CopperKnob Posted October 10, 2022 Posted October 10, 2022 When I wake up, I put on my burka (I dress responsibly, and you should, too), grab a bite to eat (zero fat for my anti-rape, pro-anorexia diet), and drive to work. There are no parking spaces near the door. Fuckadoodledo! 10% of rapes happen in car parks so I phone my boss to ask her to meet me at the car. She’s not in. The team manager is, but since 90% of rapes are committed by someone you know, I call the admin worker to accompany the dude who’s accompanying me to the door. This is sensibility at it's best. They gave me my own office a while back, but working in a room alone can get you raped, so I go to a the open planned area of the building and work from there. A few colleagues are going out for drinks after work, but personal responsibility requires me to be teetotal. One simply doesn't go out after sunset either, so I intend on spending every night this week with the cat. She’s sick to death of me because she doesn’t believe in personal responsibility, but she really needs to grow up, screw her with a massive hairball. I used to love running after work, but now that I’ve learned about personal responsibility, I usually just grab some celery and go online instead. I’d probably have a more interesting life if I tried online dating, but going out with strangers from the internet is a particularly dangerous activity to even consider. Responsible women don’t go on dates with people they haven’t met yet. Perhaps I'll just stay single? To check to see if I'm overreacting, I decide to read rape stats for the rest of the night. I discover that one in two violent crimes happen in the victim’s home. I can’t go out. I can’t stay in. I can’t drive. I can’t run. I can’t socialise. I decide to get a massive guard dog a taser and some mace tomorrow before spending the rest of the night watching a YouTube video about self-defence. While I’m practising my terrifying death stare, I get a call from my ex, who wants to meet up. Most homecides happen after a break up, and you know what that means. The next day, my boss tells me they want to pay me to go back to University. It's a massive opportunity, but 0.4 million more crimes occur at educational facilities than in other environments. Studying would just be inviting assault. I'm smarter than that But now: I Don’t Even Fucking Know My life has become pretty empty since I learned about personal responsibility, but anything’s better than living in fear. Right? For those who need the heads up, this is satirical but has an absolute point to it.