Munch Notes/Agenda – Balancing kink and kids – 13th May 2021

[PixieDust]

Munch Notes/Agenda – Balancing kink and kids – 13th May 2021

 

Host:  @Lady_Char

Content Contributor:  @Lady_Char

 

1. As a starter for ten, how many of us have children?

2. At what age do you think it’s appropriate to start talking to your children about kink?

3. How do you handle age-inappropriate discoveries? I’m thinking a nine-year-old holding up Mummy’s nipple clamps and asking, “What’s this?” lol

4. Do you think it’s more difficult to be open to friends and family about kink when you are a parent?

5. What precautions do you take, enjoying kink when there are children living in the house?

6. How can you encourage body positivity with your children?

7. How do you deal with discussing markings or bruises from impact play that might be seen by your child?

8. Would you be pleased if your (adult) child indicated an interest in kink? Does anyone have experience with that that they’d be willing to share?

9. Are there additional challenges being a parent with poly relationships?

10. How do you manage to be kink-spontaneous when there are children living in the house?

11. Is it possible to be in a 24/7 dynamic and be a parent? What are the challenges?

12. If you have – or are thinking of getting – permanent kink equipment like a suspension beam, fixtures for a sex swing, or an in-house dungeon, how did you go about navigating that with your children?

13. Have you talked to your children about sexuality and gender? How can you encourage them to be accepting and welcoming to all lifestyles?

14. Does anyone have any funny stories they’d be willing to share?

15. Are there some kinks and fetishes it is less appropriate for parents to explore?

[Penny456]

This is shocking ,there is never a time to discuss kink with your children ever ...under no circumstances...it should be kept private.FFS we are taking about children here...it’s for adults not children ..this discussion will only bring out the pedos......shame shame shame on you for even bring this topic into discussion...

[PixieDust]

23 minutes ago, Penny456 said:

This is shocking ,there is never a time to discuss kink with your children ever ...under no circumstances...it should be kept private.FFS we are taking about children here...it’s for adults not children ..this discussion will only bring out the pedos......shame shame shame on you for even bring this topic into discussion...

I feel you have misinterpreted the notes from our Munch.  Had you been in attendance of this Online discussion you would have witnessed a discussion on how parents cope with kink in their lives as well as being parents.  The Munch was a safe place for many parents to chat and discuss how they keep the kink alive in their lives, the challenges they face and how to keep kink away from the prying eyes of their children. With many wonderful ideas exchanged on how to protect children and a very detailed discussion on when it is or isn’t appropriate to talk about kink with their own children. 

[De****]

Sorry but I’m with @Penny456 here. There is no place for kink in a child’s life, for no other reason that the feelings and emotions in kink are so complicated and as adults we quite often struggle to understand them, nevermind a nine year old (pt 3). For example I can think of no possible way that you can positively explain to a child that daddy likes to hurt mummy and puts bruises on her but it’s ok because mummy likes it too and it makes her happy. There is absolutely no need for your child to need to know about your lifestyle - securely lock up your toys/play rooms, be careful until your marks fade, be discrete. Children don’t have filters and will discuss this with their friends so be prepared for the whole playground mafia to know. Unless of course you’re going to go down the ‘this is our little secret’ route and I would hope we can all agree that should be a no for so many reasons.

[li****]

There is actually an article in the magazine on here from 2018 about how to manage kink after having kids, so our munch isn't the first of this we took inspiration from that article to do the munch!!!!!! Like @PixieDust says our munches are a safe place to discuss, things happen lord above I don't have kids but you can't be pro active all the time, things will be forgotten and things will happen. Hell my mum caught me masterbating when I was a younger *** did she have a go, no!!! She actually sat me down and we spoke about things. If I ever had kids I would do the same I would be open and honest with them of course only at a certain age when they were older,  young kids are nosey no doubt about it but there are ways to explain to them about sex toys etc and what they find. I think if anything have a read of the magazine article here 

Everyone is different with how they handle their sex/kink life with their children it's up to each individual to explain to their kids what they do. 

[on****]

I haven't read any articles, or munch agendas, or heard what was said at a munch. I'm not going down the *** of a child route here as I think we all know how wrong that is, but this being the internet I'll leave the word think in there... I wish I didn't have to. 

 

You don't explain BDSM to children as it should be kept away from them. The psychological trauma that can be done to a child is immeasurable and have lasting impact on the rest of their life. 

 

At the end of the day two consenting adults can do what they like with each other but your child cannot consent to being told all about it. 

 

"Yes but I'm the parent so I can bring my child up as I like"

 

You are a parent and that comes with a duty of care. It might seem like a good idea and the child might accept it but please stop for one moment to think what if this gets buried inside their mind and resurfaces ten years later in the form of a mental health condition. 

 

There is a reason that psychiatrists go back to your childhood and go through every little detail, and that reason is that those childhood details no matter how innocent a parent may have thought they were can in very real terms be the trigger for something much worse than just a memory. 

 

But of course who am I to tell you what to do. I'm just a parent, one who has sat with a senior consultant psychiatrist and poured out every hidden detail of my life. Trust me, it happens....

[li****]

Like I said each person is different and will bring their kids up differently, we can't say we would do one thing and expect others to do it too. Every one has their own opinion but it's wrong to pass judgement on people who decide to bring their kids up how they want. Yes BDSM and kink is NOT for children of course it isn't but like I said we can't be pro active all the time we forget or leave things out so then if the kid finds it we of course have to make up an excuse or say something. It's not like we are saying have full blown kink session in front of your child/children!!!!!!! Everything is being taken out of context here and please if you wanna pass judgement then be my guest but don't tar everyone with the same brush. Please come to a munch and see how we actually do things!!!!!!!!

[De****]

1 hour ago, lil-monster said:

Like I said each person is different and will bring their kids up differently, we can't say we would do one thing and expect others to do it too. Every one has their own opinion but it's wrong to pass judgement on people who decide to bring their kids up how they want. Yes BDSM and kink is NOT for children of course it isn't but like I said we can't be pro active all the time we forget or leave things out so then if the kid finds it we of course have to make up an excuse or say something. It's not like we are saying have full blown kink session in front of your child/children!!!!!!! Everything is being taken out of context here and please if you wanna pass judgement then be my guest but don't tar everyone with the same brush. Please come to a munch and see how we actually do things!!!!!!!!

I think to be honest, whenever you bring children in to the narrative you are guaranteed to get very strong opinions. As a parent, I would never want my child to feel that *** (physical, emotional or psychological in any context) is acceptable and let’s be honest, if you don’t understand how the lifestyle works then it comes across as ***. This is not something new, it has been raised in topics many times and debated as to how fine the line is. Also raised many times is the emotional complexity of the relationships and I think trying to explain everything to a child, and expecting them to understand it is, is unrealistic and confusing and so, to me, is selfish. There are many different opinions on parenting, basically every parent adopts their own depending on their beliefs etc but as I said, discussing about bringing children in to the lifestyle is guaranteed to elicit very strong and, to a degree, polarising views.

Putting that to one side to address another part, I’ve been asked before how I would feel if my child told me they were a sub, knowing what their relationship would be like. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be bothered either way, my child’s sexual preferences (shouldn’t need to caveat that but I will anyway - as long as everything is legal and consensual) are their own. Would be interested to know if anybody feels that they couldn’t accept it though 

[on****]

As someone who is a parent and who has been through the entirety of the mental health system I feel I am allowed to have an opinion. 

 

In my opinion I did not tar anyone, I did not take things out of context, I did not assume that people were actually partaking in front of their children but again this being the internet I have no doubt that some would do that. 

 

A child might find something yes, that doesn't mean they should be told about it. 

 

There is a difference between an older child coming to you as their parent and asking for your advice on a subject and help should always be given. But in this case they are coming to you about something they're going through, have done, are considering, are concerned about etc... but that is a different scenario. 

 

How many of us as a child said to ourselves that when I'm a parent I'll do things differently and I'll let my child do x, y, or z. It's not until you become a parent that you realise the reasons you can't do things differently. It's called being responsible. 

 

I'm not passing judgement on parents who do things differently. Everyone's different. But there is a time when you need to be responsible, I've been through hell and if by me highlighting this causes a parent who hadn't thought of the mental health repercussions childhood can potentially have to realise that it can happen and for them to change. If one child doesn't go through the same hell because one parent took note and understood what I said then I have done my job. 

 

I'm not tarring anyone, but that was a very defensive reply from someone who doesn't have children. I wasn't at the munch but had I been I'd have stood up and said the same.

[li****]

Again things have been taken out of context and if you actually came to the munch you would have seen what we discussed etc. I'm having my opinion I don't have kids but I'm still allowed to say what I want. It's all been said before so don't blame our munch that we took on about the subject when like I said there has been an article about in the magazine here from 2018!!!!! You think it's wrong raise a ticket go to community managers here.

I have mental health problems from my time growing up have I ever blamed my parents, no I haven't!!!!!! I'm not saying if they find something we should tell them what's it used for etc, we make up something we tell them it's just for us and not for kids. I'm not saying oh go tell your toddler exactly what nipple clamps are lord above even I wouldn't tell them I'd make up a excuse. Things happen, things will get left out we forget things! We aren't perfect!!! But what I'm saying is we can choose to tell our kids what we want. Like I say please next time come to a munch to see what we actually do!

Edited June 7, 2021 by lil-monster
Added more

[li****]

So just cause I don't have kids I don't understand!! Smh I've worked with kids and worked with kids who have mental health problems, I have two young nephews who I look after.

Edited June 7, 2021 by lil-monster

[on****]

Please don't take it so personally, I've said only how I feel and nothing was directed at you.

[li****]

You said my response was defensive from someone who hasn't had kids!! That was directed at me!! I will take it personally when people attack our munches and not even come to one. So that's all I have to say end of