Trauma survivors: Do you find kink helpful?

[Th****]

Greetings my fellow freaky peeps! Lol. This is a question I often ponder because I know for me the answer is a definite yes. I'm a trauma survivor (ten years of marriage pretty much being held prisoner in my own home) and I was always curious about kink back then but never ever brought it up to my husband because I would never have been able to trust him not to take things too far. Our marriage was very vanilla for that reason and for the last couple of years virtually intimacy free. I couldn't stand to give my body to someone who treated me that way. I finally got out and away from the *** 5 years ago, and I haven't looked back. It took a while before I even wanted to pursue anything intimate because I was really screwed up when I first got away from him. But once I sort of figured out who I was again I began to explore. I was SO naive in the beginning and it definitely made for some not so great experiences. But I guess that's how you learn. And what I've discovered is that through that trial and error I learned a lot about myself, and I learned more about what I could improve on. Not just in the bedroom (it's pretty much unanimous that I'm pure f*ckin magic there lmao 🤣) but in my everyday life and how I interact with people. I learned to be more assertive and speak up when I want something. I learned NOT to be so damned trusting lol, but also learned what to look for in a trustworthy person. I learned not to chase people or go out of my way to keep certain people in my life, because if they genuinely wanted to be there they'd find the time. I learned not to let people push me around. Among other important lessons. But it also made me realize that there were things from the past that weren't my fault, and I really wasn't the selfish, naggy b*tch my ex husband always made me out to be. In short I discovered my worth. To a point anyway. It's still a process and I certainly have my moments of doubt just like anyone else. I'm nowhere near as healed as I want or need to be, but I'm getting there. And for the first time in a pretty long time, I see progress. I still have quite a bit of trauma to work through, and there are some things that even now, more than 5 years after the fact I can't even bring myself to think about because they're still just too raw. but being able to look back at how far I've come already come gives me hope and makes working through the rest of it little by little less overwhelming. I suppose I just want to know if any other trauma survivors have experienced the same thing. Honestly kink has been the most helpful of all the self help type things I've tried. It took a bit to even come to terms with that, because my whole life kinky things were always seen as "weird" or "bad" and not something to be talked about. So when I actually saw positive things happening as a result of my deviance lol, I was a little surprised. At first I thought I was more screwed up than I originally thought 🤔. But I've since realized that when it comes to healing from trauma there is no right or wrong way to do it. You just use whatever works for you, and if that happens to be something unconventional that's okay too. Looking forward to hearing what others might have to say on the topic. Never in a million years did I think that being tied up and having ungodly things done to me would help me grow as a person but here we are lol! And to anyone else who may be suffering just know that I see you. And know that healing is possible, even when it doesn't seem like it, and if that healing hurts like hell? Well that just means you're doing it right. Much love to all of you!💞

[gr****]

👏

[Ho****]

Wow that’s an incredible story and I I know how hard it is to move past trauma and live your life through the lens of your past trauma to everyone and anyone who reads these posts these messages I wonder how Many of you fall in this category and further I wonder if any of you would be willing to share your story. I am a hypnotherapist a kinky one when it comes to the fun stuff with consent of course but the reality is I do actually perform hypnotherapy specializing in trauma if anyone here would like to share their story, if anyone here would like to break the cycle, or if anyone here would like to heal please reach out to me. Serious offer.

[ge****]

Not particularly a trauma survivor - some minor experiences when I was younger may have shaped the person I am but they were negligible by comparison to those that truly have suffered - but do want to say well done to you for how far you have come, and what you have achieved, and for having the courage to open up here - the first step in self-help is recognising you need it, and you've clearly more than achieved that.
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Long may it continue too.
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One question, do you think the trauma you have sadly experienced is reflected in your kinks? Something I find interesting is often those that have suffered in some way, actually turn to similar experiences almost as a way of embracing the original trauma. Not sure if I've been clear there, and apologies if anything I have said is in any way triggering - it's not the intent in the slightest.
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To use my own minor example - as a fairly young child I was regularly given OTK spankings as a punishment by a step-father I despise to this day, and often with minimal reason - yet now I crave being spanked that way, and see it as me embracing it, rather than recoiling from it.

[ja****]

Bondage or bdsm can be the***utic in some ways. It can be ironically “freeing” to be tied up because it ***s your brain to focus on that rather than your life worries. I know some doms request doll subs specifically to use as tools to talk about their feelings to someone who has no choice but to silently listen. Keep exploring and finding what makes you happy! If you feel like it’s helping, you should stick with it!

[Deleted Member]

To be honest, I didn't even know my kinks reflected my traumas for the longest time. It's just a weird subconscious way to cope I think

[Deleted Member]

It definitely has! So first of all, I will try to keep this not trigger warning but I advise reading this for anyone.

So I have survived all kinds of *** (the 3 of them) since pretty much always. I believe having experienced those things made me very, very hypersexual. I believe that being capable of exploring my body throughly, experimenting with it, finding new kinks... It gave me some sort of... Freedom? Not like running away from my problems. It just made me feel like I had control over my body, which I guess makes sense.

I've only had a few partners in my life so it wasn't like I had to have everyone in my sight either... But I have been told I am amazing in bed which also gives you some sort of control. I guess this sense of control is what finally put some sense of order in my previous chaotic life. I used to be a mess mentally but I can say that I have finally healed now.

And sex is way better than ever. My body has somehow became more sensitive than it is ever been. I can orgasm 20 times in a row if I want to. I am very happy with this, to be honest.

So yeah, I'd say sex and kinks gave me a moment to process what was going on with me, my emotions and my body. Gives you self-awareness.

Edited August 11, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

I think your private parts and your belly that shout the loudest and longest to your brain. Everything that happens in a persons lifetime willl more than likely have links in the mind to food and sex. Your mind will mix and match the images especially if you masturbate in bed in a dark room with only your brain to provide the images you need to make yourself orgasm.

You need new or different images otherwise if used all the time the same images lose their effectiveness. So your brain will create those new images and variations.

[mi****]

The fact that Kink or six or a combination of the both and the connection to trauma is very common I believe just like alcohol or *** Gambling or shopping or any kind of impulse maybe not impulse but activities that have an element of stress relief is where I connect or attribute kink or sex to a lifestyle or an activity or an opportunity to relieve the trauma that’s going on in your life. Share your thoughts…

[ve****]

Well, I wouldn't say it "helps" me with my trauma in particular. Maybe with my self confidence and stress tho? I try not to blend my kinks and my trauma in my brain. I understand that my trauma and illnesses definitely impact my sexual preferences, but I do not like the idea of kinky sex/sex in general having a place in my life as a "bid for control" or a way to "free myself" and prefer to see it as just a good time. I seek out interesting and stimulating experiences in all aspects of my life, which leads me to interesting and stimulating sex. I try not to strengthen connections between those two parts of my mind much further than that. If I notice my trauma is messing with how I feel about sex I just step away for a while and deal with my trauma on its own. I've found that it's helped me feel more "in control" of my sexuality to see it that way I guess. I'm just having fun and being true to my own boundaries and desires and my trauma is its own area of my brain. I was always scared of my trauma ruining or messing with my sexuality so I've always been working against that

[Th****]

5 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Not particularly a trauma survivor - some minor experiences when I was younger may have shaped the person I am but they were negligible by comparison to those that truly have suffered - but do want to say well done to you for how far you have come, and what you have achieved, and for having the courage to open up here - the first step in self-help is recognising you need it, and you've clearly more than achieved that.
.
Long may it continue too.
.
One question, do you think the trauma you have sadly experienced is reflected in your kinks? Something I find interesting is often those that have suffered in some way, actually turn to similar experiences almost as a way of embracing the original trauma. Not sure if I've been clear there, and apologies if anything I have said is in any way triggering - it's not the intent in the slightest.
.
To use my own minor example - as a fairly young child I was regularly given OTK spankings as a punishment by a step-father I despise to this day, and often with minimal reason - yet now I crave being spanked that way, and see it as me embracing it, rather than recoiling from it.

I completely agree, and psychologically the reason for that is actually pretty crazy from what I've read. Basically your mind goes to similar experiences because change is scary, and to cope your brain will automatically seek out things that are familiar in order to feel safe. Our trauma, while awful, to a lot of us for a very long time was all we knew. So therefore it makes sense in a twisted sort of way that the brain would revert to that for some sense of fulfillment. It will find comfort in things that used to hurt you simply because they are familiar. I once had a psychologist tell me that of all the amazing things the human mind can do, it can be incredibly stupid at times. Truer words were never spoken lol

[Da****]

As a friend to trauma survivors, you are a strong woman for sharing your past and learning from it..Mat you continue to do so.. I wish you all the best in your search...

[Traumatized]

Short answer is yes.
Long answer : is it’s just empowering to see and understand myself and my trauma. Learning and growing.

[te****]

Congratulations 👏👏, wishing you well on your journey 🤗

[po****]

Definitely.

[Al****]

I spent seven years with a Domme who basically held me prisoner as well I wish our relationship was vanilla because lines were crossed constantly and as a trauma survivor yes Kink is helpful even when my trauma completely scarred me and some things I use to like I no longer want and Im realizing every day that the woman who was in that relationship was murmured because I felt that part of me die in that relationship and I’ll never be the person I was when I met her.

[Azriel6x3]

TW: SA and Child ***

I definitely think so. I'm a SA survivor. Was kinda passed around as a kid up until I was about 15 with 2 seperate instances of being drugged after. Kink, specifically things like CNC have definitely helped me cope and kind of own my trauma.

[be****]

Definite yes for me!

[TyP99]

Yes absolutely! Kink is a way for me to take back control of my body. As a sub I find I’m able to reenact some of my trauma in a way that makes me feel in control.
Also, kink massively improved my ability to communicate and deal with my trauma, to accept my sexual appetite despite my past etc etc.
Kink has helped in so many more ways too, but those are the top ways I find kink has helped me through trauma.

[ve****]

(speaking as a survivor of csa as well as multiple other SA traumas) Well, I wouldn't
say it "helps" me with my trauma in particular. Maybe with my self confidence and stress tho? I think that Kinky sex is definitely empowering for anyone regardless of their trauma because it is sexual liberation and we live in an extremely sexually repressed world, especially for survivors of SA who often deal with a LOT of repression, shame, ***, etc. I don't think kink really changed my personal relationship with my trauma in a significant way however.

I try not to blend my kinks and my trauma in my brain. I understand that my trauma and illnesses definitely have some impact on my psychology and my sexual preferences, but I do not like the idea of kinky sex/sex in general having a strong place in my life as a "bid for control" or a way to "free myself" from something else and prefer to see it as just a good time. My trauma definitely made me more hyper-sexual than I probably would have been otherwise, but I don't think it influenced my kinks very directly.
I just have a high sex drive and generally seek out interesting and stimulating experiences in all aspects of my life, which leads me to interesting and stimulating sex.

I never grew to become a "sub" or a "Dom", I am a switch who gets enjoyment from both roles. I explore and have pure fun. I don't have an impulse to mesh with my trauma or embrace my trauma sexually, so most of my kinks are not directly related to it at all or are "opposite" of what I experienced during trauma.

I try not to strengthen connections between those two parts of my mind much further than that. If I notice my trauma is messing with how I feel about sex I just step away for a while and deal with my trauma on its own. I've found that it's helped me feel more "in control" of my sexuality and trauma to treat it that way I guess. I'm just having fun and being true to my own boundaries and desires and my trauma is its own area of my brain. I was always scared of my trauma mixing too much with my sexuality so I've always been working against that.

[Ja****]

Believe it or not I do actually, after everything I've been through my entire life, after all of the trauma I have gone through. The beauty of some Life style gives me a sense of comfort and security, knowing that I can experience the things that I want and half the power to stop at any time or have the power to communicate exactly what it is that I want. But consent especially helps.

[Da****]

As a survivor of SA and an abusive marriage I find that Kink has definitely been a welcomed addition to my life. I have learned so much about myself and how strong I truly am. I have learned that I have a voice and my voice matters. BDSM is my outlet and way of self expression. I look at everyday as a day of healing and of growth.

[Ba****]

As a sa survivor (and domestic), kink does help me.
It helps me gain "control" in the situation. If I don't like something knowing that I can say stop and they'll listen to me just makes it easier to take back things that my ***r took from me. I have a say in how far it goes. Its helped immensely in my own healing. (Even if its just me slipping into little space for a few minutes at night.)

[Deleted Member]

I think it gives you even more strength and your ***r gets forever weaker ♥️

[Deleted Member]

I agree, kink is an alternative world where it’s your safe place and your in control of your own desires and fantasies. Also rediscovering yourself in a pleasurable way.