Do you hide your kinks?

[Deleted Member]

I am always a bit curious how open or closed people are. For example on all my dating profiles I state I have a thing for bondage or D/s play with the woman being the submissive. It's not something I have ever had a problem with stating, I don't really think it's a big deal and honestly, I would be fine with everyone I interact with in real life knowing my kinks. That said I want a pretty traditional relationship with a side of private play so it's really quite hard to criticize it.  

Women do you have an issue with discussing kink on non-kink platforms? 

[ge****]

On sites like this I'm very open about my sexuality - more vanilla spaces it's a need to know basis and mostly people don't need to know.

[Deleted Member]

It is incomprehensible that in 2022 you will still not be able to communicate openly about your preferences, for example during a company party. Can you imagine how difficult it is for the LGBTI

[Zela]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

On sites like this I'm very open about my sexuality - more vanilla spaces it's a need to know basis and mostly people don't need to know.

Agreed. I would disclose if I feel there’s a connection otherwise it could be misconstrued. As a woman on regular dating apps, I find a lot of men say they want a relationship but don’t so to protect myself, I won’t divulge if my true goal is to have a relationship. Does that make sense?!

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Zela said:

Agreed. I would disclose if I feel there’s a connection otherwise it could be misconstrued. As a woman on regular dating apps, I find a lot of men say they want a relationship but don’t so to protect myself, I won’t divulge if my true goal is to have a relationship. Does that make sense?!

This makes no sense.....if you don't say you want a relationship why would I match with you? I get not wearing a BDSM t-shirt to a work meeting(lol) but my point is in active dating areas(OLD or what ever), how open are you? It seems the online platform is one where you can be more direct without causing as much discomfort. 

[Koby]

Personally, I am not looking to settle - so whether its on a 'Nilla or kinky site - I disclose I am into BDSM. How much info I disclose depends on the site I am on.

[Deleted Member]

I put "open minded must also be open minded" on vanilla ODS. I'd completely concede even that statement is very loose, with all sorts of interpretation.

I have used usernames like "Shirt-n-Tie-Boy" before and headlines like "Shirt-n-Tie-Boy seeks his Shirt-n-Tie-Girl". On here it seems informative. On a vanilla ODS rather different... some say it is just weird and off putting. Someone told me they thought it was a quirky gimmicky joke thing. Most just walk straight past like okayyyyyy then.

[ge****]

6 hours ago, Zela said:

Agreed. I would disclose if I feel there’s a connection otherwise it could be misconstrued. As a woman on regular dating apps, I find a lot of men say they want a relationship but don’t so to protect myself, I won’t divulge if my true goal is to have a relationship. Does that make sense?!

Totally makes sense to protect yourself - especially given there are men around that would jump on it as a "play" and think their luck was in finding someone with kinks, and make that the focus of their attention rather than you the person.
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You can start to figure out the other stuff once the first "getting to know you" hurdle is jumped and you grow in confidence that the person is genuine in their intentions.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Zela said:

I find a lot of men say they want a relationship but don’t so to protect myself, I won’t divulge if my true goal is to have a relationship. Does that make sense?!

Nope. Makes no sense to me.

2 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Totally makes sense to protect yourself - especially given there are men around that would jump on it as a "play" and think their luck was in finding someone with kinks, and make that the focus of their attention rather than you the person.

Again have to stress my perplexed look here. To use your own words replaxcing men with women there are therefore also "women around that would jump on it" however I don't lie on my profile. I don't really consider it healthy to encourage or advocate dishonesty on a dating site.

[Zela]

1 hour ago, sigbro said:

This makes no sense.....if you don't say you want a relationship why would I match with you? I get not wearing a BDSM t-shirt to a work meeting(lol) but my point is in active dating areas(OLD or what ever), how open are you? It seems the online platform is one where you can be more direct without causing as much discomfort. 

I think you misunderstood what I wrote. Or maybe I wasn’t clear.
Let me try this again:
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If I am looking for a relationship on a regular dating site, I am 100% clear about my intentions and will disclose my BDSM interest when there’s a connection.
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Alternatively, the way I see it is If I put that in my profile, it will attract those that just want to fuck and not actually want a relationship.

I hope this is clearer.

[ge****]

23 minutes ago, Shirt-n-Tie-Boy said:

Again have to stress my perplexed look here. To use your own words replaxcing men with women there are therefore also "women around that would jump on it" however I don't lie on my profile. I don't really consider it healthy to encourage or advocate dishonesty on a dating site.

The thing is there aren't that many women that would jump on a guy who stated he was looking for a specific kink either on dating sites or here, as evidenced by the regular posts from men stating they can't find what they're looking for.
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There are however many men who would, and do, do precisely that as soon as a woman professes a particular interest and who think it's immediately on offer - which is why many women are careful when it comes to what they are looking for, to protect themselves from being bombarded with messages that focus on the kink and pretty much ignore the person.
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Withholding specific interests until you feel comfortable to reveal them is not dishonest either - and nothing unhealthy at all in doing so, in fact I'd say it's incredibly healthy for self-protection in some cases.
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Back in the days before the Internet you didn't lead with "these are my kinks" when you met someone for the first time - and it certainly wasn't being dishonest then - no different now on sites that aren't kink focused

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Zela said:

I think you misunderstood what I wrote. Or maybe I wasn’t clear.
Let me try this again:
.
If I am looking for a relationship on a regular dating site, I am 100% clear about my intentions and will disclose my BDSM interest when there’s a connection.
.
Alternatively, the way I see it is If I put that in my profile, it will attract those that just want to fuck and not actually want a relationship.

I hope this is clearer.

I see, what are your thoughts on men who mention it? On one hand I get your point about not wanting to only match on kink but on the otherhand it is relevant to filter people. For example on OkC under "The most private thing I'm willing to admit":

"I'm not interested in a fetish relationship but it's important to me that my girlfriend and eventual wife would be open to sometimes taking the submissive role in bondage and D/s play. I'm also happy to work to fulfill your kinks, within a few limits."

[Dy****]

Even on vanilla dating apps, I write exactly who I am.......because when I don't, I get a bunch of attention from women who want to submissive for a night, and they act like they know all about it and it gets out of hand.

When I am direct, the constant attention dies down.