Getting wife to be submissive

[Deleted Member]

Alright so, I'm new to all this, but here it goes... Sex life with my wife is non-existent. I recently started watching some BDSM porn and slowly learned about this whole world. I read article about why BDSM works well for some couple and I thought, maybe this would be a good thing for us.

She's already pretty submissive, but she just doesn't have much of a sex drive. I downloaded the Kinker quiz app telling her to be as honest as possible, and the most "kinky" thing was the Kamasutra...

I made the mistake of ordering hundreds of dollars works of bondage stuff and cute outfits for her, but it seems to be for nothing. Shes just.... boring, but i care for her and we have kids. I want it to work for their sake. Im extremely dominant in the relationship, but rather than that turning into something great, it's just fight after fight.

I don't really know what I'm trying to ask. I got so frustrated that I've been looking for an affair, but if I could make Dom/Sub role happen, I'd much prefer that. Just looking for advice I guess.

[mi****]

Communication is your saviour in this situation. Being open in your relationship will only make it worse if she doesn’t want it equally. Explore boundaries with eachother

[Ba****]

Ask yourself do you think other elements are preventing this?
If you are only making it work for the kid’s it won’t.
If you are seeking to make her more open to try…listen to the arguments on what she argues about & go from there. What’s she argues about is what she is missing to start the journey.

[La****]

There are so many things that can contribute to a women's sex drive, or lack there of. Start by being a supportive partner and possibly checking in with her doc. Also being open honest, and discussing the situation with her would be a great idea. If she doesn't react to your fantasy, maybe there's something else she would rather be doing. See if she has anything she wants to try. Lastly if you are unhappy, don't cheat be honest with your wife.

[Se****]

Tell her what you’re feeling. You’re both coming at this from different sides so there will be friction until you lay it out on the table what you both need. Key word being “both”. Just bear in mind, when you put it out there, you may not get the reaction or response you expect.

[Sh****]

Maybe she wants to be dominant over you in the bedroom. Did you ever consider asking her what she wanted

[SI****]

I would say tap into the more romantic side of the lifestyle. Take a tantra yoga glass together maybe. Instead of the bondage and rougher side of the lifestyle. Research more of the sensual side of things. Erotic massages. Get her gifts like bubble bath and bath bombs. Run her a bath with some candles and music. Get her flowers for no reason. Do toy play and control her orgasms. Watch Sex Rooms on Netflix. Create something like that but with her in mind. I go over board on my rooms I create and have a lot of fun doing it.

Maybe your key to being able to do the rougher stuff is to show her the softer side of the lifestyle. I don’t wanna give away all my secrets on here but if you want more advise from me my DMs are open.

[Deleted Member]

Tell her exactly what you want her to do. Be honest and completely open. Nothing is too dirty to tell her. I never thought my wife would be ok with being shared but she loves it.

[Char__]

I would suggest couples counseling and some real honest talk about intimacy and desires. An open relationship might be an option, but it's not for everyone. If your wife is opposed to that, there really has to be some compromise from *both of you* if the relationship is going to continue. That does not mean her folding and going with what you want, it means trying to find some common ground. You *both* have to give. Good luck, it's not an easy journey

[Li****]

Trying to excuse an affair, regardless of kink compatibility, is a big no. You wouldn't like her to be doing it to you, she would have no trust making the situation far worse and your kids won't enjoy hearing Daddy broke the family because he wanted to get his leg over.
You've noticed sex is barely there but have you understood why? Do you's deal with disagreements in a mature and responsible way from both sides? Do you spend any time trying to flirt with her or make her smile? Do you actually spend any quality time together? I know as a woman (and hearing the same from others many times) if there is no connection or effort or communication (bonding from your time, company, mind, conversation, touch/flirt) then I'm completely disconnected. And I have a very, very high libido but why would I want to have sex with someone I'm not connected to and no longer have feelings for because the connection doesn't exist?
I'd also say having a conversation about distance and your sex life but calmly and respectfully will do the world of good. You both don't need to be diving head first into bdsm but try to start off with something like a date night that's sweet and romantic that might lead to you both at least gathering that sex life back up and start you having sex again. After that, maybe sensory play is introduced (light) such as feathers/tickles, lots of kisses, blindfold, bullet. You get where I'm going.
Things can be worked on if both people are willing to try and can communicate with each other how they'd like to be spoken to.
It isn't the end of the world, people and couples can naturally hit points things aren't the same for numerous reasons. But try before you stray is my only advice. She and they don't deserve to be quit on and even worse, cheated on because you's won't express first.
Once you do start having that sensual part of the relationship again, she might surprise you and enjoy putting on a little number you've bought. You never know until you TRY.
I hope you's manage to communicate effectively and pick up where you's left off!

[pu****]

All the toys and gear to someone nit interested could have the opposite effect, it can be quite intimidating.
Communication is key, find out what fantasies she has however small and simple, and express there's zero judgement, and focus on that. She may well stonewall and say there's nothing really, but let her know it's an open ongoing conversation and she's always welcome to express anything at any time.

Work on trying a few new things in the bedroom just based around how you hold yourself and respectfully give instruction. Don't dive right in to sex, tell yourself you're gonna give the longest, most thoughtful foreplay of your life and if she's exhausted, you'll finish yourself off after.

Being a dom is all about doing everything for the sub, so it will take time, but if you go down that affair road I can guarantee there's no coming back from that.

I can understand your situation, but the trust will never be the same again and you'll lose her. You'll figure it out man, but it's babysteps.

[ge****]

I'm sorry but I read that and cringed OP - whilst I get that you're trying to make things work, you're coming at it from totally the wrong angle, and a pretty self-centred one at that.
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"Getting the wife to be submissive"...really? You don't "get" anyone to be something they don't want to be.
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You saw some BDSM porn and decided your wife fits a submissive role based on that?!
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You ordered hundreds of dollars of bandage stuff and cute outfits for her? No you didn't, you ordered them for you, because that's what you want for her.
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You're extremely dominant in the relationship? Or domineering?
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"If I could make Dom/sub role work"?! There you go again, no thought for what your wife might want, or whether she would consider such a dynamic, is all about you.
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Sorry to be blunt, but step away from all of this - take a long hard look at yourself, and decide whether you want to make your relationship work - if you do then great - next step is sit down with your wife and talk to her openly and honestly about the relationship, not kink, don't even dare go anywhere near kink, but about your relationship - where you think it might be failing, and listen to her about where she thinks it might be - not pay her lip service, but truly listen, and understand what *she* wants and be ready to act on it, and make sure she understands the other way round too - the *only* way you will make things work is together.
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Don't even f***ing dare bring kink into it until your relationship is good again, and even then only if she wants to too.
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Right now everything sounds like it's about you and what you want - until you can hand on heart talk about what "we" want, meaning what you and your wife want mutually, your relationship stands no chance.

[ey****]

yep - ordering a lot of expensive gear before you even talked to her was a big own goal

and if you had been learning about BDSM (hopefully not just via porn) you'd know that communication is core here

A conversation with her about what could improve life (sex and otherwise) for you both would be good. Either together or with a counesllor

you can make suggestions around kink or BDSM - but you can't assume or put too much stock into her being interested  

[br****]

6 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I'm sorry but I read that and cringed OP - whilst I get that you're trying to make things work, you're coming at it from totally the wrong angle, and a pretty self-centred one at that.
.
"Getting the wife to be submissive"...really? You don't "get" anyone to be something they don't want to be.
.
You saw some BDSM porn and decided your wife fits a submissive role based on that?!
.
You ordered hundreds of dollars of bandage stuff and cute outfits for her? No you didn't, you ordered them for you, because that's what you want for her.
.
You're extremely dominant in the relationship? Or domineering?
.
"If I could make Dom/sub role work"?! There you go again, no thought for what your wife might want, or whether she would consider such a dynamic, is all about you.
.
Sorry to be blunt, but step away from all of this - take a long hard look at yourself, and decide whether you want to make your relationship work - if you do then great - next step is sit down with your wife and talk to her openly and honestly about the relationship, not kink, don't even dare go anywhere near kink, but about your relationship - where you think it might be failing, and listen to her about where she thinks it might be - not pay her lip service, but truly listen, and understand what *she* wants and be ready to act on it, and make sure she understands the other way round too - the *only* way you will make things work is together.
.
Don't even f***ing dare bring kink into it until your relationship is good again, and even then only if she wants to too.
.
Right now everything sounds like it's about you and what you want - until you can hand on heart talk about what "we" want, meaning what you and your wife want mutually, your relationship stands no chance.

Had all the same thoughts on the same points. Second everything. This is the best advice and tough love you’ll read.

[CopperKnob]

1. Thats how you speak about your wife? WOW!
2. You don't 'get' anyone to be submissive. Nor do you 'make D/s role happen'
3. BDSM porn is not reality. Seriously?!
4. No kid ever thanked their parents for staying in an unhealthy relationship 'for their sake'.

[CopperKnob]

@littlesoultease
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"why would I want to have sex with someone I'm not connected to and no longer have feelings for because the connection doesn't exist?"
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Because she's his wife and he's entitled to have sex because it's all about him obviously 🤦‍♀️🙄

[Ry****]

Honestly, for the sake of your wife. Have her hormone levels checked. She could have some health issues going on that would lead her to having a low sex drive. Or the other simple solution is, there are issues in your relationship that need to be resolved for her to have a higher sex drive. A good couples therapist or something along those lines can be really beneficial before trying to do anything kink related.

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for most of the comments. F**k off to the people thinking I meant forcing her in anyway. I meant 'make' in the same way you try to make or do something for something that might be best for the both of you. I'm probably the nicest guy you'd ever meet IRL. I probably try to speak openly with my wife more than 99% of guys and their wives. She's very closed off unfortunately. Not that she means to be... She just 'doesnt think about those things'. 10 years and I have to remind her we're having the same important conversation we had 2, 5, and 10 years ago... But anyway, I'm not looking to put a bad light on her. We've tried counseling, we've tried romantic sensual stuff... We've tried most of what could of. I thought maybe this culture might actually work for us, because I want her to be happy more than anything.

Anyways, thanks again for your thoughts.

[Deleted Member]

And thanks for the affair advice. I've never cheated and never want to... It's just been ten very long years. Maybe divorce is the healthiest option. Maybe

[Sa****]

Definitely make her get involved see if you can get her to discuss her own fantasies or freaky wants once you have some information to work with you can start using it to make your desired bedroom fun by you creating a give to receive like approach. Make sure you are able to make the first move and perform it as if you are the one who wants it the most.

[gr****]

Go to couples therapy.

[Deleted Member]

Gemini said it all .

[ge****]

Oh and another thing OP - you say you only recently started watching BDSM porn, and slowly learned about this world - yet have answered "I don't know" to key questions like "Limits" in your profile.
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If you can't answer the basics for yourself, how can you possibly expect anyone, let alone your wife, to entertain the idea of entering into a BDSM relationship with you?
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What makes you think you're dominant? What appeals to you about it? What qualities do you think you possess? What are your limits and boundaries? What are your expectations of a submissive? What do you think makes a good submissive? What kind of dynamic do you think you'd be looking for with your wife? What style of domination do you think you'd fit? And many many more along the same lines.
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If you can't answer those questions for yourself, then you cannot possibly expect your wife to even entertain the idea.
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But like I said before you even go there you need to either fix your relationship, or take the necessary steps to end it.

[Ak****]

Question, when was the last time she felt pretty? Last time she got her nails and hair done? Last time she was able to sleep in, not worry about food or household stuff, feel sand between her toes?
I know from experience Mommas need to recharge and if you're not focusing on making her feel lile a total princess then she's not going to jump on your white horse or play with your lance.

Granted if you've checked all these boxes then it's time for a serious talk about what makes her heart throb and her core tighten.

[Deleted Member]

Mate she's your wife discuss it properly with her she isn't your girlfriend you probably know her better than anyone else and probably know she isn't going to be against it. If she isn't interested she isn't interested you'll probably have to explore other options but if not literally just discuss talk probably not when she is stressed out after work or the kids like find a good time. Communicate and basically everything will basically be delivered. Also I dont think the equipment buying was a mistake maybe slightly too early