SUGGESTIONS IF YOU'RE NEW TO THE COMMUNITY:
PRIVACY & PERSONAL SAFETY: Many things we do can be used against us. People have Lost Friends, Spouses, Jobs & even Custody of their Kids. In rare cases, people have lost their Freedom & put in Jail simply because they were a bit Kinky. We have made some strides in the “Vanilla World” to become a little more accepted, but Don’t Take Unnecessary Risks! Keep Personal Information Private! Better Safe Than Sorry. Down the road, if you have a 'falling out' with someone, you don't want them to have any private info to use against you. You never know who is listening or what their real intent is.
KEEP YOUR PRIVATE MATTERS & INFO TO YOURSELF: ie… your Real Name, Address, Phone #, Employer, Finances, or anything about your Family. (If you do talk on the phone, USE # BLOCKING) Double-check any Accounts You Use & Make Sure Your LAST NAME IS NOT INCLUDED Anywhere, & it can not be traced back to you! NEVER! GIVE ANYONE ACCESS TO YOUR FINANCIAL INFORMATION, Credit Cards, Checks etc!!! NEVER LOAN ANYONE !!! EVER!!! USE A SCENE NAME. It could be your middle name, nickname, internet “handle,” or any other name you want to be called. Sometimes, a scene name indicates whether you are Top or bottom, etc.(Sir Noble, Master Savage, or subbie-girl) If you Do use your Real 1st name, NEVER USE YOUR LAST NAME! KEEP ALL YOUR KINK MATTERS SEPARATE FROM YOUR PERSONAL ACCOUNTS ON YOUR COMPUTER BY GETTING A Yahoo, Hotmail, etc. Email Account using that New Scene Name. This will help keep Personal Information Private.
START WITH A LOCAL MUNCH!!! What is a Munch? A MUNCH is a Discrete, Informal, Meeting at a Safe Public Place, (usually a restaurant). It is for people who just happen to Share a similar Interest, in BDSM & other Alternate Lifestyles. We get together in a NON-threatening manner & get to know one another. We have a few laughs, discuss whatever topics might come up, & in general, have a good time. It’s a great place to start Meeting people in your local Kinky Community, sharing ideas, & Giving & Get Support from people who Understand! Very Friendly, Very Casual! Most Munches even have a website you can go to, so you can chat & get to know people before you even get there. To find a Munch near you, please tell me what part of Atlanta you live in, and I'll let you know a few munches that might be interesting.
Why start there? It’s MUNCH SAFER since it is in Public, and you have Witnesses who actually Understand what’s going on. Usually, people know each other and can tell you who to trust or stay away from. A BDSM Community creates Accountability for the group since anyone who repeatedly Disrespects or Endangers others is Chastised or Shut down.
Some Munches have Optional Private "PLAY PARTIES" or "DUNGEONS" afterward. There should be NO PRESSURE TO ACTUALLY PLAY. You can visit with people further, or enjoy watching some of the action. What kind of action? All sorts of kinky things go on. It depends on the Rules of the Dungeon. In Atlanta, the Rumors pop-up dungeon doesn't allow actual intercourse, but the A51 Group pop-up dungeon does allow intercourse. There will probably be lots of kneeling, crawling, pinching, clamping, bondage & spanking. In some cases, there is also probing and pricking, among other things. There are plenty of people around, so Safety shouldn't be so much of an issue. Go slow and get to know a group one person at a time.
BEFORE MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME:
LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS! If they seem crazy, they probably are. Think twice! USE COMMON SENSE! Think with your Head, NOT Your Emotions or Libido. Be realistic. Keep your wits about you and AVOID TAKING ANY UNNECESSARY RISKS. GO SLOW! GET TO KNOW THEM! Take lots of TIME to Ask lots of QUESTIONS! Don’t be afraid to ask. If they are unwilling to answer, Beware! Listen for any suspicious answers or excuses.
WATCH FOR LACK OF KNOWLEDGE or EXPERIENCE on the subject. If they don’t know much about BDSM, even if they mean well, they MAY ACCIDENTALLY HURT YOU (in a Bad way) because they don’t know any better! Don’t be their guinea pig! Let them learn at a Local Dungeon, Club, or Play Party where they can be Monitored & Mentored.
Also, it is a sign that this May Be A WAY OF GETTING YOU ALONE or INTO THEIR BED. There are many creeps online who have figured out that presenting themselves as a Top is a quick, easy doorway to getting a lot of attention from women who are eager to fulfill their fantasies & desires.
WATCH FOR LACK OF RESPECT, CARE, or CONCERN! A GOOD TOP TAKES CARE OF HIS “TOYS” & Wants them to be safe! If they seem Not to Respect Your Health, Safety, Comfort, Or Limits, or if they constantly TRY TO PRESSURE, RUSH, or GUILT you (Verbally, Mentally, Or Physically), then STAY AWAY! If they GET ANGRY at your Cautiousness or Questions, too bad! Better to have them angry than you are Battered, Sexually Violated, or Dead!
DON’T BE PRESSURED (BULLIED, GUILTED, TRICKED or RUSHED). DON’T FALL FOR EXCUSES, LIES, MANIPULATION, OR B.S.! Predatory Tops/Doms often use these strategies to take advantage of naïve & desperate bottoms/subs. Be Careful of the EGO RESUME’, ie. "I've been doing this for 10 years, so I know what I'm doing". Maybe they have, but older is NOT always wiser! Experience does not excuse them from respecting your need for safety & comfort! Watch out for Guilt & Manipulations such as: “If You Were A TRUE Submissive/Slave, Then You Would Do It.“ There is NO such thing as a TRUE anything! People are not Robots! Everyone is Different! Your Personal Skills, Needs, & Limitations WILL be Different from others. That does NOT make you a lousy sub! Submission is a very special & potentially a DANGEROUS gift to give so freely. Please do NOT Give it away Frivolously! Be very careful who you give it to! It could SAVE your LIFE!
ASK FOR REFERENCES! & ACTUALLY CHECK THEM OUT!
Some people figure you won’t actually call and give you a fake name or Number as a reference. If they can't give you any references, beware!
ACTUALLY MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME:
ON THE FIRST TIME: ALWAYS MEET IN PUBLIC & STAY IN PUBLIC. If possible, meet at a Local Munch, Play Party, BDSM Event or Club. Otherwise, meet in a WELL-POPULATED PUBLIC AREA like a restaurant or coffee shop, and NEVER anywhere Secluded like a park or parking lot. STAY IN PUBLIC. Do Not go anywhere private on the 1st meeting Ever! Meet Publicly Several times until you completely trust them. GO SLOW! You can always do more next time. If there’s no next time, you just saved yourself Headache, Heartache, & maybe your LIFE! Don’t be afraid to call a halt if you are uncomfortable in any way.
HAVE HIM COME TO YOUR TERRITORY FIRST! If a male player wants to meet you. Once you get on the plane & you're far from all your resources, you are completely to what may happen. That’s Sexist! - Yep! That’s reality! Males are generally bigger, stronger & more aggressive than girls. Play the odds!
HAVE A 'SAFE PERSON'. A Safe Person is someone you trust to be reliable in a crisis. It is best if it is a friend from the scene or at least knows about the Lifestyle. If you don’t want to tell someone about your kink, tell them it is a Blind Date from the internet or something.
A] GIVE THE SAFE PERSON AS MUCH INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE: at least His Name, Address & Phone Number – VERIFY IT by directly reading it off his driver’s license BEFORE leaving the safety of a public place. Then add CAR TAGS, descriptions, etc. Verify the address when you get there.
B] HAVE A SAFE CALL. Tell the safe person that you will call them at regular intervals & when you are safely home. If they do not receive the call, have them call you or even drop in wherever you meet. Make it clear to your friend that if you do not call & do not answer when they call, you Really Want Them To CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY & explain that you asked them to do so. If there is some mistake, the police will no doubt give you a hard time, but it is much better than the alternative of not getting help. Always have a safe call, even if you are meeting this person locally. If they tell you you don't need one, then RUN! ... because they have something more up their sleeve.
C] HAVE A pre-determined SECRET WORD or Phrase that Signals that they need to Call The Police! Pick something Common that you won’t say accidentally. Such as mentioning going shopping at a particular store the next day or feeding a dog when they know you don’t have one. Maybe you think this is overkill, & you won’t need it. However, simply having it in place is a great deterrent, & it gives you the confidence to deal with things if difficulty arises. After all, what kind of idiot would try anything non-consensual if you warn them a friend will pass their details to the police if you have not heard from them soon?
D] Also, HAVE A PRE-EXISTING EXCUSE TO LEAVE if you do not get along. Tell the new prospect at the beginning of the evening that you have to visit a relative later or check in on a friend. If things are going wonderfully, you can always appear to make a quick phone call to cancel.
DO NOT PLAY OR GO ANYWHERE PRIVATE THE FIRST TIME!!
If it's your first meeting TAKE IT SLOW. You can always do more next time, You Can NEVER GO BACK & DO LESS!
BEFORE PLAYING WITH SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME:
1) KNOW & SHARE YOUR DESIRES & FANTASIES WITH YOUR LIMITS, CONCERNS & HEALTH ISSUES! TOPS ARE NOT MIND-READERS! Do not fall for the myth “If they are a true Top, then they’ll just Know what to do!” Every person is different! What may make one girl Melt? It may send you to therapy! So, write out what you want and enjoy, along with your limitations, concerns, and health issues, in an email, letter, or story. It may be a little uncomfortable or embarrassing, but it is not as uncomfortable as Tears, Hysteria, Scars, and Therapy. Tops, INSIST ON COMMUNICATION to learn a bottom's needs!
2) NEGOTIATE ALL LIMITS & BOUNDARIES BEFOREHAND! Also, make sure that, in any agreement, the action will stop when either player uses safe words or safe signals. Save all this information. Be sure to MENTION ALL Mental, Emotional, or Physical HEALTH CONDITIONS, limitations, problems, or concerns. Include EVERYTHING! Physical (Allergies, Medications, Sugar issues, Seizers), Emotional (Triggers), Mental (Depression, PTSD, Bi-Polar)
3) HAVE SAFE WORDS/signals. In most places, the word 'YELLOW' means slow down, and 'RED' means stop. Putting your hand on a Top’s ankle means you’re hitting Too Hard, please Lighten Up. Other people have different words.
ACTUALLY USE YOUR SAFE WORDS. DON'T BE TOO SHY TO USE THEM. Don’t worry about ‘Impressing the Top’ at the expense of your happiness. If in doubt, use YELLOW (since it just slows things down, there is no reason to worry about disappointing a Top.) Either Tops or bottoms may want to call a halt to the action. Even when the words (or signals) are negotiated, it's wise for a Top to be aware that a new bottom often hesitates to use them. They may be too Anxious, Shocked, or Deep In Subspace to communicate clearly. Until you're sure, they will use safe words & signals, read body language & pay attention. If a Top says you don’t need safe words, this is a BIG RED FLAG!!! Do NOT play with that person! Period!
LIMIT BONDAGE! Until you have played with them a few times & COMPLETELY TRUST THEM to respect Safewords & Limits, it is worth limiting how much bondage play you use. After all, in an emergency, you want to be able to get up & run!
This does not mean you can not use bondage, keep it lighter. Cuffs you can quickly let yourself out of, let you play with the image, but leave you able to get free. Ankle cuffs & spreader bars are less of an issue as, so long as you have your hands free, you can always free your ankles yourself - just DO NOT LET THEM LOCK YOU INTO ANYTHING.
Try Using MENTAL BONDAGE, SYMBOLIC BONDAGE, & perhaps even BLINDFOLDS instead. They can all add incredible levels of intensity without ever actually making it impossible to leave.
NO GAGS! 1) Because if they try to abduct you, then you are TO CALL OUT FOR HELP. 2) Because even if they are a well-meaning Top, YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE & USE SAFEWORDS. Until they have played with you a few times & gotten to know your Limits & Desires, Only use Mental Gags & Voice Restrictions.
RED FLAGS! WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR!
IF THEY TELL YOU DON'T NEED SAFE WORDS, SAFE CALLS or LIMITS, then RUN! ... They have something up their sleeve. BIG RED FLAG!
WATCH FOR a LACK OF RESPECT, CARE, OR CONCERN for your well-being!
If they DO NOT RESPECT your Health, Safety Or Limits in any way.
If they try to PRESSURE, RUSH, or BULLY you Verbally, Mentally, Or Physically.
If they GET ANGRY or Annoyed at your Cautiousness or Questions. Beware!
If they are UNWILLING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS or Give Suspicious Answers Or Excuses. THESE ARE BIG RED FLAGS!
If a male player REFUSES TO GIVE their REAL INFO, SHOW his DRIVER’S LICENSE or REFUSES TO COME TO YOUR TERRITORY FIRST.
If they HAVE NO REFERENCES.
If they EXPRESS ANGER, , RESENTMENT, or any other Negative Emotions ABOUT YOU TALKING TO OTHERS, then you have a warning that something is fishy if they TRY TO SECLUDE YOU from the outside world.
If they seem to Have A LACK OF KNOWLEDGE on the subject. It may mean this is just A WAY OF GETTING YOU ALONE OR GETTING YOU INTO THEIR BED. Also, they MAY ACCIDENTALLY HURT YOU because they don’t know what they are doing!
If they INSIST ON SEX. 'Do they ever play non-sexually?'
If they WANT or FINANCIAL INFORMATION. RUN! NEVER, EVER, Give Anyone Access To Your Financial Info, Credit Cards, Checks etc!!! NEVER LOAN ANYONE ***!!! EVER!!!
If your potential partner SAYS ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, RUN!:
• “IF YOU WERE A TRUE SUBMISSIVE/SLAVE THEN YOU WOULD DO THIS. “
• “DON’T EVER QUESTION ME! I've been doing this for 10 years. I know what I'm doing, “
• “I DON'T WANT YOU TO TALK TO ANYONE ELSE ABOUT ME. You Have NO RIGHT TO ASK OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT ME“
• “IF I find out YOU TALKED TO OTHERS ABOUT ME, I'LL NEVER have anything to do WITH YOU AGAIN “
• “You Should ONLY TRUST WHAT I TELL YOU & NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE. EVERYTHING OTHER PEOPLE SAID ABOUT ME IS A LIE”
• “YES, WHAT THEY TOLD YOU WAS TRUE, BUT I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW “
• If there's a PICTURE OF THEIR GENITALS, BUT NOT THEIR FACE in their profile.
This was diligently compiled & lovingly plagiarized by Sting-ATL from every source I could find.
