Traditions.

[Pe****]

Is it just me or are there hardly any Dom’s out there anymore who actually follow the foundation of what BDSM is meant to be built on ie respect, trust etc?What happened to taking an interest in a sub as a person first before anything else? Before telling her to open her legs in the first few minutes? Before telling her to get on her knees and open wide? Before telling her she will address from now on as master!! Before setting a task to prove her submission? Are there any “Dom’s” left who realise that submission is earned and not an entitlement?? I’m starting to think it’s all more hassle than it’s worth. If you are reading this and act this way then shame on you. You are not worthy of even thinking you deserve to have the title of a Dominant. Rant over haha!!! This applies to male and female.

[Deleted Member]

As much as I am against traditional thinking, what do you expect in an accelerated world where people are conditioned to consume? It’s an explanation attempt and not an excuse!

[Master50]

Hold on
A submmive/slave/pet
U must learn all u can about the person first. All of the actions that happen must be done in safety. A Dom is responsible for the well-being of each person that they have ownership over. If a Dom doesn't take the time to fully get to know the person then that person should walk away. If a Dom spends time and talk to the individual to really get to know the person them.

[Deleted Member]

Amen 🙏🏽 ... Nowadays someone logs on to an app like this, and as a gift is given the "title" Dominant and is unleashed on the submissives. Too bad actually. Apps like these have the potential to bring BDSM enthusiasts from all over the world together, but unfortunately apps are polarizing. I miss the good times when an aspirant was taken in by an initiate when they were deemed fit.

[UK****]

Unfortunately, it's a trend. I'm not sure what makes them believe that the way they act is the right way. Probably too much porn and not enough reading. Don't give up, there are some out there with the correct mindset, you just need to filter the others quickly and move on.

[Danniu]

I certainly agree with you Kaycie. Parameters should be set and observed

[Deleted Member]

Don’t get me wrong, I agree as well. Still funny to see how the boomers revel in the „everything was better in the past“ mantra. 😁

[charlias]

Tis sad but true. I blame MTV...
Actually I don't. I blame McDonalds and fifty shades of grey. Fast food and poorly made r*pe fantasy.

[hi****]

You have to take your time. Build trust and earn respect. It takes longer but is more rewarding and also adds to the experience as the sub should never know what the dom is going to do next.

[Deleted Member]

Yes, there are certainly plenty of Doms left who are interested in subs as people and who don't rush. I've encountered many on this site. Sadly also lots of people who use d/s as a cover to be manipulative or worse to get what they want. Sounds like you know very well how to spot the difference!

[Midlands_Dom]

There are a few, though depending on the size of your search, if just your postcode vs whole country or whole world?

Bdsm & D/S are not the same thing & often people get the 2 mixed, which adds to the challenge of finding someone on the same level.

[ey****]

to put another spin on it

you kinda at least can rule these people out quickly.

(and then they can start forum threads about how hard it is for men and how no one replies to messages ) 

[Deleted Member]

23 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

to put another spin on it

you kinda at least can rule these people out quickly.

(and then they can start forum threads about how hard it is for men and how no one replies to messages ) 

😆 Burn 😆

[no****]

This is what happens when everyone thinks their life is a porno (male and female). No, having sex has NEVER been a popularity contest but some women think it is. No, having sex has NEVER been about getting laid 10 mins after meeting but some men think it is. Please put your ego aside

[jw****]

I agree.. also where are the polite responses … a simple yes or no can confirm so much instead of blanking things. I love the traditions and wish to open up fully with the right sub… 🤞 everything should be earned and not rushed. 👏

[Deleted Member]

Blame 50 shades of gray my wife and I have been in the lifestyle for 10 years now and over the last 5 years that we noticed that it become a game to a lot of people the roles the responsibility understanding isn’t there anymore. Then the lack of respect form people is disgusting

This has been a huge issue with us finding a partner a lot think we just want a wam bam thank you ma’am no we legit want a relationship with a female or trans

The world doesn’t see this lifestyle as well what it is anymore just like the gender change this bdsm has gotten way out of hand

Lack of knowledge and understanding is dangerous and people just getting into the lifestyle is I. Danger

Here is a great example A week ago we meet a lady super nice and interesting she was 27 new to the lifestyle and the ONLY. Information she had about being a “slave “ was to be paid for her time. Wasn’t talked about just demanding

It become a game to a lot of people that the people who are actually into the lifestyle and understand it respect we are a dying breed

[Th****]

It takes effort, time, patience, understanding, and an ability to preempt the other parties preferences and reactions. Trust become respect then the two over time build loyalty.

It was always the Dominant that ensured that relationships were taken at a slow enough pace to stop the sub getting frenzy. While pacing them well enough that they did not cause sub drop.

We live in faster times now, quick search, quick chat, quick.... Need I go on.

[sm****]

Sadly this also happened in the past, for some of us old hands who can still remember the fly by nights doing "ASL?" lol then getting abusive when declined.  

Same thing happens now and i think to a greater extent as people start thinking of the "scene" like social media and a popularity contest.  No substance or foundations.  More people entering the online side  treat the scene like a lets get me rocks off kink Tinder or POF, thinking anyone is fair game, without actually finding out about peoples mindsets how someone ticks and above all just too damn lazy to spend time getting to know someone over time communicating. 

Then you get the complete narcissistics, had everything handed to them without having to actually put some damn hard leg work effort and thought in to communication, who only think me, me me i want now now now gimme gimme...then say the person they wanted to just get in to bed is a fake, when turned down or ignored.

It's been a problem for all since kink went tinternet.  But with more and more peopel getting easy access now it's magnified the number of knackers.   

If you spend the time, and observe you will notice the genuine people, it takes time, but they tend not to be in your face being "im everyone's friend" most are quite in the background.  It's a real mental downer for a lot of people, especially women who get swamped.   One reason this site has filters you can set, word count, specifics on what you are looking for etc that deters a lot not all, but a lot of the horney kleenex brigade, thinking if i act tough and rough im a DOM.

There are a lot of genuine D's of both sex's out there, takes time to find and weed the dross out but it's worth the effort.  If they aren't bothered to make a genuine effort to make some foundations, bin them, move on, even block so you don't have to suffer their hurt ego.

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I think that’s your opinion which you are entitled to. But mostly sounds like you haven’t found someone that suits what you think is correct way. But that’s where you are wrong. There is now exact way.

[Ch****]

Totally agree 👍

[na****]

All I got to say is well said I’m a Disciplinarian and you have to earn trust in the one you are going to discipline. I do stuff local kinda knew to the app stuff.

[ey****]

Mind

There's a lot of problems I don't think are that new - just - more noticeable.   I think there are a lot of societal changes that backlash onto the fetish scene/community/lifestyle

In some ways it feels a bit backwards that there's probably MORE information available these days versus 20+ years ago - but then also the fetish scene is a little bit more accessible 

I don't blame the likes of 50 Shades - or any other literature bad or otherwise; that did cause a wave of people interested in kink 6 years ago when the film came out - and - actually, while it did cause a few wannabe Doms : there were also a lot of good people used it as an opportunity to take the plunge or find out more.    And, besides. That was 6 years ago.

I don't like to blame anything, but some of our current wave of problems are probably more attributed - not necessarily to sites like Tinder, but, certainly the feeling/illusion that these can be used for quick/NSA hook ups - which is then something that spills over.  

But just as much... 20 odd years ago there'd be folk showed up to the doors of fetish communities who maybe didn't have the right attitude.  They could either be shown away - or - given help, info and guidance.  In some ways that's the same as today, there's just more people because it's more accessible

This doesn't mean it's not a bad thing in ways.  It's just certainly not a new thing.  And we probably wouldn't be able to have this conversation online if not for the increased accessibility. 

[Deleted Member]

What is my definition of a “good” DOM?

First, being someone’s DOM is something you have to earn. It is the biggest gift someone can ever give you, it is the gift of having your sub’s total trust and devotion.

A good DOM is a good listener and a good communicator. You must listen to your sub in order to understand what are her (in my case) needs and desires, how to satisfy her, how to comfort her, how far she can be pushed and challenged, what does she consents to, and what are the boundaries you shall not cross. You must pay attention to the details.

A good DOM needs to be direct, clear and authoritative with their instructions. You can’t expect results if you can’t convey your message.

A good DOM is a good manipulator. You need to know how to manipulate your sub, in a positive way, in order to push and challenge her.
You must learn her patterns, her reactions, the way she thinks, you always want to be one or three steps ahead of her. A bratty sub will constantly push the boundaries and you must be able to answer that challenge.

A good DOM must know and understand the difference between what USE is and what *** is.
There are many who claims to be DOMs and have no idea what is the meaning and duties of a DOM. They only care about their self gratification, for them the sub is just another tool to make them feel empowered. They mostly don’t give a $H!T about the sub and think that *** is submissive. Sometimes it is, when it’s done with consent, but this is not the case.

A “healthy” DOM-Sub relationship, even if it’s just in the bedroom, is one where both DOM and sub gain and benefit from.
A good DOM is one that can be creative and not repetitive. He must constantly think of ways to better himself and his sub, being able to create and answer to challenges .

One of the most important things DOM must practice is after care. During the act, the sub experience high levels of hormones and endorphins that will carry to the next day, the next week. That might be followed by a crush of full mix of emotions and moods, the DOM must not forget to follow up and make sure everything is okay and that the sub is safe. You have brought her to that emotional state, and in part you are responsible for her safety and well being.

A good DOM must need to know how to control their own emotions. They must be able to handle rejection, upsets, and failure. Learn a lesson from them and turn them into a positive.

A sub must understand that a good DOM is willing to dedicate himself to them, to their safety, to their pleasure, to their needs and to their guidance.
A good DOM will expose his deepest emotional and physical connection with their sub.
It should not be taken lightly!

[Deleted Member]

You're correct in the broad sense but its also a social problem. Most people raised in the 20 to 40 years haven't had the best role models, either personally or celebrities. Also the speed of relationships and the "there's plenty fish in the sea" mentality that most people have these days. I have friends that have bounced from relationship to relationship because of small things.

[Th****]

I had a another thought about this, it occurred to me that the person / wannabe that propositions someone after chatting for a short time is going to hit far more people. Compared to an experienced Dom who is more likely to watch from the side lines and even then just chat at first.

So the players will be hitting multiple people in a night and I feel like this may make the problem seem far worse than it is. If we are anything, experienced dominants are usually fussy buggers.

I hope this made as much sense on the page as it did in my head.