Need help identifying who I am on here

[Deleted Member]

so I've been into kink and bdsm and all things fun since I was roughly 18 and I've been lucky enough to explore alot and to discover who I am without using any kink dating sites before I found this and since being on here I've actually found it pretty difficult to explain who I am. I'm going to try now 

so I'm a switch sounds fairly simple right or it does to me atleast so I enjoy being a Dom and a sub but it goes a little further than that as a Dom I enjoy being a caring and loving daddy Dom who would do anything to care for his babygirl and her needs just as much as i love being a sadistic master who enjoys inflicting pain on his slaves and being worshiped by them and as a sub I love being cared for by a mommy Dom but also being used for my mistresses pleasure

if I put this on my profile though people either think that I don't know who I am yet or I'm going to flip from Dom to sub or vice versa during a meet/session/playtime or whatever but that's not the case for me I tend to match what my partner needs or desires from me but not because I'm just trying to please people but cuz I truly love all of what kink has to offer if that makes sense 

also I can go without being submissive long term so when it comes to long term relationships its a none issue this also goes for my dominant side as well 

here's the main issue though if I'm talking to a sub and they read my profile if it has all this in it I often getting a message saying they want a true Dom or true sub, master, daddy, babyboy, slave etc or that no thanks message and its driving me mental and its at the point where I'm just feed-up constantly trying to explain myself then having it thrown in my face and at the point of just ignoring my kinky side and just look for a vanilla relationship but that would truly be me not being myself and literally closeting myself off from who I am and that just feels very depressing to even think about.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for from this but any help would be really appreciated and your own experiences if you've also gone through this and how or if you got through it

[Deleted Member]

So you're a switch who can be either a sadistic daddy dom, or a slave/little.. That's the easiest way I know to define it.
Now my understanding is switches have a hard time being taken seriously one way or the other, as people think switches need both. Same issue as bisexuals, just in matters of D/s instead of orientation. It's even more confusing that some switches do actually enjoy switching within a fellow switch partner.
I can only see 3 solutions for this.
A- Make it very clear that that's not how it works, and you can in fact stay sub or Dom for the duration of the relationship without needing to switch sides.
B- Make two separate accounts, one for each aspect of you.
or
C- Find a switch partner.

Hope that helps

[ge****]

There's nothing wrong with being a switch in the slightest and if you are comfortable with who you are then that is all that matters really - however with that comes a responsibility to both respect and accept that you might not be what others are looking for and that applies whether you are dominant, submissive, switch or any other variant of person.
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Remember also that blindly messaging others and expecting to find someone compatible with you is possibly one of the most difficult routes going and will come with a lot of knock backs.
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Think of it this way - if you're walking down the street you maybe look at 10 people in 100 and find them attractive, so 10% - and applying that logic the other way round, maybe 10% of those will equally find you attractive, so you're already down to one person before you've even got to speak to them to find out more and see if you're both looking for the same things.
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It's no different on sites like this.
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So maybe adjust the way you think and how you approach the site - accept you won't be for everyone, and when someone says you're not for them, accept it graciously and don't take it as a negative.
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Ultimately be yourself, be true to who you are, be open, be honest and don't see a polite no thanks as "rejection" more that you're not compatible and the other person has saved you wasting your time finding that out for yourself.
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Find other ways to approach meeting people, use the chat rooms and forums, get along to local kink events and munches all of which are great ways to find likeminded people.
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Maybe seek out other switches who may be looking to similar to you, rather than seeking those who are one end or the other of the D/s spectrum and may as a result be asking the things you have experienced.

[ey****]

5 minutes ago, DLGeekSub said:

B- Make two separate accounts, one for each aspect of you.

Before I do a full response to the OP

the two accounts thing is against the TOU of this site.   It's also something a lot of prospective matches don't like when they find out. 

[ey****]

I won't say switches have it difficult, mostly because everyone has it difficult - but there are a couple of challenges often faced

That finding a partner who is also a switch, their brand of switciness has to kinda match yours.

That finding a partner who only is one or another they may feel that (a) it is inevitable one day you will pressure them to switch (b) they will be going into this relationship with you know that you'll never be completely satisfied.

There are different things you can kinda do.

One is, particularly if you feel you can be satisfied in one role long term decide which one you would prefer to do and seek relationships by those means.

Another is to see if any form of poly set up could work for you.

But another is also to just be totally honest about who you are - with the knowledge and acceptance that some people will not like this (but no matter who you are, some people will not like it) 

[ol****]

Most of what has been said is sensible.

Don't make 2 accounts, it is against rhe rules here and it is also just plain wrong.

Switch is a tough role. I'd also read about top and bottom roles. I had a brief but wonderful relationship with soneone who topped from the bottom. ( Trust me, it is a thing.) As has been said you need either to give up a role lean to your D or s side fully. Or You need to be in a poly group. 

[Deleted Member]

Apologies for the two accounts bit, I should have known better.

That said, you folks seem to underestimate the trouble of being in the middle ground when most are on one end or the other.

Edited February 6, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

so for me the poly setup just isn't for me as I'm monogamous once I find a partner and I like to pay all my attention to that partner whether they are Dom, sub or switch.

and as for finding another switch in a perfect world that would be amazing but unfortunately actually finding a switch who I am compatible with and I actually enjoy being with tends to be alot more difficult to find I'm still open to it but my hope are not high.

and as for picking the role I prefer I equally love both roles but saying that I can also feel completely satisfied in either role so picking one over the other it feel like an impossible decision 

having said that though my profile at the moment is based as a dominant profile but even with that there seems to be alot of confusion because I'm into being a caring Daddy Dom but also a sadistic Master so am I also meant to choose there as well it just feels like i have to ignore so many different parts of myself

so I've been trying to write this reply for a while and when I read it back it sounds like I'm contradicting myself but I don't know how to put it into words properly so yes i can be completely satisfied in both roles but for my profile it feels so wrong not putting every side of who I am as a person if that makes sense i hope it does

34 minutes ago, DLGeekSub said:

Apologies for the two accounts bit, I should have known better.

That said, you folks seem to underestimate the trouble of being in the middle ground when most are on one end or the other.

DLGeekSub hell yes mate exactly and those two ends kind of understand each other but don't really get the middle ground in my opinion

 

I do really appreciate all your comments but for me being told I should show myself as either Dom or sub is like telling a gay person to get back into the closet I want to show every part of who I am as a person even if ultimately I end up being the dominant or submissive in a relationship

Edited February 6, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Ultimately be yourself, be true to who you are, be open, be honest and don't see a polite no thanks as "rejection" more that you're not compatible and the other person has saved you wasting your time finding that out for yourself.

honestly the no thanks messages I actually appreciate its better than ghosting its more the messages telling me to figure out who I am to pretty much choose a role and stick with it that piss me off

[ey****]

39 minutes ago, DLGeekSub said:

That said, you folks seem to underestimate the trouble of being in the middle ground when most are on one end or the other.

So. For me, I switch and so have had my own successes and struggles over time and also seen some of the traps other switches fall into.

There is, of course, the problem that what works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone else.     

One problem I've struggled to overcome a little is that people assume I'm submissive - and some struggle to then see me as Dominant due to their polar view.  That's fine. Whatever I was like I wouldn't appeal to everyone.  

There are very few people I actually switch with - I think it's been, like, 2 people ever - everyone else is one or the other and so I approach and treat them in that role.  

But the challenge exists - if you focus on one person who fulfils only part of your wants : can they be enough?  What can you do to assure them they will be enough, and always be enough, or what can you do to fulfil other wants?

Because if someone is happy with someone who is 100% sub, what happens then if they were to meet someone who would switch with them? 

[ol****]

@CheshireLad You do have a problem. Lets just consider your D aspirations for a moment. You wish to be Dd so a lg sub looks at your profile, sees a mention of Sadistic Master and probably moves on. A masochist sub looks at your profile sees mention of Dd and probably thinks you are too soft for them.

A further broader consideration is you could come across as being willing to do anything to get some sex. As if that was not bad enough you might just come across as a roleplayer. As I said you should spend time understanding the roles of top and bottom you might find that this is you and allow you to interact better. 

At the end of the day I think @eyemblacksheep has indicated you are on a difficult path.

[Deleted Member]

45 minutes ago, oldfellow said:

@CheshireLad You do have a problem. Lets just consider your D aspirations for a moment. You wish to be Dd so a lg sub looks at your profile, sees a mention of Sadistic Master and probably moves on. A masochist sub looks at your profile sees mention of Dd and probably thinks you are too soft for them.

yea and that just my Dom side now take into consideration that its the same issue with my sub side and then consider that all of that together makes up me as a switch and i get how confusing and how contradictory all of it sounds but no one seems to get that you will get the side of me that most likely will compliment you as a sub or Dom and most of the sub categories 

I honestly don't know how to put it into words so that people understand who I am and I'm done with this I'm literally getting such a migraine just trying to figure out how to explain myself over and over and I'm right back where I started from 9 hours ago where i still don't know how the hell I'm ever meant to explain who I am or if anyone would even understand my profile if I did so basically I'm fucked 

so my profile will now just say this "Alright so I'm a switch" because its the least confusing way to explain who I am

might even leave a link to this forum and someone might be able to understand me

[ol****]

@CheshireLad Have a care, you could still end up just sounding needy. 

Like " l'll be whatever you want me to be".

Good Luck.

[ey****]

I think that's another kinda problem switches sometimes have.  Getting the boundaries between being flexible, and liking different things that means things would work.... and seeming like you/we are just after anything we can get.

I find when you see on profiles "I'm a Dom, but would sub for the right person" that it often screams "out for anything" 

[RaymondWise]

The people who say that they aren't a match for you, probably aren't a match and they've self-filtered  out of the running.  I  have had more success meeting people socially. Some will have chemistry/attraction/etc. for me, and then decide if what I offer is worth looking into.  

With covid the face-to-face encounters are harder, but hopefully that changes soon enough.

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think that's another kinda problem switches sometimes have.  Getting the boundaries between being flexible, and liking different things that means things would work.... and seeming like you/we are just after anything we can get.

I find when you see on profiles "I'm a Dom, but would sub for the right person" that it often screams "out for anything" 

I get that and trust me I know that it sound like I just want anything that's not the case I want a connection it cant just be about the sex and I don't just want anyone and that will do, they would have to be special to me its that connection that makes me be able to feel completely satisfied with just being a Dom or just being a sub and also to be clear I'm not willing to do absolutely anything for anyone I have a fair few hard limits which I wont do for anyone end off

Edited February 6, 2022 by Deleted Member

[da****]

So ur a switch and ur Dom side has many different sides such as being a master, being a daddy Dom etc. Then ur sub side is u being a boy and a slave. I completely get how being a switch can make people confused especially when ur basically saying ‘if someone who is 100% sub wanted a Dom u would fit being a Dom for a long time thing’ I think that’s the best people get confused about coz usually most switches have days where they feel more Dom or more sub and if they can’t be a Dom and u switch to a sub they won’t feel comfortable being around that hence why many people probably have decided to not chosen to get to know u. U need to be aware that if people don’t understand it’s not their fault as it can be totally new to people and yes having to explain urself is annoying but this is a lifestyle u want to go into so u having to explain is what comes with the lifestyle. Hope this all makes sense

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, RaymondWise said:

The people who say that they aren't a match for you, probably aren't a match and they've self-filtered  out of the running.  I  have had more success meeting people socially. Some will have chemistry/attraction/etc. for me, and then decide if what I offer is worth looking into.  

With covid the face-to-face encounters are harder, but hopefully that changes soon enough.

honestly the whole covid thing completely screwed me in the kink dating space its the only reason I'm dating online now but I do struggle with it I find it so easy to date face to face but putting my word into text its like I'm trying to explain myself in a foreign language 

[Wo****]

7 minutes ago, CheshireLad said:

I get that and trust me I know that it sound like I just want anything that's not the case I want a connection it cant just be about the sex and I don't just want anyone and that will do, they would have to be special to me its that connection that makes me be able to feel completely satisfied with just being a Dom or just being a sub and also to be clear I'm not willing to do absolutely anything for anyone I have a fair few hard limits which I wont do for anyone end off

Don't lose hope... it IS possible to find a match. I did with my dear Fen (@Boldbald) 

We are both switches, we switch with each other and others. I do think being poly helps with this but that said I've personally found everything I want/need/desire with Fen. 

 

Just carry on being radically honest. Fellow switches are out there x

2 minutes ago, darlingitsyou said:

So ur a switch and ur Dom side has many different sides such as being a master, being a daddy Dom etc. Then ur sub side is u being a boy and a slave. I completely get how being a switch can make people confused especially when ur basically saying ‘if someone who is 100% sub wanted a Dom u would fit being a Dom for a long time thing’ I think that’s the best people get confused about coz usually most switches have days where they feel more Dom or more sub and if they can’t be a Dom and u switch to a sub they won’t feel comfortable being around that hence why many people probably have decided to not chosen to get to know u. U need to be aware that if people don’t understand it’s not their fault as it can be totally new to people and yes having to explain urself is annoying but this is a lifestyle u want to go into so u having to explain is what comes with the lifestyle. Hope this all makes sense

For me my switch just means I can be either dominant or submissive. I love both.... 

With Fen, we switch, sometimes during play. With Willow75 I'm dominant. I'd submit to the right people.

 

Being a switch, for me, doesnt mean I have to switch, I'm happy in either role. 

If you love chocolate AND  strawberry ice cream but you only have chocolate, do you miss the strawberry or appreciate you have chocolate?

[Deleted Member]

@BountyHunter i wish i had thought of that chocolate and strawberry ice cream analogy cuz that kind of explains it perfectly also its good to hear there's hope for switches and I'm happy you found your Fen

[Deleted Member]

Hi all I just wanted to say thank you for all your help today and I've changed my profile again alot of it is stuff I put on here and I'm pretty sure alot of people are still not gonna understand me but I feel like its alot more true to who I am as a switch 

if you would like to give me any more feedback about my profile I would still appreciate it but otherwise, thanks so much you've all been amazing.

[ge****]

30 minutes ago, CheshireLad said:

Hi all I just wanted to say thank you for all your help today and I've changed my profile again alot of it is stuff I put on here and I'm pretty sure alot of people are still not gonna understand me but I feel like its alot more true to who I am as a switch 

if you would like to give me any more feedback about my profile I would still appreciate it but otherwise, thanks so much you've all been amazing.

Being totally honest it reads like you're trying to fit whatever comes your way, rather than being true to yourself and what you are actually looking for - now I'm not saying that is what you are consciously doing, you've made it clear that you're not - but that is how it reads.
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In fact I'd go so far as to venture you spend more time explaining yourself than selling yourself, almost like you're trying to persuade people how genuine you are, and in doing so you come across as being willing to fit a square peg into a round hole if a round hole should venture along.
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I mean all of that constructively and not as a direct criticism, and if I'm reading it that way, you can bet your life others will too.
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If I were you I'd start from scratch again, explain that you're a switch, and that you're adaptable, and open to meeting people who are either switch themselves, dominant or submissive, but leave it at that you don't need to explain in great detail that you can be a Dominant Daddy or a Strict Master etc, you can get into that level of detail on an individual basis with people that you speak to and connect with.
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Make it clear that connection and compatibility are important factors for you.
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Fact of the matter is the overwhelming majority of people you won't have that level of connection and compatibility with, and you have to accept that and don't need to explain yourself and what you are/want to them - focus on those that you do have it with rather than trying to explain to and/or persuade those that you don't.

[Wo****]

2 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Being totally honest it reads like you're trying to fit whatever comes your way, rather than being true to yourself and what you are actually looking for - now I'm not saying that is what you are consciously doing, you've made it clear that you're not - but that is how it reads.
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In fact I'd go so far as to venture you spend more time explaining yourself than selling yourself, almost like you're trying to persuade people how genuine you are, and in doing so you come across as being willing to fit a square peg into a round hole if a round hole should venture along.
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I mean all of that constructively and not as a direct criticism, and if I'm reading it that way, you can bet your life others will too.
.
If I were you I'd start from scratch again, explain that you're a switch, and that you're adaptable, and open to meeting people who are either switch themselves, dominant or submissive, but leave it at that you don't need to explain in great detail that you can be a Dominant Daddy or a Strict Master etc, you can get into that level of detail on an individual basis with people that you speak to and connect with.
.
Make it clear that connection and compatibility are important factors for you.
.
Fact of the matter is the overwhelming majority of people you won't have that level of connection and compatibility with, and you have to accept that and don't need to explain yourself and what you are/want to them - focus on those that you do have it with rather than trying to explain to and/or persuade those that you don't.

I respectfully disagree...

Especially your last paragraph. I've been on here for about three years now and met a few people that I've had a deep connection with.

[Deleted Member]

Honestly you are lucky, you are at the start of things and can decide with a lot more knowledge and openess now, you just need to be happy and do what you need as thats what matters

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Being totally honest it reads like you're trying to fit whatever comes your way, rather than being true to yourself and what you are actually looking for - now I'm not saying that is what you are consciously doing, you've made it clear that you're not - but that is how it reads.
.
In fact I'd go so far as to venture you spend more time explaining yourself than selling yourself, almost like you're trying to persuade people how genuine you are, and in doing so you come across as being willing to fit a square peg into a round hole if a round hole should venture along.
.
I mean all of that constructively and not as a direct criticism, and if I'm reading it that way, you can bet your life others will too.
.
If I were you I'd start from scratch again, explain that you're a switch, and that you're adaptable, and open to meeting people who are either switch themselves, dominant or submissive, but leave it at that you don't need to explain in great detail that you can be a Dominant Daddy or a Strict Master etc, you can get into that level of detail on an individual basis with people that you speak to and connect with.
.
Make it clear that connection and compatibility are important factors for you.
.
Fact of the matter is the overwhelming majority of people you won't have that level of connection and compatibility with, and you have to accept that and don't need to explain yourself and what you are/want to them - focus on those that you do have it with rather than trying to explain to and/or persuade those that you don't.

thank you I think your probably right about putting to much detail in