Does being in a D/s relationship allow a Dominant to prohibit certain things for their sub? While the answer may seem straightforward enough, our BDSM advice columnist Molly gives some sage advice to one Dominant seeking to exert more control over their sub.
 

Dear Molly, 
Do you think that a Dominant partner within a D/s relationship may or even should stop the submissive from smoking? Also, what about when it comes to the sub eating sweets or food that is bad for them if they're overweight; should the Dominant prohibit them from eating those things and take control of their diet?
JKXYZ.

 

A picture of Molly Moore. BDSM Tips

Dear JKXYZ,
On the surface, it seems like the answer is obvious, that the Dominant should impose rules on the submissive that helps them to make healthy choices for their body. But actually, the answer is more complex than that because this is not a parent-child relationship, but one that involves two adults who have to agree on the details of what they want their D/s relationship to include.
 

D/s is a partnership - not a dictatorship

Everyone involved in a Dom/sub relationship needs to establish and agree on consent - not just the general concept of it but the finer details too. How you negotiate that consent will vary from person to person. Still, the foundation of any D/s relationship is to ensure that both parties understand what they agree to, and that it's open to discussion on an ongoing basis.

In a D/s relationship, it's up to both parties to discuss and decide what kind of things are included or not. It's not just up to the Dominant to decide, and consent is crucial. To help keep both parties safe, I would also advocate the use of a safeword during play to communicate that whatever is happening needs to stop. 
 

Negotiating BDSM boundaries

Negotiating boundaries form part of a healthy and successful D/s relationship. Both Dominant and submissive should think about the things they'd like to explore or include (or not) within that dynamic. For example, some people decide that money and finances are not something the Dominant gets ultimate control over. Both parties should negotiate imposing rules about diet and smoking. Both need to agree on what they're comfortable doing. 

If you have that conversation with your submissive and they'd like you to impose those rules, then you have their consent to do so. If your sub is not comfortable with that, then you don't. 
 

What does the submissive want?

Although you may believe the choices your sub makes are bad for them, they're an adult, and if they're comfortable with this, you need to learn to respect it. If your sub smoking is a deal-breaker for you, then that's something you need to discuss and make clear as ultimately you can't impose your rule onto them unless they consent to it. If your submissive is asking for help with their diet or their smoking, then that's something you should discuss and then set up a plan.

However, from your question, I suspect that your sub is probably happy with their weight and their smoking. In which case, you need to have an honest conversation about your feelings so that you can decide together, but using your D/s relationship to make rules around areas your sub has not consented to - is not OK.
 

Communication is key

As with so many aspects of D/s relationships, open and honest communication is the key to a happy and successful partnership. Despite you being the Dominant and them the submissive - it's still a partnership at the end of the day. Talking honestly and listening to the other person is vitally important, as is making a plan that works for you both.
Good luck!
Molly x

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For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum:gimp:

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li****

Posted

8 minutes ago, Rock21RosesAndRopes said:

Is this kinda stuff more in the Daddy Domme/Mommy domain or in a live in style D/S style?!? 🤔 Because how would they have the time & energy to give like lifestyle advice which is part of a regular adults self-management & self-care aspects as well as domination etc?!? Id kinda hope that a Domme would already like & approve of a potential Subs style/looks & general presentation already to want to invest any time/energy in them.....I'd personally hate to have a Dominant person who'd want to change me because I need more self-acceptance and not less and I'd never want to be truly punished for what I am because I know what that's like and generally speaking I am what I am already and not likely to change-much 🤔

A sub would consent to these things it just wouldn't be forced upon them!!!! And it could be something simple as not wearing any knickers etc not just a full outfit! Again I say it comes to consent the sub will want that control over them just as much as the Dom will like to give those instructions. 

I got told once by a previous Dom that when we went out for a meal I was to wear a short type dress and put some stockings and suspenders on underneath.......I gave my consent to that happening, the Dom didn't force it upon me to do it.......and the thrill of it, going out wearing something that I normally wouldn't actually gave me confidence!!! It's not like he was telling me what to wear everyday but some dynamics will have that incorporated again I say it's whatever the people involved in the dynamic want and not up to anyone else to say anything different or judge 

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RosesHaveThorns75

Posted

On 5/12/2020 at 5:11 PM, lil-monster said:

A Dom would go through these things like a time for bed, a diet they should adhere to, exercise ect what they can and can't wear with the sub first. It all comes down to communication and consent.

Is this kinda stuff more in the Daddy Domme/Mommy domain or in a live in style D/S style?!? 🤔 Because how would they have the time & energy to give like lifestyle advice which is part of a regular adults self-management & self-care aspects as well as domination etc?!? Id kinda hope that a Domme would already like & approve of a potential Subs style/looks & general presentation already to want to invest any time/energy in them.....I'd personally hate to have a Dominant person who'd want to change me because I need more self-acceptance and not less and I'd never want to be truly punished for what I am because I know what that's like and generally speaking I am what I am already and not likely to change-much 🤔

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maria300

Posted

yes

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Leisa

Posted

I honestly think dictate is the wrong word to be using in a the relationship. It has too many negative connotations when associated with any relationship. By the time this aspect of the relationship are determine there has to be multiple in-depth conversations about expectations and desires of both parties. Personally I would want everything spelled out in a contract whereby I know what the dynamics of that particular relationship is going to be. Once those perimeters are discussed and agreed upon I’d absolutely want and expect my Dom to hold me to the agreed upon terms and conditions of our agreed upon dynamic. The problem is that so many rush into a D/s relationship without having the important communication that lays out what each expects from the other and that is almost a guarantee that the relationship will fail as neither will be satisfied with the other. Personally I would expect my Dom to “dictate” what I can and cannot do to and with myself in all aspects of the relationship as those were the rules and conditions set forth with the expectation of a lasting D/s relationship.

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Su****

Posted

Read all the way up to the end, where communication is key. Great article. Thank you BDSM Magazine. 😊

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be****

Posted

Yea

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Posted

I usually seek approval of little things anyway, daft things like hair colour, nail polish, perfume, I've been debating on buying this, what do you think? Scenarios. I suppose in my head if my Sir doesn't like or approve I don't want to have it/wear it/do it. It's not so much him dictating, more me wanting to please, which is all part of my role inside and outside of the bedroom, it's not all sexual at the end of the day though that adds to the fun and gratification.

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ms****

Posted

Any loyal sub should DM me and let’s have a nice sessions!❤️

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ch****

Posted

A proffessional DOM....have to be desidesive for the sub..
make wise choice and healthy choice for.them

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Si****

Posted

The question is "should a Dom dictate to Their sub?" The key words here is "their sub". By the time they are "their" sub, they should know their subs limits, likes and desires and have already moved past the getting to know each other part. I think the problem about the idea of the word "dictate" is some so called Doms think they can "Dictate" from the very first message when talking to a sub. Ive had Doms message me saying how they are going to dominate me. They failed to read my profile and missed the BIG basic detail about me being a Dom. If they fail as such a simple thing as reading, on what grounds do they think they can dictate? Each dynamic is unique to the parties in it and how much a Dom can dictate (if that's the word to use) is between them.

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Cr****

Posted

Great advice Molly! Very important!

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Posted

I believe YES they should

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Posted

1 hour ago, TJ_Pup said:

Every s is different... Not all subs want to give up totally... As not all Ds want to take totally ☺ 

This is what I said TJ it all depends what type of sub they are 😜

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TeeJay_98

Posted

8 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

It’s not a black and white question and the answer would depend on the dynamic, relationship and type of submission. Is it not the dream of sub to be so trusty and willing to please the Dom that they give up totally to him. Confident that his choices will be the best for her, considering of course the health, safety and also the choices within reasons too.

Every s is different... Not all subs want to give up totally... As not all Ds want to take totally ☺ 

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Posted

I believe Dom's rule in every aspect :)

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Posted

Also, if we are not fucking I would never dictate. It’s fake. A woman needs a steady hand and respect; she’s ahead in her mental development anyhow.

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Posted

I’m not a dom but a dominant switch. In fact I will tell her when to switch. I dictate; and as reward I do as she says and relinquish control from time to time. In the end if she slaps my hand it all stops anyhow and then we can have tea and cookies. If it doesn’t stop then we are in for a perverted trip and I’ll control her towards orgasms.

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Posted

It’s not a black and white question and the answer would depend on the dynamic, relationship and type of submission. Is it not the dream of sub to be so trusty and willing to please the Dom that they give up totally to him. Confident that his choices will be the best for her, considering of course the health, safety and also the choices within reasons too.

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Cade

Posted

YES, within the defined parameters of the dynamic and taking responsibility for creating the path of accomplishment.

 

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Posted

Not sure if I could ever be a full-time sub with someone telling me what time I can go to bed!!

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TeeJay_98

Posted

A D shouldn't 'dictate'. 

Both should come to an agreement, a good D will take the s thoughts and feelings into account - communication.

Rules may be set in place but those rules would first have to be discussed and agreed... Otherwise it won't work. 

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Daddy-4957

Posted

Yes.

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Ki****

Posted

As a sub, I still have my own mind and desires. My Dom takes these into account before dictating what I should do otherwise it runs the risk of being non-consensual. D/s isn't an excuse for a Dom to treat a sub like they are nothing. Boundaries and limits should always be discussed. Once they are agreed then dictate away within them. As a D/s relationship develops continue negotiating the boundaries and limits, as trust develops the Dom may have more room to dictate their subs daily life :)

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li****

Posted

A Dom would go through these things like a time for bed, a diet they should adhere to, exercise ect what they can and can't wear with the sub first. It all comes down to communication and consent.

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Posted

Of course they should.

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Brittone2

Posted

Go for it my behaviour goes ott at times

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