What Is Wrong With Me? - Confused About Actions And Feelings

[PumpkinFlower]

So firstly, I apologise if this is in the wrong place. .... and for the stupid long length (I have Aspergers and I can't summerise to save my life)... I'm so ilsolated over these issues -  I feel I need\want to talk about things, but don't know where to go, where I won't be judged, because my situation isn't normal, and I'm not even sure what's happening. Maybe I'm just nuts. I just don't know any more.  .......   I also apologise for this super long and rambley post - but I literally have nobody to talk to about this with. 

BACKGROUND  (the area of concern/problem is below): 

Years ago (2004) I met a guy on a phone chatline. We've been speaking most nights ever since. He's older than me, and a lot more experienced, and takes the lead in any intimacy we have. He is not a dominate\master, but he takes the lead, and he has always been more dominant. 

The weird part is - we've never met, even though I've tried,  and I know practically nothing about him - even though I've tried asking him, and I don't even know basics, like full name, or what he looks like, or even his birth month... and he's made it clear that no-one knows about me in his off-phone World (it hurts if I dwell on it, but what can I do)... and while, on one side, it sometimes hurts me, because I can't do normal things couple's do - my life, as a full time carer for my now elderly parents, who are also sociopathic ***rs, (meaning I've been forbidden to have any relationships that might lead to something, in case they lose me) - isn't condusive to anything other than a telephone relationship, and well... it has worked for us, all these years.  Please don't judge me for this.  It's so hard explaining this long distance relationship as it is. My friends and family know about him - and they tell me I'm stupid... and I know it's mental... but I felt a connection from day 1, and I've got strong feelings for this guy, that are probably not reciprocated, but he's put up with me all these years, anyway. 

Anyway - intimacy:   He literally educated me, and showed me that it was ok to be sexual, and to engage that way (on the phone).  He's told me, that if I find someone to do things with, I should do that (hated him saying it... sobbed over it in fact, because it felt like rejection, but what he was actually meaning back then, was that he'd never let me see him, or meet him, due to his own perceptions of himself, and our age gap, I guess - who knows). 

He encouraged me to read lots, and watch lots, and learn and explore, and from the naive woman I was, who everyone considered, was A-Sexual, and who couldn't even say common slang for basic anatomy, lol, I've grown into someone who relishes my sexuality (even though it's only been with him), finds sex pyschologically fascinating, has learned I am a Demi and Sapio-sexual, am more inclined to be submissive, and I look forward to my time with him, and gets totally and fully submersed in all we do together, ... even if it is only on the phone. 

We have a lot of phone sex.  And the feelings are so strong when we do it, I've experienced such highs - where I'm literally begging and pleading for relief, panting for air, and on the flip side, such deep lows - that I've learned are Subdrops - over which he has just left me just as I topple over the edge - or just after -  and I sob my heart out. He can make me feel things I never thought was possible, and it's amazing... to me.  And this worked for years... and then I started getting sick.

THE PROBLEM:

I was too tired to play.  I got really bad depression, and began to lean on him - he became almost my therapist, upon whom, the moment I'd finished dumping my woes on him, I fell asleep so fast it is unreal.... My Mother developed Dementia, and I was a sole Carer for her.  She injured me unintentionally, and it was stressful, heartbreaking, exhausting, and so on.  Then my Neighbours started being abusive, injured my Mother, and she ended up in a Nursing Home... and then Covid Lockdown hit. Things went from bad to worse, and I had to go to Court to prove that the neighbours were not going to attack her (they'd moved on to physically assaulting me instead, because they want to drive us out and take our house), and the damage they caused to my house, was not a danger to her, just so we could bring her home... unfortunately, while prevented from seeing her, because of lockdown - the Nursing Home, starved and dehydrated her to death.  I had 6 days notice, and finally we were allowed to see her, and I refused to leave - it was too late to save her, and she died, thankfully peacefully, but literally in my Arms, on 21st Jan 2021. They killed her in just over 5 weeks.  I was 3 weeks from getting her home. The shock obviously has devastated me. I'm a wreck.  ...And as always I shared with this phone guy. .... He listened, and was lovely.... and later.... I was shocked when he tried to instigate sex.  I said no... but not firm enough, and in the end, I hung up.

We (my family) had a lot of problems, due to the length of the Coroner's investigation, instigated at my request, the report, the reality of being told what she died of (which we knew, but there it was in black and white) and so on.... then we were conned out of £2,000 by someone who said they'd help with the Funeral and on and on.... and all the time he was there  - but I didn't feel like intimacy, just needed comfort, and when he tried to instigate - frequently - I made excuses and ended the call.  ... It happened so much - that I messaged him - told him how I was feeling, and said I'm just not in the right headspace. I apologised.

In April - on the evening after her Funeral - that went wrong because of the conman - I was so lost - especially as they couldn't cremate that day, so were doing it the next day, meaning I had/wanted to go back, until it was done - so the *** carried on.  It wasn't closure as everyone kept telling me it would be, but reopened the wounds further... and I sobbed to him that night.  When he started instigating.. I said no... but he carried on and on and I found myself not wanting it - but getting caught in the undertow - not speaking - and when he finished - he hung up - I rolled over and howl sobbed.  I know this sounds extreme but I felt hurt and violated.

A month later, I was sooo tired and ill and on ***killers and was hazy - and told him that - he tried to instigate again.... I hung up. I sent another text message saying I don't want it, and it hurts emotionally, and I'd tell him when I was ready.

 In June, my Cat jumped on my face, and I needed dental surgery that went on to fractured my Palate and Jaw (I can't catch a break)... and he was AMAZING and supportive and kind and didn't attempt anything.  My trust started returning.

And then ... a few weeks ago - I had a massive health blip and I was on serious ***.  I was basically off my head.... I told him that. ... I was acting like a drunk person. My Dad heard me talking to him, from the next room, and I definitely kept apologising, and saying I didn't feel right, and that I was on medication.  ..... And he started trying it on.    I know I moaned, as I fought through the haze - and I mumbled that I didn't want to , but he kept on.... and suddenly my Dad came in the room, and he snatched the phone away from me, hung up and told me off. .... He gave me the phone back the next day, and he'd texted him, on my phone that he knew what was being discussed, and that it wasn't appropriate.  I was mortified... I am actually 46 years old - not some wreckless ***!   .....  But at the same time I felt deeply disturbed by the fact that I'd said no, and he carried on.... and it's been 3 times in all these years - all since my Mother died.  ....... And I am sooo confused and uncomfortable.  He knows how real it all feels to me, when we do things.... so why carry on, when I said no? ... and then I feel ridiculous because its on the phone too.... and it's doing my head in.   Is it my fault?  .... Am I being melodramatic?

I couldn't speak to him for ages.  I sent him a text explaining how I felt. Saying  I do not want intimacy with him right now.  It hurts.... and because of this - I feel different about him.  Uncomfortable. I don't know how to get over it.

 

And then the other night.... I decided to talk to him again. I made sure there was no way it would head into any intimate territory, but I said I wanted to have a discussion about it.  We ended up not speaking about it, but no intimacy happened.  I was grateful.   .... 2 days passed before we talked again, and now I'm more confused than ever.  We had a great afternoon together, watching tv together, on the phone for a few hours, said goodbye.  I felt calm and happy.  It was lovely. 

And in the evening we again, we chatted... and then I noticed his breathing change and his suggestions were....getting more heated.  I did NOT want to engage.  I don't have the trust.  I am stuff very confused and lost over it all.... ... and I don't why I did this - but I asked if he was 'excited'.  Of course he was. .... And I instantly felt annoyed/angry maybe ... I don't know... I started encouraging him to touch himself - but not letting him 'touch me'.  I told him with a definite angry face on (even though he was on the phone) and gritted teeth, that I was in control.  I told him what I was doing (i wasn't actually doing anything), and when he said he'd remove my hand from myself - I said firmly - NO!  - and carried on firmly instructing him.  I also wanted to errr... 'finish' him off", so he'd go. .... I hated the feelings I was having, and the more I talked, the more I wouldn't let him do anything other than my instruction, talking over him, and raising my voice when I said "NO!" to his suggestions. 

In the end, he faked it. That annoyed me too - and then he said, amid faked breathing heavy, "That was unkind", and it was like a slap in the face to me - my 'in control' feeling left me instantly, I felt worried, upset I'd perhaps hurt him, and I told him that I was holding him - I said sorry repeatedly and asked seriously if he was ok (and that confused me too) - and he said he deserved it - but I felt/feel totally terrible. and sooo confused, and like our connection has gone.... He was still 'excited' of course, and I felt so bad, I asked if he wanted to engage more... of course he said yes - I'm a total idiot - I didn't want to do anything - but I felt bad for being 'unkind'.  If anything (I didn't want anything else, to be honest) - to me - the next step I wanted was slow, gentle, loving.... but I wanted the control.... but then he asked if i wanted 'F-king' ... NO!!!! No I do NOT! - to me that is just a means to an end, not connected .....  but I said yes.... and he took control, and I hated it.  I faked it to make it end. I think he faked it eventually too.  I feel so ... yucky ... and I don't understand my inital actions, I don't understand these feelings and the confusion, and the thoughts, because I'm just not that experienced...  and afterall - it's all on the phone - it shouldn't have this much impact, should it? 

  Honestly - I'm so off kilter today - I don't know who to talk to about it - .... who might understand what is going on here.... because honestly - I am a stupid girl for feeling this way - for engaging when I did the other day, when I didn't want to,  and so on. .....  afterall - it's all on the phone.... Ack!  What is wrong with me? 

Any thoughts are gratefully accepted - even if it's to tell me I'm being utterly stupid.

 

Thanks for "listening", and sorry it's so long.

[ey****]

So - yep - there's a lot in here.  

Firstly, I think there's nothing incorrect about distant relationships or ones where you haven't actually met

Like any type of relationship there are many positives and also some negatives - and in this case some of the negatives are really kinda : in the open

How this feels to me...

It feels like the guy you speak to is someone who is happy to have you as their own little secret fantasy - and - of course there's a lot which you don't know about his life, which is fine, but some of that is being a little exposed now.   Whilst there is no real doubt that he has helped you over time - to a large degree he has also consistently had his own way.

It almost feels like you've never needed to say no to him - and now you have, more than once, he really isn't responding to these nos with the respect they deserve at a time when you really need it the most.

And I think this is actually bigger than it seems and something, if you are to continue with in any capacity, he needs to learn to respect and fast - because it doesn't matter if it's someone you've known for days or years, someone you've met or haven't - there's a boundary to be respected and he isn't doing that right now.

[Strengan]

The phone sex, not meeting and him being honest from the beginning that he wasn’t going to meet you or divulge details about himself is fine because you agreed to it. You have just been experimenting and having fun together and that is al good and healthy.

But by persisting with his erotic advances when you are clearly uncomfortable with them is a serious problem and shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings. It is unacceptable because no means no and he is allegedly the experienced partner.

Don’t worry about the aftermath when you were taking control and etc that is just a symptom of the problem: him ignoring your refusal to engage in phone sex on demand. That was perhaps your way of trying to take back control of your own feelings as you felt (and were) being harassed.

So he needs to change his ways or you should refuse to have anything to do with him (definitely sexually but probably altogether because he will just keep trying it on). This will be difficult since you have a connection but having done you some good it is now causing you harm.

I hope this has been helpful and that you can work out what is best for you.

[Layla76]

You're not a stupid girl, you are a sensitive submissive exploring and learning about her sexuality while also going through some tough times personally. The dynamic between you and this guy sounds off in that he doesn't seem to be able to recognise when you're in a *** space and hold you there without trying to make it sexual. I've been in similar situations and in the end had to make caring for myself and protecting myself the main priority. Vulnerability and the tendency to feel things deeply can be amazing as a submissive but the flip side is the potential to get very hurt in the wrong hands.
You've been through a lot, maybe what you need has changed so honour that first now. Your needs matter too.

[Re****]

Hi. What a sad story. Reading it my first thought was maybe you was just being used and ***d, seemingly when the sex chat stopped thats when you get the phone hanging up.
Sounds to me possibly, and I may be wrong, that this gut may already be in a relationship and you was his little on the side.
Why didn't you have name, address ect. As stated already nothing primarily wrong with long distance relationships but you should still have details.
Unfortunately the statistics are 1 good guy for every 99 who will use *** and be selfish.
Know the feeling as like yourself, and it seems obvious, you wear your heart on your sleeve and show your vonorable side! Again nothing wrong with this of you are in a relationship and it's solid and stable.

At this moment in time I'm going to end it here, may come back and post again.
I'm always happy to chat to people weather I'm in or not in a relationship with them.
Just be careful who you chat to and lay out some basic ground rules before giving too much away

[Leisa]

Wow there’s a lot to unpack here. First, you’re not stupid by any stretch of the imagination. Second, while I personally cannot do it, there are many who can have an LDR and never meet. Third, it sounds like you’ve had a lot of traumatic experiences and mental *** in your life and he’s preying on those vulnerabilities for his own selfish end. It sounds like you are finally standing up for yourself and saying no. It also sounds like saying no is not working. Even an LDR needs to have consent. What he’s doing every time he “***s” you to perform is a form of *** and should absolutely never be tolerated. I find it disturbing that you know virtually nothing about his personal life but have given him full access to yours. I don’t really know how to say this but you’re not respecting yourself by allowing him to disrespect you over and over. It sounds like you’ve come here for affirmation and I’m going to tell you what you already know. This relationship is toxic and abusive. You deserve much better than what you’re getting. Be blessed and cut yourself some slack.

[Mo****]

Hello ^^
Fiest of all...Im terribly sorry about all the things you went through....its devastating and I can onky imagine the state of mind you were in and I truly wish I could help.
Secondly...when it comes to the phone guy...I have extremely mixed feelings about him. Yes he listens to you...he helps you out....he talks and calms you down...as you said "therapist" but is far from an excuse to use you in your worst...when you wrre in that dark hole...he mustnt have done what he did...yes..you did stand up for yourself...yes you tried to stop it...but sadly you were tricked unto feelings guilty you coulsnt said an actual no...but you are trying and that will definitely help you out...being a people pleaser is an awful stress on your mentality and thats something you HAVE to work on...because it can one day destroy you.

About the way the relationship was...and the phone sex and all that...you arent stupid...ypu are far from that...LDR can be as intense as any IRL relationship...I have been there and experienced it in the exact same intense...so dont think you are stupid or naive for feelings this way...your feelings are valid...and viable when you are connected emotionally and mentally with the person you are talking to.

Hopefully what I said would be of any help to you and I wish you best of luck.
And if there is anything I can help with..please dont hesitate to contact me and I promise I would try to help you out as much as I can!

Please stay safe..and try to work on your mentality before going anywhere so you can get out of that dark hole.

[PumpkinFlower]

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies.  I thought I would give an update, since I posted on the 6th September 2021, as there has been a bit of a turn of events.

 

On the 12th September 2021, in the early evening, my phone rang - it was him... I debated on whether to answer, just staring at his name, and eventually, it clicked over to voicemail.  It was a little unusually because he'd never really let it get to voicemail before.  After the message was done, I listened to the message... and I honestly was surprised.  It was a female voice!  Obviously close - but I felt instinctively that it was not a partner, or wife - we talk waaaayyyy too much for that to be possible, and at all times of the day and night... but it was a woman, and I'm guessing similar in age - even though I don't know his age. She didn't realise the voicemail was running and she said "yea I didn't know how to turn it off on this new phone, and someone's speaking on there..." he replied in high pitched shock "Who???", took the phone and switched it off.  The shock in his voice amused me.   And the emotions wasn't one of betrayal, but like I'd got a snatch of his "real life".  ... I decided to wait before bringing it up.  I had fits of amusement, thinking how he must be feeling at wondering if I had actually had a chat with the female on the voicemail.  I had visions of him being really worried. It amused me intensely.

 

He called that night of course - and I bided my time.  I couldn't sleep. I kept giggling over it.  Like - what is wrong with me - that's hardly normal! 

 

Anyway - The next day,  I had a chat with him. He was audibly on edge. He still doesn't know it was just a voicemail.  He said it wasn't a wife, or partner, but a relative - I asked in what way - he refused to tell me.  He asked if I thought he was cheating on me - and honestly - I know he isn't... afterall - we're hardly "together". ...  But I couldn't even yell or get mad.  I was just sad.  I talked - I cried - hard - he listened.  I bought up things from way back -  about going through the grief when he vanished for over a year - I talked of the isolation, of people not understanding why I have spent 20 years of my life hanging onto his every word, and so on, and not being able to talk to anyone about the *** of that Grief  - because of not knowing anything about him.  I talked about the missing ads I placed - and asked him about the woman, who's name he has called me more often lately.  All he said of that, was that she was someone in his life who was very special, and now she isn't in his life any more.  I asked what happened - he said firmly "No.  I'm not going there with you".  He refused to answer a lot of my questions, and frustrations - and just listened.. barely breathing.  I cried, and sniffed, and sobbed, and whined "Why???  I don't understand, why you can't tell me about you!"... He remained silent.  He said he lived in a house with a Blue door - drives a Blue car.... and that was about it.  I talked about how unsettled I am.  How uncomfortable I feel, and how I don't know how to process it... because ... what happened - was not real.  I talked about how he's locked me into a corner, where I can't talk to people about it - because he won't tell me anything about him.  He remained silent - just listening. 

 

When I finished crying so heavily - he apologised.  He gave no explanation, or comment, on why he carried on - knowing I was not able to give consent - and had said no.  The call ended shortly after.
 

He rang back the next night and he asked if I was ok.  I said no.  We talked about chit chat - and then parted ways.

 

The next few nights I didn't answer his calls.  The next few weeks became busy, needing several late night admin stuff on the computer, so when he rang - I was very "Business like" and distracted - on the couple of occassions he called.  The Butterflies I have felt, every single call in all these years... are weakening, and dying.  I feel empty and lost.   If he tried anything on - I changed the topic, and refused to engage.  I actually don't want him "touching" me.  I just want to snuggle up to someone and be held, but my trust is gone.  I still don't know how to stabilise or make sense of any of it.

 

Then last night.... He called - and I chatted, recognising the dying feelings, and I felt sad... but we chatted about day stuff... and he kept trying to engage a more intimate act... I didn't.  And then he asked a question... "Do you want to play?"... I snapped back loudly "NO!".  He fell silent.  I was proud of myself for telling him so loudly and firmly.  He remained silent a while - I could practically hear his jaw, hit the floor.... and after a pause of silence - with the word, hanging between us ominously - he softly said he hears me.  And it was loud and clear.  We talked.  I told him I don't understand what's happening - but I don't want any type of that kind of thing.  I told him "I can't - I just can't do it, and I don't want it".   He was clearly sad.  He apologised sincerely that he hurt me. I didn't answer. He asked if I will ever be "fixed".  He apologised for using that phrase, but he didn't know how to say it any other way.  Deep down - he was asking if "we" were over.  I heard the *** rip through him in those few words.  I told him honestly "I don't know".  But I look at everything and thing "where we ever really a "we" anyway?".  He apologised again for hurting me.  I told him, that I know he's a man who needs sex - and that if he wants it - he should seek it elsewhere.  I told him I'd be happy to chat - but no intimacy... but I get that, that might not work for him.  That I'm just to lost and confused right now. 

 

He tried to lighten the mood, and I didn't play along - he talked about a colour and material... hinting - wanting me to tell him about some sexy lingerie I may be wearing.... I refused to engage.  I know he was hurting - but I am too.  I've been a fool over this man, for 20 years of my life, and then this......

We parted company and I ;ay there thinking - this can't be it for me.... not like this.... I NEED to sort my head out.  I emailed a private Sex Therapist for a price list - not that I'll be able to afford it, but I have to help myself if I want to level off... it's been nearly a Month, afterall, and the situation is entirely ridiculous.  I probably need professional help.  I warned the Therapist that it's not a normal situation and I probably should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act!  lol.  I hope to be able to get some kind of resolve, with professional help... because clearly I can't get to a point of understand what the heck is going on in life. 

 

I fell asleep after emailing the Therapist, and  and putting a YouTube ASMR video on to try and block out the thoughts - while honestly feeling,  just gut achingly sad, and still lost, and very confused, and uncomfortable... and like I've lost trust in everything - I can't even cry over it, and I am irritable and cynical about everything right now.  It's not a good way to be.

Today I had a powerful meeting, where I had to be the strong, independent, in control of things, powerful, woman I have to be for what I do .... I was glad when the "enemy" didn't show... but I was left feeling a little deflated as I wanted the fight too.  By the  evening - I just felt drained and heavy.

 

He rang again tonight, not so long ago, but I was talking to my Dad.  I never answered his call, or rang "my guy" back.  I just don't know what to say to him any more - because he won't give me anything of his "real personal life" to work with.   I so wish I didn't feel like this, though, even though I know (thanks to kind advice here) that this is very far from a healthy relationship, with him...... But I truly wish, that I could just change the way I'm feeling, to be a little more stable, at the very least.

 

Thanks to everyone who has had the patience to read my waffle, and post here, or message me.  Your opinions have been invaluable.  I am truly grateful. 

Thank you so very much. :)
 

[Strengan]

Because, however unreasonable his behaviour was, you had an intimate relationship with him which involved both emotional and sexual exchanges you are bound to feel the loss. This is entirely normal but it will ebb with time. Any sincere (on your part at least) relationship will provoke such feelings when it ends. I think you are doing well and you only need to ride it out but of course if you feel you need professional help you have that option. See how you feel in a weeks time perhaps and I will look out for any updates. Take care.

[Wo****]

@PumpkinFlower You can do this flower....

That *** and anger you feel? It's normal... what you felt was real. Harness that, use it. 

 

Having been through a very similar experience I can almost guarantee that he is, in fact, married. I (to my shame) knew my snake was married. We would chat for hours daily, at all hours. The fact you speak at odd hours, at length, doesn't prove he's not married.

I'd bet you're not the first, nor the last and I'd be surprised if it's just you he's using.

 

It's not easy letting go. Even of a toxic, manipulative snake. Not when you gave them your heart. 

I've had zero contact with the snake (I refuse to call him a man) for a year now and I'm not gonna lie, I miss him... or rather what I thought I had but it was a lie. He was a lie... hold on to how you felt but don't hang on to him. You really do deserve better xx