Good advice received so far. Each of us unique and a decent dom/owner knows that and works with you and your needs and desires.

In truth, any relationship worth having, in play or irl, makes emotional demands on both partners. We can't play as unfeeling robots. In fact, the more we share of ourselves, the more real the relationship becomes. So Gilly222 is right and so are you. The potential for being hurt badly is a Read more… reality human beings have to accept, if they are to be themselves. I could never have a relationship with someone who is incapable of being hurt or with someone I could 'brush off' too easily.
The words 'psychopath' and 'sociopath' come to mind. Clearly, they do NOT apply to the warm, loving and caring people that you and Gilly222 clearly are.

The new bottoming book and the new topping book are excellent

I am a Switch. Although primarily a Dom, during my training, I subscribed to the idea that one must receive it before one gives it. I also felt obliged to be the Bottom sometimes so that I could be a fully empathetic Top. Now, although I love being the Dom, it's so good to let go and let someone Read more… else do all the work sometimes, just for a rest. So I am a very passive, 'just get on with it' sub, though only with the right person, who might well be one of my subs!

That's what I understand it to mean. There's a sense too in which the alpha sub is the most trusted of his subs, with well-earned autonomy within agreed bounds and the responsibility that goes with that. A Dom would expect more of his alpha sub and she would expect more severe treatment were she to Read more… exceed her authority or misuse her power over the other subs.

This makes me very sad, because everything you described is entirely natural, well-deserved and fun both to give and to receive. Let me just say, 'I understand '. I really wish you could find what matters to you so much, and rightly so, with your partner or, if necessary, someone else. YOU ARE Read more… WORTH IT!