Tips for a sub leaning switch

[Deleted Member]

Hi! 

This is my first time posting here so please be kind 😊 I will try to articulate myself as best as I can. 

 

I am a sub leaning switch, my partner is a dom leaning switch (in our dynamic). There are times when I reaaaally want to top them, but I lack the confidence. 

I find myself being more of a soft dom, simply because I have virtually no experience in being a dom. All my previous relationships have either been vanilla or I've been the sub. I'm really looking to broaden my horizons and explore my dominant side more thoroughly. 

I find researching things beforehand can help with my confidence, so please drop any resources that have helped you in the past & give me any advice you can on helping me build my confidence. 

 

Ps, my partner and I communicate very well and I know what they like/dislike and all of their limits etc. They know I'm working on my confidence as a dom/top too 😊

[Ar****]

Just tell them that you are in control for one scene and try it. Doing it again and again is the best confidence builder. Well that and when you see how much fun your partner is having.

[Matttster]

I was going to say just do what feels natural, you can’t do anything wrong. But that is not 100% accurate. Regarding the mental aspect of Topping him, just do it. If the two of you communicate well, just try things and see what works. It will either work or you can discuss what did not work and possible laugh about it. Then try again another time. In my opinion, no matter how experienced a Top may be, communicating after a session can be helpful and insightful.

Now when it comes to the physical aspect, that is where you can do something wrong. If you are going to use rope, or candles, or do impact play, or breath play or a many number of things, you need to research enough to make sure you are doing it safely. In all honesty, I would encourage bottoms/subs to know enough about what their Top is doing to make sure that it is being done safely.

[Mo****]

First up LavendarStorm, I hate the term soft dom. You are either dominant or your not. A true dominant learns about their prospective partner and tailors activities towards the interests, kinks and limits of the sub. This is not being soft, this is being true. A pretender can and will use that soft dom title, but without the knowledge of what is actually required in the dynamic.

So you are in a relationship with a switch, that's fine, and you want to try your hand at being dominant. That is also fine, because as an individual, you need to grow as a person, and if in a relationship, you need to grow as a couple, and through that growth, aspects of your character will change. So you are at a point where you need to be nurtured and guided towards what you want to try. If you have discussed this with your partner, have they offered to help you through roleplay? Because you have 2 differing aspects to combat at a personal level, one being the confidence factor, and the other being the knowledge/experience factor. WE all started somewhere and had to figure things out as we went, and you will be no different, What I went through to get to where I am now may very well not work for you, so I am going to address one point only. Research the kink aspects and learn about them from various perspectives. You would do the same thing if learning to drive a heavy vehicle, or medicine or law, so do the same here. The more you know, the more confident you will become with various activities. Remember a heavy vehicle driver started out with a car licence in order to gain driving knowledge, then they had to learn about placing and restraining loads, what weight limits are allowed over each axle, and how that vehicle maneuvers around corners and when reversing. You are in the same boat with kink. You need to understand as well, that to be dominant, a proper dominant, you need to be inside the head of your prospective sub, you need to understand their moods and emotions, you need to understand their desires, just as a dominant needs to understand YOU, in order to give you contentment and satisfaction. When you think you have gotten inside the head of your prospective sub, and you have done the research, pick a point in time, and claim your partner without them expecting it from you. Be ***ful and abrupt, and don't give them time to think about what it is your wanting from them. They will do it. Now all of this will only work in a situation like you have with your current partner. It will not work with a new partner, because they will be expecting you to use your experience with them.

I hope I have made sense of the situation for you. If there is anything that you would like clarified or explained further, please message me. I wish you well with your growth.

[xTx_or_Sir_John]

Personally i think your experience as a sub will help you learn to be a good Dom. Topping is different to Domming, different emotions can be involved but go with them. It sounds like you'd both enjoy it. Love x T x T x

[Ki****]

I'd say communicate what you and your partner would like to do during the scene. You could try to somewhat script it out so that you know what to do.
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If you want to try and replicate a scene that he's done to you, then communicate that with him and make sure he's cool with it. My only experience with switching so far has led to people just copying what I did to them without communicating that beforehand. At best it was a little disappointing, at worst it was basically an insult to my intelligence as they copy my homework and hand it back to me.
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Ultimately, get stuck in ;) resources like forums and blogs will be great for you. But I think doing with someone like your partner in particular, will help boost your confidence, regardless of the outcome of the scene.

[BadDesires]

Nothing wrong with a soft slow approach and you can always use your partner for your inspiration.

You can ask them how they intend to please you? Then take there suggestions and put your own twist on them based on both of your kinks.

For example if they offer to get you a drink, suggest they can only crawl on the floor, maybe they can only do it naked or blindfolded.

If they want to touch your body limit them to only using there lips. You can bind there hands together if you both enjoy a little bondage.

If you can build up a few scenarios I'm sure you will feel more confident moving forward.

If you have ideas your not sure about you can also bring them up in a non ***ful way.

Ask them how they would feel exploring the idea or tell them an idea that would make you happy, then ask them if they can make you happy. If you sense them feeling really uncomfortable shelve the conversation if you don't want to spoil the mood, they may be more open to it after giving it a few days to sink in. Otherwise they could be so excited about you opening up and knowing something which pleases you they will be more than happy to explore.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for your responses so far, they are definitely helpful. 

Just to add, we are both adhd and autistic so sometimes it's hard for us to articulate situations. We've worked hard on our communication and have found that we have to be very literal with each other. 

I think my main struggle is, they are so much more experienced in being a dom than I am. That and my body confidence isn't exactly great (but that's a me problem and I'm working on it). 

I am going to speak to them on Tuesday when I next see them and discuss what scenes they would like to try & then research some more before actually trying them.