An Introduction to BDSM - Arch Style

[Ri****]

Thank you for this excellent guidance i will certainly be using this as i explore this world

[Du****]

New but curious

[foxxi33]

This was very helpful. For someone new to this world. Love it, thank you 😊

[Veronika77]

Ty for sharing

[GgJeSs]

Thanks for this! Quick but very informative read and great for someone who is new and curious ☺️

[Lovely1300]

Ok

[Deleted Member]

Relatively new to this, thanks. Thanks pretty helpful. Now looking for someone to explore my curiosity

[Pl****]

Thanks

[se****]

Ok thanks

[pl****]

As a newbie this is invaluable information so thank you for this . Now to try and find someone to explore with .

[4R****]

11 hours ago, playfuldreamer said:

As a newbie this is invaluable information so thank you for this . Now to try and find someone to explore with .

Welcome to the community and thank you for your kind words. 

[Ki****]

Very good read it was very informative. Had a lot of good points and was easy to understand and read, especially with someone with a reading comprehension problem, which is me.

[Ki****]

Informative ty

[Th****]

What a good insight thank you

[Switch63]

Love this so informative

[wa****]

Thank you I can't wait to learn more

[NINAAWILD]

Wow, this is such a thoughtful and detailed post! 🌒 I love how you broke down the misconceptions about BDSM, especially the part about Fifty Shades of Grey—it’s wild how much media skews the reality of such a complex lifestyle. It’s honestly refreshing to see someone talk about the values of respect and consent in this way. Also, the way you’ve tied it into your daily life and parenting? 👏🏽 Like, that balance between being a normal person and embracing your lifestyle is inspiring. Thanks for sharing this—it’s eye-opening and honestly made me think differently about it all. .°✧

[Be****]

I loved your topic. Thank you

[Wo****]

This is the best article I’ve read. Thank you for the information.

[Submissive_summer]

💯

[Bu****]

I wanna try!!

[ts****]

Mmmm perfect

[ra****]

🥵🥵🥵😍😍

[mauriebaby]

On 4/12/2022 at 10:09 PM, 4RCH said:

Since the dawn of time, people have looked for ways to ‘spice up’ their sex lives but within recent years following the release of certain books and films, BDSM has become a subject of discussion for many people. Some polls suggest that as many as 85% of couples have entertained restraining their partner (or being restrained) at some stage in their relationship. Although I believe that's a conservative estimate and the reality is probably more because being kinky in the bedroom is far more common than society would have you believe and BDSM just takes that kinkiness to a whole new level. 

 

There are many TV shows talking about sex and kink these days showing that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality and that you're not 'weird' for having an interest in discovering what’s out there and in turn discovering who you are. Whilst I don’t go around shouting from the rooftops that I’m a Dom, I don’t hide the truth if I’m asked, because I’m comfortable with who (and what) I am. There are many fantastic sources of information and I encourage you to keep exploring, reading, and learning all you can to discover what this beautiful, amazing lifestyle is all about. 

 

In what follows I've tried to give an insight into what, in my opinion, are some of the basics and bust some of the myths surrounding BDSM. I’m by no means an authority on the subject, even with many years of experience I don’t know everything, and I never will. In addition, my way might not necessarily be the way you decide to practice as everyone does things differently. But what I can do is give you an overview of what BDSM is to me and share some of the things I've learned over the years. 

 

BDSM, 'Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Submission (or Sadism) and Masochism', is a lifestyle choice of varying degrees ranging from those that play infrequently to spice up their sex lives to those who live the lifestyle all day, every day. And, of course, there are many combinations in between. There are those who play only in private, whilst there are others who love to play publicly (within the confines of an event or a club).

 

One thing to remember is that BDSM is not simply just kinky sex! In fact, BDSM isn't really about sex at all, it can incorporate sex, but to many, sex isn't the main driver. BDSM is a lifestyle choice, and it plays a part in many aspects of our lives. To those that live the lifestyle, there is a code of ethics that we adhere to regarding acceptable behaviour, being respectful of others, having integrity and sharing knowledge.

 

Whilst I try to bring BDSM into every aspect of my life, because of the ‘taboo’ nature of BDSM, the fact that I have *** and because of the job I do, I can’t just go around introducing myself as Master Arch. The ‘toys’ can only come out in private (or at the club) and so instead I use my BDSM beliefs subtly in everyday life to teach respect of all people regardless of race, colour, creed, or sexuality. To have tolerance when other people's beliefs differ to my own. To discuss things in a respectful manner rather than simply argue or fight where there is a disagreement. 

 

I teach my son to respect the people whose care he is in. To learn from those who are willing to teach him but also to respectfully question those things that he doesn't understand or things that seem wrong or go against the values that I teach. Now all that sounds like any other normal parent bringing up their child, right? Well, it should do because that's exactly what I am. A normal bloke bringing up well behaved, respectful child. Of course, he knows nothing about the BDSM lifestyle as such, he simply knows that his dad is a very fair-minded man who has all the time in the world for him, is consistent, keeps promises, never loses his temper but will explain if he's done something wrong, won’t stand for disrespect, will always help if asked, is fun to be with and will celebrate successes. 

 

I'm a naturally dominant person and, whilst very few people at work know about my lifestyle, I can incorporate the same values as I do in my personal life. Of course, as an employee I must do my employers bidding and be accountable for my work. I have a line manager and I must do what they want, but my manager has told me that whilst she can simply 'tell' others what they need to do, she doesn't feel she can do that with me and instead makes a point of asking me rather than telling. She says she can't quite put her finger on exactly why she feels that way…… But I'm sure you can guess!

 

Unfortunately, the way BDSM is depicted in film, TV, and books is misleading. Fifty Shades of Grey is a prime example of this, and it has received a large amount of backlash from the BDSM community because the storyline is very much that of an abusive relationship. He stalks her, controls her without consent and if you take away the millionaire lifestyle, the story looks very different. Porn also has a lot to answer for, you know the type, someone goes to see miss whiplash in her dungeon or you see someone tied up for days on end and used as a toy. It's all kinky rough sex and seems very hard core. 

 

Not all people that practice BDSM are leather clad, crop carrying, kinksters, nor do all Dominants have fast cars, private planes and live in penthouses with armed security. It’s all just fantasy to sell books and movies but it has led to a lot of misconceptions about BDSM that can lead people to get a very wrong impression of the lifestyle. 

 

And so, what follows is hopefully going to show you the subtle (and not so subtle) differences whilst giving some general information about what BDSM is (and isn’t) and a bit of advice to help those that are just starting out……. 

 

Consent is the Key

This must be the most important rule within the BDSM community. You MUST have consent before you do anything, and others MUST have your consent before they do anything to you. Regardless of whether you want to pick up someone's flogger, play with someone (or have them play with you), touch someone (even if it's a hug) or even enter someone else’s play space to watch their scene, you must ask and get permission first. And it's important that that permission is F.R.I.E.S. 

• Freely given. Doing something with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, ***, manipulation, or while drunk or high.
• Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if you’ve done it before or are in the middle of doing it. That’s what Safe Words are for. 
• Informed. Be open and honest about what you intend to do and the possible consequences.
• Enthusiastic.  If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent.
• Specific. Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to anything else.

If you do something without consent then you will quickly find yourself in a lot of trouble, and possibly in jail.

 

Learn to Say No!

Not consenting to something is not the same as saying No. Many people will tolerate inappropriate behaviour simply because they don’t want to appear rude. The recipient has not consented but at the same time they have not said No either, instead they've simply ignored the poor behaviour, and this can be misinterpreted as consenting. So, remember it’s important that if you are being made to feel uncomfortable for any reason by any person, you should make it known to that person that you want them to stop. Only ever consent to things you are comfortable with and never give in to pressure to consent to more. You should not be pressured into this or ridiculed for not submitting. If what you're being asked to do doesn't sit right with you then don't agree to do it.

 

Knowing the main roles is important

You will hear many people identify or describe their role using lots of different names. On the Dominant side of the slash, you will come across Dominants, Masters, Mistresses, Daddies, Mommies, Care Givers, Sadists, Primal Predators, and the like. Whereas on the submissive side you will find submissive, slaves, littles, masochists, primal prey, and the like. These are all archetypes of the main roles and there are many more. For ease, all you need to understand for now are the following:

• Dominant - A male (Dom) or Female (Domme) - The dominant person in a dynamic
• Submissive - Gender Neutral - The submissive person in a dynamic
• Switch - Gender Neutral - Someone who swaps between being Dominant or submissive
• Top - Gender Neutral - The person in control / dominating in a scene.
• Bottom - Gender Neutral - The person submitting in a scene/play

 

You're not going to be tied up and whipped unless you want to be.

There are lots of different kinks and Bondage is just one of them. Impact play (being struck with anything) is another. Neither of these are a requirement to participate in BDSM. (Although both can be great fun either separately or together).

 

BDSM is NOT all about sex!

Whilst it's true that many people practicing BDSM are loving couples and do incorporate sex, there are probably just as many participants that have no sexual contact whatsoever. There are also lots of dynamics that sit between these extremes.

 

You don’t have to wear special clothing, or any clothing for that matter.

Wearing a specific style of clothing (fetish wear) is very much down to personal taste. Whilst there are some events where a particular dress code is required, many just tend to keep it casual most of the time. I find that Black Jeans, Black Shirt and Black Boots tend to be accepted at most venues although the suit does come out on occasion. Of course, you can opt for Latex, PVC, Rubber or Leather if you wish or at the other extreme you might decide that No Clothing is what does it for you. 

 

You don’t need to break the bank.

You can have a lot of fun converting ordinary household items into toys. An old hairbrush could become a paddle. Clothing can be used for bondage. Be creative and use your imagination, shopping trips become a whole new experience when you walk around and start seeing alternative uses for items on sale. A wooden chopping board makes for a heavy paddle, whilst a plastic coat hanger is an excellent option for playing quietly if you need to whilst giving a serious sting if it's done right.

 

You make the rules – Nobody Else!

Lots of people will tell you that you should do things a specific way. But the reality is that there are many ways you can 'do BDSM' and assuming you are doing it safely then do what works for you. You and your partner should sit down and discuss what can and can't be done effectively setting the 'limits' of play. Once you have set them, they should never be crossed unless you review and change them. If your partner oversteps your limits, it may be time to walk away and find someone else to play with.

 

Fools Rush In.

Take your time and learn about the lifestyle. Don't jump in with both feet and expect to swim. Research different aspects of the lifestyle and learn about the parts you are interested in. Join discussion groups, there are lots of them on Facebook, FetLife and of course here on Fetish. Get to know people, attend munches (social events for kinky people) and generally integrate yourself into the community. Don't be too quick to get into a relationship as not only does that appear desperate and needy, but rushed relationships very often end badly.

 

Not Everyone is Honest – Honestly!

It’s human nature to want to trust people we meet when we are trying something new. Especially those that sound (or at least tell us that they are) experienced. However sometimes we can fall into bad company and the advice we get from these ‘experienced people’ is worthless! That Dom(me) with 50 years’ experience could just be someone who’s looking to exploit you for all you’re worth. So again, don’t rush, get to know people, if someone takes your interest, talk to others about them to find out what they are like. Watch how they interact with people in the community. Do your research and trust your gut instincts.

 

Don't announce that you’re new.

Especially if you’re a submissive female but this applies to everyone. If you join an online group and introduce yourself as being new to the lifestyle and are looking to learn, people will crawl out of the woodwork to offer advice and this is a sure fire way to get involved with a predator and possibly get seriously hurt. My advice is to join a group, agree to the group rules and then lie low and watch how people interact. You'll soon get to see the ones that know what they’re talking about.

 

Your Safeword will keep you safe – Not!

A safeword is a pre-determined word used to draw attention to an issue that could potentially end the scene. The safeword is discussed before the scene and everybody involved in the scene is aware of what the safeword is. Calling a safeword doesn't necessarily mean that the scene must stop altogether, but the top should immediately check in with the person calling the safeword to find out what the issue is and address it. That's when you will find out if the scene needs to stop completely. A safeword is only as good as the people using it. For example, if someone chooses to ignore a safeword then the safeword itself is useless. This is where absolute trust in the other people involved is imperative. If you don’t trust someone, don’t play with them. You should never be punished for using a safeword. If this ever happens, RUN!

 

Communicate – Communicate – Communicate

Communication is vital within any relationship. But BDSM is a game that requires two (or more) players (let’s face it, playing with yourself is only so fun for so long). Nobody is a mind reader (even though we often like to think we are) so it's essential that you communicate before any kind of play negotiating boundaries and safety. Communicate during the scene to let your top know that what they are doing is Nice/OK/Not So Nice/Hurts. Safeword if you need to (and don’t be afraid to do so). Finally communicate after the scene and discuss what went well, what didn’t go so well, what you enjoyed, and what you didn’t enjoy so that the next time you play will be even more fun.

 

Learn to build trust.

On occasion during play you may be putting your safety, or your liberty in the hands of another person. If you can't trust those with whom you interact, then you need to have a re-think about who you're interacting with. Trust is something that is built over time and broken in milliseconds. Be true to your word, if you say you're going to do something, do it. Equally, if you say you won't, then don't! Never do anything to breach someone's trust as once it's broken it's very difficult, if not impossible, to rebuild. 

 

Honesty is the best policy – Honestly!

Be honest with those that you get close to. Tell them if you have little or no experience in a specific area. If you have a medical condition, disclose it to anyone that you are going to play with. Ensure that they know any signs to look out for that will indicate that you need medical attention. 

 

Be willing to admit it's not for you.

It's very possible that you may try something and decide that it’s not for you. If that's the case, then stop. Well done for trying but now that you've recognised that it's not for you, leave it behind. There’s no point trying to continue something if you don’t enjoy it. 

 

Respect is earned.

Just because someone is a submissive, it does not give anyone the right to make demands of them. Just because someone is a Dominant it does not give them power over you, and you certainly shouldn't go around calling every Dominant "Sir". Respect is earned, not demanded, and it's most easily earned by those that show it. I generally show respect to everyone unless they give me a reason not to. If you do see something you disagree with, state it but be respectful. We’re all human and so our opinions are going to differ from time to time, so don't lose your cool.

 

Know your hard limits and stick to them.

As you explore there will be lots of things that do and don't interest you. Some might scare you whilst others you simply don't understand at first. It could be that whilst you might not like something, you are willing to do it for your partner. Or it could be that it’s something you’re curious about trying and may do so with the right person. These are all 'soft limits' and they are often fluid and ever changing. However, you will come across things that you will never ever do under any circumstances, for example 'death' is probably something you'd rather avoid. Teach of these are known as a 'Hard limit' and you should set them right from the start and stick to them, unless in time you decide to explore.

 

Be willing to explore.

Just because you've settled on one role for now, it doesn't mean that you must remain in that role forever. As you explore, you may wish to look at things from the other perspective and there's nothing wrong with doing this. You may even decide to “switch”, alternating between roles depending on your mood and there's nothing wrong with that either. Be open to new ideas and be prepared to stretch yourself and your limits by trying new things.

 

Educate yourself.

Everybody must start somewhere and there's no better place than using the internet to do some research. It’s swamped with lifestyle groups and websites where you can read, learn, discuss issues, and obtain education on safe practice. There are lots of books available, but you should always get recommendations rather than just go out and purchase. That said, you should look for multiple sources on the same subject. One person’s opinion is exactly that, just one opinion which may differ from the majority, they may be ill informed, or their way might not be the way that you wish to participate in the lifestyle. Always look for alternative perspectives on any given subject. One of the best ways of doing this is to ask in a forum and wait for the discussions to start. Then draw your own conclusions.

 

Tolerance is a must!

As the saying goes, it takes all sorts to make the world go around and the same is true in the BDSM community. You’re going to come across people that you don't like for whatever reason or whose values and beliefs you either don't understand or completely disagree with. Equally you'll come across people who feel the same way about you, but this doesn't mean you can't remain civil. Remember this phrase:  Your Kink Is Not My Kink But That’s OK (YKINMKBTO). Ask questions if you'd like to know more but ask in a respectful way. If someone is doing something that others perceive as dangerous, the alarm will be raised to ensure that they (and others) are fully aware of what they are doing, and the potential risks involved.

 

It doesn't have to be ***ful.

If you're a masochist and thrive of the feeling of extreme *** then there are plenty of people who will be only too willing to 'hurt' you. Then there are some activities can appear to be ***ful when in fact the opposite is true if things are done correctly. For example, a hard spanking can look intense and ***ful and will leave marks. Sure, enough if someone was to hit you full *** from the start it absolutely would be ***ful. However, if they start gently and build up giving your body time to adjust, they could end up hitting you just as hard and it won't hurt you. Having said all of that, there are plenty of things to do that don't involve any kind of ***, so you don't need to endure *** to enjoy play. 

 

Who is really in control?

When you look at a BDSM dynamic from the outside you could be forgiven for assuming that the Dominant is in control. After all, they are the one calling the shots and telling the submissive what to do right? You could also be forgiven for assuming that the submissive is in control, as they set the limits of what they will allow to happen and have the power to stop the scene at any time by withdrawing their consent. However, the reality is that both are in control, because without the participation of everyone, there is nothing to control.

When it comes to play, the Top is the one in control. They are the person 'doing things' and they will control the play space and everyone within it. They operate within negotiated limits, and anyone can stop play, but ultimately the Top is the one running the scene and ensuring the safety of everyone involved.

 

Subspace & Drop

When playing, your body releases hormones called 'endorphins' which can induce a euphoric state called Subspace. This is often misrepresented as a 'mindset’, but it is in fact an imbalance of chemicals in your brain and can feel like being drunk, high, or floating on air. More common in bottoms (hence the name) but it can affect Tops too, many people aim to reach that point when playing. This is where the Top needs to be really focussed on what they are doing as someone in sub-space might not be aware of dangers and even if they are, they may not be able to verbalize or communicate, in which case they would be unable to use their safeword. 

The opposite of this is Drop. This is the name given to the low, sometimes depressive state a person can feel after play stops and the chemical imbalance begins to normalise. This can bring up emotional/mental triggers that may make you feel sad, angry, hurt, rejected, confused, guilty, ashamed etc and these emotions can arise when you least expect them and are likely to be far more intense than you would experience in everyday life. These feelings can take anything from a few minutes to a few hours or even days to surface and when they do, they can be scary. The important thing to remember is that they are temporary, and they will pass as your body gets back to normal. 

The best way I've ever heard someone describe "drop" is to imagine a huge pendulum sitting still, hanging downwards. This is you in your normal place, going about day-to-day life, socialising with friends, dealing with problems as they arise and taking everything in your stride. Imagine that there is a rope attached to this pendulum, as you play, the rope slowly pulls the pendulum up, the more you play, the higher it goes. When play ends the pendulum just sits there for a while. You're in subspace, that floaty feeling is amazing, and you enjoy the experience. 

However the pendulum is heavy, and the rope can only hold on to that weight for so long before it begins to fray, slowly but surely each strand of the rope begins to pull apart until the rope can no longer hold the weight of the pendulum and it snaps, causing the pendulum to drop downwards. Now anyone who knows anything about physics will know that when you release a pendulum, it will travel an equal distance in the opposite direction. So, from a massive high to a massive low. It will then swing back and forward until it eventually stops moving. This is the same experience as going from subspace into drop and then normalising.

 

Remember to follow-up with Aftercare

Aftercare is literally as it sounds. Taking care of each other after a scene. It could be dealing with injuries or applying cream, having a cuddle and a relax together, maybe something warm to drink and something to eat. Aftercare should be offered after every session (regardless of whether subspace was reached or not). The reassuring supportive and safe environment lets the sub know that they have done well and that they are valued. It's also an opportunity to talk through the highs and lows of the scene. Aftercare is extremely important, especially if someone is in 'Drop', so make sure you read up on it and learn about how to give, receive, and ask for it.

 

Where are all the whips and riding crops?

Funny isn’t it? You’ve been reading for ages now and there’s not a whip, crop, paddle, or cane in sight! Impact play is only a very small part of BDSM, but I'll try to put things into perspective. Imagine looking at a map of the USA with all the states marked out. 'Impact Play' is just one state! Now zoom in so that you can see the counties within the state – flogging is just one county and if you zoom in even further, each town within that county represents one type of flogger. 

 

Nobody Knows Everything - That would be impossible

Now whilst we’re looking at your map, let’s put BDSM as a lifestyle into perspective by zooming out again to where you started looking at the USA as a whole. Zoom out even further so that you can see the world and then further still so that you can see our galaxy with all the planets revolving around our sun. You still don’t have enough space to cover everything that’s BDSM related. Armed with this information, whenever someone tells you that they know all there is to know about BDSM, you'll know they’re lying!

 

It's not just Role-Play

Although it may not seem real, don’t make the mistake of thinking that the BDSM lifestyle is a pretend one. To some it might just be a bit of kinky fun to spice up their sex life, but to the people who make the choice to live this lifestyle twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week (24/7), this is not pretend, it is their life, and it’s as real as it gets.

 

Why get involved in BDSM?

People explore the world of BDSM (and kink in general) for all sorts of different reasons. Some may just be looking to enhance their sex life whilst others may have high pressure jobs and simply want to be able to relinquish control, whilst for others the opposite may be true. Some may long for that 'high' that comes with sub-space whilst others may use it to give some structure to their lives. 

The main thing to remember is that being involved in this lifestyle doesn't require you to be strange, warped, twisted or a freak. In vanilla life, I have a job, a child and I enjoy riding and repairing motorbikes, flying planes (yes real ones), photography (although I'm no David Bailey), playing piano, bass guitar, and travelling. Just like everyone else in this community, I'm just a normal person doing normal things.

I believe that life's way too short to be taken too seriously, it's there to be enjoyed, experienced, and lived. So, whatever your reason for researching the lifestyle, remember that you are unique, and nobody has the right to judge you. Be true to yourself and live your life to the max and grab onto every opportunity that comes your way.

 

Hey, thanks for this! I'm not even done reading but it is just what I needed

 

[4R****]

26 minutes ago, mauriebaby said:

Hey, thanks for this! I'm not even done reading but it is just what I needed

 

Glad you find it helpful