Dom experience

[Deleted Member]

Seems like no one is interested in a dom that is like just starting out in the lifestyle. Everything I see, from newbie subs to vets all want an experienced dom to push them to their limits. It kinda feels like trying to find a job, like how can I get experience if no one will give me a job without experience?

[ka****]

go to munches and play party and such, get out and be part of the community that how Sir

[Deleted Member]

Find another Dom local to you, respectly chat to them. Get friendly then ask for some advice. Also munches and workshops, fetlife is the best place to find what's going on near you!

[Sp****]

Makes sense though when you think about it though. I am new as well, but I'm lucky that my wife is the one who was interested in it first. I plan on going to some local bdsm clubs and maybe seeing if there are any mentors there.

[Deleted Member]

I hear you brother that's very true maybe that's why there are a lot of dishonest men on these sites.
Just be you mate honesty and patience will pay off eventually after all honesty and trust are the most important things in any relationship or dynamic good luck

[Deleted Member]

Most important. Stay true to yourself, as in your natural feelings in relation to the kink-life. And step by step. Find someone who is also new to this, do your own research. Experiment with that person, but as i said. Do your research please.

[Deleted Member]

Switch the roles around, if you was a sub would you be ignoring all the experienced doms to find the inexperienced ones, would you want someone who can teach you, guide you, support you from years of experience & knowledge or would you just go for this week's fresh new face to the scene & fingers crossed they know what they are doing.

It is a catch 22, like you said with jobs, of how do you get experience if no one gives you the opportunity but this is people's lives, their physical, mental & emotional health subs are entrusting to a dom, so you have to expect that a sub would prefer to be with someone with experience.

I'll also say that there seems to be a lot of doms coming along these days that want to be a dom overnight, want everything right here, right now, without putting in the work, the research, the understanding, the learning, when it's taken some of us most of our entire adult lives to develop to who we are as doms, it doesn't happen overnight, it's tiny steps, bit by bit, spending years gaining the knowledge & experience desired by subs, just because you decide you want to be a dom doesn't make you a dom, building up the knowledge & skills makes you a dom - I can stick a doctors coat on & call myself a doctor but it doesn't make me one, studying, learning, practicing little by little, eventually leads to being a doctor & being a dom is no different,sorry but there's no short cuts & it is really frustrating at first but it's where we all have to start & have the patience to grow ourselves & not having that patience is an instant turn off to most subs.
 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Deleted Member
Spelling mistake

[ge****]

Everyone has to start somewhere for sure - but that also has to come with acceptance that getting started takes time and patience, particularly in this lifestyle where "Dominant males" are ten a penny - and many of them not worth a tenth of that penny 😀
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So it comes down to finding ways to demonstrate that you are worthy of gaining that experience you crave, and you can do that in many ways - as others suggested getting involved in the local scene to where you are, not as a participant but an observer, is one way - that might mean attending munches, or kink events or anything that allows you to get known as someone trustworthy and willing to learn - likewise seeking out mentors is a great idea.
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Increasing your knowledge through reading and getting involved in sites like this is another great asset - the more you can show knowledge and that you've really thought about all this, the more people will be willing to open up to you.
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Being a dominant isn't simply a case of picking up a riding crop or whatever, it's about being able to demonstrate that you are the kind of person someone can trust and respect to hand their control to.

[Ja****]

Honestly it's a vibe, personally it's better being a switch. Cause you can learn. just depends if your willing to submit 😋

[Deleted Member]

It’s an interesting point and rather true, but also makes sense considering the stakes. It takes a lot of trust to submit, so your sub will want to know you are trustworthy. Prior training and experience demonstrates that. There’s also a level of confidence and temperance that comes with more experience. I can say I had a session with someone who is new to the lifestyle where I took a sub role because he considered himself dominant (I am a switch between Domme and sub). The experience ended up being awkward because he didn’t know what he was doing and where he wanted to go with things, and he didn’t stay for aftercare. It was confusing and unsatisfactory. Even for an inexperienced sub, the discomfort level would be noticeable and break the mood/defeat the goal. Mentorships, play parties, and independent research definitely will give you good experience to convey your ability and trustworthiness to potential subs.

[Deleted Member]

From my prospective as a submissive, there is a safety element to consider. If you are playing with impact, even a paddle can hurt you wrongly wielded. I do tend to take all claims of experience with a pinch of salt, you can have 10 years of experience of being a bad dominant, that's not a good thing. I was in consideration with a newbie Dom recently, and it was an interesting experience. He was a very quick learner, but what I found was that being in the teaching role made it hard for me to go into the submissive role. I am not a submissive person generally, I found difficult. How could I release control to him, when I knew better?

[Ho****]

1 hour ago, kahlanQ said:

go to munches and play party and such, get out and be part of the community that how Sir

Lots of relevant comments here, but this first (and most succinct) might be best. Meet people, see them in action (play parties), ask questions. And ask yourself questions. If you're new, what's leading you to think you're a Dom? Do you understand the level of responsibility you're taking on? It's about much more than you think and I wish you the best learning and finding your way. 

[2C****]

First world problems....

[CopperKnob]

Do you know what? I have more respect for Dtypes who acknowledge and voice their newness/inexperience with something. Having an awareness of learning gaps/skills and the willingness to explore/learn/grow indicates maturity/humilty/vulnerability etc.
Saying you're new, telling people no ones giving you a chance doesn't show those qualities.
I you want a job/want to change your career path but can't get a job what do you do?
You research, you volunteer, you educate yourself until someone gives you a chance
This is no different.
Make a plan as to how you're going to become more knowledgeable/not necessarily experienced and act on it.
Then look for a relationship in which you can gain experience

[Ki****]

Seeing what has happened to the online Kink community it doesnt surprise me. As a Kinktoker on tiktok, I've seen so many people pretend to be dominant. So much so that people have ended up in rough if not dangerous situations with people who were caught in their lie and or ***d/manipulated. The horror stories I've heard from women who talked to men who claimed they were doms is crazy. So when I hear "submissive want an experienced dominant" I can't say I blame them. Gotta be really adamant about making sure these Doms know what they are doing.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, KingofGoth said:

Seeing what has happened to the online Kink community it doesnt surprise me. As a Kinktoker on tiktok, I've seen so many people pretend to be dominant. So much so that people have ended up in rough if not dangerous situations with people who were caught in their lie and or ***d/manipulated. The horror stories I've heard from women who talked to men who claimed they were doms is crazy. So when I hear "submissive want an experienced dominant" I can't say I blame them. Gotta be really adamant about making sure these Doms know what they are doing.

I completely agree, I however believe it has to do more with individuals but enter this community and don’t really know what they are and for some reason want to conform to a general listing societal view of what they’re supposed to be. As an individual who has for 20 years been the more dominant in a monogamous marriage, as society dictates the man be, I can tell you it’s very difficult when making a lifestyle change to turn that off. If it wasn’t for my wife, who is supporting me in my exploration of my submissive self, and us going from a monogamous marriage to a non-monogamous marriage I would probably have thought myself a dominant individual.

One of my issues was when my wife was asking for different types of play, I was uncomfortable and worried that she would be injured. That’s when we had an honest discussion of what I could do and couldn’t do and decided that someone else with a lot more experience should be the one that dominates her so that I do not injure her trying something that I’m not only not comfortable with but also completely inexperienced in.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Blackdragon1029 said:

Seems like no one is interested in a dom that is like just starting out in the lifestyle. Everything I see, from newbie subs to vets all want an experienced dom to push them to their limits. It kinda feels like trying to find a job, like how can I get experience if no one will give me a job without experience?

there's a lot of good advice on this thread.   

Let us pretend that you want to be a doctor. Hell. One better. A surgeon.

You walk into a hospital and tell them you are new to the medical practice and wish to be a surgeon. You want to be given a chance.

Obviously people will look at your lack of medical experience and show you the door.   "But how can I get experience as a surgeon if you won't let me operate on people until I get it right?!"

And you see how ridiculous that is.  Nobody wants somebody who fancies playing surgeon to operate them - they want someone who is experienced.  Even if it is someone's first operation, they want the confidence they have the medical experience.

In this case there is a bit more of a clear pathway. If you want to be a surgeon you can study the right courses at college and university, wrack up a lot of student debt and work your way up the ranks.

While there is no "Kink school" (albeit, there are assorted courses on the web and people who may be willing to help mentor others) the concept is largely the same.  You want to be a Dominant. Nobody owes you the time to give you experience.   This is something you have to put your own work and effort into.

[LK****]

Gotta go out and talk to people. Here it’s like any other app, and unfortunately this kind of screening happens, even before answering your first message. Too much of a big offer. If you go to a fetish club or bar, be nice, curious, and if a Sub likes you, being a newbie may not be that big a deal. Some even prefer, since an experienced Dom or Sub comes with their own baggage.

Many here talked about experience as a synonym of being trustworthy. And it may help, but it all depends mainly on the vibes you give and the chemistry, connection, conversation, etc, between both of you. As in any kind of relationship. The most important is being responsible, caring about safety and not being an ass.

[Deleted Member]

I have to say. For me i don’t care who dominates me, no matter how experienced, as long as i get dominated.

If the Dom is a bit clumsy or makes a no-no i address it and thats how they learn. I have patience.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, LunaThSlave said:

I have to say. For me i don’t care who dominates me, no matter how experienced, as long as i get dominated.

If the Dom is a bit clumsy or makes a no-no i address it and thats how they learn. I have patience.

until they wrap the tie around your throat and it slips and they don't have safety scissors due to lack of experience. 

[bl****]

I’ve learned a lot on TikTok about the Dom sub relationship and some of the do’s and donts that I feel apply to me. See if you can learn more and at least figure out what you like and are looking for. It’s such a wide spectrum and communication will be key

[dr****]

I would say that if you can't get the role you want you practice for it. A rigger can self tie. A dom can get toys amd learn how to best use them on themselves. I get not all dpms like *** bit if you would use a toy on yourself. Why would you blindly use it on your sub? Yeah you may be knew still but you can atleast go hey I'm am practicing these skills and I am researching these subjects. You atleast will be able to express a level of interest that isn't I want control or I like giving out ***... likesorry neither of those phrases makes me go "baby dom I want you!" *throws kinky ball across room*

[ey****]

15 minutes ago, dread_persephone said:

I would say that if you can't get the role you want you practice for it. A rigger can self tie. A dom can get toys amd learn how to best use them on themselves

not JUST that.  While someone wanting to learn rope can practice on themselves (or get bits of bamboo etc) they can also attend a ***r rope group (and subsequently as well as learning from an instructor also making friends who want to learn rope)

Impact toys can be practiced using a pillow, especially with a little talc to help with aim - but again there are workshops and others where people can give demos and also show tricks.   While I didn't go there was literally someone at the BBB the other week offering spanks, or to be spanked, in exchange for a small donation towards her partners medical bill. 

There are countless books for learning - and even if someone is bound by budget - there are a whole bunch of blogs and youtube videos available for free. 

[in****]

I think I'll answer to thos from my own perspective, and that is I'm not into BDSM to teach it. I'm there to enjoy the experience. There are classes, workshops, demos etc and they are a good way to begin learning, and those people WILL teach. (as well as lots of good literature out there). There's plenty you can practice at home solo. But one of the best ways I learned about BDSM in general was by making friends on the scene, asking loads of questions, seeking advice and pointers.

[mi****]

Hummm you’re right