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Cuckolding, for the interested


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The recent article about Cuckolding seemed to have sparked some interest in the lobby chat. Now, in my opinion the article was good, there was no misinformation and it provided a good first look at the dynamic, but I felt there was more that could be said on the topic.
I've been.. enticed by a person very important to me to write something up, so that will be my venture for today.

To get some things out of the way:

  • this is not meant as a jab at the recent magazine article, it might have only scratched the surface of the topic at hand, but it also sparked interest and inspired discussion and exchange among the community, so it fulfilled it's purpose perfectly
  • I will repeat things stated in the article, to make it as coherent as possible and for people who have not read it
  • cuckolding is not always based or rooted in a Femdom dynamic, but it wasn't really fitting for the BDSM sub forum either, so I put it here
  • I only recently got into kink and my practical experience is limited, but I have been into cuckolding for many years now and read up about it, to learn what the heck I was into and why
  • I will explain the dynamic from the perspective of the cuck, since I can talk from first hand experience, so this whole thing could turn out rather one-sided
  • take everything I say here with a (huge) grain of salt, I can speak mostly from my own feelings and experiences, but a big part of it is theoretical knowledge 
  • I don't claim to be an expert, I will state what I find myself feeling and thinking to be true 
  • sorry this will be long
  • English is not my first/native language, but I am thankful for any guidance and constructive criticism, not only limited to my writing of course

So what is cuckolding? 
Same as swinging and polyamory, cuckolding goes against the established social convention of monogamy and thus seems a bit outlandish and the appeal of it is not always very clear. It's a complicated topic to wrap one's head around. I will explain it by taking two different approaches, the dynamic and the emotional/instinctual aspect of it. I will explain with the aid of the most common and traditional setup, consisting of the husband and the wife with her bull. You can interchange those roles (male, female, heterosexual, bi etc) however it would fit your own setup and dynamic, of course.

Cuckolding basically means, in the traditional sense, the husband watches his wife have sex with another man. That other man is usually referred to as the 'bull'. The connection here coming from cattle breeding, where usually only one bull is used to mate with and breed many cows.

The husband in that setup is known as the 'cuckold' or simply 'cuck'/'cucky' and the wife is commonly referred to as 'hotwife'. Those terms and names vary with different dynamics, same as there are many different addresses for a Domme or her sub.

The whole dynamic is widely misunderstood and falsely/badly represented in porn and media, not unusual for most kink fetishes. Same as 50 Shades of Grey is probably the worst first introduction into BDSM. It doesn't have anything to do with the real thing. 

Now most porn would have you believe that this scenario consists of the pathetic loser of a husband, that can't satisfy his wife and the wife cheating on her husband with a superior male, all the while ridiculing and humiliating her cuckold, leaving him sobbing in a corner while she and her bull go about their business.

I am not saying this never happens, but that is not how it works long term and is not how you stay healthy and safe in your
relationship or dynamic.  So let me first explain the dynamic behind it.

Most cuckolding dynamics are based on top of a established FemDom dynamic or a female led relationship (FLR). This alone should make it clear that cuckolding is also based on trust and a deeper understanding with each other. The same rules also apply to it. Trust, limits, aftercare. For it to be healthy and work long term the same things have be taken into consideration as for any other practiced kink dynamic.

The whole background of the dynamic is based on the principles of tease, denial, rejection and humiliation. The cuckold (sub) desires his hotwife (domme) very much. But she denies him, as part of their dynamic simply because she can or there is a justification for it. The most common one is that her cuck is inadequate as a man to satisfy her properly. But that isn't always the case. A Domme can deny her sub even if he is perfectly capable of satisfying her, simply as a part of a scene or foreplay for example, which sometimes is even more intense in it's nature of control she exerts over him. He is perfectly capable but she still denies him, because she can.

Now when the cuck desires his Hotwife, but she is denying him and gives herself to another man instead, the weight and the intensity of the symbolism behind that gesture becomes clearer. She denies him and makes him watch another man enjoying what he so desperately desires. Having to endure that is a heavy emotional and sexual cocktail for the cuckold. It is an intense tease, it is humiliation, it is utter denial and rejection and it also a significant display of her dominance and control over him.
But it doesn't stop there. Most couples that practice that lifestyle also have to employ after-care. I hope it has become apparent how intense the emotions involved in cuckolding are or can be and thus after-care is essential and crucial if one wishes to stay in a healthy relationship and retain a healthy mind.

That after-care could be in the form of the cuckold 'reclaiming' his Hotwife, meaning the hottest sex the couple ever experienced, the desire involved can be explosive. It's the same principle, among others, that makes swinging so widely attractive and thrilling. 
Or in some cases the couples cuddles all night and fall asleep in each others arms. The after-care takes on many different forms, as is true for any fetish practiced, but it always focused around re-establishing the love and bond between the cuckold and his Hotwife, both in sexual and emotional nature. 

Now the interesting part here is, that in some cases being in the role of the bull can suck very much. A bull is basically used and then sent away after he did his job, or leaves the next day and the Hotwife return to her waiting cuckold. That can obviously work for some men, but not for everyone. Being a bull means providing something and then becoming obsolete for a while. Cuckolding could also be seen as a form of foreplay, before the actual relevant act for the couple. That, of course, varies between couples and dynamics involved.

For example the cuck does not always have to be subservient or inferior to the bull. It can be perfectly normal when the Bull is a good friend of the couple and mutual respect the basis for the arrangement, it could also be a role-play and thus intense foreplay, maybe even with interchangeable roles, one evening the Bull is the cuck and vice versa. The general outline is there, what you make out of it and what works for your individual dynamic is entirely up to you.

I don't think I need to convince you that sexuality is deeply rooted in basic instincts and the emotions involved can be rather intense and overwhelming.

Humans are animals and most animals have basic needs, all serving the purpose of the survival of the species. Instincts involving that are that of males wanting to reproduce, passing on their genes and establishing a legacy and a lasting impact on the world before they die.

In a time where humans mostly lived in tribal societies (times of the hunter and gatherer), it wasn't unusual for a female to have multiple males mate her until she falls pregnant. Monogamy wasn't exactly the norm then. Sexual intercourse had to be quick, left the participants vulnerable and open to attack and generally was a lot more primal in nature. Males select females based in certain criteria, not unlike the dating game works today. Healthy skin, ample breasts, developed hips. The preferences may very, of course. When there is one such female it's not surprising that multiple males would desire to chose her for giving birth to their offspring. So we have competition among the males. That is true for many animals in packs. Usually a hierarchy or pecking order is established. The terms of Alpha and Beta males come to mind. Alpha male being the single male allowed to mate with the females, with Beta males having to watch on. I hope you see where I am going.

Now if one males sees another male mate with his desired female of choice, there is a basic survival instinct kicking in that is called the 'sperm competition effect'.

What does this do?
When a male sees his desired female being jumped, his own desire for her skyrockets, his sperm production goes into overdrive and he gets the strong urge to push that other male off of her, plunge into her himself and depositing his own seed deep into her, thus securing his own genes being passed on instead of his competition. This instinct is retained in males/men to this day. This behaviour can be observed in primates, too.

And that is the emotional cocktail that gets evoked in a cuckold watching his Hotwife having intercourse with another man. But the important part here is; we are indoctrinated to adhere to monogamy all our life. Thus seeing that scenario unfold before his eyes, the cuckold also is assaulted by a myriad of negative emotions. Those same emotions felt by any other "vanilla" male not really into the whole cuckolding thing. A husband coming home early after work, catching his wife in bed with another man elicits obvious emotions. Anger, sadness, despair, jealousy, hurt and the feeling of utter betrayal. But some men also find themselves getting hard in that situation. That is the 'sperm competition effect' kicking in. Now most men find themselves utterly disgusted by themselves, why would they get hard in such a nightmarish situation? This is all requires some degree of desire for his wife, of course. A husband who couldn't care less or is stuck in a strained or failing marriage might feel less of impact of this instinct and more the urge to reach for the nearest weapon. Cuckolding also feels very emasculating, a feeling most men have no idea how to handle but with aggression.

The cuckold has to deal with a literal storm of negative and positive emotions raging inside him, thus cuckolding can be very confusing and utterly overwhelming. One thing to take into consideration is, the vast majority of the positive emotions felt are to one part due to the 'sperm competition effect', to another part due to his desire, a sexual high and his submission to his Hotwife (Domme). That all is based on his sexual energy. The problem here can be, when that sexual energy dissipates, for example when the cuckold cums in the middle of the scene while watching. The sexual energy is then gone, the submission felt is less, most likely he also loses his sub mind space in the process and is then left under the assault of all the negative emotions. That can be very dangerous. Those are hard emotions to take head on and recover from. It all depends on the dynamic, the people involved and the situation, of course, but that is something to keep in mind. In most cases of successfully lead cuckold relationships, the cuckold never comes until after the Bull is gone. Or the cuckold is even kept chaste in a chastity device. Most chastity training dynamics in Femdom inevitably lead to cuckolding, but don't have to, of course. Or cuckolding relationship in turn lead to male chastity. It all incorporates and compliments each other rather nicely, so most times they go hand in hand. It is also a very strong cocktail to be locked, pent up and not even allowed a proper erection while having to watch another men enjoying your own Domme for himself. And she is making you watch. It is intense, sexual and intensely emotional.

At the basis of all that is a strong and honest relationship between the cuckold and his Hotwife. There is jealousy involved, denial, rejection. Without a relationship that can take those things and still be healthy, it won't work out in the long run. Again, after-care here helps the sub deal with those negative emotions and be soothed by the love and attention of his Hotwife. Same is true for the Hotwife of course. Paying attention to her cuckold and being reclaimed helps her deal with potential feelings of guilt, pity and sometimes even resentment. It is not easy to not think less of a cuckold as man and partner in a relationship while doing those thing with another man. 

A cuckold, same as a sub, go through a whole lot emotionally while living out that lifestyle or playing in a scene. But the very same is also true for the Hotwife/Domme. Sub drop as well as Dom(me) drop are very prevalent issues in cuckolding, thus after-care is more important than ever.

Since I just touched upon the topic, a word on male chastity, what it means and how it works.
The male sex drive is very linear and binary, 1 and 0, hot and cold. Sexual arousal leading into stimulation which thus in turn leads to a literal climax, then the drop-off and cool-down afterwards. Males normally can't achieve multiple orgasms or long lasting orgasms like women are capable of. There are ways, but they are outside of the scope of this.

But there is one way for a man to achieve a constant sexual high, that can be very fulfilling and even substitute for an orgasm that would otherwise lead to a complete down in sexual energy. That method is male chastity.  But how does that work and how does it affect the chaste sub? 

In most cases the chastity device is a ring, not unlike a cock ring, that encloses around the penis and scrotum, thus securing the whole package. On that ring a small tube is fixed in which the penis, in its flaccid state, snugly fits in. That whole device is somehow locked in place via a padlock. When the sub now gets aroused, he can't get hard properly, the tube gets pushed away from his body by his growing attempted erection, which in turn pulls on the ring that presses on his balls. It actively discourages erections but won't stop them completely. It can be painful but mostly is just unpleasant, aside from the tease, the frustration, the build up desire and the itch that just can't be scratched. 

Keeping a male chaste has the purpose to keep him docile, induce a long lasting sexual high and put him deep into sub space that he wouldn't otherwise be able to achieve, maybe only after prolonged sexual arousal and teasing. The male transitions from being solely focused on his immediate sexual gratification to being constantly aroused and refocusing his desire and effort to pleasing whoever has control over his lock-up. At some point the male sub is constantly, pleasantly and subtly aroused, in a constant sub mind space and completely refocuses his own sexual energy on the pleasure of his Domme. The first 3 days in chastity is the core transitioning phase and thus the hardest on the sub. It only gets somewhat easier from there, but not less frustrating. The male sub mind get's literally re-programmed and more suiting to a sub/Domme dynamic. That is the only way, I know of, to get into a long lasting sexual high that is normally only experienced by women. Think of it as a very prolonged and extended foreplay. Being kept in chastity long term can be a symbol of deep devotion and pride for a sub, same as enduring a vigorous punishment/funishment and thus pleasing his Domme. The Domme takes control of the very essence of her male sub, his sexuality and masculinity.

There are a myriad of benefits of male chastity for the Domme and the relationship/dynamic as a whole:

  • stopping him from taking his Domme for granted or ignoring her needs (eg. topping from the bottom)
  • encouraging him to be more attentive and be considerate of her desires
  • spicing up their sex life with an intimate secret that only the two of them share
  • satisfying her sexually in the she wants him to, as and when she needs it
  • returning the romance to their relationship as by helping him rediscover the art of wooing
  • peace of mind that he won't be tempted by pornography or other women (if that even is an issue)
  • unprompted help around the house without any need to nag or scold (in terms of 24/7 or even TPE)
  • exciting, erotic fun that'll add new depths to all aspects of their relationship (it will always be present on his mind, reinforcing his renewed focus on his Domme)

As for the sub himself, he takes away a bunch of benefits helping him being a better sub:

  • a subtle yet inexorable motivation to do the right thing
  • freedom from temptation and the guilt that results from succumbing to it
  • powerful, intense orgasms - admittedly less frequent, but far more satisfying
  • an enhanced, invigorated intimacy that leaves him constantly charged with sexual energy rather than feeling drained and weak
  • a naughty secret that will remind him of his Domme wherever he is
  • the relaxation that comes from allowing himself to surrender control and submit sexually, particularly if he is expected to take charge in the rest of his life
  • a sense of achievement when his efforts to earn his release finally pay off
  • a greater understanding of her needs and desires, leading to a stronger, deeper relationship and dynamic

It should be said that a dynamic involving chastity training is rather high maintenance in nature, though. The Domme can't just lock him up and leave him to himself. His sexual high has a upkeep, achieved through teasing, temptation and interaction. Some subs into chastity explicitly like to be ignored and left forgotten, but that is a minority among this niche fetish. A neglected chaste sub loses all the benefits chastity would otherwise provide and just leaves him frustrated, resentful and annoyed. I like to say, if the Domme wants his cum to do the work, she has to keep it churning in those denied balls. Otherwise it has the completely opposite effect.

How and when to release a chaste sub and grant him orgasms is also an aspect that can be adjusted and varied fitting every different dynamic behind it. Some like to set strict time frames, some couples prefer to make his release dependant on things, be that the pleasure of the Domme (for every 10 orgasms she has, her sub gets 1) or personal growth of the sub (for every achievement in his life, work, sub training, he would be granted an orgasm). Infractions could add time to the subs lock-up or good behaviour and achievements could subtract time of his chastity sentence. The important part here, the sub needs some kind of outline or frame for his time spend in chastity. It is always up the whims of his Domme, obviously, but leaving it completely open and without context can be problematic. That would leave the chaste sub in a constant state of anticipation. He will expect some kind of results from his deeds and interactions, be that punishment and more time locked or an early release. If he is in such constant state of anticipation he will inevitably be constantly disappointed in his expectations, thus making the whole dynamic sour and negatively frustrating. But every couple and dynamic can explore that options that fit them best, the are no limits to creativity (and deviousness) in that regard.

Another important aspect is the chastity device used. 
There is a colourful variety of devices available with a similar variety of price ranges. Usually any devices, especially steel devices below 50€/£, are perfectly fine for short time wear or use solely for a session, but the sub will most likely run into issues when trying to wear them long term. Build quality, hygiene, safety and practicality are the key aspects one should consider. A metal device might be the most appealing visually, but really good metal devices often have to be custom made and their price range jumps up starting at 200€/£. Silicone/plastic/resin devices are a good place to start. The CB models are an industry standard, offer plenty of modifications and options and are generally well spent money (around 100€/£). Low price metal devices often times have a bad fit, bad build quality or nonsensical design (burrs, grates, sharp edges, hinges near sensitive places) that make them impossible to wear just over night. Some devices come with inbuilt or integrated locks, thus eliminating any noise or clicking caused by the padlock in day-to-day life or while doing physical activities. Some devices fulfil their purpose not well enough, are easily es-capable, the sub could pull out or get off if he wanted to or the device is not restricting enough. The right fit and size is crucial for long time wear.

Think of a chastity device like a ring, piercing or jewellery, they need some getting used to and the body and mind has to adjust, but at some point they will forget they are even there. But they also have the subtleties of finding the perfect fitting shoe. Every body (and male bits) are different and thus not every device will do the trick.

Like anything kink, start slow, take breaks, health and safety should always come first. Wearing chastity long term requires training and effort, the biggest issues will actually be skin irritations and chafing, shaving and proper hygiene.

Since tease and denial is the very focus of this fetish, incorporating cuckolding can be a very intense experience. The ultimate tease and the ultimate denial in one, so to speak. Some couples like to only release the sub after the Domme has been with her Bull, or if that is too frequent they cuddle and explore each other all night, with a highly sexually charged sub being putty in the hands of his Domme. Their dynamic (and love in the case of a relationship) can thus transcend sex and sexuality and is said to create a connection and bond between sub/cuck and Domme/Hotwife of unprecedented depth and intensity.
But as with everything kink, your results may vary.

Terminology and Popularity of Cuckolding in recent times
Cuckolding seems to be on the rise. According to search results on popular porn sites, cuckolding gets increasingly popular. Not overwhelmingly, of course, but there is a trend. One also can see it brought up frequently, if out of context to be fair, in public or popular social media. The terms Alpha and Beta get thrown around a lot these days, same as 'cuck' meant as to be an insult. In those cases, Alpha meaning a dominant male, that gets all the women (jokingly referred to as Chad, a jock or the like) and the Beta male, being left out, a reject or a 'nice guy' permanently left in the friend-zone. All stereotypes and made up categories, thrown around by people who don't know what they really mean.

That is due to the rising popularity of the cuckolding fetish, that is often times the result of more women taking control in their relationship (FLR) which in turn is the result of emancipation and the evolving nature of our current society. Another reason why cuckolding gets more and more popular is the ever increasing consumption of porn, due to the rapid rise of the internet and readily available porn all over the net. Boys and men start watching pornographic material starting at an early age, thus being in the position of the audience or observer for many years before their own first sexual experiences. The normal "vanilla" setups and porn quickly lose their appeal and thrill and more specific material is sought out, often leading to FemDom, interracial porn and the like, because they are the most opposite and unusual to our perceived societal norms or even represent a taboo in past years. Everything opposite, unusual and new is the most thrilling, thus leading down a rabbit hole that has to come out somewhere. With cuckolding as a fetish being one of the more usual results. 

Another reason would be social media, everyone is exposed to other people's high light reels, comparing their own daily life to such a high standard that leaves many (young) people discouraged, even depressed or anxious. That in turn can lead to a loss of self confidence, optimism and results in a defeatist, passive mindset that also affects dating and social interaction with the opposite sex. There cuckolding or being a Beta male could pose to be a comfortable or inevitable or even inescapable role to strive in. But I don't want to go down that route of discussion here. 

There should also be said, cuckolding is not limited to the setup described thus far. There are also sub women enjoying seeing their Dom enjoying himself with another woman. Those are also known as 'cuckqueens' or 'cuckqueans'. Now women in those roles don't feel the reaction of the 'sperm competition effect' that males do, obviously, but their emotional bond and their submission dynamic to their Dom can still make this work, very well even. The focus here will be mostly on the tease, the denial and the domination exerted and the submission displayed. A lot of the time the female sub becomes insane with desire and anticipation having to watch her Sir doing thing with another woman she wants done her as well. Or will have them done to her afterwards. For some it is an intense foreplay, for others part of their tease and denial dynamic.

I personally am not versed in the Bisexual and Homosexual aspects of kink very much, so I would be interested if there are similar dynamics existent between gay couples, I would be very surprised if there weren't.

Swinging, Polyamory, Cuckolding and more
Cuckolding shares a lot of similarities and similar aspects of swinging and polyamory. But there are distinct differences and all the categories sometimes bleed in and out of each other fluently or blend together entirely.
Let's talk swinging first.

In swinging a couple changes sex partners with another couple or more people. Basically a foursome with everyone interchanged. That can involve straight couples switching wives, in essence, or Bi/homosexual couples going the extra mile in the mix-up. In swinging everyone is on the same page and on the same terms, usually everyone is perfectly friendly with each other and everyone operates on eye-level with each other. There are variants of course, as always, but that is the classic vanilla get-up. If there are more dynamics introduced like subs and Dom(me)s it can quickly lead more into cuckolding than swinging, strictly speaking. But usually swinging is more on the vanilla side, comparatively speaking.

Polyamory is also quite different.
Where jealousy, tease and denial play a major role in cuckolding, jealousy in general is toxic for a healthy poly relationship. Poly requires well adjusted mature individuals. Some people (especially subs) have to deal with insecurities, doubts, inferiority complexes and the like and are utterly unfit for polyamory, myself personally included.

I don't know the first thing about poly, really, but I can already tell from the outline I would be unfit and Poly requires a lot more than I could take or am comfortable with. The approaches to cuckolding and poly are inherently different, even though it might look similar from the outside.

The end
So, those were my bits and pieces I had to or rather felt the need to add. I hope this proved insightful to some or confirms thoughts to others. I would be thankful for anyone with more experience to add to this or clarify some of the things that might not be entirely as I understood them myself.  I probably forgot something, oh well.

Happy kinky-ing!



nice job Tom. very informative. thank you very much.
An exceptionally well written piece on this subject...all the more so with English not being your first language. Very interesting, very well explained & gone into, I'm sure it will prove invaluable to many people. Enjoyed reading this immensely.

Thank you both, and everyone who liked this so far.
I'm a bit irked I can't edit it for all the spelling errors and mistakes here and there, but oh well.
I am glad that me rambling about a topic near and dear to my heart could be of use to someone.


Congratulations on this well written and insightful piece. Your love for the subject shines through.


Very well written and informative as I'm a male sub most time and enjoy cuckolding or being cucked

On 10/14/2018 at 6:44 PM, SubOptimalTom said:

I'm a bit irked I can't edit it for all the spelling errors and mistakes here and there, but oh well.


Outstanding article! Maybe next time use the free version of Grammarly to autocorrect as you go.

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