Into kink but (self harm also) Looking for advise or opinions of fellow kinksters

[Deleted Member]

I am into kink but have been through a lot and have a lot of issues, I have self harmed for a long time. Finding friends that are a fellow little, or people I can trust and relate to is important to me. Having kink and/non kink related friends would be helpful, and having a boyfriend that is also my friend, daddy dom, mentor, but a relationship with a guy that geuinely wants me who I am, aceepts me for who I am but would help me overcome issues I have to become a better person or better version of myself. Is that so much to ask for? (A man that would always love me and never abandon me, who would be there for me when I needed comfort, reassurance or support and encouragement, I know I deserve better)

Curious if there are any other that are involved in kink/has a history of trauma involving various types of trauma/addiction and if bdsm or kinks/fetishes like the demonant/submissive type or relationship or lifestyle can be/is the***utic? 

Do you or have others fetished your trauma because it turns you on? (Some guys I have spoken to in the past were turned on by my scars, self harm or other things that have happened in my life) Is it normal or healthy to get addicted to roleplaying, self harm or other fetishes? 

Is there anything I am doing wrong in terms of trying of making friends or looking for a boyfriend? (No potential friendship or relationship has worked out so far this year)

[Fimus]

Please stop the self-harm. Have just a little patience. There are plenty of folk on here who can understand your situation and can help

[Fimus]

I just read your profile. I would like to cuddle you for ever

[Deleted Member]

Fair enough, but so far any guy I have liked isn't or probably would not be around long-term to try and help me since it seems I am not good enough or worthy enough of needing help.No offence to men but any guy can say they want me, care, love me or ask me to be their girlfriend and not really mean it. If men are as caring as they seem, why do they keep leading me on, making it seem like they care so I will depend on them for eupport and then they stop talking to me,  ignore or block me for no apparent reason. No potential friendship or relationship has worked out so far. I have a lot of issues.

[Fimus]

Most of us men are assholes - that is our problem not yours. The only thing you are getting wrong is your choice of men

[Deleted Member]

Fimus is right, you need a decent peer group who will build you up and empower you to be whatever you want to be. Horrible as it is when you're *** there are plenty of people who will exploit you and use you. They'll leave you feeling lonely and hurt and your self harm cycle will repeat. I'd suggest making friends with both men and women of mixed backgrounds who are accountable to one another before embarking on anything sexual. Go at your own pace and not theirs and if you feel pressured go and see a proper friend.

[Deleted Member]

Tried to do that but people are just looking for a relationship most of the time. There is no app currently to make kink related or non related friends or for specific kinks like ddlg, knifeplay, ***play, specific fetishes like belt, mask or accent fetishes. No one wants to be my friend.

I am using the kink app whiplr to try and make friends but people just get annoyed with me for trying to make friends and find a boyfriend.

It makes me feel likje I am not good enough to be anyone's friend, girlfriend or not good enough to be a little and involved in knk.

There must be similar peoplke like me involved in kink right?

I appreciate your advise, sorry if I seem a bit rude.

Edited August 14, 2018 by Deleted Member

[Fimus]

I get the feeling that you are "trying too hard". Friendships tend to develop "organically" and pushing them will almost always cause them to collapse. Be aware that a LOT of people go on sites like this with no other agenda than to just get "quickie sex". I am on other sites as a full-blown TV and I get twenty offers to suck cock every night, but only once every couple of months does a serious offer come along. Do not beat yourself up about the idiots that approach you - just learn to filter out the drunks and the desperate and somewhere beneath them all will be someone genuine

[Deleted Member]

You don't seem rude at all, just down and lonely. 

Hopefully you'll make some friends here who are right for you. 

Online communities can be counter productive at times, they can serve to make you feel more isolated. I feel balance is always required with webshites and apps. 

[BigPolly]

I’ve also just looked at your profile, you’re stunning. So my first thing to say to you is ‘stop trying too hard’. We are one big community on here, no one on here has shunned you so stuff the other sites & stick to this one with us 😊 Secondly my question is ‘do you find everyone you meet gorgeous’? The answer is ‘No’ so with that in mind then realise some people will be attracted to you & some won’t until he same way you find some attractive & others you don’t, that’s human nature. If someone isn’t attracted to you then there’s another dozen out there who are so it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you realise this because you understand yourself how gorgeous you are. If someone looks at me & thinks I’m disgusting because I’m fat then so what, I know others find that beautiful & what’s more important is ‘i’ find Me beautiful & it’s the same for all of us, we’re all very very different but that doesn’t make anyone of us any less wonderful no matter what we look like or what we’ve been through. Thirdly...& I’m not going to mix my words here....it is not someone’s responsibility to ‘take you on’ & ‘help heal you’. Most people are looking for a play partner or a relationship they are not looking for ‘a project’. It is your responsibility to help heal yourself in order to be the best you can for someone else then you will grow together which helps further healing. You have quite openly said you’re into self harm which basically says ‘I’m still a bit broken & not willing to change that yet’ but you’re also asking for someone to help you overcome your issues. How, when you’ve basically just said you’re dealing with them in your own way which ‘is not at all’ ...that isn’t a put down or a Criticism that is simply an outside answer to what you have asked. This world is a closer & more open world than the vanilla world but in order to play on each other’s level/kink the person leading that play has to be confident that their partner is strong enough to accept what will happen. You need to do some more self healing, that doesn’t mean going away, that means staying here & learning to love the wonderful you that you are. Stop ‘looking’ & start looking after yourself then before you know it what you actually wanted will fall into your lap because you are desiring it & not ‘needing’ it xx

[Fimus]

Listen to BigPolly - some of us like a fatter ass to live under ;) But she makes some excellent points, too

[Deleted Member]

I understand, It would be helpful to have kink related friends because I am new to kink, but some people seem predatory and I am naive and too trusting sometimes. It's easier to talk online, because in person I am very quiet, shy and introverted I am socially anxious and socializing is exhaunting in person afterwards I like time to myself while talking to people online. Sometimes I might get too invested in a potential friendship or relwtionship but then my anxiety makes me worry if there is uncertainty. Not everyone will be patient enough to handle my depressive and misanthropic mood most of the time, people get fed up with me or boree I guess,if they don't get what they want from me, and most people are not willing to do things at my pace.

[Fimus]

I cannot enter a supermarket without being turned into a blubbering mess of sweat-soaked *** because of an anxiety disorder. Put me in a latex catsuit, thigh boots and leather corset and I will dominate a room filled with alpha males. It is all about being yourself and finding the part of you that has the confidence to deal with the outside world. So long as you believe yourself to be "unworthy" you will always find the "wrong 'uns". When you can find that little bit of confidence (and you should have it as you really quite gorgeous), you can "win" the room with ease

[Deleted Member]

@Bigpolly Men have told me they like my self harm scars, or seeing my wounds or that I am into knifeplay and ***play (vampirism)

Nothing replaces the urge to self harm, I don't do it as often as I did. 

No I don't think every guy I talk to is attractive, but for the guys I did like they rejected me.

I am overweight, sexually repressed, depressed/suicidal (but not all the time) 

Edited August 14, 2018 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

It's difficult to add to what Big Polly has said, some sage advice there from a person that radiates confidence and Kink. I'd take that on board and meditate on that a minute. 

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I have never had a boyfriend/have daddy issues so maybe that is why I am needy.

[3S****]

Only real advice i have is to work on your issues. Seek out people who actually want to help people like yourself and work on you with those people, go to proper support instead of expecting people with little to no experience to be able to deal with you. Do that first, even if it takes you a few years (or you never get better but only find better coping mechanisms instead) at least that's a few years you've spent improving your life in general.

Once you start being able to cope with yourself then everything else will fall into place, and if it does not then at least you have found safe spaces for whenever you need them. I'll probably need support all my life, on and off i know i will, but at least i've sorted that out.

Hope i'm not too blunt for you, i talk to myself this way else i would just wallow in my own depression and issues and never sort them out (and i have sorted out quite a lot this past few years, the ones that still need dealing with i am dealing with those too).

Oh and just coz you're female you don't have to be gorgeous or beautiful, the right guy for you will think you are no matter what.  Dunno why women get so hung up on their looks or why men think it's the way to a womans knickers either.

 

[Deleted Member]

For some reason you are incredibly introspective, you appear to be looking inside for faults and answers. You're going to have to accept that you are flawed the same as everyone else. 

The trouble with being introspective is that you/we tend to talk about ourselves too much, that comes across to many as self absorbed and selfish. It also make people impervious to external wisdom. 

I actually think you do need some help as I'm unsure you're strong enough to gain the tools to heal yourself, you do however at the very least need the will to listen and learn how to use the tools provided. 

 

Lastly the people you attract are going to be predatory and primal. A predator will rarely pick the fit strong Bull of a herd but will go for the opportunist kill, the wounded and weak. Some predators use attraction to lure their prey into a false sense of security and I'm sorry but many blokes will tell you the minimum you want to hear in order to get what they want, after that they're done. 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I am working on improving myself, I am trying to lose weight, so eating healthy food and doing exeecise at home, I don't self harm much but men still fetishize it. Some issues I have don't always relate to kink, but most are related to ***/trauma that I am trying to get over.

Trying to change is difficult since I have never realy been ahappy person anyway, many aspects of my life are frustrating for various reasons.

[BigPolly]

14 hours ago, Vampire_***lust666 said:

Not everyone will be patient enough to handle my depressive and misanthropic mood most of the time, people get fed up with me or boree I guess,if they don't get what they want from me, and most people are not willing to do things at my pace.

And for the people who aren’t patient or understanding, there’s another 3 around the corner who are!

we all come across predators or people who use us or who make us feel shit, that’s life but it’s about getting up, dusting ourselves down & trying again without allowing morons to destroy us. 

I woke up this morning thinking about you. I don’t think you realise how strong you are. You are on here openly talking about how awful life has treated you, how you self harm, how you struggle with relationships etc. You are talking to us all openly & honestly about who you are...that’s amazing even I couldn’t do that! It’s much easier for us to hide behind a screen it’s a protector for many & a lot of what you’re going through now (not what you’ve been through) is the same for many of us.

you are amazing & you are much further in your journey than you think. Stop thinking that everyone else has what you want, that isn’t the case! Focus on you, stand naked in front of the mirror & cuddle yourself & learn to love those curves. Like back & perform some self love on yourself so when you meet someone you have the confidence to show them what excites you.

If your past traumas turn into kinks then as long as you have control over them you’ve turned them into positives but don’t let guys use your scars if you’re not comfortable with that. Sometimes most of us use kinks & *** as a stress buster, it’s a great escapism from reality or a busy working week etc. 

Life is an adventure so make this part of the journey all about YOU! And if you journey alone for a while longer then so be it & enjoy it because it won’t always be like this, at some point people will want to share that journey with you

Self harming is who you are, it’s your personal way of coping but all I’m saying is allow yourself to cope with that & how you handle it without expecting others to understand. Allow people to love you for who you are not with what you do or your coping mechanisms or your past, simply for ‘wonderful you’ x😊

[Deleted Member]

You've had lots of really good, positive and helpful advice here. I'm not sure there's much I can add. Except to be patient with yourself and keep doing what you can to understand how you tick and how to look after yourself. It's not as easy as it sounds, I know, but I am sure you can do it. You're well on your way. Sometimes just realising how much you've done/how far you have already come can really be a boost. 

If you're worried about keeping yourself safe, do a lot of research. Read up on red flags and worrying signs to look out for in fellow kinksters, look at what the good practice is in BDSM play and negotiation and arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. 

Here's one I've written for the magazine here that might be helpful:

 

[Deleted Member]

Okay thank you I appreciate the advise.

If I meet anyone at a munch how do I know if they are trustworthy? 

 

[BigPolly]

2 hours ago, Vampire_***lust666 said:

Okay thank you I appreciate the advise.

If I meet anyone at a munch how do I know if they are trustworthy? 

 

Quite simply you don’t, how do any of us know anyone is trustworthy?

you simply just need to get to know people ‘slowly’, if you like them you continue to get to know them bit by bit. If someone makes you feel even remotely uncomfortable or says something that doesn’t sit well then follow your instinct. And they will do the same with you. Some may like you, some may not feel comfortable in your presence or with what you say & as long as you realise that’s ok & it’s not a personal thing but like we’ve all said, you need to concentrate on yourself. The chances of going to a Munch & finding mr right or some best friends straight off is unlikely...’slowly slowly catchy monkey!’

So it doesn’t matter whether people there are trustworthy or not, they’re not currently part of your life so just relax & chat. If people become friends with you etc then don’t overthink, use your instinct. 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Vampire_***lust666 said:

Okay thank you I appreciate the advise.

If I meet anyone at a munch how do I know if they are trustworthy? 

 

@BigPolly 's answer to this is spot on. 

I would also add, ask other people at the munch about them if you can. That gives opportunity for people to tell you any cautionary tales or to reiterate that they're good people. Always go with your instinct first though, but it is good to get in opinions of others too. 

[Deleted Member]

I have had sub partners in the past that need help dealing and working thru issues. I see my role as a Dom to listen and nurture as much as possible. Never push and support my submissive that is brave enough to truly open up

 

Some have used time with me as someone would use traditional therapy sessions. 

 

As for trust. That is the hardest thing to 100% ever guarantee for any of us unfortunately. We take a leap of faith sometimes and once in a while we get lucky. Talking for myself anyway

 

I wish you all the best and support