Experience

[Deleted Member]

I'm not new to bdsm but am trying new things. We tried contact play(face slapping) with cnc type feel to it. It got out of hand. I got hurt from being hit in the wrong places. I got a slight concussion and a bruised wind pipe. I was too stubborn to say my safe word. It scared us both. How do you move past a experience like this?
Don't come at me about my daddy should always be in control. We are both at fault. He trusts me to tell him when it's too much. We e are trying to move on and learn from it.

[Ja****]

Go back a couple step, now you know your hard limit. So the goal now is to work it out, now when you do it again call the safe word much earlier, he also will be softer anyway at first and keep pushing till you feel your limit is close and then stop every time add a level of intensity

[th****]

You need to communicate better. If your daddy trusts you to say the safe word when it’s too much you need to say the safe word when it’s too much. I’m sure he loves you and he didn’t want to hurt you but you gotta advocate for yourself otherwise how’s he gonna know if something is beyond your limit?

[LittleKelly]

Take it step by step try using ur safe word in non sexual situations so you know you can say it and then just take it slow again build the trust back and reasearch there are lots of videos out there saying where to slap and chock how tie rope ect to avoid vital parts and injuries

[le****]

I’m just sorry you had this experience at all.

[Deleted Member]

I think rather then phrase it as "we are both at fault" its better to say "no one was at fault". If you're wanting to continue this type of thing, then just view this as a learning experience, albeit a very tough learning experience.
While I'm sure you already knew that your safe word was important, experiencing this kind of accident truly shows you the importance.

I can't say this from experience, but I would imagine moving past something like this will take a lot of patience. If I were in his shoes, I would honestly be overly cautious for a while. Probably checking on you more than normal, and be scared at first to be too rough. But that will pass over time as you continue to be more comfortable with it.

One thing I might recommend for you, and again this is just trying to put myself in his shoes, is for a while, use your safe word before you think you actually need to. This would help reassure him that you will for sure let him know when things might be going too far.
Once he has that reassurance, he won't feel as worried about being more rough because he will feel comfortable that you will let him know if its an issue.

[Deleted Member]

38 minutes ago, LittleKelly said:

Take it step by step try using ur safe word in non sexual situations so you know you can say it and then just take it slow again build the trust back and reasearch there are lots of videos out there saying where to slap and chock how tie rope ect to avoid vital parts and injuries

I like this

[MasterWakka]

More physical play always has risks, without been there it is hard to comment. It is a good time to step back and reflect. Never rely on a safe word always have other signals such as a hand gesture. Don't rush back into cnc and faceslapping without first easing back into it. He needs to learn how to read you as you are in the vulnerable place. Equally you need to be in a clear mind set of how to handle it and communicate as well. It's obviously easier said than done. I've done a lot of very heavy edge plan and cnc. Just have a clear plan and have a good back out and care plan if needed.

[Im****]

It’s a learning curve, just be more both be more careful next time and learn from this experience. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with safe wording for any reason, I’ve safe worded to get my restraints adjusted 😅 But yeah don’t let it put it you off, let it improve your game 😁

[ge****]

First thing to do is for both of you to stop/not beat yourself up about it - it happened and you both learned something from it is the best way to look at it.
.
We've all done things in the heat of the moment we've later regretted or realised was too much - you can't change it, so have to accept it happened and move on, taking the experience to guide you in future.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm afraid to try it again. I almost walked away because of it. I like alittle pain with whips, floggers, a crop, knife play. But the slapping turns out to be a trigger for us both. I'm trying to not be scared and love on from it. We definitely need better communication and we are getting there after that. We've sat down amd gone through e v everything that triggered us during. During his slapping me we both got triggered(ptsd). That's why I'm so careful with cnc.

[Ra****]

Is this potential psychological scar tissue from previous relationships, as well? Trauma can be reopened in lots of ways, so be on the lookout for other types of triggers. And if something does trigger you, best not to repeat it. This should be seen as part of the after care process and discussion, too. A concussion and bruised windpipe is way outta hand, tho.

[Ta****]

Me and My partner Jus dealt with this And we communicated everything! We talked about why She didn’t feel safe or why she was to stubborn to use her safe word we talked about If I was Seeing cues That what we were doing was getting out of hand And We learned alot so keep talking And loving on each other

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Subwolf42 said:

Thank you all for your responses. I'm afraid to try it again. I almost walked away because of it. I like alittle pain with whips, floggers, a crop, knife play. But the slapping turns out to be a trigger for us both. I'm trying to not be scared and love on from it. We definitely need better communication and we are getting there after that. We've sat down amd gone through e v everything that triggered us during. During his slapping me we both got triggered(ptsd). That's why I'm so careful with cnc.

That makes sense. I'm glad y'all talked about it.

[Deleted Member]

Safe words are there for that particular reason.... Always know your limits.
Luckily no one was hurt to much... Lesson learned x

[ne****]

Saying this at the risk of sounding very unpopular in this forum, but to hell with it!

First of all, Subwolf42, i am so sorry your partner did this to you and I hope you are OK. Please feel free to message me directly if you need/want to talk about it in private.

Secondly, to all the 'wise' commentators on here saying how causing a concussion and bruising someone's wind pipe can just be an 'accident', 'no one's fault' or a learning experience for the sub to remember to say their safe word - what in actual F...?

Not saying your safe word does not equal consent. Your brain freezes like a deer in the headlights when you experience assault. More importantly, her partner must surely know not to hit so hard as to cause a concussion? Why would anybody want that?!?

A person came on here to share after what it seems was a traumatic experience and all you have to say in response is that she needs to learn her hard limits better? You mean like rape victims need to learn not to walk late at night, not to wear short skirts etc etc etc. It's so old...😑

[sw****]

Learn from this and have two safe words! One for a complete stop and one for when it’s a little too much but you don’t want to stop. Like red for stop and yellow for slow it down.

[Char__]

Have you tried traffic lights instead of safe words? It's easier for me to say yellow than red, and it's a clue that I'm struggling.

[Da****]

7 hours ago, randomsarcasm said:

I think rather then phrase it as "we are both at fault" its better to say "no one was at fault". If you're wanting to continue this type of thing, then just view this as a learning experience, albeit a very tough learning experience.
While I'm sure you already knew that your safe word was important, experiencing this kind of accident truly shows you the importance.

I can't say this from experience, but I would imagine moving past something like this will take a lot of patience. If I were in his shoes, I would honestly be overly cautious for a while. Probably checking on you more than normal, and be scared at first to be too rough. But that will pass over time as you continue to be more comfortable with it.

One thing I might recommend for you, and again this is just trying to put myself in his shoes, is for a while, use your safe word before you think you actually need to. This would help reassure him that you will for sure let him know when things might be going too far.
Once he has that reassurance, he won't feel as worried about being more rough because he will feel comfortable that you will let him know if its an issue.

I agree with 95% of what you have said, the only part I don't is the "no one is at fault" part. They are both at fault and they are owning that fact, which is good. She should have not been so stubborn about her safe word and he should have checked in on her more. They both needed to realize and stop as soon as the play became a trigger. My sub and I have gone through this as well and learned a lot from it. It also opened up even better communication between us. You two will be ok and you relationship will be stronger for it..

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Lady_Char said:

Have you tried traffic lights instead of safe words? It's easier for me to say yellow than red, and it's a clue that I'm struggling.

Never thought of this!!

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I agree with 95% of what you have said, the only part I don't is the "no one is at fault" part. They are both at fault and they are owning that fact, which is good. She should have not been so stubborn about her safe word and he should have checked in on her more. They both needed to realize and stop as soon as the play became a trigger. My sub and I have gone through this as well and learned a lot from it. It also opened up even better communication between us. You two will be ok and you relationship will be stronger for it..

I definitely understand your point of view on this and I don't necessarily disagree with you. The only reason I would go with the "no one is at fault" point of view, is I believe that sometimes moving on from this kind of experience can be easier when putting as little of a negative connotation on it as possible.

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, randomsarcasm said:

I definitely understand your point of view on this and I don't necessarily disagree with you. The only reason I would go with the "no one is at fault" point of view, is I believe that sometimes moving on from this kind of experience can be easier when putting as little of a negative connotation on it as possible.

We have beat ourselves up. He thought it was what I want. Miscommunication. We admitted our parts in it and now want to move on. Just trying to figure out how.

[Da****]

1 hour ago, randomsarcasm said:

I definitely understand your point of view on this and I don't necessarily disagree with you. The only reason I would go with the "no one is at fault" point of view, is I believe that sometimes moving on from this kind of experience can be easier when putting as little of a negative connotation on it as possible.

That I understand

[Da****]

1 hour ago, Subwolf42 said:

We have beat ourselves up. He thought it was what I want. Miscommunication. We admitted our parts in it and now want to move on. Just trying to figure out how.

The how is not so easy... BUT it can be done.. start slow again and build everything back up.. sit down and talk about everything that has happened and what you don't want to happen again.. use the traffic light system.. works great..and NEVER NEVER be afraid or ashamed of using your safe words.. I am always proud of my sub when she uses them because it gives me knowledge of what, where, and when I can push her... and when I am pushing too much especially lately as she has had some medical issues and her tolerances are not where they were before. Patience, communications, understanding, and aftercare these are what you guys need right now... make sure you both are communicating before during and after a scenes. You guys will get back to where you you can push limits and grow soon enough.

[ne****]

A concussion??? How?? I seriously want to know! No judgement. CNC is on my list of fantasies but I scare me sometimes