Entitlement in the kink community

[Deleted Member]

Been seeing a couple of posts about people throwing tantrums over not being able to find partners or just people who are completely unable to handle rejection. Remember guys, being part of the kink community means willingness and consent come first and you are not entitled to someone’s body purely because of your interest in them.

Side note (TW: Death threats): Got thrown tonnes of *** at because I wouldn’t FaceTime this sub at 1AM in the morning. Being called a terrible Dom and to go fuck myself, even got told to kill myself over it. Kind of what inspired this post to be honest!

[Ha****]

Exactly! I keep letting assholes know, just because I state I like to be called a slut doesn’t mean YOU get to talk to me or treat me like one. I never gave you permission to do so.

[Re****]

I understand getting a little irritated at times but yeah that's a little much. There needs to be understanding between both parties if it's going to work. As for the above comment, yeah I feel like consent before name calling is kind of important but what do I know.

[mo****]

Yeah, unfortunately this is what we’re going to have to deal with and weed out. Gotta remember there’s good and bad in all and on top of that, people have demons and illnesses they hide, sometimes in plain site, other times not really. So be safe, be mindful and don’t hesitate on reporting extraordinary behavior like that 👌🏽 We should be here for enjoyment

[Deleted Member]

Many would say dating sites simply don't work for the vast majority. I do

Some don't see this as a dating site and there is not even agreement on that.

For me it's clearly a dating site as that the self description, hows its marketed and the majority of the features are focused around dating.

Given dating sites don't appear to work for 99%, a few grumbles should be expected. I'm actually surprised there is not more grumbling.

As for death threats or any form of violent threat or *** on any part of this site, it's simply unacceptable and should be reported to reduce the risk for others  and those engaging in that behaviour may need signposted to support and help.

[Se****]

I get a lot of people who complain about my profile being too long or get attitudes when I explain that I am chronically ill so I might be slow to answer people. I am not aiming to be rude.

[un****]

I had the same thing a few months ago from a young guy (20 years my junior) who didn't like that I said no to him. The *** that flowed from his finger tips showed him up to be the immature child that he is.
This may be an online platform, but temper tantrums should be left for the playground.

[Deleted Member]

When a problem is experienced by a significant majority of people it's no longer a personal issue.

Obviously I have no idea on specific numbers for this website but OLD as a whole is problematic for men and everyone who has spent any time examining it knows this to be the case.

[Th****]

I have experience all of these things and more both on and off kink sites. We're all allowed to say thanks but no thanks, and we're all allowed to have personally preferences and it isn't an open invitation to state your case and try to change my mind. If the answer is no, the only acceptable response should be "ok. Have a pleasant day." The End. I simply cannot fathom why some people don't grasp this concept lol

[se****]

Men/women behave anyway they want, because they believe they are immune in being found, and no one will "call out" their bad behaviors. But... believe there is still a polite way of "calling out"... don't want to put more fuel into a potiential bomb.💣💥

[ey****]

entitlement isn't just exclusive to online either, unfortunately

but, mind, it's often easier to put someone out of an event who is being an arse (and a lot take themselves out "I went to precisely 3 munches and didn't meet anyone - what's the point" etc) 

[ey****]

59 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

When a problem is experienced by a significant majority of people it's no longer a personal issue.

the question is though

- is it a majority?

that there might be a lot of people who are talking about it - but this doesn't mean it is the attitudes, views or experiences of those who are not

Equally, a lot of people can have the same opinion and still be, ahem, wrong.

While person x might have an experience of "I've been here 3 months and barely got any replies, let alone meets" person y is less likely to be able to say "this isn't my experience" because they've stopped using the site cos they found someone in the first month.

Some people find munches hard cos "sigh, everyone is in a relationship" when it turns out that a lot of those relationships came about through people attending the munches.  

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Seedious said:

I get a lot of people who complain about my profile being too long

That's nonsense IMHO. Many of us appreciate a long and even well detailed comprehensive profile that is well thought out. No one is ***d to read our profiles.

My personal pet hate is dating site profiles that say "ask me", "fill in later", "dunno what to say" or the next step on which is a 1 liner mini sentence worth of text. I am sure we are all familiar and have seen many of these.

[Ij****]

One thing that I think a lot of people don't acknowledge is that they're punching above their weight. Like, due to an *** I've gotten out of shape. But I still go after the same women I did when I was fit. I get a lot more rejections because of it. And the problem comes in when people won't recognize that that is what's happening. No body shaming but at the end of the day people are going to like what they like.

[se****]

@Ijustmovedhere... thank you very much for being brave to mention "punching above their weight". I agree ... alot men and women do this. This setting yourself for failures, then many people blame others.

[ey****]

I don't believe in the structures of 'punching above weight' for the simple reason this indirectly puts down other people.

the whole "she is out of your league" thing for example is pretty toxic.

So - I dunno - you see someone who you think is attractive, smart, whatever and you feel they're "out of your league" or punching above weight or whatever....  so who IS in your league or weightband ?  Are you saying that people you are attracted to or should date you are 'mediocre' or 'average' ?  And of course not!

To spin this round the guys who think they're super attractive can also be some of the most entitled because they get super angry that women would dare to date someone that the attractive guy doesn't think is good looking enough "I am better looking, why are you with him?" which completely kinda ignores that most people want someone they can connect with and attraction is important but subjective. 

[Ij****]

@eyemblacksheep I think for the most part you and I agree on this. Like I said I'm still approaching the women I find attractive and encourage you to do the same. I'm just saying that some of the entitlement that is mentioned in the OP comes from people who don't recognize that not everybody will be attracted to them. And unfortunately that often means that people who don't fit in to the conventionally attractive box get overlooked.

[ey****]

ah cool cool

yeah the concept that not everyone will find us attractive or no matter what we do not everyone will even be interested is one thing

I just don't like the whole "out of league" thing - cos it's putting both yourself down and prospective partners

[se****]

@eyemblacksheep... I can see that, but my thinking is unrealistically high. Setting high is great, but setting too high is not good either. I know my limits, but it does NOT mean I value myself low!

[Va****]

It’s a hard road towards connection, I’ll give you that. Trauma and resentment builds up and ***s me to say stupid things, and I am altogether too intimidating, methinks. Am I wrong when I think no one would consent with a relationship with that kind of person?

It just seems like the interest in me only goes surface level and stops there, no matter how hard I try.

[ey****]

35 minutes ago, VanEverSent said:

Trauma and resentment builds up and ***s me to say stupid things, and I am altogether too intimidating, methinks. Am I wrong when I think no one would consent with a relationship with that kind of person?

this is all things that can be worked on

if you are aware you say stupid stuff or are intimidating then when you feel something building up - then you can work on trying to process this BEFORE you say something

while it might not necessarily be anxiety - some of the ABC's associated with counteracting anxiety can be worth looking into.  

Because yeah, if you say something you regret every time you feel resentful it's going to be a toxic environment for a prospective partner - but this is something you can work on before finding a partner 

[Deleted Member]

Agreed. Self check and mutual respect.

[pe****]

My problem is with fakers, posers, I'm young or gorgeous I know I'm not everyone. The percentage of people on here who aren't real is disturbing

[Deleted Member]

@pepperchefmy experience also. Still no one ***s me to use this site and my participation is voluntary. I always try to keep a tiny fire of hope burning with any dating site. No longer chase my acquiesce though. It is a bit like playing Prince of Persia, lots of pitfalls. It makes sense to be alert and observant.

[pe****]

Hey I understand and in general I make a game out oof messaging the fakers.