Married & Exploring BDSM lots if questions

[Naughty_mrs]

My husband and I are celebrating an anniversary, and I plan to gift him my submission. I am a little scared. He's always expressed some kink, but I've always been a bit vanilla. I've always had a deep desire for more than vanilla but I was worried how I'd be perceived, even by him. Now that our kids are almost out of the house I want to explore sexually. It's my one secret I've never told him about.

What will he think of me now after more than 10-years? I'm not petite after 2 kids and many years of just working, I don't feel I can pull off this new adventure. He lives me just the way I am, but i'm self-conscious. I've purchased some items, (***r, leash, dildos, leather costumes, videos, etc.) for a big trip we have coming up. This is when I plan to introduce my desires. 

I've written a letter to spell out some of my rules, and I plan to lay out the toys I've purchased and talking through how to use them before we are actually in play. I ordered some videos to get us started. I know why I want to be his sub, it's because I control everything in the days to day, I make more *** than him, I take care of the house, the kids, I make all the decisions about everything and I just want to experience not being in control (within my comfort zone).  

My husband has mentioned swinging, but I'm not sure if I'd do that. I wouldn't mind a woman as I feel a huge arousal in the thought of a woman joining us. From what can tell so far, I like breath (choking) and nipple play. I like medium ***, so I like spanking, nip/clit clips I like toys, I like giving blow jobs, but I don't like oral on my nor anal. I might be flexible on the oral (if taken to the right level), but I don't think I'd ever like anal.

Any suggestions for a scared newbie?

How do you setup new scenes?

Do you just start playing and let the mood take you?

Do you have a queue phrase when you wanna play? 

Does anyone know of clubs on the east coast that are safe and good for newbies?

[Mr_Nobody]

This is very kind of you, your husband is a lucky guy.
In my opinion he's going to need more advice than you.
But this is something you can do together step by step.
So... Enjoy your trip!

[Deleted Member]

First step before you do anything is to start an open dialogue with your husband I would suggest

[Deleted Member]

It made me smile reading this, as I believe I already know what his reaction will be, a very good one. I would talk to him, pretty much lay it all out as you have here, and as far as the actual acts, baby steps to begin and see how you go. You're familiar with each other so I would hope that would help things flow a little more organically. If you wish to discuss a scene do just that, talk, its key. Have fun 😊

[BigPolly]

Wow 😄 I’d suggest booking a hotel room.
Set the room up with everything & the rules etc. Maybe a note if how you want the scene to play out, is he going to chat you up in the bar as a stranger, do you want to head to the room on your own and he knocks on the door and comes in? Do you want to seduce him? Is he going to walk in and find you playing with yourself Etc
Meet him in the bar, send him up to the room on his own then ask him to read what you’ve written then to come back down in 20mins.
From there I’d probably suggest a drink together first

[Naughty_mrs]

We have a hotel for the one night in Miami (we leave for a cruise the following day). I was looking into going to a sex club where we can have party a little, watch a little and experiment a little. This would be our anniversary celebration.

During the cruise I plan to explore more of our likes with the videos and toys. I anticipate that the videos will get us going since they have in the past.

I am so excited about this I can'tconcentrate on work. I'm keeping it a surprise for that special vacation,  and I can't fine the willpower not to tell him. 

[Deleted Member]

I’m just over a decade with my husband, and the best thing you can do is communicate. Don’t hold back on anything, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable to say it out loud. Being that you’ve been together for more than a decade, I’m going to assume he is your safe space already.

To build some anticipation, you may want to start talking some time during the week prior to your trip but hold off on the sex. That way when it comes time for your trip it can be all fun and games. You’ve already got what you want in writing, so ask him to read it and discuss his thoughts on it.
Show him what you’ve purchased little by little throughout the week (maybe send him a pic of you in an outfit). Tease him with some of the ideas you’ve had about possible scenes.

I’m rooting for you two!

[Dreamaway]

Be careful you don't totally freak him out, after ten years springing this on him could scare him straight back out the room. Perhaps some hints beforehand so he's not going in totally blind, he needs to understand there have to be rules and limits for both of you. It's very brave of you, I hope he's open to learning a whole new way of operating within your sexlife .

[Naughty_mrs]

I dropped a hint last night that I had a big surprise for our anniversary, his response was "will airport security confiscated it again " . I had to laugh (think about what I was planning to bring) because a few years ago on another vacation we decided to bring some toys. We'll on our return flight I was asked to open my checked bag and remove the play handcuffs in my toy bag. Well I was mortified to have to open this in public with clips and vibratory in full display. I think that event made me halt bringing toys on trips unless we were driving. It made me ashamed of what I wanted to do, so I tucked that desire away and tried not to think about it. But I'm growing bored or the vanilla sat/sun morning sex, and although he won't say it, he probably is too.

Last weekend we took a short trip and I brought along s few toys. A sleeve, some whipped lubricant, and one vibrator. It was probably one of the best "a little more than vanilla " sex we had in a long time.

I'm not too afraid of his reaction since I do know he like to be rough, just hasn't gone too far with me. Just a little choking, a little wack on the ass. He has experimented with "the lifestyle" prior to us. I'm afraid of what he'll think of me wanting this after more than a decade.

[Naughty_mrs]

I did it. I couldn't wait. I spoke with my husband last night about our sex life. And we both agreed that it was the best conversation we'd had in 10 years. He has always wanted to introduce bdsm to our sex life, but apparently I shot him down many years ago. He's always seen me as super conservative and he was willing to live the vanilla life if that's what made me comfortable. After last night he heard a different tune. Not only did I confess that I too wanted to explore bdsm,  but that I wanted to attend a swingers club. Not necessarily to have others join us or vice versa,  but for the opportunity to have sex in front of other like minded people, and to watch and learn (when possible). It's been exilerating to open up to him.

 

I also learned that he's had bdsm partners before, but none that wanted to talk about it, just wanted the doing part (he said they were fun, but short lived). I also learned he's had threesomes and been to a few swinger parties. 

 

Although he's enjoyed the lifestyle in the past, he's worried for me and how the emotional toll this could take. We've agreed to talk openly and often, as I am new, and I don't know much about anything (truth be told). I also have some self image issues I need to overcome. I'm short and much heavier than I feel comfortable with. But I think my excitement for the change, is overpowering the concerns of my self image. Being able to bring him to such arousal that he can barely contain himself is powerful, exilerating, euphoric, feels like a drug. 

I'm happy a took the first step.

 

 

[Dreamaway]

Ohhh it's a heady drug indeed, prepare for surprises at how far you'll go when the mood and the atmosphere carry you along..if you involve other people just be careful their aims coincide with your's...great to hear your progress. I've had the conservative gf experience, it just takes something to unlock their inner box of secret desires and wants..

[Deleted Member]

51 minutes ago, Naughty_mrs said:

I did it. I couldn't wait. I spoke with my husband last night about our sex life. And we both agreed that it was the best conversation we'd had in 10 years. He has always wanted to introduce bdsm to our sex life, but apparently I shot him down many years ago. He's always seen me as super conservative and he was willing to live the vanilla life if that's what made me comfortable. After last night he heard a different tune. Not only did I confess that I too wanted to explore bdsm,  but that I wanted to attend a swingers club. Not necessarily to have others join us or vice versa,  but for the opportunity to have sex in front of other like minded people, and to watch and learn (when possible). It's been exilerating to open up to him.

 

I also learned that he's had bdsm partners before, but none that wanted to talk about it, just wanted the doing part (he said they were fun, but short lived). I also learned he's had threesomes and been to a few swinger parties. 

 

Although he's enjoyed the lifestyle in the past, he's worried for me and how the emotional toll this could take. We've agreed to talk openly and often, as I am new, and I don't know much about anything (truth be told). I also have some self image issues I need to overcome. I'm short and much heavier than I feel comfortable with. But I think my excitement for the change, is overpowering the concerns of my self image. Being able to bring him to such arousal that he can barely contain himself is powerful, exilerating, euphoric, feels like a drug. 

I'm happy a took the first step.

 

 

Yay!!!

[mi****]

So you’ve purchased everything, told him now to use it and even bought tutorials. That’s pretty humiliating actually. What you did is called “Toping From The Bottom.” If you are GIFTING your submission than that’s what you do -give up all control and SUBMIT, on your knees. The only thing you have say in is your hard and soft limits period.

[Naughty_mrs]

5 hours ago, missgigi said:

So you’ve purchased everything, told him now to use it and even bought tutorials. That’s pretty humiliating actually. What you did is called “Toping From The Bottom.” If you are GIFTING your submission than that’s what you do -give up all control and SUBMIT, on your knees. The only thing you have say in is your hard and soft limits period.

In a marriage where "kink" had been ruled out,  I think what did was absolutely perfect and not humiliating at all. I opened the lines of communication. We're both very happy with how everything has turned out. I don't know everything I want and he isn't an experienced Dom to take that control. We are both embarking in something new although he's done some bdsm type stuff before. 

From what I've seen, not taking this approach could damage a relationship or at the very least make the experience unpleasant. We are married, I didn't just decide to be into bdsm with a person I just started dating. Opening about my desired was difficult as the image the world sees is very conservative. It felt like I was coming out of the closet, which nobody should feel ashamed of who they are and how they want to enjoy their sexual experience.

So if what I did was "toping from the bottom " and that is frown upon, you are the first to say it.

I feel empowered not humiliated, thank you. 

[ey****]

5 hours ago, missgigi said:

So you’ve purchased everything, told him now to use it and even bought tutorials. That’s pretty humiliating actually. What you did is called “Toping From The Bottom.” If you are GIFTING your submission than that’s what you do -give up all control and SUBMIT, on your knees. The only thing you have say in is your hard and soft limits period.

See,

I don't agree at all.

I think there are a lot of ways to do things, for sure.  But in this case it's a married couple exploring together.    Coming from perhaps inexperience, if nothing else the best thing to do is to work from a whitelist - start doing play or incorporating elements into their relationship they both agree on and would like.

This was a signal of taking a journey *together* in exploring kink *together* and learning how to get the most out of the lifestyle *together* and honestly....

I think that's awesome.

Perhaps down the line their relationship might evolve one way or another - but it doesn't have to.

[BigPolly]

12 hours ago, missgigi said:

So you’ve purchased everything, told him now to use it and even bought tutorials. That’s pretty humiliating actually. What you did is called “Toping From The Bottom.” If you are GIFTING your submission than that’s what you do -give up all control and SUBMIT, on your knees. The only thing you have say in is your hard and soft limits period.

Wow….No! Just no!

if you think this is submission then someone has taught you is all wrong. Yes you are gifting your submission but you don’t give up all control (unless you’re a slave) & you have a say in everything. Submission is as equal as Domination, you can’t have one without the other.

[Deleted Member]

I know I am new to the site. . . but, I agree with several others, communication is vital. Perhaps communicating with him about your needs, desires, and all of the things you'd like to explore with him BDSM wise would be a smart course of action. It is great that you have things written out, have the items/toys you're interested in using, but throwing it all at him at once may be a little overwhelming. 

I know with my husband, we have small discussions every so often about how I am a female switch, and what the entails. We also discuss our needs, desires, wants from time to time, and how we feel about our relationship, and what we feel we want to explore individually and as a couple. 

For example, we are at the point where we are discussing switching to a more poly styled relationship both sexually and romantically, while remaining married, specifically with bringing a female submissive into our relationship. Just as we are also discussing another alternative of remaining married, and having a poly styled relationship where we quietly have someone else that we have a relationship with and see as well, as we both discovered that there are needs and wants that we cannot give or provide to each other, and we do hit patches of boredom, which we would like to avoid. But the more we engage in discussion about this, the more we are honest about our wants, needs, desires and what we want to explore, the more this lifestyle and relationship style is beginning to become a part of our life, relationship, and change it for the better. 

But I didn't throw it all at once to him that I am a Switch, I slowly eased him into it, and even tried incorporating different toys, positions, and scenarios into sexual intimacy to gauge how receptive he may be both to this lifestyle and relationship style, then I began discussing it more and more with him, without being ***ful, without being judgmental, and while remaining open minded and honest. Which included my limitations of what I absolutely will do and absolutely will not do, and what I'd like to have the opportunity to explore both with him and without him. 

I feel like the journey is unique for all of us.. even if we have some commonalities experienced along the way :). 

[Naughty_mrs]

22 hours ago, SpiritualSwitch said:

I know I am new to the site. . . but, I agree with several others, communication is vital. Perhaps communicating with him about your needs, desires, and all of the things you'd like to explore with him BDSM wise would be a smart course of action. It is great that you have things written out, have the items/toys you're interested in using, but throwing it all at him at once may be a little overwhelming. 

I know with my husband, we have small discussions every so often about how I am a female switch, and what the entails. We also discuss our needs, desires, wants from time to time, and how we feel about our relationship, and what we feel we want to explore individually and as a couple. 

For example, we are at the point where we are discussing switching to a more poly styled relationship both sexually and romantically, while remaining married, specifically with bringing a female submissive into our relationship. Just as we are also discussing another alternative of remaining married, and having a poly styled relationship where we quietly have someone else that we have a relationship with and see as well, as we both discovered that there are needs and wants that we cannot give or provide to each other, and we do hit patches of boredom, which we would like to avoid. But the more we engage in discussion about this, the more we are honest about our wants, needs, desires and what we want to explore, the more this lifestyle and relationship style is beginning to become a part of our life, relationship, and change it for the better. 

But I didn't throw it all at once to him that I am a Switch, I slowly eased him into it, and even tried incorporating different toys, positions, and scenarios into sexual intimacy to gauge how receptive he may be both to this lifestyle and relationship style, then I began discussing it more and more with him, without being ***ful, without being judgmental, and while remaining open minded and honest. Which included my limitations of what I absolutely will do and absolutely will not do, and what I'd like to have the opportunity to explore both with him and without him. 

I feel like the journey is unique for all of us.. even if we have some commonalities experienced along the way :). 

I think it also takes knowing your partner. In my case, he is thrilled about everything we discussed. I already kinda knew he was into kink, so it wasn't such a big jump, but I agree that it shouldn't be dropped all at once on someone. I actually didn't just say "hey babe I want you to tie me up, spank  me, and oh BTW are you interested in swinging " I asked questions that would give me insight into where he was so that I can take the conversation in the direction that would yield the desired outcome. 

Communication is the key, inside and outside the bedroom. We both feel like we're dating again, and it's an awesome feeling. 

[Secondtimearound]

My partner and I recently completed a " would you ever" list. We've been together nearly 3 years but it was good to talk and share stories. Yes a glass or 2 of wine was had and there was much hilarity. But I've always thought there should be funny sex too. 

Relax. You're hubbie is going to love your surprise. Please let us all know how it goes. Xxx