Invisible71 Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 ... Given half a chance I'd like to try to learn how to be a Dom in a D/S relationship. But as a newbie I need help in learning the dynamics and any sub I've tried to start a chat with is not interested in helping me to learn. So basically I'm left out on the edges of the community without a way to find out if a D/S scenario is truely for me and whoever may be the sub.
Deleted Member Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 2 hours ago, Invisible71 said: ... Given half a chance I'd like to try to learn how to be a Dom in a D/S relationship. But as a newbie I need help in learning the dynamics and any sub I've tried to start a chat with is not interested in helping me to learn. So basically I'm left out on the edges of the community without a way to find out if a D/S scenario is truely for me and whoever may be the sub. This reads as though subs are the reason you can't become a Dom? Because we won't help? Surely that's not what you mean. I get a fair few messages from men who think they might want to be doms. I honestly fail to see why it's up to me to help men learn. I'm not a support human. I happily talk to lots of people, including guys who are new to d/s. I answer questions, suggest resources and often suggest they ask more questions on a forum like this. But your profile specifically references wanting female "friends" that you might want to play with. You've heard this from me before but that is NOT friendship. You're asking for subs to tell you everything you need to know AND you might hit on them. And because we say no this means you're on the outer edges of the community and can't become a Dom? Would you like to explain this further as atm it sounds pretty entitled.
Deleted Member Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 8 hours ago, peoria602 said: You're correct in the broad sense but its also a social problem. Most people raised in the 20 to 40 years haven't had the best role models, either personally or celebrities. Also the speed of relationships and the "there's plenty fish in the sea" mentality that most people have these days. I have friends that have bounced from relationship to relationship because of small things. That's a lot of generalisations. Wow.
ey**** Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 3 hours ago, Invisible71 said: Given half a chance I'd like to try to learn how to be a Dom in a D/S relationship. So learn. As well as reading resources you can make friends and talk to people without any expectancy of play 3 hours ago, Invisible71 said: So basically I'm left out on the edges of the community without a way to find out if a D/S scenario is truely for me and whoever may be the sub. No, you've placed yourself on the edge of the community. Get stuck into the community accepting that people will not automatically want to play with you.
Invisible71 Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 (edited) ..... so a lady that wants to be a sub can ask for an experienced Dom to help her and that's OK... But somebody who would like to learn to be a Dom from an experienced sub is not OK? If one is permitted and the other is not, please explain why. Edited October 8, 2021 by Invisible71
ey**** Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Invisible71 said: .... so a lady that wants to be a sub can ask for an experienced Dom to help her and that's OK... But somebody who would like to learn to be a Dom from an experienced sub is not OK? If one is permitted and the other is not, please explain why. It's totally OK and that's not something anyone is saying. But there is some context you have to understand. Wanting to learn from someone else is always OK. But approaching strangers and, effectively saying, "teach me" is rarely a good thing If an inexperienced female sub is looking for an experienced Male Dominant to learn from the Male Dominant has very little to lose from this. That he'd be quick to go "yes, I'll train you!" especially if she is a stranger is actually a little worrying - but we know some will. Because they get what they want through this 'training' But to flip - an inexperience Dominant should be learning about toys, equipment, consent, how to use it, etc before *touching* a sub. It's not difficult to build knowledge and experience even without a partner. Getting involved in local community, attending demos and workshops and suddenly you're building a bit more knowledge. And my words above mentioned "stranger" - people are often more accommodating to help each other if you're friends; providing you don't approach them posing as a friend in the hope they'll play with you. Equally... as well as not needing a partner to learn from... rather than learning from a female sub, you might be better learning from another Dominant - you can learn from people you don't want to fuck. This is often a problem also.
Deleted Member Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 2 hours ago, Invisible71 said: ..... so a lady that wants to be a sub can ask for an experienced Dom to help her and that's OK... But somebody who would like to learn to be a Dom from an experienced sub is not OK? If one is permitted and the other is not, please explain why. Eyem has summed up beautifully what I was thinking. For what it's worth I have never approached anyone saying "teach me". About submission or anything else. And I would expect a wannabe Dom to do some work. Just as I have to learn about submission. I am not a super experienced sub, but I have some experience. Quite honestly what's in it for me? Someone I don't know, no prior friendship. I don't understand why so many men message and ask to talk about their kinks and how to be dominant. Why would I say yes? I am NOT a support human just because I'm female.
Ar**** Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 6 hours ago, Invisible71 said: ..... so a lady that wants to be a sub can ask for an experienced Dom to help her and that's OK... But somebody who would like to learn to be a Dom from an experienced sub is not OK? If one is permitted and the other is not, please explain why. I have to agree with Eyem & DFL. The other thing I find interesting about this example you pose is how you have used gender. You have switched both the role and sex of the "askee" and created an inadvertent bias. A more apt comparison would have been either to question why it is okay for an inexperienced male sub to ask/expect an experienced Domme to help him, or why it is okay for a Domme with no experience to ask that of an experienced male sub. Only, those examples better highlight a truth you don't appear to want to hear - gender/sex is irrelevant, nobody of any experience has an obligation to tutor/support anybody else. I'm going to offer you some free insight too; even after you've literally been a part of the community or practicing in some way for decades, that experience doesn't entitle anybody to any passes or short-cuts. Every new dynamic/relationship starts the same way. We're people first, kinksters second.
Ro**** Posted October 8, 2021 Posted October 8, 2021 My dom and I did just that. I believe I asked what I should address him as and he said he likes to get to know people first. We played 20 questions and became friends first and I called him by his name. We built emotional intimacy through the 20 questions and that’s only helped our connection.
Pe**** Posted October 8, 2021 Author Posted October 8, 2021 7 hours ago, Invisible71 said: ..... so a lady that wants to be a sub can ask for an experienced Dom to help her and that's OK... But somebody who would like to learn to be a Dom from an experienced sub is not OK? If one is permitted and the other is not, please explain why. I think you need a mentor. An experienced Dominant that’ll teach you. Subs do not train Dom’s.
Th**** Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 I agree that submissives have no obligation to teach a Dominant but when I was very young in the lifestyle a mature slave whose Master had passed away was kind enough to play / teach me how to phrase instructions correctly and many other nuances of D/s. Being totally honest I think she taught me more than my Mentor, it was certainly from a totally different perspective. The fact she was kind enough to impart her wisdom and explain her motivations in such an unselfish way earned my undying respect and made me a far better and more sensitive Dominant. It is not an expectation though it is a gift of great value like any form of learning and also submission. If you are very lucky Invisible, very pleasant, friendly and appreciative you may be as lucky. Just remember if they are teaching you to be a Dominant then they are not your sub. That comes after you have learnt your craft my friend.
ey**** Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 I think also as well there is a big difference. A big difference. Between helping a friend out - or someone that seems to be good craic And helping a stranger.
Da**** Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 This is true for any relation, otherwise it is pure casual sex. And maybe
Catsailor69 Posted October 13, 2021 Posted October 13, 2021 Thursday at 03:03 PM, nukem11 said: What is my definition of a “good” DOM? First, being someone’s DOM is something you have to earn. It is the biggest gift someone can ever give you, it is the gift of having your sub’s total trust and devotion. A good DOM is a good listener and a good communicator. You must listen to your sub in order to understand what are her (in my case) needs and desires, how to satisfy her, how to comfort her, how far she can be pushed and challenged, what does she consents to, and what are the boundaries you shall not cross. You must pay attention to the details. A good DOM needs to be direct, clear and authoritative with their instructions. You can’t expect results if you can’t convey your message. A good DOM is a good manipulator. You need to know how to manipulate your sub, in a positive way, in order to push and challenge her. You must learn her patterns, her reactions, the way she thinks, you always want to be one or three steps ahead of her. A bratty sub will constantly push the boundaries and you must be able to answer that challenge. A good DOM must know and understand the difference between what USE is and what *** is. There are many who claims to be DOMs and have no idea what is the meaning and duties of a DOM. They only care about their self gratification, for them the sub is just another tool to make them feel empowered. They mostly don’t give a $H!T about the sub and think that *** is submissive. Sometimes it is, when it’s done with consent, but this is not the case. A “healthy” DOM-Sub relationship, even if it’s just in the bedroom, is one where both DOM and sub gain and benefit from. A good DOM is one that can be creative and not repetitive. He must constantly think of ways to better himself and his sub, being able to create and answer to challenges . One of the most important things DOM must practice is after care. During the act, the sub experience high levels of hormones and endorphins that will carry to the next day, the next week. That might be followed by a crush of full mix of emotions and moods, the DOM must not forget to follow up and make sure everything is okay and that the sub is safe. You have brought her to that emotional state, and in part you are responsible for her safety and well being. A good DOM must need to know how to control their own emotions. They must be able to handle rejection, upsets, and failure. Learn a lesson from them and turn them into a positive. A sub must understand that a good DOM is willing to dedicate himself to them, to their safety, to their pleasure, to their needs and to their guidance. A good DOM will expose his deepest emotional and physical connection with their sub. It should not be taken lightly! Good post that I agree with for the largest part. Is submission really a gift though? I have wrestled with this and discussed it with many subs/slaves. What I’ve found has taught me that a M/s and D/s dynamic is a fulfilling and rewarding experience for the submissive. To engage in a dynamic with someone they can deeply trust and know, that allows them to express and experience their desires for serving and pleasing another, is most important and a gift to them as well. The sayings Quid Pro Quo, you get what you give, is most applicable to both. A good, richly rewarding, and exquisite lifestyle experience and dynamic takes time and more than just bedroom desires and experience, IMHO.
Sa**** Posted November 29, 2021 Posted November 29, 2021 I totally understand this, sadly. Too many fake doms out there just looking for a one night stand to feed their frenzy. I found good potential in someone recently who turned out to be a fake dom and I was just more of a fantasy for him. He didn’t like my boundaries or when I told him no. That’s when the real side of him showed. You are absolutely right though, submission is EARNED! It’s really hard out here!
Pe**** Posted November 29, 2021 Author Posted November 29, 2021 Definitely Sami. There are so many out there 😩😩
Deleted Member Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 I find it disturbing how many Doms try to skip the "trust building" steps. I usually can talk about sex and submission with a potential Sub but not give orders until we talk about us and our roles and rules. But that takes weeks or months of getting to know someone. Looking around at the new crop of Doms I get more than a little annoyed.
de**** Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 Thank you for bringing this out in the open. I am new to exploring my kink and looking for a don to teach and care for me
St**** Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 True Doms always care for and cherishes their sub! He might want to tie her, but only with her absolute consent. Yes, it is a kinky partnership, but subs always run the show. Always have, always will. A sub says, “I trust you.” A Dom, out loud, might say, “I know.” Inside he he makes sure she feel appreciated.
Fe**** Posted November 30, 2021 Posted November 30, 2021 I think that, unfortunately, with the development of apps that seem to uphold values of quick meets, swipe life, always find someone else available for your kink or you to date, we will always now have an impatient population that is not concerned with building relationships of trust. Once you’ve experienced a dynamic relationship where that trust was earned line by line, step by step. And you both are very committed and communication comes easy, you won’t want the easy.. Here’s a secret, anyone can slap an ass, *** a throat.. But do you understand the trade off, the balance of power, the equality of it all. It’s not just about being the man. (Or woman) it’s about all of it, the after care, the beginning, all of it.
Pe**** Posted December 1, 2021 Author Posted December 1, 2021 Yesterday at 04:28 AM, titillations said: Thank you for bringing this out in the open. I am new to exploring my kink and looking for a don to teach and care for me Pls, whatever you do, take time to get to know the Dom first. If they start demanding you call them by Sir/Daddy etc straight away then jog them on. If they want you to do tasks/things you don’t want to do just to “prove your submission” just walk away. These are bad people just using bdsm to try and take advantage of you. Stay away until you find someone who really treasures you and does take care of you😘
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