Support required

[Lugnut-4292]

Trigger Warning: Discussion of Mental health issues and suicide.

We ask for all replies to be sensitive and supportive, please, thank you. 

The Fetish.com Team 

 

Hi,

 

My wife and I have been experimenting with BDSM and now more specifically humiliation for many years. We have been in a stable relationship for over 20 years. I am mentally ill, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), some kind of mood disorder, and some spectrum of personality disorder. I also suffer from depersonalization and psuedo psychotic experiences. A few years ago my wife found me trying to commit suicide - this is not some fetish thing, this is the real deal as part of a mental health breakdown. I also have epilepsy and chronic fatigue syndrome. I am seeing a psychotherapist now and she is excellent.  I take medication in the form of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, anti-psychotics and of course anti-epilepsy drugs. I can't reach orgasm without some specific cuckold fantasies. I have very low self esteem and a previous therapist told me my sexual preferences were potentially not helping the problem and maybe making things worse. This almost totally killed any sexual pleasure for me. My wife and I stopped having sex for a couple of years. My previous psychiatrist was not so convinced but still did not give me a lot of help.  Anyway, I have had a change of psychiatrist who is really nice. She believes that my sexual preferences are what they are and that they are effect rather than cause. My new therapist agrees and looks to be a bit of an expert in sexual orientation and preferences with a more liberal view. Because my self esteem is low I tend to see my sexual preferences as disgusting and it makes me feel pathetic, not just in play but all the time. With the help of my therapist I am now able to enjoy sex again but I am still not comfortable with who I  am. The therapist suggested that I reach out to other people with similar interests so that is why I am posting here. I know there has been lots of debate about sexual preference and psychology and there are mixed feelings, I don't want to start a flame war, I just want some help and support.

 

LugNut.  

[Lugnut-4292]

Opps, waiting for approval, wonder if I have broken a rule or something? While I can still post a reply, poor mental health is bad and suicidal feelings are very bad. If you feel suicidal get help as a top priority. If you think somebody you know is in a poor mental state, don't be afraid to ask them how they are feeling and be supportive. I know poor mental health and BDSM don't go hand in hand and I am not trying to make any links, just saying, look out for your playmates and anybody else you know. If they are in trouble try and be supportive and guide them to the Samaritans or alternative organisations. If urgent take them to accident & emergency at hospital. Lecture over.

LugNut

[Deleted Member]

Not really much useful I can say, I lack first hand experience of your preferences. However I just wanted to chime in and say it sounds good that you have a less blinkered therapist now and I wish you and your partner all the very best! Even discussing this kind of thing is something very few couples ever do so it sounds like you guys have something really special. Good luck!

[BigPolly]

Ok, I’m not in the same situation so I can’t comment on that but with me outwardly I am loud & brash & appear very confident, I run my own business & I’ll happily approach people I don’t know, inside I am actually quite shy. I am confident in myself but shy generally....not all positive traits but I ‘know who I am’ I am a submissive (I haven’t always been a submissive) this is my sexual preference & no reflection of how I am in everyday life. If someone hit me whilst I was out I’d probably hit them back however as a submissive I have been whipped & caned & beaten & tortured & humiliated in the harshest of ways, sometimes to the point where it is my own mental battle to carry on....yet the more extreme my pain the more pleasure I get. So my point is, we’re all different & have to accept that that includes some brick walls. Without the mental illness etc you wouldn’t be ‘wonderful you’ & although your sexual preference is cuckolding that doesn’t necessarily reflect on ‘you’ as a person. I know you said you see yourself as pathetic but personally I think anyone who is a cuckold is an extremely strong minded person. Sure this may be some mental way of punishing yourself but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s detrimental. My friend thinks I’m insane to wear a collar & allow people to hurt & humiliate me so severely, but oh my word it feels so good! Would you still desire to be a cuckold if you hadn’t gone through what you had...probably because at the end of the day that’s what turns you on! So maybe the 2 really aren’t actually linked. Mental health, everyday life, work etc etc is beyond hard & stressful, we are looking for a release but we are the lucky ones who have the balls to go out & ask for what we want rather than spending life fantasising....you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for, look how far you’ve come mentally & now you’re on here asking for advice....you’re amazing!

[Tyskiethebear]

Hi LugNut. Having experienced many periods of low self esteem throughout my life too, I find myself empathising with what you are talking about. However (and in my opinion), society itself has made sex naughty, so intrinsically fetishes will happen! (?) I hope you find some peace with yourself.

[Deleted Member]

Personally lugnut. I went through a terrible relationship in which i was abused that was a kink relationship, i was a slave and he was a master. I thought my want for dominance was a disgusting result of this but in future relationships as i explored this 'shameful' side of me i found it actually has helped me come to terms, deal with and accept my problems. It now is what my psychiatrist thinks of as a substitution mechanism in which i deal with my insecurity and self confidence issues by providing it to my submissives. I think that in your case its not unhealthy at all but just something that is a part of you like mine is with me. To those who told you it was unhealthy id like to see them point to someone who is objectively mentally 'healthy' there isnt one. We just need to find our ways through this world and if cuckold fantasies is yours then let it be your way :).

[Be****]

There is nothing wrong, or shameful about your sexual desires. Cuckolding isn't even an uncommon fetish. I know that society likes to make us kinksters feel dirty or weird, but that's their issue, not ours - you have a right to your desires. I'm sure your wife has already given you some validation in this way, but I just wanted to say that you are accepted, maybe not in 'vanilla society' but you are accepted within your marriage, and here with all the rest of us perverts (I say that as a compliment, and not an insult). I'm sure there are many who will offer up their insights and opinions where all I can offer is support. But you have it. I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to come to terms with your fetishes x

[Lugnut-4292]

Thanks,

There have been some really great replies to my post. I am a lot better now then I was a few years ago. My previous therapist (NHS) really screwed me up. I won't go into the details as they are still too painful and they will cause more red flags in the system. Suffice to say I don't think she should be practicing. I can't wait to tell my new therapist what a positive responce I have had here, she is great and supportive and empathetic. Mrs LugNut is not a natural Domme but she does a bloddy good job when she puts her mind to it. We are planning a profile pic at the weekend if my son is not back from Uni. I don't think she is ready to show her face yet and she is shy. We are a bit older than some on here and a bit podgy Not sure what we are looking for, just to be accepted I guess. I won't go into my grotty past but parents can fuck you up a lot. Maybe they don't meen to, maybe their parent's fucked them up, not judging but jeeezzz. I have a son and I love him to bits, I hope to god I have not screwed him up - he is studying to be an aerospace engineer and I am so proud of how well he is doing. We are BBQing chicken tonight and all I really want is filthy sex, I hope it finishes cooking soon.....so we can geo onto pudding.

LugNut.

[Be****]

Lugnut, she doesn't have to show her face, and there is no rule that says skinny is the only shade of sexy. Does it matter if she's not a natural Dom, as long as you're both enjoying yourselves? Plus, if she needs tips you can just start another post and ask, most people LOVE giving advice to those who ask for it. We all have different tastes and fetishes and that's ok. You will be accepted as long as you're polite, which from what I can tell you are. That's just how the fetish scene is, we accept others because we in turn need to be accepted. Hope your BBQ and sexy treats go well tonight x

[Lugnut-4292]

On 15/05/2018 at 5:53 PM, BerryBrighton said:

There is nothing wrong, or shameful about your sexual desires. Cuckolding isn't even an uncommon fetish. I know that society likes to make us kinksters feel dirty or weird, but that's their issue, not ours - you have a right to your desires. I'm sure your wife has already given you some validation in this way, but I just wanted to say that you are accepted, maybe not in 'vanilla society' but you are accepted within your marriage, and here with all the rest of us perverts (I say that as a compliment, and not an insult). I'm sure there are many who will offer up their insights and opinions where all I can offer is support. But you have it. I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to come to terms with your fetishes x

@BerryBrighton

Hi, sorry for the slow reply. I was going to message you but I have not verified my account yet so hopefully you see the reply here. I just wanted to thank you for your kind advice. We have been to our first munch and I have tried to contribute to the forums. Things are improving. I still feel shame but my current therapist is fantastic and is helping me massively. We are undoing the damage from the NHS thereapist. Feeling part of a community is helping us enjoy sex again as we all share some kinky commonality. We even managed to post a few photos. It's going to be a long road to becomming as healthy as I an be. One of my major goals is to be able to cope without anti-psychotics because the side effects are horrendous. A large part of achieving that will be acceptance of who I am and to live with any querks and mistakes I make as human nature. Anyway, enough waffle, thanks again for your kind words.

LugNut

[ca****]

Hi Lugnut and mrs Lugnut 

Really good to read your message - and seeing that you are getting good response to it.

I can relate to much of what you have said - my personal experience includes quite  a lot of counselling and thru that I have also learnt that it has stemmed from my parents /  upbringing (their history as well).  Although I have not been in depth about the sexual side of things - something I have had to try and resolve thru my own devices / experimentation - i would applaud the ongoing counselling especially as you have found someone who seems to work wel with you.

I had 3 bouts of counselling  - 2 of my counselors were very good and i discovered a lot about myself and life in general - the other (also via the NHS was a waste of space and was all about ticking boxes.... quite disappointing).

So I meant to say!!!!!     Whoever the NHS councellopr was who put forward their 'professional' opinion - was in my mind showing a huge lack of understanding and appreciation - i would agree with you that they should not be working at that level.

I'd be happy to chat / message if you like to exchange experiences further.

 

Gx

[Lugnut-4292]

On 15/05/2018 at 1:54 PM, BigPolly said:

Ok, I’m not in the same situation so I can’t comment on that but with me outwardly I am loud & brash & appear very confident, I run my own business & I’ll happily approach people I don’t know, inside I am actually quite shy. I am confident in myself but shy generally....not all positive traits but I ‘know who I am’ I am a submissive (I haven’t always been a submissive) this is my sexual preference & no reflection of how I am in everyday life. If someone hit me whilst I was out I’d probably hit them back however as a submissive I have been whipped & caned & beaten & tortured & humiliated in the harshest of ways, sometimes to the point where it is my own mental battle to carry on....yet the more extreme my pain the more pleasure I get. So my point is, we’re all different & have to accept that that includes some brick walls. Without the mental illness etc you wouldn’t be ‘wonderful you’ & although your sexual preference is cuckolding that doesn’t necessarily reflect on ‘you’ as a person. I know you said you see yourself as pathetic but personally I think anyone who is a cuckold is an extremely strong minded person. Sure this may be some mental way of punishing yourself but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s detrimental. My friend thinks I’m insane to wear a collar & allow people to hurt & humiliate me so severely, but oh my word it feels so good! Would you still desire to be a cuckold if you hadn’t gone through what you had...probably because at the end of the day that’s what turns you on! So maybe the 2 really aren’t actually linked. Mental health, everyday life, work etc etc is beyond hard & stressful, we are looking for a release but we are the lucky ones who have the balls to go out & ask for what we want rather than spending life fantasising....you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for, look how far you’ve come mentally & now you’re on here asking for advice....you’re amazing!

@BigPolly

Thanks for your help. Well, I come accross as loud and very thick skinned but all that is just a mask for me, a way to protect myself. I do have a well paid professional job and in my previous role used to fly globally representing my employer. I am the breadwinner and a father. In life I am no pushover, I could not survive if I was. Sexually I am submissive and in some ways outside of the bedroom I want a partner to make some of the decisions and to 'look after' me. As a neglected child I have insecure bonds that can make me appear a bit neady and I don't like that. I want to be a 'MAN' as my father saw himself but I see myself as weak and there is the clash. I don't like seeing myself as the sissy cuckold but indeed that is what turns me on - very perverse. Suicide is not necessarily an easy way out but it is selfish and leaves devistation behind - it shatters lives. I only ended up there because I was ill and needed professional help. I hope I can learn to see my kink as a positive but at least I am enjoying it a bit more now. My therapist tells me that my sexuality is largelly an effect of my upbringing, it is not an illness, it is not making me ill, it is just how I have adapted to survive. She tells me to embrace it and enjoy it, to explore my kinky side. I suppose I ought to look to the positives. I have brought up a fantastic son, I did well at uni, I have a good job, a great wife etc. I'll keep working on it.

L

[andrebarr]

Hi Lognut,

Cuckolding in general is a common desire whether it be from the male cuckold partner, from his partners view or from the Dom with whom the cuckolds partner submits too.

Does your partner have the same passion to cuckold you as you have to be cuckolded?

If so why not search on here for a suitable Dom who is sensible and would be happy to experiment with you and be prepared to stop the second you asked him to?

There are many many cuckolds out there, chatting to one of them may help.

I’m sorry to hear about your mental health struggles, but a desire to be cuckolded is not necessarily connected.