10 Bits of Advice for (new) subs

[ey****]

I often see (particularly) new subs who appear dejected at how difficult it is for them to find a Dominant/Mistress.

Particularly so if they feel they're in a sea of scammers or people they've been talking to for a week who suddenly spring up about tribute. (Which is also likely to be a scam, as Pro's may not have wasted their own time for a week.)

There's a few quick tips I feel I often give, which are summarised below.

1) IT IS DIFFICULT FINDING SOMEONE

Once you accept that very basic piece of wisdom, you can approach everything with a more open mind.
Do not expect to fire off a handful of messages, or go to a couple of events and be suddenly whisked off by the Domme of your dreams.

Patience is a very important virtue here.

2) BUT DO GO TO MUNCHES AND EVENTS

It is possible to become known or build rapport online.  But it is much quicker if you actually meet people in the flesh, or have some real-life experiences to draw upon.
Remember these are not hook-up events, although many people have found play and/or partners via them, but building friendships, knowledge and passive connections is always valuable.

3) ONLY APPROACH/PROPOSITION THOSE WHO ACTUALLY INTEREST YOU

Someone always blow you away with what they say online? Message them and tell them.
Someone at a munch seems cool and interesting? Say hello.
Someone happen to be listed as 'Domme' and are near-ish to your area and have a weak profile? Why are you messaging them? That's just desperation.

Don't do the whole "message all the Domme's" thing, especially not with the same message. Maybe take some time and patience and reach out only to those who really interest you?
Your approach will come over better also.

4) APPROACH PEOPLE AS IF THEY ARE A PERSON, NOT A FETISH

This doesn't matter if they are someone online, or at an event, Pro or not.  Approaching people as if they are a person, for a conversation, will always go a lot better than just handing a shopping list of fetishes over.
(NB: context applies, if you go onto a Pro Domme website you wouldn't then email them "for a chat".  But certainly things are different in social settings)

5) LEARN TO HANDLE REJECTION

No is not a challenge. It's a decision.
No response is (usually) a no.
By the laws of averages you will interact or contact more people that you are not compatible than you are.

6) UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU CAN OFFER AND NOT JUST HOW YOU BENEFIT

A lot of subs fall foul of what I've refered to as 'mirror logic'.  The logic is a very simple; "I am interested in worshipping feet, therefore there is a woman interested in having her feet worshipped"
Now, actually. That is correct.  The difference here is this comes across that, what you are interested in is foot worship - and not necessarily the person.
Yes, of course there are women who enjoy having their feet worshipped. Just. Why with you?

Again if you're thinking "you're good at it", or "you're good looking" or anything else so shallow you don't quite get the full picture.

Why does someone want to spend time with you?

7) LEARN ABOUT THE KINKS YOU WANT TO PARTAKE IN

If someone is going to strap you up, beat you, peg you, whatever.  Do you know how to prepare for it?
Do you understand how to spot if the Dominant isn't behaving safely?  Can you communicate what you like and don't like about the activities?
If someone wants to learn more about it, can you guide them on it? (That's not "topping from the bottom" if it's helping with someone else's learning and education)

8) DROP THE BULLSHIT "I'LL DO ANYTHING" AND VARIANTS

Even if you genuinely believe you would do anything - saying this already demonstrates you wouldn't.
How so?
Because 'anything' would include learning how to approach someone.  Learning how to communicate your interests.
Learning that "I'll do anything" is rarely helpful and leads people feeling like it's tiring try to coax out what you have in common.

9) REMEMBER YOUR TIMELINE TELLS ON YOU

Most websites it's very easy for the person you've messaged to cycle through your post history.
This doesn't mean to curate for their benefit.  But, everything like the comments you've left on pictures. The discussions you've made in groups.  So on. May ***t a picture.

Whether that is good or bad, is variable.  But assume someone you're contacting would do some form of due dilligence.

If you're telling someone she's the most wonderful person you've ever seen and your timeline is constant attempts at flirting, it might not back up your story.

10) BE CAUTIOUS WHEN SPEAKING ABOUT SCAMMERS, FAKES, PROS AND TRIBUTE

So, I'm not going to say treat scammers with respect.  But if you're someone who is constantly getting bombarded by scammers you might want to question why you are not spotting them sooner (I have a previous blog on this) and, of course, when you're sending out speculative messages the scammers always reply.  So, the vibe given out is that you're mass messaging.

This said, of course, if you're talking to someone and unsure if it's a scam or not, pose the question. 
But moaning about being frequented by scammers and fakes often looks weak.

Fake, of course, is a weasel word.  Usually the guys who use 'fake' use it to describe women who won't drop everything and meet them to act out their fetishes for free.

So complaining about fakes makes you look entitled.

And, when it comes to Pro's - that Pro-Domme's exist is not hampering you getting the relationship of your dreams just as takeaway services existing aren't the reason no one is cooking your dinner tonight.
It gets a bit apples and pears.
It sounds more like you're making excuses for not being appealing.

Of course, you may very well want to go a more "Pro" route which is also totally fine.  The above all applies.

[Du****]

Once again, Eyem, here you are, knocking it out of the park: this is sage advice in every respect. I’m often accused of being a ‘fake’ (seriously? You think someone would make this up thinking it’ll attract anyone?) but it’s usually because I’ve turned them down - or just not replied. I avoid anyone who says they’ll “do anything”; anyone who obviously copy/pastes their messages; and anyone who waxes too lyrical on what they want to do to me or for me. If they haven’t taken the time to get to know me as a person, they’re clearly gratifying only themselves with the offer, and will just as clearly make the same offer to every Domme they encounter. And yes - oh my goodness - if they take care to tell me they’re “not here for hookups”, and yet their profile reveals a string of ads asking ‘who’s down to fuck tonight’, what, do they think I won’t notice?
Is that the time? I must be going… 😂

Thanks again, Eyem. Terrific read.

[MrRico]

Nice article, very well said :)

[ge****]

All sound advice and that could actually be applied to pretty much any form of online interaction related to meeting other people if you remove some of the kink references.

I'd add a couple more points though:

(11) Put some thought and effort into your profile - don't think that simply saying "I want someone to dominate me" is going to have the offers flooding in - make your profile interesting and worth reading, aim to intrigue and pique interest. Show that you know not only what you are looking for, but why you are looking for it. Tell readers a little about you and your interests - it doesn't have to be war and peace, but equally it shouldn't take less than ten seconds to read.

(12) Pictures - like your profile put some effort into them, think about what is appealing and what others might like to see, not what you think they should see. Pay attention to backgrounds etc - these often tell more of a tale than the pic itself.

(13) Approach - think about how you approach others - do so with a sense of expectation and entitlement and you've already set yourself up for a fall. Be respectful and considerate at all times and be prepared to accept that you might not be what someone is looking for, even though you think you are.

(14) Sending blind messages isn't the only way - many fall into this trap on sites like this, blindly sending messages to other users - it's possibly the hardest way to go about getting a response - so think of other ways to get to know people - being active in the forums and chat rooms are great ways to get yourself known and to get to know others, likewise (as eyem said) getting to munches and events

(15) Expectations of "success" - whilst I hate to think of a meet as "succeeding" like it's some form of prize, many do view it that way, so set those expectations to the lowest possible setting and then turn them down another notch - personally I approach sites like this with no set agenda, or expectation of meeting people, taking a more laid back "if it happens it happens" view and in six or more years of using this type of site have never once felt frustrated by my experience of meeting others.

Am sure there are more, but follow all of the above and whilst nothing is guaranteed the experience and perception will be far better.

[Je****]

I enjoyed this!

[Du****]

9 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

All sound advice and that could actually be applied to pretty much any form of online interaction related to meeting other people if you remove some of the kink references.

I'd add a couple more points though:

(11) Put some thought and effort into your profile - don't think that simply saying "I want someone to dominate me" is going to have the offers flooding in - make your profile interesting and worth reading, aim to intrigue and pique interest. Show that you know not only what you are looking for, but why you are looking for it. Tell readers a little about you and your interests - it doesn't have to be war and peace, but equally it shouldn't take less than ten seconds to read.

(12) Pictures - like your profile put some effort into them, think about what is appealing and what others might like to see, not what you think they should see. Pay attention to backgrounds etc - these often tell more of a tale than the pic itself.

(13) Approach - think about how you approach others - do so with a sense of expectation and entitlement and you've already set yourself up for a fall. Be respectful and considerate at all times and be prepared to accept that you might not be what someone is looking for, even though you think you are.

(14) Sending blind messages isn't the only way - many fall into this trap on sites like this, blindly sending messages to other users - it's possibly the hardest way to go about getting a response - so think of other ways to get to know people - being active in the forums and chat rooms are great ways to get yourself known and to get to know others, likewise (as eyem said) getting to munches and events

(15) Expectations of "success" - whilst I hate to think of a meet as "succeeding" like it's some form of prize, many do view it that way, so set those expectations to the lowest possible setting and then turn them down another notch - personally I approach sites like this with no set agenda, or expectation of meeting people, taking a more laid back "if it happens it happens" view and in six or more years of using this type of site have never once felt frustrated by my experience of meeting others.

Am sure there are more, but follow all of the above and whilst nothing is guaranteed the experience and perception will be far better.

The number of men I’ve rejected because their photos highlight their disgusting messy bedroom or their filthy bathroom! Still, at least I find out before it’s too late!

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

The number of men I’ve rejected because their photos highlight their disgusting messy bedroom or their filthy bathroom! Still, at least I find out before it’s too late!

Soooo many people don't look at the background of the picture, realizing that also represents them. Blows my mind.

[4R****]

Love this and all so very true. But this holds true in every respect, whatever role you happen to be and regardless of the role you're looking for. As for "I'll do anything" or "no limits" submissives....... well I'll be posting a separate topic with my opinion on those winners later!

[uk****]

All of these can apply to D’s too. Just saying

[ey****]

1 hour ago, DuchessFeuille said:

I’m often accused of being a ‘fake’ (seriously? You think someone would make this up thinking it’ll attract anyone?) but it’s usually because I’ve turned them down - or just not replied

Yep - this is very much my point.

That 'fake' is usually thrown around as either a 'challenge' (come on Domme's prove you're real) and it's usually just a telling "people won't drop everything to meet me - therefore they're fake" which comes over as bitter - and - well, is counterproductive.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, MrRico said:

Nice article, very well said

Thank you

[ey****]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

All sound advice and that could actually be applied to pretty much any form of online interaction related to meeting other people if you remove some of the kink references.

Absolutely - I think a lot is interchangeable.

 

[ey****]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

I enjoyed this!

Thank you

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Yep - this is very much my point.

That 'fake' is usually thrown around as either a 'challenge' (come on Domme's prove you're real) and it's usually just a telling "people won't drop everything to meet me - therefore they're fake" which comes over as bitter - and - well, is counterproductive.

As a sub, I've had it used as a manipulation tactic to try and guilt me into sending pics or agreeing to cyber play by fake D's. Doesn't work on me, but I'm sure there are other subs in a position where they feel the need to prove themselves who then go on and do things they wish they hadn't.

 

[ey****]

58 minutes ago, SirArchA said:

Love this and all so very true. But this holds true in every respect, whatever role you happen to be and regardless of the role you're looking for. As for "I'll do anything" or "no limits" submissives....... well I'll be posting a separate topic with my opinion on those winners later!

haha - good stuff

I think one of the briefest summaries I've seen kinda translates "I have no limits" into "I have no idea about kink" 

[ey****]

45 minutes ago, ukmarky said:

All of these can apply to D’s too. Just saying

I think a lot is interchangeable. Sure.  Some I would change around slightly from a different perspective if it was about Dominant males.  

[ey****]

5 minutes ago, Charmander said:

As a sub, I've had it used as a manipulation tactic to try and guilt me into sending pics or agreeing to cyber play by fake D's. Doesn't work on me, but I'm sure there are other subs in a position where they feel the need to prove themselves who then go on and do things they wish they hadn't.

yep - it is classic manipulation or gaslighting - especially used at playing on someone's eagerness or naivety.  

[Catsailor69]

Very sage advice eyemblacksheep. Perhaps some of the best I’ve read in a long time.

To me as a Dom, your 4th point “approach people as if they are a person, not a fetish, goes a long way on both sides of the slash. I’ve experienced many that came at me like I am a made to order satisfaction, lol. When we begin seeing the person and get to know them first, the experience is much more rewarding and pleasing. See the person and how you might fit together, the kink becomes a delightful expression for the fit.

[Ki****]

It's always a pleasure to hear your thoughts, eyemblacksheep, and this is no exception! Really well put together. I feel there's a lot of people who should read this before doing anything on this site, including me when I first joined (whoops, haha)

[ey****]

2 hours ago, Catsailor69 said:

To me as a Dom, your 4th point “approach people as if they are a person, not a fetish, goes a long way on both sides of the slash. I’ve experienced many that came at me like I am a made to order satisfaction, lol. When we begin seeing the person and get to know them first, the experience is much more rewarding and pleasing. See the person and how you might fit together, the kink becomes a delightful expression for the fit.

Absolutely - I think it is a common problem - but - it's also one of the ones that I often hear women/Domme's complain about the most - that they'll get approaches that are like someone is badly trying to book a Pro Domme session - and then get called 'fake' when they try to explain to the guy that's not how it works.

Of course, like a lot of problems it's not exclusive to one group or another.  But yep, with whatever intention, it just always reads like "these are the fetishes I care about; you'll do" rather than actually acknowledging it's a person at the other side.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, KinkyKy said:

I feel there's a lot of people who should read this before doing anything on this site, including me when I first joined (whoops, haha)

Yeah, but growth is good.  I think most people have, particularly when new, maybe been a little clumsy or misunderstanding things - but then growth is good.  

[SubSusie]

Great advice, thanks for the tips

[Vi****]

What a brilliant read, thank you.

[Brat83]

Great advice, thanks

[Deleted Member]

On 12/11/2021 at 1:05 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

10) BE CAUTIOUS WHEN SPEAKING ABOUT SCAMMERS, FAKES, PROS AND TRIBUTE

So, I'm not going to say treat scammers with respect.  But if you're someone who is constantly getting bombarded by scammers you might want to question why you are not spotting them sooner (I have a previous blog on this) and, of course, when you're sending out speculative messages the scammers always reply.  So, the vibe given out is that you're mass messaging.

 

To be honest I find that the number of scammers / fake Dommes not only very sad but thoroughly depressing; I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone trying to explore elements of their personality and sexuality for the first time only to be be met with such exploitation.

There is, has been and will be forever be a massive discrepancy in the number of Dommes and male subs, and that in itself creates a "market" to be exploited by the unscrupled.  You only need to join one of the plethora of kinky dating sites to understand how prevalent this is; one site had a picture of a Cardiff based Pro-Domme who apparently had moved to Scotland, a Birmingham lady now residing in London and a German latex fetish model who had relocated to Liverpool.  If you didn't realise that these ads were "in all probability" fake with copied pictures then it's easy to get drawn into the lies through excitement and inexperience.

That, coupled with the *"seemingly" indifference to messages sent to real people whereby you may not get a reply and therefore feel ignored and rejected, means that it can be an incredible frustrating and sad experience trying to explore something that you may have kept hidden and unexplored.  (*seemingly: on the basis that I would defy anybody to view a Domme's inbox without thinking OMG and WTF, let alone the sheer volume of the email they receive.)

Fortunately this and other threads in the forum offers sound and cognizant advice not only on the pitfalls of being exploitated but on some of the approaches that might get a positive reponse.