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Doll Drama


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So, I have no idea if I’m the one who fucked up in this story or not.. I guess we’re going to call it the Doll Incident.
A little backstory; I’ve been dating my, what I assumed to be, platonic partner who lives in Indianapolis, J for almost a year now. We met up around, what I want to say as September of 2021 and have been seeing each other since. I started dating my primary partner S who lives in Pennsylvania in December of 2021 after my Ex T ***d S into our relationship, claiming that they were poly. J supported me through the drama of T, and especially through the break up, but S knew what was going on better since she was the third wheel in mine and T’s relationship and I just started clicking with her.
I proclaimed myself to be an asexual, aromantic in February of 2022, which threw a huge curve ball into J and my relationship. He is highly sexual and very emotional while I’m the opposite, but being platonic partners with the rare play session seemed to be working out for us. I am typically sex repulsed and unable to process emotions, especially the one called “Love”, but for us, we made it work.
There would be days where I didn’t want to be touched or groped or even spoke to sexually because it physically repulsed me and he would understand and back off, but recently there’s been an extra please or a small grumble. There are days where I cannot say “I love you” because in that moment, I don’t comprehend it or just don’t feel it in that specific moment, and he didn’t understand it, but never pushed it until he said a wise crack about it.
I accepted him for these flaws. I highly care about him, but he is not a Dominant and doesn’t have any of the same kinks as I do and cannot provide what I want and need. So, S, a mommy/mistress type Domme, became my primary and he was informed about the decision and accepting of it.
Fast forward a few months. It’s now May of 2022, J starts to message S, calling her his Metamour, saying that because she is my partner, he wants to meet her and “fulfill some fantasies” with her. S doesn’t get along with straight cis men at all typically; she’s cordial until they show their colors, but she’s been nothing but respectful to J, but set a boundary that she may not want to always talk about sex or his and my relationship. J agrees.
June of 2022, J and I were laying in bed after an event at Subspace where I got my butt beat by a new friend of mine, and S calls to check in on me to make sure I’m getting the aftercare I need. We chat, I’m half asleep, and then I grumble something about hating shaving. J flat out jokes about how he doesn’t care because S is a Sasquatch anyway (S has called herself that once in the past when describing herself, but explained she hated the name) which is a huge “no way” in my brain. I wake up, snap at him to apologize and tell him how rude it was. He just kind of laughs because he didn’t understand I was serious, and S did the “I’m uncomfortable laugh” and ended the call. That’s the first incident of disrespect to me.
Same month, I’m struggling to say “I love you” to people, and when J says it to me, I give him a big smile to show that I care for him. Finally, I say it back and he jokes, “No you don’t”. I get frustrated and end the conversation immediately, letting him know it upset me because it takes a lot for me to say it.
July 12th 2022, the Doll incident. I am in a stage of between sex repulsion and craving due to being off my psych meds that had repressed my libido to nothing. I feel disgusted with myself for being horny, and that I was a lesser being for it which I know it is not true. S proceeds to put me on a Sex-Masturbation Ban so I do not upset myself by playing and instructs me to write out a fantasy that I’ve had for a while. I call it “Doll on Display” and label it as an erotica on Fetlife. About 16 hours after I post it, J messages me saying “when are you off next, I want you to come over so we call fulfill your erotica”. I tell him about the sex ban and how I can visit, we just will not do anything and that if he wants more details about it, to ask S because I was not comfortable talking about sexual stuff at that time.
J proceeds to message S about how he felt neglected for me not having sex with him in over a month and that she needed to tell me that I’m allowed to have sex with him. She explains my situation to him and he claims he’s losing me cause I can’t spend every weekend with him anymore due to having crippling chronic illnesses, a job, a family, and other responsibilities. And yet I make time for him. I visit him after work and go out to dinner or go on a walk with him and my dog. I try to visit 2 times at the minimum a month, more of my schedule and body can handle it. S tells J about how I am her submissive, therefore she has rights to put rules and protocols on me, and remind him that we are primaries. He claims we never told him about being primary partners and becomes upset. He blames S for taking me away from him and that I shouldn’t move to PA with her because he didn’t think I’d be happy with her like I am with him and said bluntly that he wanted me to stay Indiana just for him.
He repeats that how us not having sex in over a month makes him feel rejected and unwanted. I apologize that he feels that way, but remind him of my sexuality, and he says that he isn’t valued or prioritized anymore because it felt as though I didn’t want him anymore.
I told J that I was upset by his comments and that if he felt as though sex was so high of a priority, maybe we needed to reevaluate our relationship because sex is one of the lowest priorities to me. He then asks if the conversation is making me feel bad feelings (ie anxiegy, disgust, etc) and I say yes. I say I’m frustrated of how this conversation turned out and how you seem to only think about sex. I reminded him that I cared about him in every way I can, but he just isn’t my primary due to him not fulfilling my base needs of structure or kink, and proceed to tell I’m that I need time to think, process, and evaluate my feelings and we’ll go from there, but as of last night, I was no longer comfortable spending the night with him. He accepted my answer and told me he’d give me time.
But he wasn’t done. He started messaging S about how she was taking me away from him, how the sex ban on me was hurting our relationship, and that she didn’t even consider him. He said some other stuff that made her upset but she would not tell me as not to worry me.
But yeah… I’m upset.. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose him, but I do not feel as though we are compatible anymore. This is also just a very brief overview of our relationship and the incident..
If anyone has advice, that would be amazing.
Again, I’m sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.
You really put a lot out to digest and have a thoughtful response or responses. I want to say that you really deserve a lot of credit to write this, and to seek outside views is courageous and beautiful.
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles and suffering. It feels like J is unable to process or deal with his jealousy. If left unchecked it’s likely that he will become more agitated and erratic. My personal advice would be for you and J to agree some time apart - maybe a couple of weeks / a month, or maybe longer. I can’t see that anything will shift if this dynamic continues. And jealousy is such a powerful primitive *** that sometimes the most mild mannered people end up doing something hurtful or damaging.

You might even consider a break from S too and have a period where you are able to focus on yourself, and be clear from any of the relational ***s that are in play. The most important thing is that you take your time and space to make up your mind about what you’d like the next phase of your life to be.

J May end up being a good friend in the future and it feels like any kind of sexual relationship with him might retrigger his jealous feelings.

I wish you all the best 🙏🏻
relationships are born to change, and J sounds like he unable to adjust, selfishly. His happiness is based on his fulfillment only at this point, going from this post, and without a sense to him that you being respected and admired for speaking up about what you need, there is not much of a relationship left with him to cultivate, imho. Clearly, you are not feeling good about J at this point, and there is not a better reminder of relational enoughness than the gut feeling of how someone makes you feel in their presence and when you hear about their behavior in different respects. The choice is yours, and perhaps it is merely becoming clearer to understand as your relationships have progressed, for good or ill. Take care of yourself, please.
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