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Dom/me drop and its stigmas


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Sub drop is a serious thing, many know how important aftercare is, many go without.

All too many times I hear about a great scene becoming a traumatic experience down the line because there wasn’t sufficient aftercare. I can’t help but feel that as a Dominant  I may be used as an alternative to self harm with certain people. I came to terms with that years ago and have my days where I struggle with that, but, I know that these are my people and if I can help I will, but it is never sexual for me. On the other hand I am a Primal and CNC is very sexy in a struggle for power kind of way.

But what i want to talk about is my views and experiences with impact play and ***. Just saying it makes me smile sinisterly, I love to break down other Dominant types, partly for the challenge but mostly because I get crippling guilt when I hurt someone I see as weak or defenseless. NOW I KNOW there is absolutely NOTHING weak about a submissive, man can they take a beating and then thank me for it. This doesn’t stop me seeing myself as a full grown man who hits women for his own gratification.

lets be clear I don’t actually like hitting anyone, I just enjoy pushing limits and I guess being of use. Every lesson I learnt as a kid was don't hit girls, don’t be mean and only bad people like to hear people scream or see people in ***.

Now it is obvious that aftercare is super important after a Scene, but who takes care of the Dom/me and their insecurities? Too many times I’ve held a partner in a fur blanket shivering with tears running down their face and a drink in their hand, my words bringing them back from wherever they had to go. I am a sensitive human being and i see them marks, i hear the whimpering and i feel terrible, only a few minutes ago I was laughing at their *** and punishing them for making a noise, and now im zoning out asking what the fuck did i just do?

Any advice?


A few initial thoughts before I get to the meat

If you don't actually like hitting someone or any other activities as a Dominant then you don't actually have to do them.    What you are instead doing is more of a Service Top role, but, one where you still seem quite unsure and uncomfortable with - you are not the one in control here and while service topping might be of use to others - if it's pushing you into things you don't like; then you might want to reconsider doing them.

But still,

I know what it's like.  I have suffered Dom-drop and I have also done scenes where afterwards I thought "Fuck, was that actually appropriate?"

The purpose of aftercare is actually for both parties.  While there are specific needs that the sub will have (patch up any cuts, a hit with something sugary for energy, so on) a lot of the process is for both parties - that for example reassuring the person they are valued and loved while also playing into that you are not a monster or horrible and helping you ground also.

There was another thread about aftercare where it was mentioned sometimes it can feel lonely a couple of days later - so both Dominant and submissive reaching out to each other to also kinda go through things and talk about what was enjoyed and what wasn't can put at ease you are on the right track. 

For me Dom-drop occurs after intense scenes where ive pushed my boundaries or been in the zone.

If found that its because im missing the endorphine and adrenaline rush i had, so one way i counter it is to do something that gets the adrenaline and endophines up a little such as going for a swim, or a walk.

The "guilt" of the day after is often removed by aftercare and being told how much she enjoyed the scene and even checking in with her the day after to see how she is.
You are not hitting a woman for your own gratification, it’s a joint venture. I can tell you that regardless of the yelps or tears your sub is getting as much out of it as you are. You are simply on one end of that tool whilst your sub is on the other. You may push to the limits but your sub has the power to stop that at anytime.
Those marks you see, we view those as ‘badges’ & they’re nothing to be ashamed of, they’re artwork that you can both admire.
As for Dom drop, again this is a joint venture so you also need drinks & sugar, you also need attention but what you both need equal amounts of is ‘communication’.
So questions such as - are you ok, would you change anything, is there anything you liked/didn’t like. Only then can you build up a picture of whether what you were doing suited you both.
As for the guilt, you won’t get rid of that & that’s what makes you a decent person. One minute you’re high on sexual adrenaline, next thing you know you’re back in the real world with a thump. The 2 worlds are very different places so you can’t put the feelings you have in the real world in with the your sexual scenes however guilt is a natural reaction & it’s ok, you’re human!
I'm not sure how to talk to my significant other about aftercare. I've been sexually assaulted in the past and aftercare is really important but after he doms me he doesn't try to hold me or anything. 3eve stopped doing bdsm because I was feeling violated. His fix for it instead of talking about it he says we'll just stop having sex all together which makes me feel worse... I have no one to talk to...
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