Getting wife to be submissive

[Deleted Member]

Gemini, I changed it to that after making this post. I know exactly what I want. I changed it to that in light of my thoughts and being uncertain about my wife.
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Ive been reading dozens of articles about the real stuff and watching videos (not porn). Still a newbie, obviously, but not an idiot. So anyway, i could certainly answer those questions, but i feel like this conversation may be a lost cause. I really hope it's not, though.
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I just didn't want to write an entire book explaining everything. And other than slight annoyance, I don't really have a problem with you judging me. Just letting you know you're wrong.
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Yeah we've done separate therapy. Want to do couples therapy, we just havent made the the time. She works 12 hours 5x a week.
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I gave up my career this year to become a stay at home dad for our young kids so she could work. I thought it would be good for her to go back to the career she enjoys.

[Deleted Member]

59 minutes ago, Ryan387 said:

Honestly, for the sake of your wife. Have her hormone levels checked. She could have some health issues going on that would lead her to having a low sex drive. Or the other simple solution is, there are issues in your relationship that need to be resolved for her to have a higher sex drive. A good couples therapist or something along those lines can be really beneficial before trying to do anything kink related.

Actually, I think she does have a hormone issue. She gets shakey from it, but maybe there's more to it. The doctors usually just tell her to snack more whenever she complains about it.

[ge****]

6 hours ago, JackGrey said:

Thanks for most of the comments. F**k off to the people thinking I meant forcing her in anyway. I meant 'make' in the same way you try to make or do something for something that might be best for the both of you. I'm probably the nicest guy you'd ever meet IRL. I probably try to speak openly with my wife more than 99% of guys and their wives. She's very closed off unfortunately. Not that she means to be... She just 'doesnt think about those things'. 10 years and I have to remind her we're having the same important conversation we had 2, 5, and 10 years ago... But anyway, I'm not looking to put a bad light on her. We've tried counseling, we've tried romantic sensual stuff... We've tried most of what could of. I thought maybe this culture might actually work for us, because I want her to be happy more than anything.

Anyways, thanks again for your thoughts.

Seriously? "F**k off to the people thinking I meant forcing her in any way" because that's *exactly* how your OP read - not just the 'make' comment (if it had been that alone I probably would have let it slide as an unfortunate choice of word) but pretty much all of the rest of your OP too!!
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You say your wife is closed off - have you tried to understand why she is that way? Could it be because you've tried to *** things like bondage gear and outfits you've chosen for her on her by buying them, despite her apparent lack of interest?
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Has your wife actually said what she wants? And more importantly have you listened?
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Am honestly not trying to put you down here and trust me I *know* how difficult it can be because communication is a two way thing and am absolutely not saying you're somehow to blame, and your wife is blameless but from all you have said it does sound like you've tried to engineer what *you* want without actually listening to what your wife may want.
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[AKA_Copper]

6 hours ago, JackGrey said:

Thanks for most of the comments. F**k off to the people thinking I meant forcing her in anyway. I meant 'make' in the same way you try to make or do something for something that might be best for the both of you. I'm probably the nicest guy you'd ever meet IRL. I probably try to speak openly with my wife more than 99% of guys and their wives. She's very closed off unfortunately. Not that she means to be... She just 'doesnt think about those things'. 10 years and I have to remind her we're having the same important conversation we had 2, 5, and 10 years ago... But anyway, I'm not looking to put a bad light on her. We've tried counseling, we've tried romantic sensual stuff... We've tried most of what could of. I thought maybe this culture might actually work for us, because I want her to be happy more than anything.

Anyways, thanks again for your thoughts.

No one said they thought you were trying to '***' her that's your word. What was said was that you took the bull by the horn and decided that you were a Dom having watched porn and then choose to purchase 'items' 'for her' which she evidently didn't consent to, to meet your own expectations of her. To those that understand D/s, that understand consent, communication and the importance of respecting others limits we're seeing someone that clearly does not have any understanding of those key factors in any D/s relationship.
How you speak of your situation is particularly detrimental/negative towards her. Did you consider how you view her/the situation? You aren't part of this relationship? Nothing is your problem/doing/fault?
It's coming across as entitled and that's not the trait of a Dominant that anyone who chooses to be a sub looks for let alone someone who apparently has no interest in it.
You make a mockery of D/s in a community of people that have taken time to understand it through educating themselves, without selfishly attempting to involve other, non consenting people
You then deign to tell those you've mocked to "f**ck off"
Again, it seems that there's no Dominant bone in your body.
You want sex with your wife. You're frustrated that she won't have sex with you. You have no idea (at least you aren't letting on if you do) why. So you decided to go down a path without her consent and then got more ***ed off and choose to rant about her to a group of anonymous people thinking we'd all sympathise with you.
You truly can't see the ignorance/self importance/entitlement you're giving off?
BTW, there's a brilliant post and comments on 'nice guys' in one of the forums you may find an interesting read.

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

No one said they thought you were trying to '***' her that's your word. What was said was that you took the bull by the horn and decided that you were a Dom having watched porn and then choose to purchase 'items' 'for her' which she evidently didn't consent to, to meet your own expectations of her. To those that understand D/s, that understand consent, communication and the importance of respecting others limits we're seeing someone that clearly does not have any understanding of those key factors in any D/s relationship.
How you speak of your situation is particularly detrimental/negative towards her. Did you consider how you view her/the situation? You aren't part of this relationship? Nothing is your problem/doing/fault?
It's coming across as entitled and that's not the trait of a Dominant that anyone who chooses to be a sub looks for let alone someone who apparently has no interest in it.
You make a mockery of D/s in a community of people that have taken time to understand it through educating themselves, without selfishly attempting to involve other, non consenting people
You then deign to tell those you've mocked to "f**ck off"
Again, it seems that there's no Dominant bone in your body.
You want sex with your wife. You're frustrated that she won't have sex with you. You have no idea (at least you aren't letting on if you do) why. So you decided to go down a path without her consent and then got more ***ed off and choose to rant about her to a group of anonymous people thinking we'd all sympathise with you.
You truly can't see the ignorance/self importance/entitlement you're giving off?
BTW, there's a brilliant post and comments on 'nice guys' in one of the forums you may find an interesting read.

Nah what ? You dont need any education to do any of this OP asked a question which many people probably experience op literally acted completely fine didn't do anything against his wife's will. Lol and now telling OP he isn't dominant literally for no reason. Why you gotta be mean for ?

[Deleted Member]

'No one said they thought you were trying to '***' her'. Copper knob, read what Gemeni posted above you. It was pretty obvious that's what he was insinuating earlier. Also, I didn't scare her off with any of the BDSM gear. It hasn't even arrived and she doesn't know I bought it.
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Also, I never said she wont have sex with me. She enjoys it when when do. But it is just rough vanilla. What we don't have is chemistry during sex.
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There a lot of baseless assumption going around. But i don't really have an outlet to talk about these things. I thought maybe this could help. I'm still holding out though. Theres definitely been some sweet and thoughtful advice.
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About the 'nice guy' thing. I really don't give a crap whether anyone thinks I'm a nice guy or not. I don't particularly care what a woman's thoughts are on it either. Not to be a jerk, I just don't just value the sentiment. I'd rather be though of as a loving guy. That's actually real. What i do care about is that i help those i love and care about when they need it.

[Deleted Member]

Oh and i purposely said 'f**k off' instead of 'f**k you' because I know you mean well ♥️ Sorry, former military potty mouth. Still scrubbing it clean.

[Ju****]

Well... this was a read and it sure escalated quickly. 

 

I wont jump down your throat but i strongly agreed with Gemini (i think but forgive me if i got it wrong) comment. 

 

The lack of sex drive is one 'issue'.

That needs addressed first. 

Why its that way. How she feels. What she wants. Whats going through her mind. All in regards to sex.

Is there intimacy in the relationship? When did you last run her a bath? Give her flowers? Do the dishes?

 

What age are your kids? Do they sleep? Does she breastfeed (and is physically exhausted from night feeds)? Is she always tending to them? When is the last time you took kids out for her to have her own time or sleep? 

 

Does she socialise? Medical issues? Depression? Does she feel sexy? 

 

Does she still love you....

Have you sat her down and asked her this? 

My ex relationship was loveless. No intimacy. No sex. He went behind my back. Instead of being honest and talking.

 

There was a reason i was switched off. Unsexual. Why i didnt want to discuss things.

Simply because it was difficult to end a constant in my life. But i wasnt happy. 

 

Now... youve said shes already pretty submissive. Maybe she doesn't want to be. Maybe she doesn't want a dominant. Maybe she's not even into bdsm. Maybe shes gay? 

You wont know until you talk. If she doesnt want to... theres a reason. 

 

If i was her based off what you have said here... 

 

You're assuming my sexual roles and preferences. Youre buying me lingerie you dont know or didnt ask me, if i liked or wanted. 

You bought kink gear... like a paddle for example.. i am not a maso. 

You bought dildos i dont want to be penetrated with toys... 

Why didnt you ask me?

 

Why are you staying with me simply for our kids? 

Stay with me for me. Make it work for us. Talk to me. Listen. 

 

 

Thats what was going through my head reading this. 

There is much more to this story than youre giving us. Which is fine. Thats private. But i will say.. 

 

Do not dare disrespect your marriage and your kids for sex. Dont cheat. Your frustration doesnt matter when your life and *** and their mothers wellbeing is involved. 

I also read this "may be a d/s would work" to not even mean the wife... but infact a stranger. 

Regardless... nor your wife needs this role until you have found where you are as a couple... and bringing a 3rd person anywhere near this situation while rocky is only going to make it worse. And maybe ruin you all. Especially if its done behind her back. 

 

Id suggest giving a letter to her.

How you feel. What you want.

 

But ask her how she feels. What she wants. 

Bare youre heart and soul 

Give her space and time to do the same. 

Say nothing about the letter. Leave it on her pillow. Even when u come home and shes read it.

She may leave you one back... she may be prompted over time to reply or speak up for herself.

 

But one comment you said about divorce maybe being the best option or something along them lines....

If this is how you feel due to lack of sex and dont want to fight for the marriage. Spare her the humilaition and tell her why. Dont push it all on her. 

There are 3 sides to every story. 

Yours

Hers

The truth. 

 

 

Good luck to your wife. I hope she finds herself..

[Deleted Member]

Sorry to hear about your problems. Obviously there’s two sides to every story. Like most have said, open and clear communication, with comprehension. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, two people just aren’t each others person. That’s a hard thing to accept, however if you “stick around for the kids”, you won’t be truly happy, depression is almost guaranteed, and in the end, your relationship with your *** will suffer. Just my .02, wish you and your family the best.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you Jen. Sorry, I didn't mean d/s with i third. I meant with her. Also the kids are 3+. I do pretty much all the house work now. She has trouble getting simple things done, so I thought taking over the kids and her doing her career would help, but it didn't. Reading up on d/s relationships, I thought having a firm control over many of the mundane aspects of his life would help her. She has a hard time doing things on her own, so i believed i could take a lot off her plate by making a lot of the decisions for her. So, I thought the BDSM approach would be good for her.
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Been trying to talk to her for 10 years now. She just doesn't really think about sex, so when we talk about it she doesn't have much to say. Trust me, many countless hours of conversation have occured. I believe strongly in good communication. But night after night, she falls asleep after the kids go down, even when I asked night after night to talk. And when we do talk... It usually doesn't go anywhere. And if it does, it's usually lost or forgotten about in a few days.
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Thank you (and everyone else) for telling me not to cheat. That really does matter to me.
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I'll give the letter thing a shot.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, JackGrey said:

Gemini, I changed it to that after making this post. I know exactly what I want. I changed it to that in light of my thoughts and being uncertain about my wife.
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Ive been reading dozens of articles about the real stuff and watching videos (not porn). Still a newbie, obviously, but not an idiot. So anyway, i could certainly answer those questions, but i feel like this conversation may be a lost cause. I really hope it's not, though.
.
I just didn't want to write an entire book explaining everything. And other than slight annoyance, I don't really have a problem with you judging me. Just letting you know you're wrong.
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Yeah we've done separate therapy. Want to do couples therapy, we just havent made the the time. She works 12 hours 5x a week.
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I gave up my career this year to become a stay at home dad for our young kids so she could work. I thought it would be good for her to go back to the career she enjoys.

Absolutely no problem with you telling me I'm wrong, and I truly hope I am - though don't expect me to accept that I am - my posts have been in response to what you have said and the information you have given nothing more, and my observations (not judgement) have been based on that.
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Believe me too there was no insinuation on my part - it was a blunt and frank observation based on your whole OP which absolutely *does* read like this is all about you, what you want and does come across like you are trying to shoehorn (aka ***) your wife into, and I make no apology for that observation based on the tone of your OP - now whether it was intended to read the way it does or not is another matter and one only you truly know the answer to, I hope it's unintended for the sake of your relationship.
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I've also observed that your responses still point everything at this being a failing somehow on your wife and not a single shred of self-reflection that perhaps there are things you could change or do better, or that perhaps you are to blame for the situation in part, which I find very telling.
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You also seem to change things as the thread goes on to fit your mantra - for example the ordering bondage gear/cute outfits - in your OP you say you made the mistake of ordering it and it seems to be for nothing - yet now it hasn't arrived and your wife doesn't know you bought it - if that's the case how can you know it was a mistake and seems to be for nothing.
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If baseless assumptions have been made - they've been made based on the information *you* have provided.
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I say again though none of what I have said is meant to be judgemental or dismissive of the situation you find yourself in - but are open and honest observations based on the information you have provided - I truly hope you manage to work things out but honestly do think you need to focus on fixing your relationship first (if that is what you want) before you even consider going down the kink route.

[Mo****]

You mentioned in one of your comment that divorce may be the solution.
I separated from my wife in Dec 2013 (kids were 9, 12, 15 at the time).
Best decision I ever made.
Our relationship was virtually sexless, always me instigating it and getting refused in the last few years all the time.
I only got to f**k her when she was have ***ed or after I gave her a massage.
The sex was shit, would have been more fun pumping a blow-up doll.

Don’t stay together for the sake of your kids, they are not stupid and can tell the relationship between their parents is not “normal” (they see their friend’s parents, cuddle, kiss, show affection).

Being single also gave me the chance to explore my own sexuality without the pressure of a relationship.
I realised there was a whole world of sex out there I never heard of, let alone tried: wow, how much fun👅

I’m still single after another 18 months relationship that ended Jan 2017.
I’m looking for a new partner but not obsessed about having to have one.

In the meantime I try to have as much sex as possible: woman, trans woman, fem CD’s.
Happy days😊🍑🍆💦

[li****]

Here’s a hot tip that may save your marriage-

If you’re the dominant person in this dynamic, just tell her to go into the bedroom and strip and lay on the bed when you want to have sex with her.

Tell her she has less than 1 minute when you want to do so.

You have to make this a routine. In the morning as soon as you wake up, afternoon, in the evening, and right before you go to bed.

This may sound a little extreme but don’t even give her the option to not have sex with you! This extreme type of dominance is very hot to a submissive and the consistency keeps things really healthy and deepens your connection with one another.

I disagree with the above comments on communicating, to an extent, anyway.. is women sometimes really don’t know what we need and as emotional creatures, we need a man to take charge. Put the ball in our court and we can be our own worst demise.

She may come off as not liking it at first but TRUST me - women like when men take charge.

Tell her you’re going to be doing this, don’t give your explanation why, and just tell her that it’s because you know what’s best. Stay strong, confident, don’t show any frustration if it’s not going as you’d hoped at first. Keep towards your goal of bringing the heat back and watch the magic happen.

Be a true dominant with her and do what it takes to save your marriage!

[Mr****]

So work on romancing the wife. Whatever you did to have her fall for you, whatever personality or nice things you did and sweet words you'd tell her that made her hot and wet, do it all over again and get her horned up. Than she should be pretty willing to experiment with bdsm.
It could be as simple as flirting with her, could be as simple as cooking a few dinners a week to surprise her, could be you do a couple chores here and there so she doesn't have to do it, and maybe she really likes this happening. Maybe the lack of house work leaves her with more energy, and she's going to channel it into sexual tension, and she's going to be crazy for you.
There can be other ways that will work, but this one may be the most effective and convenient

[Se****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

No one said they thought you were trying to '***' her that's your word. What was said was that you took the bull by the horn and decided that you were a Dom having watched porn and then choose to purchase 'items' 'for her' which she evidently didn't consent to, to meet your own expectations of her. To those that understand D/s, that understand consent, communication and the importance of respecting others limits we're seeing someone that clearly does not have any understanding of those key factors in any D/s relationship.
How you speak of your situation is particularly detrimental/negative towards her. Did you consider how you view her/the situation? You aren't part of this relationship? Nothing is your problem/doing/fault?
It's coming across as entitled and that's not the trait of a Dominant that anyone who chooses to be a sub looks for let alone someone who apparently has no interest in it.
You make a mockery of D/s in a community of people that have taken time to understand it through educating themselves, without selfishly attempting to involve other, non consenting people
You then deign to tell those you've mocked to "f**ck off"
Again, it seems that there's no Dominant bone in your body.
You want sex with your wife. You're frustrated that she won't have sex with you. You have no idea (at least you aren't letting on if you do) why. So you decided to go down a path without her consent and then got more ***ed off and choose to rant about her to a group of anonymous people thinking we'd all sympathise with you.
You truly can't see the ignorance/self importance/entitlement you're giving off?
BTW, there's a brilliant post and comments on 'nice guys' in one of the forums you may find an interesting read.

Who made you the gatekeeper of D/S? He asked for advice. Is it coming from a selfish place? That’s on him. Do you know him? No. You jump on any excuse to have a go at anyone at this point

[Deleted Member]

The root of the problem is your wife's sex drive. Yes, bdsm is great, but if she doesn't want to have sex, she absolutely isn't going to want anything to do with bdsm. Look into why she doesn't want to have sex, I'm guessing it's because she's tired at the end of the day. How can you fix that? Take INITIATIVE and do some of the things she does, withOUT her having to tell you what needs to be done or having her make a list.
There is a LOT of information about this, because it's a super common problem.

Keep in mind, if she can't trust you to take the lead with simple homehold tasks/chores- she absolutely won't trust you to be any kind of Dom. How could she? You have to be her safe place. She has to see you constantly take the lead in every other aspect of your lives (outside of sex). And her trust will not happen over night. Be patient.

[di****]

Sounds like it's cheaper to get a new wife mare

[Ma****]

From what I’ve read, the key points seem to be:

1. Sit down and have a talk with your wife, preferably in a relaxed environment like a vacation.

2. Go to couples therapy.

3. Get a medical checkup for both you and your wife.

4. Find ways to help your wife open up more, whether its self care or relaxing get togethers.

To put my own opinion in, it sounds like your wife is overworking herself quite a bit. I don’t know if she wants that but it’s definitely not good for both her mental and physical health.

Also have you tried things like meditation or the Wim Hof Method? It’s known to have benefits for regulating your body chemistry (hormones for example). Even if it doesn’t help your relationship, it will definitely benefit both you and your wife’s health. Putting you both in a better state to communicate and enjoy life.

[Ga****]

You're setting the framework of what your kids will look for in a relationship. This is the example my parents set do it must work. Yeah, no take it from a person who's parents stayed together "for us", you're gonna die unhappy, resentful, and bitter. You're kids will understand if you talk to them. Sometimes things just don't work out and you have to have the guts to leave. You don't have to leave on bad terms. It'll best for all of you. In my opinion, the sex in a relationship is the structure of it. Then you have the communication. A BDSM relationship is no different than marriage in that aspect. If you can't communicate properly it becomes dangerous, physically and emotionally. But if when you try to have sex a fight breaks out....well that's a little sus to me. Affair sus. You might not be the only one looking around. Don't mean to make you paranoid but women need it as much as men do.

[pi****]

Have you tried swinging might make her more attracted to you

[Li****]

7 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

@littlesoultease
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"why would I want to have sex with someone I'm not connected to and no longer have feelings for because the connection doesn't exist?"
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Because she's his wife and he's entitled to have sex because it's all about him obviously 🤦‍♀️🙄

Sorry what?

That's taking something I said completely out of context.
That was from my perspective saying if communication isn't happening or trying to understand and establish if anything else has went before sex has such as spending quality time together then yes, your sex drive also drops as a consequence from lack of a connection.
Never once did I say it was all about him or that he was entitled so don't try to dig a problem or accuse of someone genuinely trying to help.
Though that seems exactly the reason you've commented.

[AKA_Copper]

5 hours ago, Seraphim35 said:

Who made you the gatekeeper of D/S? He asked for advice. Is it coming from a selfish place? That’s on him. Do you know him? No. You jump on any excuse to have a go at anyone at this point

Asking for advice is one thing. Receiving it, not liking it and telling those that bothered to "f**k off"? No. It's rude
You'll note that the story changes as more and more comments are added?
"Sex life with my wife is non existant"
To
"I never said she won't have sex with me"

I'm no gatekeeper to D/s, that would be ridiculous. With that said, I won't change my comments, the OP does stink of a woe is me/it's all her fault blah blah blah attitude and whilst I get that the OP was probably written with frustration, there's two people in a relationship.

[AKA_Copper]

6 hours ago, kingofdeath said:

Nah what ? You dont need any education to do any of this OP asked a question which many people probably experience op literally acted completely fine didn't do anything against his wife's will. Lol and now telling OP he isn't dominant literally for no reason. Why you gotta be mean for ?

If you're gonna quote me, please quote correctly
"It seems that there's bo Dominant bone in your body"
It's not about being mean, it's about offering a really clear viewpoint on how he's being perceived based upon how he's portraying himself
And absolutely, you you don't have ab understanding of the importance of consent, communication etc, then you do need to educate yourself before you embark on kink

[AKA_Copper]

1 hour ago, LittleSoulTease said:

Sorry what?

That's taking something I said completely out of context.
That was from my perspective saying if communication isn't happening or trying to understand and establish if anything else has went before sex has such as spending quality time together then yes, your sex drive also drops as a consequence from lack of a connection.
Never once did I say it was all about him or that he was entitled so don't try to dig a problem or accuse of someone genuinely trying to help.
Though that seems exactly the reason you've commented.

That comment was my sarcastic response to your comment as opposed to "this is what littlesoultease is saying"
And i'll stand by it, its the exact vibe OP is giving off

[AKA_Copper]

7 hours ago, JackGrey said:

Oh and i purposely said 'f**k off' instead of 'f**k you' because I know you mean well ♥️ Sorry, former military potty mouth. Still scrubbing it clean.

"F**k off" is essentially the collective version of "f**k you" it has no business here.

I'm guessing that in the immediate aftermath of your OP you've been busy trying to rationalise/justify your post.

I hope in time that you're able to reflect upon the comments that others have made and rather than still think "f**k off" you think, actually, maybe someone of them had a point. I hope that you realise that the thoughts we all have running through our minds dictates our behaviour and non verbal communication all the time. Think how you feel when she gets home from work, are you happy to see her, are you dreading it, another potential fight, she'll sense it.

Imagine the following;
Your wife thinking to herself, "he seems keen on this kink thing, I'll have a google"
How do you know she hasn't happened upon Fet, created a profile and has been reading through the forums, educating herself before she has a conversation with you about it. Imagine how she'd feel if she read you post. Imagine how you'd feel if she'd written the same about you. I don't care how un/likely that may be, just take a step back and think about your words/behaviour/actions