Unsure of GF being into BDSM

[He****]

Hi,

I am a somewhat experienced submissive, and I know that I need to experience the kind of release being in subspace gives me. She's a switch but tells me she's falling more on the dominant side of that scale, which for me is fine.

My girlfriend is very new to this world, meaning I practically pulled her in and introduced her to some of the things she's mentioned she likes to watch or fantasies about. 

However I *** that I may have dragged her into something she only does for me and not because she enjoys it. I really enjoy the whole ***/praise thing and it falls me quite naturally to fall into subspace when someone degrades me. My girlfriend doesn't like degrading me, but said she wants to try for me, even though she clearly is uncomfortable every time we try. I bought this up one day and told her I don't want to do anything she doesn't like, and reminded her that the safe words works for her as well. She still tries even though she still seems uncomfortable with it, which makes the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable. 

The same goes for impact play and restraints. She becomes uncomfortable and I've brought it up to talk about to make sure she's okay and she only agrees to stuff she would like to do as well.

I am a brat too and I like to get into trouble by talking back. My Girlfriend is unsure about how to handle me bratting so I've turned it down to a bare minimum, but even now I feel like she freezes when I brat.

The relationship is going on 6 months this month and I really, really miss the release subspace gives me. I've tried to talk to her about it, and she's thinks I'll leave her if she doesn't degrade me, hit me or dominates me. We do have vanilla sex regularly, but I miss the spice BDSM and kink adds.

I'm unsure of what to do, and I feel like a bitch for wanting more, knowing she's uncomfortable with it. Am I? And do any of you have any advice on what to do about it? 

[Ki****]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to do something you enjoy. Maybe just slowly reintroduce some elements of what you enjoy with your gf and build into it. It’s sort of a state where you’re trying to find her limits and very slowly pushing them

[Deleted Member]

Regardless of BDSM ppl are going to want some things during sex. Be it spanking, choking, anal oral whatever etc. if you don’t get the things you need from your partner then I think they’re just not sexual compatible with you especially if they’re not open to trying it at least or try to please you. I understand getting into this BdSm world can be a little scary or unknown or whatever but this world is really for you to be you, bring out and act out your deepest desires and be fulfilled in dynamic relationship. If you can’t do that BDSM or not outside of this then it just sounds like they’re not for you or going to fulfill you. You probably really like this girl but she only agrees to do things she wants to do and maintaining a relationship requires compromise sometimes.

[JessM]

Does she have any other connections with kink or the kink community? It's common for someone introduced to kick by a partner to get so caught up doing what their partner wants, they never explore what THEY want.
If she's explored kink herself and decided it isn't her thing, that's one thing. But if not, maybe spend some time with her checking out a variety of kink stuff. Read some erotic romances, watch some porn, perv pictures her or on Tumblr.
You are not a bitch for wanting more. You're needs are valid, just as hers are. But coming at it from another perspective (what kind of kink would SHE enjoy) would probably give her more sense of agency and control in your play and might show you some new avenues to enjoy yourself.
If she does find something she enjoys (for instance, maybe she loves pet play) then mixing a pet play scene with degredation or restraints (bad dog) might work for both of you in a way that just doing your stuff doesn't.

[UK****]

2 hours ago, Helene said:

She's a switch but tells me she's falling more on the dominant side of that scale, which for me is fine.

......

I am a brat too and I like to get into trouble by talking back.

--------

I'm unsure of what to do, and I feel like a bitch for wanting more, knowing she's uncomfortable with it. Am I? And do any of you have any advice on what to do about it? 

Your GF is new, she needs to find her own likes and dislikes.  As others have said, you both need your own desires fulfilled, so you aren't a bitch for needing yours.

Now if she's new, she may also find it hard to 'accept' that doing what you like is 'acceptable'.  

Society tells us it's not OK to degrade another, nor to 'beat' them.  It can take someone a lot of time to get past that conditioning.

As for being a brat, the inexperienced will often find that difficult as to an outsider that can sound like you are unhappy and argumentative.  Pushing back and laying down boundaries and consequences can often run counter-intuitively to most people's nature which would be to try and look for compromise and to some degree to pacify. 

 

 

[Ch****]

Very sincere confession. I really liked it Helene....

[Ch****]

I know what I would do if I was at the position of your partner. I can't comment from your aspect...

[kitsunedemon]

Relationships are like plants. The more time you spend with one another the more you grow. Maybe sitting down and having a real convo about likes and dislikes can help. It doesn't have to be about BDSM it can be about simple things and build up to what you both want from this experience. You never know unless you talk about it. Asking for advice or help from this site is an amazing resource that can help with any scene or relationship. Hope this helped.

[He****]

1 hour ago, Christian-2070 said:

I know what I would do if I was at the position of your partner. I can't comment from your aspect...

What would you do? I'd like to get as many views and opinions as possible, and hopefully from people on both sides :)

[He****]

So what I'm hearing from you all is that she needs to explore more of what she likes? 

I've tried to do the slowest intro ever for her. Making sure she's been comfortable and stop the moment she feels uncomfortable even if she's not used her safe words. I trust her, and I've reminded her about her safe words and that I won't get upset or annoyed if she uses them and we've been talking about what we need for aftercare but she seems to have a very big dom drop afterwards, being upset and tense for the next few days.

So right now we've taken a break from it all for a while and none of us has wanted to have sex for a while, but I just really wished we could explore more about this universe together, without her being uncomfortable. 

[Deleted Member]

A very dear friend here once said to me.... trust her 'yes' as much as you expect her to trust yours.
Respect her decision that goes with that consent, even if she is faking it to making it initially... we all had to start somewhere. As long as it's safe whilst she learns the ropes.

Let her own that decision and keep being radically honest with one another about where you're both at with it. We all started somewhere.

[ey****]

I think a first choice is of course give her space to explore her own likes - a little... without judgement (though obv you'll have your own limits)

it sounds like she's into it to try to make you happy - which is sweet, but comes of course with it's own problems - especially if she is worried you will break up if she cannot make you happy.

A possibility to also explore is to do some activites you enjoy with someone else - with appropriate boundaries that do not affect your existing relationship.

 

[He****]

24 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think a first choice is of course give her space to explore her own likes - a little... without judgement (though obv you'll have your own limits)

it sounds like she's into it to try to make you happy - which is sweet, but comes of course with it's own problems - especially if she is worried you will break up if she cannot make you happy.

A possibility to also explore is to do some activites you enjoy with someone else - with appropriate boundaries that do not affect your existing relationship.

 

She has been reading and looking at stuff she might like and I'm open to try almost everything at least once, so I'm very open to what she wants to try.
I've also asked if we should join a bdsm club here, just to meet and talk face to face with other kinky people. We went for a tour of the place and she completely shut down for the next few days so we've put that on hold for a bit.
She's also a person who gets easily possessive, so trying out stuff with others is a no go.

[He****]

1 hour ago, KinkySirXxX said:

A very dear friend here once said to me.... trust her 'yes' as much as you expect her to trust yours.
Respect her decision that goes with that consent, even if she is faking it to making it initially... we all had to start somewhere. As long as it's safe whilst she learns the ropes.

Let her own that decision and keep being radically honest with one another about where you're both at with it. We all started somewhere.

I've tried, and it works during sex but she usually shuts off for a few days afterwards despite hours of aftercare for her.
She's told me a few times she wanted to use her safe word, but didn't because she was afraid I'd get upset, so I've started to look a bit more out for her and when she seems uncomfortable.

[UK****]

31 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

A possibility to also explore is to do some activites you enjoy with someone else - with appropriate boundaries that do not affect your existing relationship.

 

From my experience, this should only happen when the relationship between the original two is very strong.  If there are doubts, then the mind puts a magnifying glass to them.

[ey****]

33 minutes ago, UK_Knight said:

From my experience, this should only happen when the relationship between the original two is very strong.  If there are doubts, then the mind puts a magnifying glass to them.

it can be a whole tangle and does help when the relationship is strong and even then has it's own challenges - which is where the appropriate boundaries comes from

But the OP has already ruled this out due to their partner being possessive - which - is very fair

[Ch****]

I would punish you immediately anytime you brat, but this comes kind of naturally for me. I would have zero tolerance and it would be rough and ***ful assuming that you have clearly consented to that I advance....

[Ch****]

In advance I meant

[SirMasterDaddy-Dom]

Every person is different and they derive pleasure, satisfaction from different things. It is clear that you like her but your personality is that of a brat, who gets release and pleasure from punishments, ***, etc. She on the other hand seems to be more of a sensuous, erotic girl who gets release and pleasure from kissing, maybe soft bondage, teasing and caresses, oral. You 2 are completely different in your sexual desires and needs. A Master, mistress or someone who has many shades can easily adapt and take on the role, play the dynamic required for their partner, for others it's unnatural, uncomfy and possibly weird. Doing things out of *** of losing someone can't last long. I don't think it's fair on either. So either one has to give in, compromise, or it will break eventually, or you have to involve another guy or girl who can give you both what you crave. That's the only way I see it lasting and fulfilling and both of you enjoying it

[Ch****]

Evie lupine on YouTube does great videos

[Deleted Member]

I really feel for both of you, unfortunately ime I've found that not everybody can meet my sexual needs, some people just don't have it in them and that's OK...but you still have your needs right? I think it's important you keep communicating, maybe explore how she'd feel with you introducing a third person strictly just for those needs? I'm Well aware not everybody feels comfortable sharing, my suggestion could be well off the mark....but I've tried similar things with an ex partner myself, happy to give more details in PM if you think it could help in anyway, I didn't sleep with other people btw so I'm not necessarily suggesting that.