TW / CW How to Top Someone with Past Sexual Trauma

[Deleted Member]

TW: sexual assault 

 

I hope this is okay to post here. I've been a total bottom, very submissive, to my partner for 17 years. Recently, he expressed an interest in me taking more of a top role with him, not full out dom, but definitely not a submissive bottom. 

Here's my road block... he has an intense amount of past sexual trauma. Any kind of physical restraint or anything that makes him feel trapped is out of the question. So is *** or ***. 

Obviously, I need to be talking with him about this, that's no question and it is definitely (slowly) happening. 

But I'd appreciate any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation. I want to learn how to be more dominant with my partner and it is a completely new realm/role for me and I'm struggling a bit. So yeah... any advice, creative suggestions, words of encouragement would be a huge help. 

[Deleted Member]

Yes I see the predicament, there are many ways to achieve your goal. 

Obviously you will discuss everything with your partner, but some suggestions I can think of... 

If he is bi-sexual you could have a another guy join you and you could rub their cocks together (frottage) while you jack them off. It's very hot to have a women rub your cock against another and quite Domme to do.

Or maybe he could try some suspenders and knickers and do the washing up for you. 

Another suggestion (which is a personal favorite of mine) simply sit on the sofa, have him on the floor and just watch him masturbate. 

Hope these suggestions will help and best of luck. 

[Mmmay]

I found it helpful to try some restraint time with conversation and scissors near by.

[ge****]

I think a lot needs to come from him and identifying what may trigger him - so it's great that you plan on talking and discussing to establish that. You've mentioned restraints and ***/*** as definite no-go areas but you need to understand what else there might be - that said there are so many things that could form part of a D/s dynamic across the spectrum of mild to fairly extreme and the only real limit is your imagination as to how to incorporate that.

For example setting him tasks to complete, which don't have to cross any boundaries but still assert a level of domination - could be something as simple as a foot massage.

As part of your discussions to understand what makes you both tick, maybe seek out an on-line BDSM questionnaire (the type that lay out literally 100s of elements of D/s and have you rate them 1-5 in terms of interest), complete them separately and then get together to compare notes - this will not only help you both understand your interests, boundaries and limits, but will also help you understand any particular trigger areas as well as providing a framework for whatever dynamic you decide on.

Of course you have to tread carefully and take things slowly but to an extent there may be some trial and error required to find what works but take your guide from him as best you can and definitely set up safe words that he can use if he is uncomfortable in any way, both physically and mentally.

[Leisa]

From a sub who has had past trauma, albeit many years ago, it was the constant checking in and him telling me everything he was doing that helped get me over that first hurtle. I used to hate being restrained because I felt trapped and *** but now crave it. My first dominate talked me through every step of the way and the bounds were lose enough so I could slip out if I wanted to. Everyone was right though. There are so many ways to top, both sexual and not. Facesitting is a great tool to dominance but can leave their hands free to grasp and move. Pegging, depending on the trauma he experienced and his comfort level is another in which he’s left free to move. I can understand the *** and *** and to this days are on my limits list. Sit together and openly discuss what his limits are and go slow. It sounds like he may still have some residual trauma from his past trauma and you will need to tread lightly not to trigger that. If something you do unfortunately does create a trigger don’t feel badly about yourself. Just don’t use that method again. It may be helpful that if together you sit down and write a complete scene step by step. That way he knows exactly what is coming and when. It may not be the most successful scene and certainly won’t be without stress but once that trust builds so will the natural ease. Best of luck.

[Matttster]

It sounds like you are already, but taking things slow. Start simple and build from there. Like Leisa mentioned with restraint, start with it loose enough to easily slip from (as a Top, I like this anyway as it is more a “mental” restraint than a physical one).

Open communication is the big thing. A discussion of limits, hard and soft. Soft limits can be pushed hard limits avoided. A big part of the communication should be the safe words. I like the red, yellow, green; yellow being very important as it can slow things to avoid the red.

[Th****]

You have had really great advice so far and you seem to be handling the situation very sensibly.

The only point I wanted to labour is that you can totally have a strong D/s dynamic with out restraints, *** or ***.

In fact you can turn the not using restraints angle into a tool to your advantage. Tell him where to put his hands etc. Just because they are not held there doesn't mean that he cannot hold them in that position.

You can work around all these limitations with a little imagination and with time I am sure you will be able to turn them into a feature of your play. D/s is as unique as every couple, or it should be and you will grow together in this.

As has been mentioned don't be afraid to check in during play. It never hurts just to step out of role for a second and say "How are you doing? Are you okay with this?"

It shows thoughtfulness and strength and not weakness.

I am sure you will be just fine.

[BadDesires]

I can see a lot of good advice in here which can apply to all dynamics not just those with a traumatic past. Communication is obviously a key factor. Establish boundaries, expectations or bounce around a few suggestions. Are they looking to explore something unexpected or require a step by step walkthrough to reassure them what will happen. There are tricks you can use to establish a level of control without completely removing theirs.
I've often found myself curious to experiment with creative predicament scenarios. For example encourage a sub to pin a coin or 2 to the wall for as long as possible, maybe to earn some sort of reward. The Sub is then trapped mentally more than physically. The dominant can then explore ways to make it more challenging. A simple kiss, teasing, tickling, spanks, ice play or boring them with your favourite TV they may hate. You can be creative and have fun.
Depending on there *** of restraint this might not be what you are looking for but hopefully it helps inspire discussion and creativity in a way you can find something you both can build on.

[so****]

Best advice is to be VERY fuckin careful. Smallest little thing could set them off and/or get accusations made towards you as well. I truly feel bad for these people & believe that ALL sex offenders should be brutally executed. Anyone who argues with this & shows sympathy towards sex offenders is probably one themselves. Sex offenders get no mercy. & Their victims should be treated with the utmost care & respect. Most are very mentally unstable & need special attention so as to not trigger them. I'm sure there's exceptions, as in everything in life. But general rule of thumb is to tread extraordinarily lightly & make super fuckin sure they're comfortable with every little thing. Idk it's tricky as hell, that's for sure. Best of luck to ya & happy Thanksgiving 🦃🇺🇸🇺🇸 🇺🇸