The weight of a hidden world

[LovestruckSadist]

I’d like to discuss the feelings of extreme isolation that kink has brought me, despite never truly finding a dynamic yet, that stoked my inner flame and made me feel whole and seen. Still the world inside of me that was bursting and waiting to get out weighed heavily. Something about my desires alienated me, even before I opened my mouth it seemed like somehow myself and the rest of the community were in a deadly dance, one where if I revealed myself I would be thoroughly executed socially and spiritually. I’m curious how others deal with feelings of isolation, and how they deal with the inner world of kink that may not always come to light? I’d love to hear about your journeys, and how your kinks have affected you for the positive or negative.

[in****]

You’ve already stepped out of the darkness. Into more darkness. Eloquently too… so welcome to the balance of light and dark:, I think you welcome both.

[Li****]

I fight with myself constantly on "am I this way as a sub" or "is that even what I want"? I've been over my fetish list idk how many times. I've been editing it constantly, adding and removing or changing something in it. I experienced some things that I can say have been a long time curiosity and desire to have done. Just to go back to the list and back into my head with "well did I like it enough, or not enough or too much." Or "Will anyone accept me for being into it so much but not all of it".

Then I get to thinking ... BE ME. Screw what anyone else wants me to be. If they judge me harder than I judge myself, then it's not worth my time knowing them. None of them have to live with who I am 24/7, I do! If the rest of the community doesn't agree with who I am, then clearly I'm not the submissive for the community but I am a submissive for SOMEONE. Just who....?

Like you, I've never been in a dynamic with anyone where I felt seen or whole. I doubt if I ever will be for that matter.

Then there's the days I want to give up. Toss my hands up and say F it all, guess I don't have what it takes to be in the community. Which I know deep down is a lie. I'm welcome here just as much as the next person.

It's the memories in my journey that I keep ahold of. Figuring out who I am in the process. all the ups and downs are always worth the experience! Just makes me want to keep going forward, till I get that seen/whole/meant for me dynamic.

Sorry, random ramblings of a sub with ADHD 😌

Good luck with continuing your journey. I hope you find a dynamic and happiness in your journey that makes you not feel isolated anymore.

[DisguisedAngel]

I used to feel like this when I took the leap and started exploring. I was new and naive and had a couple people take advantage of me. (I learnt and grew from it)

I went to a munch once and felt entirely out of place and questioned if I should just give up because I didn’t feel the confidence that everyone seemed to have talking so freely about kink but I’m glad I didn’t.

One thing that has helped me is making more friends in the community. I’ve made many from fetlife. And they’re all open to give advice or have a chat. I will say you have to put yourself out there, the right people will come your way. Don’t give up, it takes time and not having a dynamic yet isn’t anything to be worried about 🥹

[ey****]

there's things I see from time to time - and obviously I've my own direct experiences

when I started into kink I was very much like... well, kid in a candy store - a whole world had opened and the possibilities were endless.

I know others have similar experiences.

And over the years I've had a lot of play, a lot of experiences, a lot of experimentation a lot of amazing times.   But there have also been periods where.... things didn't work out.  Where nothing I seemed to do resulted in gaining what I wanted.  There is a lesson in there I will finish with.

But anyway.  I see people who come into kink to whatever degree, and it's like a door opening and they see a glimpse and wonder what more there is to see and they're already excited.  And then, like...  if it's online they'll start messaging people aaaaaannnnndddd no reply.  And if it's in person they might again end up struggling to get what they want.     And it can feel lonely, like everyone else is playing and living out their fantasies... except them.

The issue of course is they only see part the picture. Not the struggles the others have had. Not the time. The prep. The commitment. So on.

And ultimately, the main thing... when your happiness relies on a reaction from another person this often sets you up for unhappiness.  Because you can't control how they'll respond.  There's stuff you can do which might influence a favourable response but you can't garauntee it - and that is my lesson I was aluding to previously and that is the problem I see many fall into.  

When I did feel that kinda isolation, which was largely around 2017/2018 - I kinda ultimately had to pull myself up and go back to the start.  Taking pleasure in people's company without it necessarily being play.  Trying not to take no's personally (that can be hard sometimes) and it got me back on track.

[LovestruckSadist]

I want to thank everyone for their kind and thoughtful comments. They were enjoyable to read and I’m happy to see people engaged with what I wrote. Personally I was burned out by kink when I quickly saw how shallow it could be. I started to wonder, if there was even a place for true connection, or if everything had been spoiled by the commodification of 21st century. I felt like everything was for sale, all values accounted for. Any offbeat variable in existence, was simply a blemish on produce to be tossed away at the end of the night. Words may be words, but yours have brought thought and comfort. So I thank you all again with my whole heart and send all the positivity I can into your life journeys.

 

[ey****]

15 minutes ago, LovestruckSadist said:

if everything had been spoiled by the commodification of 21st century.

I actually have a very different take on this.   Like, particularly in event spaces - you can see people are real and you can chat, and no one is garaunteed to be interested in anything, but if they are then there's no, shall we say, financial barriers.

Online also.  I think that perhaps there are undoubtedly more with financial interests in some circles, that there are not fewer without.  That perhaps it's kinda always been hard and challenging to find the right connections.

The flip of course, is fraudsters aside, there are more opportunities to play/try without going through the making-friends/being-seen circles, but with a hand in pocket.