It's definitely changed a lot over the last 10 years.

Nobody socializes in-person anymore. If it's just a purely social munch, no activities, then nobody shows up. This goes for anything, not just kink, the only way people show up is if there's some kind of activity, which they use to avoid Read more… actually socializing face-to-face. If there's social mingling time before/after the "activity", people only talk to those they already know and nobody new. If there's nobody they know, they just straight leave most of them. The ones that don't, if you just say hello or try to talk to anybody, they just stare at you like a deer in the headlights.

Even then, there's a lot less events where I am, mostly because people quit showing up. Nobody wants munches either, they want parties, but there's no venues here to have them and nobody wants to host. The only events that do come up, are hotel swinger and g@@ng-bang nbsp;s3x events. Anything actually social is rare and when it is, nobody shows up and the ones that do, don't socialize at all.

Online is even worse. Everything has become "Redditified" in that nobody socializes online either. The few real people that aren't bots, are all self-absorbed "karma farming". Everyone thinks they're a writer or model, only post for likes and attention. Post anything real or try to have real discussion and it's 99% responded to with sarcasm and snark. And that's again across everything, not just kink.

But specific to kink, aside from actual kink dying, it's pretty much 99% unicorn-hunters and swingers and vanillas, very few legit kink-minded people, at least online.

Heh, the responses of a lot of people here, particularly women, is why I hate on the treasure hunt (and vocally complained about it), all the ones that require you to view someone's profile to find them.

It's been many times I will view a profile necessary to get the treasure hunt thing, only for Read more… said profile to then view-bomb me for days or weeks.

It makes me not even want to ever visit anyone's profile at all (generally, not regards to treasure hunt) because I don't want anyone then getting mad at me just for looking at their profile or something.

Well, I also rarely message because discounting the obvious bots, scammers and real people who just want your ***/***, the only filters I have are women within 2 hours of me that are looking for men. That's literally it, and ALL the profiles are blank, no effort, no quality, and on the rare one has Read more… anything other than "lol I hate doing these", they're always looking for something highly specific that I am not.

So not only do I not get responses, there's literally nobody in a reasonable distance to even message with in the first place, and moving is not an opinion for me and long distance is not an option.

At least you guys are getting to the point of being ghosted, I never even get responses ever to my messages, and yes, they are always respectful and not entitled or anything women complain about all the time. They're "the right kind of message", and I haven't even had a response in over a year.

I absolutely loathe dirty talk, absolute hard limit. Moaning/groaning is fine as long as it's legitimate/real and not played up/overdone and as long as it's not stupidly annoying.

But absolutely no dirty talk, I hate that SO much. 🤮

If you find the solution, let me know. I'm not deaf, I have the opposite problem, sensory gating issues. There's literally nothing any group could do to make accommodations for that. So any group setting, I look tired (because I am) and come off as cold or standoffish because I can't hear someone Read more… talking at me over all the other noise. I literally cannot tune out the background, "tune-it-out" circuit irreparably broken.

And the answer is always "online sucks, go to munches", but noe there's not even a munch anymore where I am so, fn SOL over here.

Although for me, the next nearest is 2+ hours away (1-way). I haven't got the time for a 4-hour round-trip.

:1780294797,452480, NE England. I guess it depends on views on reasonable distance, but the county I live in and neighbouring county rock up about half a dozen

1-hour drive (1-way)... but apparently 50 miles is "omfg y r guyz so Read more… desperate".

Where the hell do you guys live that you have more than one munch option within a reasonable distance?

:1780162303,7265081,
You are stuck in dorsal vagal (freeze). Your interested in community (ventral vagal) or you would not be here and you would not post to a question about community. You stated you are fine with 'a few close friends' and continue with Read more… 'of which I have none', again, another bullhorn of desire to be social (ventral).

I appreciate your entries on this topic as it is exactly in line with many feelings felt by the commenters the OP is seeking understanding from. So good on you for bringing this to light. It is frustrating.

For anyone in this dilemma: want to socialize, absolutely disgusted by the thought, you are not broken or weak or wrong or stupid, you are fighting with primality that made us apex predators, correction should feel like ripping off your skin, because it's that deep.

The vagal response is supposed to move from ventral (social) through sympathetic (fight/flight) to dorsal (shutdown) and back and forth depending on situation, think power transfer or how the red stuff in our body masses to a cut (bruise) or to our stomach (sleepiness after meal) to process lunch.

The dorsal position is energy conservation and death preparation (think life support only or hospice end of life management) the dorsal is literally a feature that makes death less stressful for something eating by a bear, red stuff moves to critical systems, energy is stored and on reserve (if survival happens), life becomes really slow and extremely muted.

The part you are not going to like is the fix. Exposure. If you want to get back to ventral, you have to push through all the gates to being social, all the excuses, all the negativity, and just 'gut it out' and suffer in fun places and remind yourself, this is fun, this is what I want, it only sucks because I am stuck. Eventually it gets easier and easier.

Everyone, from time to time, gets stuck this way and will benefit from mandatory fun.

I am going through a reset currently as I isolate to the extreme during a relationship and burn the outside world IRL and online. What I do is very dangerous and I do not encourage extreme isolation no matter how your dynamic is functioning. Isolation triggers many knee jerk survival emotions as relationships fade and fall towards end of life preparation if isolation continues. This is just how the system is designed.

This weekend I am going to a community event, an art festival, and some vintage flea market. All sound terrible 😅 but I know my ventral me enjoys this stuff and I will make myself network and build my community back up again and it will all get easier. Just sucks in the 'leap of faith' phase. A phase that only works as quickly as you feed your ventral more than your dorsal.

To reiterate, it's going to be irritating to be in social situations until it's not, your nervous system is designed to protect you from threats it doesn't know haven't been around for hundreds of years. It's just doing it's job, you will have to retrain your whole primal nature, this is going to be difficult. No fluff. It's hard.

Copy and paste from Google:

When stuck in dorsal vagal shutdown, your body goes into a low-energy, energy-conservation mode. Common signs include:Dissociation: Feeling numb, spaced out, or disconnected from your body and surroundings.Immobilization: Inability to move, speak, or take action (like a "deer in the headlights").Cognitive Fog: Loss of executive function and an inability to make decisions.Physical Symptoms: Decreased heart rate, drop in *** pressure, dizziness, or nausea.

That sounds like made-up, hokey nonsense, and is filled with false presumptions. Like for one, I'm not disgusted by the thought of socializing, not even remotely. I just don't think "mandatory fun" should be required. It also presumes I don't just deal with stuff I don't like for the sake of a chance to socialize... I do, all the time, and it makes me miserable constantly and is a waste because nobody wants to socialize with someone forcing themselves.

Like why can't people just talk like normal adults, why does everything have to be mediated through some "fun" activity, which is only fun if you actually think it's fun and are interested in the activity. If you don't think board games are fun, then you just don't think they're fun and being ***d to do them is just going to make you more miserable. You can't just decide to like what you don't like, it doesn't work like that.

Things I think are fun, other's don't. I could *** everyone to do math or logical puzzles all night, every night. No matter what they tell themselves, if they don't think that is fun, they won't find it fun, and that won't change.

Not everyone likes the same things, and forcing them to do what they don't like won't magically make them like it.

Well, "spaz" sounds better than "obnoxious, loud dorks who don't understand what an inside voice is, who are 30+ years old but act like they're 15, poor emotional regulation, self-centeredness, lack of awareness of others" etc.

And yes, I get SOME people have legit issues... but not EVERYONE, and Read more… it's the majority of people attending every one I have been to.

So what's the preferred term for these childish adults? Because I don't know any term that describes this kind of behavior that's not "offensive".

Also even then for me, that's just for basic attendance, I am not a "community" type of person, I don't need or want a crowd, I'm fine with a few close individuals as friends (of which I have none), so I am never going to be a group participant and drink the koolaid and do cheers or whatever. I Read more… don't get fuzzy feelings from "being part of something bigger" or whatever "community" is supposed to be.

Eh, where I live is rural, there's not no community, but there's not much of one. I don't need education (I've had plenty and they don't provide education on anything I haven't heard 9,000 times already). I'm not interested in rope, fire or wax, which seems to be the only demos ever done.

I'm not Read more… active because it's the same 5 legit kinksters and the same 10 non-kinky but otherwise sex-positive people. There's literally nothing there for me, nobody shares my kinks.

I also hate activities. Nobody can just chill and talk, everything has to be a stupid event/activity. If it's not education, it's board games. I hate that, and I also hate crowds.

Despite that, I've wasted my time attending in the past and I sporadically waste my time in the present and will in the future, because "that's the only way to meet people", even though nobody wants to meet anyone new, they're all cold and standoffish (but that's everything these days, not just kink).

How could you get me to go? Make it just coffee and talking, no education, no games, no activity, and make there be a chance that there might be an actual masochist in attendance that might be open to play partners, or otherwise make there be chill (re: not spastic people with 0 social skills/awareness) people who outnumber the spazes. Just actual normal people being normal, quiet and low-key. Basically, make munches exactly the opposite of what apparently everyone else but me demands.