Je**** Posted July 28, 2022 Posted July 28, 2022 Sorry this will be a woeful and LONG post. I'll put a trigger warning in due to some uncomfy abusive mentions. A conflicted mind is rarely pleasant to read... but perhaps advice and experiences could be shown if I share.. So I often have a mind in turmoil. I feel like I was doomed from the moment I was brought into this world. Born into a family of DV against my mother. My mother who apparently tricked my father into having me. To me being born and my mother then pawning me off to whoever would mind me so she could work and pretend I didn't exist. A parental situation which would never last long. Until their ultimate divorce which was when my mother acknowledged my existence. But this is when I had begun to be used as a weapon by both. My father fighting for custody. My mother not allowing him to see me until a court granted it. When I seen my father he used me as a weapon against his own father.. to get what he wanted from him. The very grandfather who was 'disappointed' I wasn't the grandson he hoped for. .... Fast forward some years I grew up in a turbulent family with brothers who were favoured. Where I was beaten and shouted at simply because I wasn't one of my brothers. I endured years of this. Called a slag who would end up pregnant by 16 simply because I had a skirt on, became gothic and had male friends (even though they were gay, but this was frowned upon too). I began to rebel and lived my life, moving out at 17 years old. Told if I did, I was never allowed back. I never went back. My parents divorced shortly after this and my mother went off the rails. My stepdad's bond with me grew after this. But it was never going to be perfect. At 18 I was an adult.. had began going out and socialising. Until I was r*ped by a man on the street. That's when I died inside. He got away with it and I couldn't cope with the police and forensic attention, invasive swabs and all sorts of things. I was terrified of men. I ended up off the rails myself a year later and got back out there. Losing all self respect and I just did what I wanted to do. Which was to use men... how they used me. (Consensually of course). So I slept about. Nothing extreme but I loved this new control over my life. A year of this... soon my friends and people I knew began to drop away. I got labelled a slut, slag, whore. Simply because I made my own sexual choices. I was judged back into reverting away from society. I did what society felt I should and sought a boyfriend to be mono with and enjoy life as a couple. .... Age 21 I decided to meet a nice guy I liked for a while. We dated a few months and I ended up pregnant. After 6 wks he decided he didn't want the child. And told me to get rid of it. I refused. He dumped me. My stepdad tried to get me to have a termination too, because he felt I couldn't have a normal life. But I proceeded and had said kid. My mum took an interest but was still off the rails since my granny's death in 2010. But I felt this could have helped us bond more. I entered a new relationship and had a second child. I even got in touch with my bio dad again after many years with no contact. My mum disapproved of this and things became turbulant. She walked, abandoned me and my children. That was in 2013. I then found out the family I grew up with was all a lie. My mother was adopted when she was a baby. The roots I thought I had.. weren't mine at all. I became depressed and my relationship began to suffer with my long term partner. He began to mentally and emotionally abuse me. This went on for years until I became too afraid to leave my own home. For 2 whole years. I had a 3rd child. And shortly after this I had no sex life or intimacy at all. No social life. No friends. I piled on weight but sought a job to ease back into things, even though only a half mile from home. I began drinking heavily when a woman at work began to taunt and bully me. I didn't want this life. So I quit work shortly after. I just wasn't strong enough. By this stage I couldn't spend a waking moment sober. In turn I felt I was letting everyone down. That I deserved what had happened to me at work. To then walk into emotional abuse at home. .... One day, and this was my tipping point... My partner at the time, amidst the mind fucking, decided to start lying to me. Cheated on me and gaslit me to the point I tried to end my own life. I felt so worthless. I didn't want or need this. It wasn't a life at all. He pushed me into therapy for months before he told me that it wasn't all in my head and was indeed going behind my back. I switched off. I was numb. Without any emotions at all. At this stage I didnt want to be around any human beings. I hated people. I got rid of him but the children kept that connection door open between us. He still blames me because I threw him out. But an apology wasn't enough. .... I began writing to distract myself. I wrote a romance novella. A life of someone who wanted normality, tired of perfection, just wanted to have soemthing loving and simple. A bit of a reflection on my own life, but in reverse I guess. Anyway, there was a sex scene in it so I asked my best friend for tips on how to research such a thing. He said "look up some dirty websites". So thats what I did. I found Fetish.com. I joined and dabbled about. Got info I needed but I felt compelled to stay. I spoke to a few men. One on the phone.. who turned out to be a catfish. I was naive. But oh well. A second I met as a fwb situation until after a while I found out he wasn't true to anything he told me.. so I ended that. A third ghosted me. I almost gave up on here until I ended up meeting someone else. A "complete bitch" so I first thought. But giving them a second glance I realised that sassy, goofy person was someone I quite liked. I got to know them and long story short... we are 2yrs together now and moving in together soon. It's not been easy. They are patient with me. Knowing my past, triggers and anxieties. I tried for a long time to push them away. But I didnt want to push them away. I was protecting myself. Or testing them? I don't even know. .... I try to be out there loud and proud. But at the same time I am shy and humble. I want to "whore about" again and enjoy myself sexually and have all sorts of experiences. Taking that control back again in life. But I'm still terrified of being used and abused. I want to let people close. But I put up walls. I want to surround myself with people but I want to be alone. I am terrifed of losing people I hold close. Yet I will happily think of myself better off with no one. I have my kids. All growing strong and healthy. They come first. I don't want their dad around. But I need his help with them. The kids need him. I want my family and friends from time gone by, but I know I cannot have them. I don't need them, I wasn't good enough before. My relationships with who I do have, family wise, are rocky. I hung up on my dad recently because I told him my ex was still mentally abusing me. My dad told me it was my fault for being so stupid to allow him, and I cant blame him as I was the one who threw him out. I told him I felt like I wanted to end my own life due to the situations and he told me to 'do it'. But to 'make sure my kids are looked after better than I can do'. This tipped me over. I hung up on him. To receive a lovely text saying if I ever hang up again, he's abandoning me as his daughter. *I* was apparently the disrespectful one. So me being the wuss I am, called him back and apologised. I was numb. I know what he did and said was wrong but I wanted to keep whatever family I have left. I'm a mug I know... .... I've major anxiety. Self esteem and confidence issues. I developed OCD habits and I can often be taken wrong. I over analyse and protect myself, even when I don't need to or want to. Fast forward to today. I'm in a good place. I'm still turbulant in my head. But I have the love of a good person. I found family within them. I'm terrifed to ever lose them, but I know that's my insecurities talking. My growing up and life has always been me as disposable and replaceable. I worry if I ever love someone, or let them close, that they'll just vanish one day. I want nothing more than to have that happy life. A secure unit for my kids. I know I'm making the change for my children that I was never granted. My daughter came out as gay at at 10yr old. Adamant for some time. I support her. I will never subject her to the gay shaming I endured. I found my gender and dysphoria issues were able to be voiced on here. With so many positive friends online and in person (from this site), to support me. To listen and be patient without severe judgement. This is something no one in my every day life knows. I know growing up where I have, violent Ireland, cannot understand and support me, like I can find on here. .... I am exploring poly. I have been ghosted and lied to. Used and abused. But I wont let it stop me. Believe me, my inner self tries to sabotage me. But i persist. I want to be that rock for my partner..open honest and encouraging. Exploring themselves. Myself. Others. Together and seperately. But I have that protective side. I need to work past this. To stop worrying I will be abandoned. To stop feeling unsexy. To stop worrying about people's opinions of me and, to ultimately stop people pleasing. .... I have a lot to thank this site for. I feel it saved me. The people on it have saved me. And even though we all have our troubles, history and abusive pasts (some not all), there is light at the end of the tunnel. But for me finding a way to not assume my past will circle around, is what taunts me. I need to believe I am worth it. That I can have happiness. That not everyone wants to hurt me. That I deserve that first or second chance. Never judge someone simply on how they speak or behave. Not right away. There's usually a reason. You don't know what someone faces every day. Why they are the way they are. That being polite and kind.. can really change someone's life. And that's what I want to do. Starting with my kids and my relationship, I want to make that difference, one human at a time. I just need to find my inner peace to give myself that same love. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. This isn't a sympathy reach. Just an insight of my mind and maybe someone can share how to help yourself before others. With burdens I don't feel upon myself, but hide due to burdening others. I don't ever want to be a lost cause. I want to be happy. And see good people happy. We only have one life. How can we live it better.