Getting wife to be submissive

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, CumbriaLeather said:

Many people have made very valid points, and others have been very off the planet too. This is like a saga. I don’t think I’ve read so many comments on a thread.

Two points that haven’t been “homed in” on, so far, are, your comment that you worked for the military, which makes me wonder whether you brought all of your behavioural attitude, learnt from work, into your home life. Work stays at work, and home starts when you leave through the main gates of work; it certainly doesn’t come into the home setting. It makes me wonder if you regiment the home, certain things expected to be done by a certain time, to a fixed standard, inspected and told to do again if not satisfactory…bullying, because that’s how you’ve been shown to interact with all adults in the workplace.

The second is, you thought she should go back to work to follow her career, and you wrote 5x12 hours! So she works a 60 hour week, and add on travelling time, plus time to get up, shower, breakfast before setting off. The other end of the day is travelling back, through whatever traffic/transportational conditions and she arrives home to someone who might well say, “here’s the kids. I’ve had them all day. You need to bath them, read stories, check out any things they tell you about, etc.” and then she can think about herself. And you wonder why she’s not responsive? She’s tired out!!! With your kids being aged 3+, that suggests that they go to nursery/kindergarten for a few hours a day. Who has the soft option in your relationship? You’re only 36, and you gave up your job in the military. I mean, is it that hard to march your 3+ year olds up and down the garden all day, carrying their kit bags, and remember to sing marching songs, and saying “Yes, Sir!” after each command uttered from daddies military mouth?

I’ve just been checking up on NPD; narcissist personality disorder. Unfortunately for you, you’re a perfect match.

You need your time with a therapist. Your wife needs her own time with one on her own, because you’d end up speaking for her, and only then, do you try to approach one together. Stop organising her. She’s every right to be fed up and unresponsive and argumentative. You don’t let her breathe. Every time she tries to do something, she’s frightened by what you might say. You’re blaming her for everything. Has she got friends whom you let her visit, on her own? Does she watch tv, that she chooses? Does she listen to music that she wants to listen to? Does she have her own cell phone so she can catch up with her friends? Does she read magazines that she wants to read? If the answer is that she doesn’t, because you consider them to be a waste of time, and she could be using it more constructively (how dare she think of herself?) then I’m sorry to say, that you need to have a long hard look in the mirror.

Your wife and the *** (she must have been interested in sex at some stage with you, possibly) are the ones who need rid of you. You’re unemotional, cold, self-centred and can’t see that you’re in the wrong. And gaslighting? Are you into that too?

Someone further down this response column mentioned, quite rightly, that there’s three sides to every story; yours, your wife’s, and the truth. We only get to see your side. But as so many people have suggested that you should look at yourself, please use the advice that people have given you, and use it well. If you can’t see anything wrong in your behaviours and expectations from your wife, you’re being too critical and have a work ethics expectation. For goodness sake, chill out, take your military edicts and stick them in the garbage. This is home life you’re dealing with. Being dominant, doesn’t mean laying the law down every two seconds. It’s showing emotional strength and support for those closest, nearest and dearest to you. Emotion doesn’t seem to feature highly in the military mind. It’s time to remove that mentality in your life. After all, you’ve retired.

Lol no... I'm an awesome dad. If fact, while I'm reasonably stern, I've never been mad at them. I won't allow it. Jeez... Service members really aren't much different than everyone else. Unfortunately, for those with PTSD, it's a different story.
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She works 8.5 hours with a 1.5 hour commute. And no i don't pass the kids off when she gets home. That doesn't go well. I cook and handle bad time, too.
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Childcare is insanely expensive here, so they're all home all day.
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I'm only trying to organize her now because I spent the last 10 years try to help her become independent. She's the type of person who won't make a move without someone directly her. Unfortunately, while I made some progress, it's not much more than a dent. I fought this mentality for a long time thinking, she's an adult, i shouldn't be helping her with every text she sends her friends or making sure she's up and ready for the day. So my thoughts now are that i should just give her to her submissive personality and try BDSM.
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For friends, i have to constantly remind her to keep in touch with them or she'll lose them.
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Again, for the military... did you serve? What kind of monsters do you think they are to make such assumptions?

[Chloebear]

1 hour ago, JackGrey said:

Just to clear something up... She absolutely still wants to have sex with me. In fact, it's almost almost her who comes on to me nowadays. But when we get into the act... It's just not what I'm looking for. I've done the romance, done the chocolates, done the massages, done the cuddling... But i want more than all that. If she doesn't, so be it. I'm mean come on, are some of you even reading what I'm writing? I WOULD NEVER *** MY WIFE TO BE A SUB. But, I HAVE decided that I'm no longer interested in not completely dominating in the bedroom - truly being myself. And if it's not for her, that's okay. She's my wife and I F**KING LOVE HER.

The sex drive thing completely contradicts your original post… which is confusing. And if you have a good sex life after a long marriage and with three young kids… you may want to count some blessings 🤣

[Chloebear]

Not a medical professional, but it sounds as if your wife may be struggling with depression. Even post-partum can last a long time… or she’s knackered.

Also a lot of us on here have ptsd. Not from military service but there are several that have from that…. Mental health awareness is pretty good in this community.

[Deleted Member]

It's not that she has no sex drive at all... It's just very minimal. Less than any other woman I've been with. So i shouldn't have said she had no drive. I dunno. But i would not say we have a good sex life at all. At best, it's once a week. But more often, it'll be a month or two. And i know that's largely my fault since I rarely have the drive to have sex with her.
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Another thing, she's the only wan I've been with that i couldn't make cum. Not that I've been with a whole lot, but usually five to ten minutes of oral works. For her, i don't know if this is normal, but her clit is extremely tiny. Like i can barely feel it's there. Either way, she says she's not a big fan of oral, but regular sex still doesn't work. I have noticed she gets closer the rougher I am. At least that's what she tells me. That's part of why I thought she'd be into it.
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And it's not that she definitely wouldn't be into it. All we've done is a little quiz app.
We're planning to talk about it tomorrow, hopefully, and talk about the stuff I bought. We'll see how it goes.
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Thanks about the Mental Health Awareness. It is very important everywhere and good to hear about here.

[Chloebear]

3 hours ago, JackGrey said:

It's not that she has no sex drive at all... It's just very minimal. Less than any other woman I've been with. So i shouldn't have said she had no drive. I dunno. But i would not say we have a good sex life at all. At best, it's once a week. But more often, it'll be a month or two. And i know that's largely my fault since I rarely have the drive to have sex with her.
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Another thing, she's the only wan I've been with that i couldn't make cum. Not that I've been with a whole lot, but usually five to ten minutes of oral works. For her, i don't know if this is normal, but her clit is extremely tiny. Like i can barely feel it's there. Either way, she says she's not a big fan of oral, but regular sex still doesn't work. I have noticed she gets closer the rougher I am. At least that's what she tells me. That's part of why I thought she'd be into it.
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And it's not that she definitely wouldn't be into it. All we've done is a little quiz app.
We're planning to talk about it tomorrow, hopefully, and talk about the stuff I bought. We'll see how it goes.
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Thanks about the Mental Health Awareness. It is very important everywhere and good to hear about here.

So… 5-10 mins of oral might not get a lot of women off. Also there are a lot of women, some say the majority, who cannot cum with just penetrative sex. It doesn’t stimulate the right areas. And, it’s not just physical, it’s a state of mind. Can she make herself cum? Could she show you? I’m going to recommend toys as well. Some can make you cum in under 30 seconds… but if she hasn’t used them it would be about experimenting. It just sounds a lot like you both need to explore together, with her giving direction. It can take over twenty minutes, maybe forty for some women to climax. That’s not forty minutes of sex, it’s foreplay.

You’re right in wanting to find out what makes her tick. Make it entirely about this. Read about it, learn together, have fun. If she starts to orgasm more I’m pretty sure you’ll both find it more bonding. I understand it can feel very difficult if you can’t do that for her… but it’s like cracking a code for women. There’s certain combinations and it just takes a bit of time. Once you’ve worked it out, it’s quicker lol. It’s not only about orgasm, you can have a lot of fun getting there. Having time to enjoy it is good in itself.

Do talk to her. Find out what she would like most, what’s her fantasy. Let her order stuff she wants and surprise you or even just for herself. I hope you can sort it out, and that she gets thousands of orgasms out of it.

To be very blunt…. Having sex without orgasm at any point ever gets frustrating, and it probably does get boring, for her too. Please buy this lady a wand 🤣

[Deleted Member]

Yeah, thanks. We'll do some exploring. 5-10 is just in the past. I've been down there 40min once. No, she can't make herself cum, but she also doesn't master ate. Lol thanks a lot. I'm gonna try all that. (Makes in very hard for me to cum when she never does!)

[Deleted Member]

Goodness gracious… my thoughts: why did u marry this woman? But now that youre married and unhappy i wish the best for u hopefully as the dom you can do just that sit her down give her a stern talk like listen youre my wife and you need to submit to your husband and please me ! Youre married so its not wrong for u to demand your pleasure or really push this on her because just tell her honestly its making u want to cheat or word it different because she doesnt please you…

[Deleted Member]

Also. Btw. Watching bdsm porn / fiest time watching it isnt a good reason to try and be a dom. Ask yourself if youre really a dom💕 no offense

[AKA_Copper]

30 minutes ago, tashadoll said:

Goodness gracious… my thoughts: why did u marry this woman? But now that youre married and unhappy i wish the best for u hopefully as the dom you can do just that sit her down give her a stern talk like listen youre my wife and you need to submit to your husband and please me ! Youre married so its not wrong for u to demand your pleasure or really push this on her because just tell her honestly its making u want to cheat or word it different because she doesnt please you…

There is no D/s dynamic at play here so it would be completely inappropriate for him to act upon your advice. She absolutely does not need to "submit" to him or "please" him simply because he's her husband.
They need to sit down and actually talk and listen to each other to determine whether this marriage is one that should continue

[Chloebear]

1 hour ago, tashadoll said:

Goodness gracious… my thoughts: why did u marry this woman? But now that youre married and unhappy i wish the best for u hopefully as the dom you can do just that sit her down give her a stern talk like listen youre my wife and you need to submit to your husband and please me ! Youre married so its not wrong for u to demand your pleasure or really push this on her because just tell her honestly its making u want to cheat or word it different because she doesnt please you…

I honestly can’t tell if you’re taking the micky. In case you’re not, women are more than just pussies. That’s right! They have many attributes!! We can talk, think… hell, some of us have hobbies. Careers!! Guess what: husbands have no right to demand pleasure, that was taken out of law some time ago. Because it’s not a modern standard. Because of women’s rights?? I mean… what else? Shall I warm his slippers and prepare a pipe? Iron the paper? I despair.

[Chloebear]

1 hour ago, tashadoll said:

Goodness gracious… my thoughts: why did u marry this woman? But now that youre married and unhappy i wish the best for u hopefully as the dom you can do just that sit her down give her a stern talk like listen youre my wife and you need to submit to your husband and please me ! Youre married so its not wrong for u to demand your pleasure or really push this on her because just tell her honestly its making u want to cheat or word it different because she doesnt please you…

TL;DR: the 50s called. They want their reply back.

[Ju****]

17 hours ago, JackGrey said:

It's not that she has no sex drive at all... It's just very minimal. Less than any other woman I've been with. So i shouldn't have said she had no drive. I dunno. But i would not say we have a good sex life at all. At best, it's once a week. But more often, it'll be a month or two. And i know that's largely my fault since I rarely have the drive to have sex with her.
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Another thing, she's the only wan I've been with that i couldn't make cum. Not that I've been with a whole lot, but usually five to ten minutes of oral works. For her, i don't know if this is normal, but her clit is extremely tiny. Like i can barely feel it's there. Either way, she says she's not a big fan of oral, but regular sex still doesn't work. I have noticed she gets closer the rougher I am. At least that's what she tells me. That's part of why I thought she'd be into it.
.
And it's not that she definitely wouldn't be into it. All we've done is a little quiz app.
We're planning to talk about it tomorrow, hopefully, and talk about the stuff I bought. We'll see how it goes.
.
Thanks about the Mental Health Awareness. It is very important everywhere and good to hear about here.

A lot of stuff regarding sex and drive seems conflicting to previous comments now.

 

You mentioned in a comment.. you thought youd give her to her submissive side and try bdsm. Again.. Thats you assuming she wants to be. 

 

Plus.. i like rough sex. Very much. That does not equal bdsm. It does not equal submissive. 

 

Its just rough sex.

 

I think theres too much just not being drilled home and still not acknowledgement on the making all decisions may not be the best thing for her. 

But carry on.. the post is getting a bit silly now i think. 

[Ju****]

1 hour ago, tashadoll said:

i wish the best for u hopefully as the dom you can do just that sit her down give her a stern talk like listen youre my wife and you need to submit to your husband and please me ! Youre married so its not wrong for u to demand your pleasure or really push this on her

 

 

A lot of internal screaming at how shocking this is. 

 

How ive read you..?

 

Women are meat

Clearly a marriage certificate means the woman needs to bend and break to please him despite being depressed or just not wanting to 🙄🙄🙄

 

I pity your mindset.

[Deleted Member]

Well, final update. I talked to my wife tonight. I told her about the affair and wanting to try a D/s relationship. There were tears, there were my apologies, but surprisingly, there was no fight. And it turns out, she's into trying BDSM. She told be she always wanted to be tied up, but was scared of the idea at the same time. We worked out how we would slowly work toward this. She said she'd even consider the Master/Slave thing and wants me to do certain things to her...
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Far too many assumptions. I know my wife better than any of you. I was nervous that, even though I believed she'd be into, that i wouldn't approach the right way. All i was looking for was a little help in that regard. Approaching the conversation with as much empathy and sensitivity as possible.
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Well, this was a tough thread to write in, but it was good to hear certain things. I certainly dont feel like this is a good community for me for now, but hopefully we can find something. Maybe I'll remake an account with her one day.
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I'll be sharing this with her for additional clarity. If anyone wants save my oppressed, unloved, 50's wife, lemme know. I'm sure she'd be happy to talk.
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Thanks again to those who weren't so judgemental.

[Chloebear]

Plenty of helpful advice on here too Jack, and in fairness some conflicting information from you and your profile also indicated other issues… the takeaway really is the importance of communication. You may well know your wife, but you didn’t know these things about her. The community is helpful but it is also protective of its values and where there is any concern about safety. There are helpful articles here. Beyond your own feelings on this, place the need for safe practice, wherever you find that information. All the best.

[ey****]

I am glad there is good news

I think to echo Chloebear - some of your comments on this thread seemed confusing or contradictory - and - I'm not sure if you made assumptions of our insight to your relationship, or whether it was having problems communicating - but - these are things you will have to work on if you are going to explore kink with your wife 

good luck to you both

[ge****]

So basically you did what the overwhelming majority of the people on the thread had suggested in one way or another and it turned out positively? That's great and I'm pleased for you and hope it works out the way *both* you and your wife want it to.
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As for the assumptions and judgements - I can only repeat what I said earlier, they weren't assumptions and judgements as such, more observations based on the information you had provided, information that changed as the thread progressed. For example, at no point until your last post did you say anything about being nervous about approaching things in the right way.
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Stick around, contrary to what you want to believe this can be, and is, an extremely supportive community, you just have to be prepared to listen at times.

[ta****]

I'm truly impressed with your dedication. I'm lying here pantyless and neglected, wishing my man would do something, anything to spice us up. I guess it's easier to get something new.

[Su****]

Hi I think this could work …. What about if she has got sex with someone else while you watch? . That someone needs to be submissive… I would suggest that you can do some role play , there is lots of kinky version of Kamasutra by the way lots of toys and tools you can use

[BruiseWayne]

I think there might be something wrong with my glasses because I know I'm supposed to see a bunch of white text on the screen when I read all of OP's posts and replies, but everything just kinda looks like this:

 

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

 

[Deleted Member]

If ur husband cant demand pleasure why marry him ? Lol oh well to each is own.

[Chloebear]

4 hours ago, tashadoll said:

If ur husband cant demand pleasure why marry him ? Lol oh well to each is own.

There’s many reasons to get married. Consent is nothing to do with it. You do you though.

[BruiseWayne]

4 hours ago, tashadoll said:

If ur husband cant demand pleasure why marry him ? Lol oh well to each is own.

🤦

 

So does anybody else wanna go back in time and stab the 1950s in the face or is it just me?

 

 

[lu****]

Talk to her about it and see what she thinks it’s about Communication

[Mr****]

Maybe try seeing what her kinks are and when you and your wife get sexy in the bedroom try teasing her kinks spots and see if that gives her pleasure or excitement, like she she likes kisses try kissing down her body and slowly breathing or kiss down her body with an ice cube in your mouth