“Everything is so Transactional”

[Ch****]

Hello everyone, I would like to share a few things that has been on my mind regarding the “kink” world.

Shall we begin?

Outside of being a “kinkster”, I’m a sexologist. I have noticed a complaint from submissive men regarding “FinDoms-FemDoms-ProDommes” This is what we speak on in their therapy sessions.

“I’m so sick of these relationships seeming transactional, all they want is *** *** ***"

I hear you, however I implore you to think about how you are approaching the Doms you seek. I noticed that subs believe all doms receive the same level of "euphoria" with dominating as they do to benign dominated. I am here to tell you that is not the case. Are there Dominant women who don't want any *** from you? Absolutely however they will require you invest in another way.

If you are coming to her to FULFILL YOUR desires without the thought of fulfilling HERS, you are now a CLIENT asking for a SERVICE. Does this make sense?

Ask yourself
"Do I want an INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with someone who is as explorative as me OR do I want someone to PLAY a ROLE. That is very important, in ALL scenarios you WILL invest (whatever you all agree to) as she is in you.

I have not had this issue simply because any and every SLAVE of mine feels THANKFUL to see me happy, they adore fulfilling all requests all to see me smile. I'm thankful for that.

Yes, there are "Doms" who are just like "give me your *** because....well isn't this how that works?" Lol and that may work for them however if that's not what you're interested in, don't complain. Keep seeking. I am someone who enjoys solutions, not dwelling in problems.

I thought I'd share this with you, my slave found it very helpful. Hopefully you will too.

[Deleted Member]

There are many of such profiles out there of QUEENS, looking for a ***slave. I believe that those type of women/girls are only interested in ***, and do it this way in order to be fine with their conscious to not see them selves as a prostitute. But that’s just my personal opinion.

[Sp****]

If they want *** then they are gold diggers and you kings can do better than a girl who is gonna use you for your *** because that’s exactly what that is

[Deleted Member]

This isn't grounded in any form of reality.

You've glossed over the tendency for findommes to take *** and then block/ghost the victim.

You've also missed another really common situation where the findomme will not state that's their approach and lead what is probably a lonely guy down a path of sending beyond their means but in a stealthy manner.

I have no issue if there are clear terms and everyone consents. But 70% of the time this just isn't the case. I think you could have done better here.

[Le****]

Right on the ***

[ey****]

I think the problem with these posts is that people deliberately read between the lines to misinterpret what is said.

I'd say rather that - all relationships are an investment.   And when people see stuff like 'transactional' and 'investment' they think "***" and that is not necessarily the case.  The words just feel cold to them.

---

Like relationships, play, whatever, in any capacity don't just happen.

They usually involve an effort on both people's part - and that ties in with the above.

--

I think the problem and something we never get away from ties in with the point.   There are a lot of, particularly sub guys, that feel assorted euphoria that they project onto others.

That they have seen someone they find attractive who seemingly has overlaps in fetish interests makes them automatically assume that reaching out to someone will make them feel that excitement "Hey, I'm into xxxx and your profile says you are - let's meet up" and assuming that the person will be excited by the advances of a random stranger.

It lacks the idea of needing time, effort, etc. in most cases - that the other person would enjoy doing said fetish, but no evidence they'd enjoy spending time with the person who contacted them.

This is why most the responses they get back, on whatever site, are only ever "sure, pay me" 

 

[Mi****]

Love this. It totally makes sense. It’s about give and take and if not then you are absolutely right, they are just asking for a service.

[Deleted Member]

Now, while I can understand that you need a sub that's as into the dynamic as you are. I think you're kinda missing the point these men are making. To be frank, male doms wouldn't get away with this shit. If I'd have made this post I'd have been crucified by now. How many times do you see women complaining about 'fake doms' that just don't get their needs , or are too selfish or don't know how to handle a brat or basically are just trying to do the things that he likes without thinking about her. The answer to those posts is not to 'be thankful' to your doms, because they do not get the same euphoria out of this you do, so reallg they're doing your a favour and you should be satisfying their needs. And it shouldn't be, cuz doms, all doms, are getting kicks from dominating, else why the fuck are you doing it. Subs don't owe doms anything, we're all here to enjoy ourselves. If your relationship is feeling too transactional, bring it up with your dom, if they can't change, leave, and you have a right to complain about it. It doesn't matter what gender you are, you shouldn't feel like you have to sit down and shut up to enjoy kink.

That's what the gags are for.

[Deleted Member]

Ya seriously, *** is not needed to dominate someone. I really do think this helpful. To me there are just so many findoms on here it’s hard to find other doms. (No judgement towards findoms, just my opinion)

[Deleted Member]

You own my heart now

[BadDesires]

All relationships are built on a subtle exchange. Be it love, affection, support etc. Connection is always strongest when everyones needs are fullfilled. Struggles and breakdowns occur when someone isn't.
Sometimes the exchange can be financial, nothing wrong with this although the problem here is usually both sides end up wanting more than the other side is willing to give. This seems to lead to frustration and negativity on both sides.

[Co****]

I want you to imagine I tell you to pay me *** to make me happy. Obviously this isn't a sexual thing. It's just a greed thing. Men have been taught to make *** and spend it on some commodity. It's obvious to me that these men who spend *** on women are dissatisfied with the failure of the commodity they waste their *** on.

[Bg****]

Love this!❤

[Du****]

If these men want more than prossies or adult workers, then have to learn how to get a woman! They are in thwir 40's even pushing 50's yet still didnt figure out how to build relationship, how to speak to women, how to be emotionally *** and open. Relationship is not about looks, ***, fame. Stop posting silly immature photos with wanna be ***ager again looks, accept your age, put on recent photo, have a sense of humour, make woman laugh, show interest in her personality, value her emotions, listen, thats the only way how you will find quality woman.

[zi****]

I think it's fair to complain about something so personal and intimate being devalued into a purely material exchange. If the subs that complained were looking for femdom and only got findom out of it, then they didn't get what they paid for, BUT on the other hand, *** and value WERE invented because a man wanted something from a woman that he didn't have and could never have, just borrow really. Time is ***, so you pay for time, it's that simple. These complainers should have been more communicative before exchanging ***, but coming from someone who only enjoys findom with an actual lover and partner, some of these dominas do overplay the financial aspect. I'd pay twice as much for a domme that knows finance isn't the only form of power and control.

[ey****]

there's a few bits I've said before and I know people will take their own interpretations anyway - but

1) There's an old joke that there is no man will say 'I love you' faster than someone who needs somewhere to stay!

And it's true, men trying to push themselves to live with partners (maybe their mothers are sick of their s**t or their flatshare is coming to an end) usually with a hope of contributing little to the running of the household (running of the household being both putting the *** into bills and groceries and stuff - and - also doing stuff like housework)

2) All relationships actually cost ***

Tying in with point 1 that to realistically be in a relationship with someone is going to come with costs based on each others expectancies 

3) In any situation the question is "what does the other person get out of this?"

In some cases - that is paid.  That doesn't mean they don't enjoy anything (I mean, footballers probably enjoy playing football but wouldn't do it for free.).

But there's worlds of difference.  Any of us could go to a fetish event and end up doing play with someone - and that is more likely if it's someone we know - then what each other is getting out of it is "playing with a friend" 

Anyone we are in a relationship with, this is something which relies work from both parties to maintain.

4) Men have unrealistic expectations of Femdom

This is the kinda tea that many don't expect.   

Folk will go to a munch and expect to go home to someone with a fetish wardrobe, home dungeon and lots of toys.   Some people have those things - but - the purchase and maintenance of these is expensive.  

There is a lady I know who does have this and she gets frustrated because men who find out about that will then bug her to play with them.  She has spent thousands of her own *** building stuff and now strangers she barely knows want full use of it - despite having contributed to her life in no way (contributed doesn't necessarily mean paid.  Being someone's friend can be a contribution - but being someone's friend would also respect this) 

But there are plenty of Dominant women who do not have this, or access to this, and then guys will call them 'fake' because they don't meet their unrealistic expectation.

[Du****]

These women are clever they know how most of these men are so they cash them out why not? Nobody is forcing them to go to professional. Entitled men or women are disguisting creatures noone likes them.

[Deleted Member]

There is a fine line between a Real male sub complaining, or horny men pretending to be Subs and complaining. Recently, I came across horny men pretending to be subs!

[ey****]

2 hours ago, kiseu said:

There is a fine line between a Real male sub complaining, or horny men pretending to be Subs and complaining. Recently, I came across horny men pretending to be subs!

I tend not to like connentiations around the word 'real' 

But, I think.  

If we are to talk about finances then there is of course the understanding.    If you can understand and respect why those who wish for some form of payment for their time do so, even if someone themselves does not wish to pay it, then you have a better time.

Because among anything else - if a conversation goes "I'd love to play with you sometime", "Sure, but it'll cost ya" - ok - that is the person's boundary.  I might probably then politely decline - but respecting boundaries is a big part of kink

(sure, there are scammers and they are annoying - and there are people who are new to kink hopeful of making some *** to stumble their way through the cost of living and they might not be able to provide the best of experiences)

Equally "I will play with you but no sex", "I will play with you but you don't see me naked" and "I will play with you but you must wear a condom if we have sex" are all boundaries too which might be deal breakers for some people.   

[Deleted Member]

@eyeblacksheep... so, shall I call them Scammers? With my recent experiences they contribute to complaining, because they cannot get it easy... free.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, kiseu said:

@eyeblacksheep... so, shall I call them Scammers? With my recent experiences they contribute to complaining, because they cannot get it easy... free.

to a degree I'm not sure the right word.   I think there are a lot of guys who might describe themselves as submissive - but it's submission on their terms.  That they might like the idea of female domination or female supremacy - but only within role play rather than having overall concern

 

Some people call them "Do Me" or "Pick me" subs - because they just usually give a list of what they'll do (or the polar, "I'll do anything") about what they feel Dominants should do to them.  

[Deleted Member]

Thank you very much for this. I have been think about this alot recently. Although don't you think it is a little much when a dominant woman asks for a "trubute" three to five sentences after introduction?

[ey****]

3 hours ago, sissydebby said:

 Although don't you think it is a little much when a dominant woman asks for a "trubute" three to five sentences after introduction?

it depends on the context

I mean, of course a lot of the people who ask for a tribute may well be running some form of scam (and are, statistically, not usually women behind them - and most certainly a catfish account)

It also depends on who contacted who - if someone contacts you and then quickly asks for a tribute it's almost certainly a scam.
 

But, especially out in the wild, if you contact someone who is a Pro - they might ask for a tribute quickly - as a boundary that they aint chatting for free and, ironically, a form of asserting Dominance.  But this is more contextual by the amount of people who message Pros "for a chat" something which wouldn't be tolerated in any other profession (like, you wouldn't walk into a bar or restaurant and chat to the staff without buying food or a drink) 

[Deleted Member]

So what is the best way to ensure it's legit? I mean like if I start a chat with a new domme, and this domme asks for tribute, how do I ask for proof without being rude? For example if I ask for a picture holding 2 fingers up, isn't that the same thing as asking for a product with no guarantee of payment? How should I go about it?

[ey****]

8 hours ago, sissydebby said:

So what is the best way to ensure it's legit? I mean like if I start a chat with a new domme, and this domme asks for tribute, how do I ask for proof without being rude? For example if I ask for a picture holding 2 fingers up, isn't that the same thing as asking for a product with no guarantee of payment? How should I go about it?

The first thing is to ask yourself if this is a route you want to even go down.    You can politely end the conversation at this point, "Sorry, didn't realise you required a tribute - this isn't a route I want to go down" 

If this is a route you want to go down.  I probably wouldn't go down it via any form of dating site - it's not difficult to seek out people who are already verified - the cam, clip and subscription sites all require the ladies on there to verify using government ID - so - a bigger chance they are who they say and a quick flick of posts and content can give an idea of their activity, what they're into, so on.

One of the things scammers have been doing in recent years is to initiate talk with ladies and then at some point be a little "you can't be too careful, could you do a verification pose for me" and the ladies have done this and the scammers have then used this photo to try to verify elsewhere - I would in general ask ladies NOT to do verification poses because it could often be that they are the mark and that women should be suspicious of people asking them to verify, especially if that person contacted them.

I think however if you do start talking to someone and they raise a tribute and this isn't something you would automatically rule out - it's a good time to probably look at them.  Is the profile new? Can you reverse image search their profile picture? Is there actually any reasonable chance this person could give you what they say?   

Remember it would never be a one-off payment.