Submission Is...Sometimes Confusing

[CopperKnob]

I am still quite new to D/s. I find myself surprised by the power differentials and the contradictions I encounter. With my first Dom, the more open and trusting I became, the more I submitted and the more I felt my own power.

But it comes at a cost. The constant questioning of self, the unease, the uncertainty, the *** of being...seen. It felt natural at times and, at others not.

I am a leader. I am competitive. I believe in winning (and I will find a loophole to make sure I do). My work is about social justice, enabling people to achieve their outcomes, gaining independence, self determination, autonomy and control over their own lifes. Nurturing agency and developing resilience in people. I love it...mostly. Mostly, I feel fully engaged and empowered when I'm working.

How was it that I was so willing to give so much of that up for myself?

How was it that my power was enhanced by my abject desire to please him? To tell him of my sucesses? My good news stories?

I didn't know I needed this. Like most, I have wounds from trauma. I have worked hard to heal and to develop healthy boundaries. To make sure I don't need to rely on others. And yet, in this space I found liberation and healing. The more I trusted in him, the more I willingly accepted his power, guidance and leadership. The consequence of which was that I felt stronger. Even when I was contemplating doing something that I'd not done before and/or worried me. I knew he'd offer me praise. I also knew he'd tell me I was his and I craved both like nothing I could have imagined.

I gave him my power, he gave me it back in return?

It was far from comfortable, the contradictions I was faced with messed with my head. But there was a rightness there.

As confusing as it was, I miss it. I miss feeling at...home.

[Ar****]

Home... yes. It's a powerful feeling, and when it is taken away nothing can truly replace the loss.

My first relationship following my son's mother was a difficult and confusing one. There was alcoholism, and when alcohol was imbibed there was ***. But when she wasn't on the sauce it was the most perfect and beautiful relationship I've known, a match unlike any other.

Reading this, it reminded me of my song for her... oh for that feeling of home again...

https://youtu.be/G8SM_Hr1Ldk

[Dustykat]

I feel the *** in your writing. Wondering if you're being true to yourself then all will heel but if not take the time cause the answer is always in front of oneself 🧚‍♀️

[Carnelian2]

"Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself" is a quote that comes to mind. Not quite sure who came up with it, but I kind of get that feeling from reading the original post.
Losing oneself takes courage, though, and I think you display that in spades. We are all contradictions and it takes time to accept that everything is but a part of who we are.