of people are just normal people outside the events. Couples are not your enemy just treat them like people not playthings and it all becomes a lot easier to manage. Everyone has a personality on display at the event same as a job fair or some other dress up event. Just remember that the connection has to extend past the event or meeting to become more than surface level with a character build. Expecting more than surface level for first encounters (applies to IRL too) can be disappointing but remember we don't deserve more than adequate effort for just showing up and standing in a similar area. Expect to receive the effort you give. Clothing/costumes is/are a huge signal for 'talk to me' or 'leave me alone' or 'I'm not trying to do this', so you can get a lot of attention if you are shy by just putting a lot of effort into your outfit. Back to the job fair idea, dress for the job you want. And be reasonably reachable, have a kink online presence or something you can give out that is safe and easy to share, think QR code or easy to search name or just active on common socials as the persona you bring to the fair.

[Qu****]

6 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

Eh, where I live is rural, there's not no community, but there's not much of one. I don't need education (I've had plenty and they don't provide education on anything I haven't heard 9,000 times already). I'm not interested in rope, fire or wax, which seems to be the only demos ever done.

I'm not active because it's the same 5 legit kinksters and the same 10 non-kinky but otherwise sex-positive people. There's literally nothing there for me, nobody shares my kinks.

I also hate activities. Nobody can just chill and talk, everything has to be a stupid event/activity. If it's not education, it's board games. I hate that, and I also hate crowds.

Despite that, I've wasted my time attending in the past and I sporadically waste my time in the present and will in the future, because "that's the only way to meet people", even though nobody wants to meet anyone new, they're all cold and standoffish (but that's everything these days, not just kink).

How could you get me to go? Make it just coffee and talking, no education, no games, no activity, and make there be a chance that there might be an actual masochist in attendance that might be open to play partners, or otherwise make there be chill (re: not spastic people with 0 social skills/awareness) people who outnumber the spazes. Just actual normal people being normal, quiet and low-key. Basically, make munches exactly the opposite of what apparently everyone else but me demands.

Interesting take on the munches you've attended. While I do agree most are the same people, the ones I attend are more normal conversation and fairly chill. Yeah there can be some spastic people.

[Qu****]

9 hours ago, FuriouslyNick said:

I suppose I just dont get the social aspect of kinky stuff?

I can understand that, but assuming you're into bdsm, how do you get educated?

[Qu****]

11 hours ago, Katlynn6612 said:

I don’t even know how to find the community. I don’t like clubs or in your face sex. I’ve been to a couple low key munches and that is my preference. But as far as community. I’m more into staying with just Master. Perhaps finding a friend or two for discussions and camaraderie. 

Yeah in your face sex can be a bit much for a lot. But most dungeons that focus on bdsm tend to downplay the sex and will kick out people just looking for sex. As to how to find your local community try fetlife and look at the "bdsm events" not the ones labeled "sex party".

[jinxed]

I've been to one munch in the UK before, found it very crowded and a bit ***d, so never went there again. What would make me go again (and actually will make me go to one next week here in the city I live in for the first time) is an inviting online presence, a smaller gathering with just some drinks and no demos, and a down to earth location. 

@Quixote_69 @sardonicus87 sorry if I'm being a p@in, but it's not so nice to use 'spastic' as an insult. 🙂‍↔️

Edited May 30 by jinxed

[sardonicus87]

Well, "spaz" sounds better than "obnoxious, loud dorks who don't understand what an inside voice is, who are 30+ years old but act like they're 15, poor emotional regulation, self-centeredness, lack of awareness of others" etc.

And yes, I get SOME people have legit issues... but not EVERYONE, and it's the majority of people attending every one I have been to.

So what's the preferred term for these childish adults? Because I don't know any term that describes this kind of behavior that's not "offensive".

[an****]

54 minutes ago, sardonicus87 said:

Well, "spaz" sounds better than "obnoxious, loud dorks who don't understand what an inside voice is, who are 30+ years old but act like they're 15, poor emotional regulation, self-centeredness, lack of awareness of others" etc.

And yes, I get SOME people have legit issues... but not EVERYONE, and it's the majority of people attending every one I have been to.

So what's the preferred term for these childish adults? Because I don't know any term that describes this kind of behavior that's not "offensive".

You are stuck in dorsal vagal (freeze). Your interested in community (ventral vagal) or you would not be here and you would not post to a question about community. You stated you are fine with 'a few close friends' and continue with 'of which I have none', again, another bullhorn of desire to be social (ventral).

I appreciate your entries on this topic as it is exactly in line with many feelings felt by the commenters the OP is seeking understanding from. So good on you for bringing this to light. It is frustrating.

For anyone in this dilemma: want to socialize, absolutely disgusted by the thought, you are not broken or weak or wrong or stupid, you are fighting with primality that made us apex predators, correction should feel like ripping off your skin, because it's that deep.

The vagal response is supposed to move from ventral (social) through sympathetic (fight/flight) to dorsal (shutdown) and back and forth depending on situation, think power transfer or how the red stuff in our body masses to a cut (bruise) or to our stomach (sleepiness after meal) to process lunch.

The dorsal position is energy conservation and death preparation (think life support only or hospice end of life management) the dorsal is literally a feature that makes death less stressful for something eating by a bear, red stuff moves to critical systems, energy is stored and on reserve (if survival happens), life becomes really slow and extremely muted.

The part you are not going to like is the fix. Exposure. If you want to get back to ventral, you have to push through all the gates to being social, all the excuses, all the negativity, and just 'gut it out' and suffer in fun places and remind yourself, this is fun, this is what I want, it only sucks because I am stuck. Eventually it gets easier and easier.

Everyone, from time to time, gets stuck this way and will benefit from mandatory fun.

I am going through a reset currently as I isolate to the extreme during a relationship and burn the outside world IRL and online. What I do is very dangerous and I do not encourage extreme isolation no matter how your dynamic is functioning. Isolation triggers many knee jerk survival emotions as relationships fade and fall towards end of life preparation if isolation continues. This is just how the system is designed.

This weekend I am going to a community event, an art festival, and some vintage flea market. All sound terrible 😅 but I know my ventral me enjoys this stuff and I will make myself network and build my community back up again and it will all get easier. Just sucks in the 'leap of faith' phase. A phase that only works as quickly as you feed your ventral more than your dorsal.

To reiterate, it's going to be irritating to be in social situations until it's not, your nervous system is designed to protect you from threats it doesn't know haven't been around for hundreds of years. It's just doing it's job, you will have to retrain your whole primal nature, this is going to be difficult. No fluff. It's hard.


Copy and paste from Google:

When stuck in dorsal vagal shutdown, your body goes into a low-energy, energy-conservation mode. Common signs include:Dissociation: Feeling numb, spaced out, or disconnected from your body and surroundings.Immobilization: Inability to move, speak, or take action (like a "deer in the headlights").Cognitive Fog: Loss of executive function and an inability to make decisions.Physical Symptoms: Decreased heart rate, drop in *** pressure, dizziness, or nausea.

[jinxed]

4 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

So what's the preferred term for these childish adults? Because I don't know any term that describes this kind of behavior that's not "offensive".

My personal favourite is 'pelican' but 'idiot', 'tool' or 'simpleton' could work as well, I would say. 👌

[sardonicus87]

6 hours ago, anotherusername said:

You are stuck in dorsal vagal (freeze). Your interested in community (ventral vagal) or you would not be here and you would not post to a question about community. You stated you are fine with 'a few close friends' and continue with 'of which I have none', again, another bullhorn of desire to be social (ventral).

I appreciate your entries on this topic as it is exactly in line with many feelings felt by the commenters the OP is seeking understanding from. So good on you for bringing this to light. It is frustrating.

For anyone in this dilemma: want to socialize, absolutely disgusted by the thought, you are not broken or weak or wrong or stupid, you are fighting with primality that made us apex predators, correction should feel like ripping off your skin, because it's that deep.

The vagal response is supposed to move from ventral (social) through sympathetic (fight/flight) to dorsal (shutdown) and back and forth depending on situation, think power transfer or how the red stuff in our body masses to a cut (bruise) or to our stomach (sleepiness after meal) to process lunch.

The dorsal position is energy conservation and death preparation (think life support only or hospice end of life management) the dorsal is literally a feature that makes death less stressful for something eating by a bear, red stuff moves to critical systems, energy is stored and on reserve (if survival happens), life becomes really slow and extremely muted.

The part you are not going to like is the fix. Exposure. If you want to get back to ventral, you have to push through all the gates to being social, all the excuses, all the negativity, and just 'gut it out' and suffer in fun places and remind yourself, this is fun, this is what I want, it only sucks because I am stuck. Eventually it gets easier and easier.

Everyone, from time to time, gets stuck this way and will benefit from mandatory fun.

I am going through a reset currently as I isolate to the extreme during a relationship and burn the outside world IRL and online. What I do is very dangerous and I do not encourage extreme isolation no matter how your dynamic is functioning. Isolation triggers many knee jerk survival emotions as relationships fade and fall towards end of life preparation if isolation continues. This is just how the system is designed.

This weekend I am going to a community event, an art festival, and some vintage flea market. All sound terrible 😅 but I know my ventral me enjoys this stuff and I will make myself network and build my community back up again and it will all get easier. Just sucks in the 'leap of faith' phase. A phase that only works as quickly as you feed your ventral more than your dorsal.

To reiterate, it's going to be irritating to be in social situations until it's not, your nervous system is designed to protect you from threats it doesn't know haven't been around for hundreds of years. It's just doing it's job, you will have to retrain your whole primal nature, this is going to be difficult. No fluff. It's hard.


Copy and paste from Google:

When stuck in dorsal vagal shutdown, your body goes into a low-energy, energy-conservation mode. Common signs include:Dissociation: Feeling numb, spaced out, or disconnected from your body and surroundings.Immobilization: Inability to move, speak, or take action (like a "deer in the headlights").Cognitive Fog: Loss of executive function and an inability to make decisions.Physical Symptoms: Decreased heart rate, drop in *** pressure, dizziness, or nausea.

That sounds like made-up, hokey nonsense, and is filled with false presumptions. Like for one, I'm not disgusted by the thought of socializing, not even remotely. I just don't think "mandatory fun" should be required. It also presumes I don't just deal with stuff I don't like for the sake of a chance to socialize... I do, all the time, and it makes me miserable constantly and is a waste because nobody wants to socialize with someone forcing themselves.

Like why can't people just talk like normal adults, why does everything have to be mediated through some "fun" activity, which is only fun if you actually think it's fun and are interested in the activity. If you don't think board games are fun, then you just don't think they're fun and being ***d to do them is just going to make you more miserable. You can't just decide to like what you don't like, it doesn't work like that.

Things I think are fun, other's don't. I could *** everyone to do math or logical puzzles all night, every night. No matter what they tell themselves, if they don't think that is fun, they won't find it fun, and that won't change.

Not everyone likes the same things, and forcing them to do what they don't like won't magically make them like it.

[BlueGrace]

I haven’t really been apart of my local community for over 10 years due to personal reasons. I’ve attended numerous workshops and classes over the years. I’m just not interested in being apart of the local community due to my career and personal reasons. I educate myself by other means and other places. I’m constantly educating myself outside of my local community and it’s much better that way. I’m an extrovert but I have low tolerance to zero tolerance for certain adults and atmospheres.

[ey****]

So I am active in local community.

However, online is also community.  There's a lot of names on this thread who are active on this site and by extension I would say are active in community.

Something a few people have spoken on I will back up that there is very much a post code lottery.  (or, I guess in the US, Zip Code Lottery) where you're often very much at the mercy of what exists in your region - and not just whether there's a dungeon and/or fetish events, but what the population is like in terms of viability of munches, the make up of any munches.... the local authoritities attitudes to do fetish and sex positive events - hell, the views and attitudes of anyone who runs the events.   I am aware some still do the "if you want to be a member you have to go through our training and vetting that we made up and isn't applicable to everyone") - whether a large and healthy community also ones the risk of bumping into others you know 'they're here for the same reason' - absolutely, but no good if, say, you're a teacher and they're parents of someone in your class - other occupations are available... the the accessibility of the events from pricepoints to dress code, to.... so on.  

I also don't feel that it's mandatory to be involved local community in order to access information as it was once upon a time. 

[Ma****]

Personally, I prefer meeting people at local events, even after chatting with them online. I just think it is safer.  If I decide I want to play with someone, then it will start at local events where I know safe words will be respected.  I'll do that until trust is at least starting to grow.