Creating spaces

[jinxed]

As I'm trying to come out of an obsession with a man that seems to be out of reach, I came across an insight a Zen monk shared about how to cultivate love in your life. He looks at love as a shared space that is created through and between two beings, be that friends, family members or partners. Now, if I were to apply this concept to a kink connection, it would still mean that the individual partners are substantial to the connection, but the focus would change. A partner wouldn't be substantial for me anymore, but 'only' for the creation of the space between us. 

In my view, this takes away a lot of pressure! Partners don't need to be there for one another, they now would need to show up for the space. The question would go from "Does this person like me enough to put in the effort?" to "Does this person show behaviour that nourishes the space?" What a change in perspective! If they can't/don't want to do that, then the rejection is not aimed towards the other person but towards the space which consequently will dissolve. For me this is big shift and a huge relief. Perhaps someone has learned how to do this and can share insights. 

[Hypnocurious]

It is called a reframe, change the way you perceive something and you change your feeling. Shift is also a technical term for a perception re alignment.

[mr****]

A couple of dialogues from the movie Matrix come to mind.
1. The mind makes it real.
2. There is no spoon.

Each of us use different coping mechanisms and our mind is an interesting... entity. Capable of observing itself in 3rd person. (Practised my Miyamoto Musashi)

My learning has been: everything, without exception, has a cost.
Focusing on a space requires blurring the person or some form of another connection or perspective in some way.
An interesting thing to ponder upon could be, pay this cost once, always..?
Sometimes the space is more important, some times the person.

[jinxed]

30 minutes ago, mrdebil said:

My learning has been: everything, without exception, has a cost.
Focusing on a space requires blurring the person or some form of another connection or perspective in some way.
An interesting thing to ponder upon could be, pay this cost once, always..?
Sometimes the space is more important, some times the person.

This was the exact nagging thought I had with this and why I posted the question here to get second opinions. 

Is the person irrelevant or at least less relevant then? Would it mean becoming detached and less able to connect truly and deeply?

However, the p@in would be gone. Which might make those potential setbacks worth it. 

Edited 8 hours ago by jinxed

[an****]

I like to explain this concept in this way.

No one can make you feel a feeling, this is a fact. It is impossible for an external source to create a chemical reaction 'feeling' inside you, you are your keeper and you are the only one who is in the driver's seat. The 'feeling' is part of the 'space' in the post you wrote. The feeling is the thing you seek, not the person, not their bundle of cells. The way you personally changed your own internal chemical responses based on a set of circumstances.

This is why closure is so confusing, it's not based on reality. You literally try to erase the feeling you unlocked and want, it's not possible. Closure is a lie.

The individual pieces/partners and situations are all experience and with experience comes data. The biggest disservice we do is the belief that kindness is rare, connection is unique, or that love/interest has to be complicated/hard.

The thing is, the more you ask and the more you offer means your pool of potential has to be big enough for the whale and you have to have patience, the right lure, and the right boat when they hook. I see so many many people asking for a whale and having space in there life for a stuffed gold fish.

I do not know the teachings of this Zen monk, but my logic dictates the 'space' described is not between you and another, it is your 'curated designer home' of what each specific dynamic is perfect for you and the people are the real estate market. Now you can always do some diy and upgrades and live with a smaller kitchen, but a bad neighborhood might still be a deal breaker (even for the model home). But the more houses you see the more you understand the market and realize the value and cost, you just have to see a lot of homes if you have a lot of requirements and a lot of homes aren't available for years.

What makes him out of reach and how does that fit this 'space' topic? What 'space' does his characteristics create/fill for you?

[ey****]

I guess a big thing also is that - someone willing to put in the effort, still isn't necessarily the right person

 

[Ze****]

.

Edited 5 hours ago by Zer07x

[ra****]

6 hours ago, anotherusername said:

I like to explain this concept in this way.

No one can make you feel a feeling, this is a fact. It is impossible for an external source to create a chemical reaction 'feeling' inside you, you are your keeper and you are the only one who is in the driver's seat. The 'feeling' is part of the 'space' in the post you wrote. The feeling is the thing you seek, not the person, not their bundle of cells. The way you personally changed your own internal chemical responses based on a set of circumstances.

This is why closure is so confusing, it's not based on reality. You literally try to erase the feeling you unlocked and want, it's not possible. Closure is a lie.

The individual pieces/partners and situations are all experience and with experience comes data. The biggest disservice we do is the belief that kindness is rare, connection is unique, or that love/interest has to be complicated/hard.

The thing is, the more you ask and the more you offer means your pool of potential has to be big enough for the whale and you have to have patience, the right lure, and the right boat when they hook. I see so many many people asking for a whale and having space in there life for a stuffed gold fish.

I do not know the teachings of this Zen monk, but my logic dictates the 'space' described is not between you and another, it is your 'curated designer home' of what each specific dynamic is perfect for you and the people are the real estate market. Now you can always do some diy and upgrades and live with a smaller kitchen, but a bad neighborhood might still be a deal breaker (even for the model home). But the more houses you see the more you understand the market and realize the value and cost, you just have to see a lot of homes if you have a lot of requirements and a lot of homes aren't available for years.

What makes him out of reach and how does that fit this 'space' topic? What 'space' does his characteristics create/fill for you?

I was having a conversation with a platonic male friend earlier about men that included several comparisons to fishing

Your whole comment was well articulated, but reading those fishing references made me smile 😂❤️