Submission and Awakening

[ArabusSUB]

I have been with/married to my wife/domme 7 yrs total. We had been together about a year when we found BDSM/Kink at least in the bedroom appealed to us. It was not until after we were married  though.

 

We started acquiring toys and bondage gear, mostly for her but then moved on to me. I cannot understand where my BDSM feelings come from...from the moment of the beginning of my sexual maturity (when I found out the things hanging between my legs werent just decoration and touching them felt even better than always) I have had these leanings.I have always gotten a mindfuck at the the thought of being a slave...its like it was written in my DNA (No way genetic...my folks? Hang it up...Dad is 72 and only had sex w one woman in his life and only dated/loved 3...is that morality or boring IDK)

I tried over the years to steer things in this direction only to be rebuffed or barely getting past handcuffs or a blindfold... Toys, bondage, ***, ***, enslavement...not a chance! 

 

At first my current wife and I would argue over roles...I ALWAYS wanted Sub. To see us on the street, she is quiet, shy and meek while I am generally the man who gets things done, ***ful, outgoing and friendly.

 

Finally she realized the sexual insanity she gets from binding and torturing me..Last time we had a night including alot of CBT (our go to since she loves rope) I would say from beginning to end of what she was doing...without my touch or words (bound and gagged so tight that i could wiggle digits w muffled whimpers) She got off 10 to 15 times just at the thought of what she was doing to me.

 

We have begun to increase our footprint in this lifestyle. I wrote and we participated in a collaring ceremony (the collar to me being a direct extension of my wedding ring...furthering our joint covenant) As well as I worshop her, telling her that she is a living deity and I am whatever she wants me to be to her. Though we have different roles per se, her D to my s is never in question. Her slave name that she granted me is Arabus and her Goddess name that she ordered is Lilith. I have pledged my undying servitude and submissiveness to her along with granting her ownership over me. The last time she ***d me, even though I was warned only I could stop it...she continued until I broke down and begged for mercy, she removed my mask to look into my eyes, tasted the tears of *** and regret rolling down my cheeks, granting my pleas and setting forth on other things.

 

I was told at that moment, her forcing me into crying out when I had tried not to was a full surrender of any last vestige of humanity...***fully stripping me of free will she declared that from hence I am a thing, an object. And the only biological reasons for being human and actually a man, since she owns them...mean I am only a vessel. So she can even decide what gender (or if I am a eunuch) based on her will. The mask while serving primarily as visual enjoyment for her and sensory deprivation for me (neoprene, thick blindfold w mouth hole...more demeaning one on order) was deeper to where placing it over my head erased not only my identity but evidence of past existence particularly as a human...I am not worthy to have a face so it will remain covered. We are essentially D/s w lots of bondage, *** and ***. Some fetishes like *** play, medical (catheters), nurturing (little) and only some talk about ***d sissiness...not likely at all, though if we can find the right toy (NO WAY HER OWN!!) we have considered gently getting into pegging. E stim stuff is on its way. Not the hardcore cuckolding (like weeks and more) but a few hrs or even a day or 2 is def on the table...more ***, marking in ink all over me (got a thing against certain types of tats) alot on the idea table. 

 

The other night despite us both being off work for 2 days together she was very tired and not in the mood for even Vanilla sex (when we are in BDSM play I am forbidden from penetrating her as normal sex) She decided to go to sleep but I stayed up all night working on new bondage ideas for myseld...I prefer chains/locks to ropes. The audible click of the lock is like a jail cell slamming home...you realize even more just how much you have surrendered. She did give me permission to pleasure myself as she owns my body...until cock cage arrives, that is the cuckolding situation.

 

As not to disturb her I went to work in the other room. I spent hours on this. Finally locking myself (had to wake her up for a moment for help) in a compromised position and beginning trying to pleasure myself. She wanted a pic as well. My rule is as long as face is covered, post anywhere u like. But as I lay there done up amazingly and working on myself...I suppose mental exhaustion hit so suddenly I fell asleep w no warning waking up 4 - 5 hrs later. Though I was very careful to prep for an emergency escape...even making sure phone was close and on. When I awakened I found despite my best efforts...nothing was to be found. I called her and begged for help. She immediately came in and released me...but as I slowly was able to arise (bout 10 min thanks stuck immobile and stiff joints) another factor slowed me up.

I realized I was knee deep into a sexual awakening and a mental orgasm that would go on for over an hour!! Nothing physical at all. I realized as mentioned above that THIS is woven into my basic DNA. (I was never ***d or exposed to sexuality, no drunks in fam. Closest thing to porn I saw  was Basic Instinct - Sharon Stone) so I have no other explanation. But even deeper is how much I truly enjoy complete and total submission. I find it to be the most liberating moments I have and they bring my wife/Domme and I so much closer in true love each time...I dont just enjoy these chains I need them for even security. What happens outside of this home means NOTHING when we are active. She suggested I finish removing the gear at which time (yes willful defiance but it was my own show that night) I informed her when I am damn good and ready!

 

I am trying to get us into experiments a bit more w a 24/7 approach. Not like full on at this point, but a day or two on a long weekend, why not give it a shot. D/s is most important, not necessarily sexual pleasure...that is saved until she decides. I am NOT talking about going out wearing a leash or calling her Goddess in public or even inviting others into this, although we are BOTH working hard to recruit a 3rd person, ironically whose name is pronounced same as Domme LOL. But I am getting some push back on the whole 24/7 thing...even though I promised to start easy w just a few hrs at a time, may not even like it! But I desperately want to try. And there are always even more adventures out there. I would personally like a black latex bodysuit but am so susceptible to heat issues I dont think it safe the cross, cage or pillory would be great too, if we didnt have landlord inspections HA

 

I suppose my question is, with all that I have said, how should I go about steering my Domme toward that next level. (Only recently has she started the *** and demoralization, took a long time of convincing to even get her to slap me gently or even spank harder than playful...) So I know it is possible, but open to ideas and suggestions...I am sure some of you have been down this road so a bit of advice would be appreciated.

Actions of late (even after all I stated above actually led her here to suggest to me that it is becoming an obsession...those words scare me, that I am scaring her!) though also make me wonder if I have not outgrown our D/s relationship. If my dark thoughts have finally outpaced hers to the point she says completely NO. Which makes me wonder will I stay satisfied at that level. Wondering if I need to go find a real Domme, and at least try out REAL 24/7/365 Femdom and see if this is a fantasy or really is for me. See if I should sign my body and soul over to another, more experienced Domme who will provide for my human needs (food, shelter etc) and leave the regular world and even the parttime BDSM play I have so enjoyed and become TRUE PROPERTY to a REAL OWNER. 

Just some (longwinded) musings and a request for advice...I do have hard limits but those are always discussed prior. If anyone would, a part of me might be willing to try a long weekend or a week away as a full time Sub to a full time Domme, just to check it out, NSA. The only thing is, my Domme was my wife first (and still is and very much in love) and her 13 yo daughter is the only child I will ever have so I would in no way want to lose them. 

 

Not real big on the whole online D/s relationship and me sending *** at will etc...I started looking into that once, no thanks really.

 

Again, I am a bit torn here but I wanted to talk about the amazing rebirth I felt this weekend! Breathtaking is all I can say. The more you realize about the truth yourself, the more liberating, freedom granting and joyful your life becomes...it feels as if what I have always kept hidden has finally arisen to the top of my mind as "this is who you are and have always been..EMBRACE IT instead of burying it"

I could only think it similar to sexually coming out