How do you cope with THAT?

[Jimmmy]

A couple of weeks ago I hooked up with a guy of my age (52), at his place, late one evening, after getting in touch via an online meets site. We had a brilliant time and I expected us to meet up again in a couple of weeks.

A few days ago I sent a somewhat disguised message regarding “arrangements” for said meeting, supposedly work-related. Just in case anyone else saw the message, you get the idea.

No response. “Ok”, I thought, “I’m blown out!”. No problem. It’s not the first time and it definitely won’t be the last! Then a day later I get a message telling me that the guy had died. Then I get a message from another phone number purporting to be the partner of the guy, telling me that he’d unexpectedly died. “Well he most certainly doesn’t want to see me again!”, I thought. I sent the obligatory message of condolence, thinking that it was obviously a way of blowing me out permanently, and, not expecting to get any further reply, asked for details of the funeral.

What can I say? Almost immediately the details of the streaming service that was streaming the funeral of the guy was sent to me, with a link to watch the funeral online later that same day. I found myself being quite genuinely upset. This had been a casual encounter, but the realisation that only a couple of days before he died, I’d had a fantastic session in the guy’s company was pretty hard to take. I attended the funeral online. It most certainly was the same guy. I hadn’t been duped or blown out.

I’m certainly not the first person that this has happened to and I’m sure there will be many more after me, but how do you deal with that? Part of me doesn’t want to contact his partner for *** of exposing something that he didn’t know about, but part of me wants to express my condolences in person, properly. Or at least over the phone. It’s a difficult one and I’m not going to lie, I’m struggling a bit with it…

[Je****]

oh goodness what a rollercoaster this may have been for you.

firstly im sorry to hear that the guy died, and it sounded like u both had an enjoyable and positive experience together.

i will say i am glad to read that you disguised a message as a 'work' thing.
if the guy has just died imagine the partner getting a message less disguised, the heartache and *** that would cause the grieving person close to him, would be unimaginable.
not to mention is may tarnish the deceased name as (god bless him) hes not able to explain himself.

and for that reason also i would say it would be inappropriate for you to contact the relative/partner of this man. some things are better left unsaid and while its tragic and has clearly affected you, id suggest you grieve in your own way.
but getting in close touch with someone who may not known this side of him, could also land you in bother which no one needs.

i feel for you, i do, but id suggest you try to think of him, grieve and let him go. im really sorry this has happened xx

[Deleted Member]

A friend from school? You don't need to disclose anything and still can do what you need to do. So sorry for your situation, must be hard.

[Mz****]

It's a dilemma and I can see why you're torn, as an outsider looking in though I'd personally suggest that although I understand you wish to express your condolences, is it fair to do that at the risk of outing this deceased one night stand? Of potentially spoiling his memory for those that loved him? You enjoyed his company but what do you know about him as a person? How will you answer the inevitable how do you know each other, you might have got away with a discreet email referencing his work but can that withstand further scrutiny? How would you feel lying to this person? Can you be certain that those potentially hurt by your contacting them further won't lash out at you in some way?

I know thats not much help, but hopefully it will make you consider the potential risks you might be taking.

[Deleted Member]

Firstly, I’m really really sorry. This is awful and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I’m not sure if reaching out to the partner is a good idea, if they don’t know about you it could cause a lot of *** 💙 sending love

[Deleted Member]

My condolences, any loss can hit hard so I'm sorry you had to go through that. But I have to agree with the other comments, further contact risks exposing this person to their close family and I dont think it's your place to do that. Getting the funeral invite is enough, best to grieve in your own way in private

[Co****]

I rarely throw my ten penneth in but....

You've already stated it was the first meet you had and it was a casual encounter, I suggest you deal with it as if you have been the recipient of the ultimate rejection... no good can come of any other action and you should put the mental well being of others and their memories of this chap ahead of your personal feelings.  It is highly likely you would intentionally be causing further harm and heartache which would benefit no-one and ultimately if you do you'll unfortunately wake up one day and realise how much of a xxxx you've been and that you'll have hurt people this guy cared for; further belittling your memory/moment as I would wager that is not what he would've ever wanted to happen.

[Deleted Member]

To be sad. Feel honored you got to experience his soul before his departure. He gave you something to cherish before leaving. Dont overlook that.

[Du****]

13 hours ago, Bigminit said:

My condolences, any loss can hit hard so I'm sorry you had to go through that. But I have to agree with the other comments, further contact risks exposing this person to their close family and I dont think it's your place to do that. Getting the funeral invite is enough, best to grieve in your own way in private

Total agreement with this. But also I hope you have someone in your life you can teach out to in confidence about this. You have your own feelings to process without the usual channels being open to you (like condolence with the person’s loved ones). It’s great that you’ve shared it here and you have the support and sympathy of this community; in time you’ll look back fondly on a private memory, but talking with someone you trust may help you to get there.

[Deleted Member]

I am really surprised this is even something you have to ask anyone about. It’s sad that the person passed away and you are left feeling out of sorts, but you had just had one casual encounter with the guy. Any further contact with his family is completely ill advised. You didn’t know this person and they belong to their family, so let them have him. You would be contacting them to ease your feelings. How about putting theirs first, as they have lost a loved one? Even attending the funeral was a bad taste. If you think about it, would he want you there? It’s just beyond me that you would even contemplate expressing your condolences in person 🤯 . Apologies if this sounds too harsh, it’s not meant to, but the man had a family. Just let them be.

[Deleted Member]

Lots of hard truths here. It really is a dilemma but the best you can do is show respect and give them privacy. It was a one off for you, but how many one offs did he have before you? Maybe it will come out sooner or later from someone else. Try not to let that be you. I feel your *** but I'm with everyone else commenting here. 

Best wishes. 

[Jimmmy]

Well thanks to everybody for all of your advices. You’ve only told me what I already knew, to be honest. I wouldn’t want anyone to contact my family if the shoe had been on the other foot, so that’s exactly how I’ve dealt with it. My attending the funeral (only watching the live-stream online) was ostensibly as someone work-related, so I didn’t give anything away there. I’ve certainly not done anything to cause anybody any ***. It just all came but there’s a bit of a shock, that’s all. And as far as I was concerned it wasn’t a one-off encounter. We both wanted to meet up again. And I know it would’ve happened if only five days after we met he hadn’t died.

[Ch****]

I totally agree with @Sub-lime Don't reach the family

[Aeviternity]

Ugh, I’m so sorry this happened to you and my heart goes out to the man who passed…. I can’t imagine connecting with someone and having a successful and fun session with that person and then they’re just… gone. But you guys did get to share that time together and enjoyed each other’s company. You put a little light into each other’s lives, yeah? Try to focus on the good time and good memory that was created.