When Your Dynamic Ends

[CopperKnob]

It's not something anyone in Vanillaville will understand. You should know that first and foremost. They'll be sympathetic for a while, but if you don't bounce back within their timescales, they'll start rolling their eyes without even a hint of bratting. Their patience will wear thin.
They won't understand your tears, your sorrow, your feelings of absolute grief.
They won't understand how chaotic your world has become without routine, without structure.
They won't understand that your need to have, and the loss of, someone to be accountable to has sent you spiralling.
They won't understand how debiliating the loss of a D/s dynamic can be.
They can't because they've never known the levels of intensity and vulnerability present in a D/s dynamic.
I didn't understand any of that. I didn't understand how much of myself I gave someone, let alone that I was going to have to claim every part of myself I'd given them back.
Not until they were gone.
And I was completely unprepared for the months that followed.

It takes time to take back ownership of ourselves but it's something that we can do. We do it with the power we have within ourselves. And you may not feel particularly powerful at the end of your dynamic. I didn't. But we are, all we've done is loan it to another for the duration of the relationship. At the end, our power is ours again. We can't loan it if we didn't have it in the first place and it always comes back (even if the hoodies don't make it)
So we make our own routines. We set our own rules. We provide our own goals. In doing so, we take back control of our lives. We take back ownership, responsibility, accountability of and for ourselves.
And we have to do this because before we're owned by another, we have to own ourselves.

[Deleted Member]

I feel almost... inadequate reading these. One of those "you're not a real sub" moments 🤣 I tend to revel in the freedom reacquired (use my toys again when I please? Yeahah) but I think that's bc of how my dynamics tend to end. Generally it's bc I've finally worked my way to being on top and, mission having been achieved (but also spectacularly failed once more), I want out. I think if I ever find the thing I am looking for, it will be a very different experience should I lose it.

[PersephoneX]

This makes me so totally sad, because it is so accurate.

[Me****]

Sounds like youre going through what "vanilla" people go through, youre just using different words to describe it

[Me****]

5 hours ago, Lady_Char said:

I feel almost... inadequate reading these. One of those "you're not a real sub" moments 🤣 I tend to revel in the freedom reacquired (use my toys again when I please? Yeahah) but I think that's bc of how my dynamics tend to end. Generally it's bc I've finally worked my way to being on top and, mission having been achieved (but also spectacularly failed once more), I want out. I think if I ever find the thing I am looking for, it will be a very different experience should I lose it.

When I read this I keep thinking of that "started from the bottom now we're here" song

[Deleted Member]

In that spiral at the moment, thanks for sharing 💋

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, MeaningfulAdventure said:

Sounds like youre going through what "vanilla" people go through, youre just using different words to describe it

Sounds like you know nothing about me

[CopperKnob]

7 hours ago, Lady_Char said:

I feel almost... inadequate reading these. One of those "you're not a real sub" moments 🤣 I tend to revel in the freedom reacquired (use my toys again when I please? Yeahah) but I think that's bc of how my dynamics tend to end. Generally it's bc I've finally worked my way to being on top and, mission having been achieved (but also spectacularly failed once more), I want out. I think if I ever find the thing I am looking for, it will be a very different experience should I lose it.

Maybe I'm projecting but, I think generally that's my experience. Everythings normally a 'competition' where I need to 'win' or be in 'control'.
Just that one damn person where I didn't and that's ☝️what happened

[ge****]

I think the same can be said for any relationship, kink or otherwise, with regards to people not getting it or understanding and indeed having to claim yourself back - know I've certainly had vanilla relationships where I've needed more time to process their ending than others may expect, and also where it's taken me time to find "me" again.
.
Regardless though, when it happens, it's a process you can't put a clock on - it needs to happen in your time and your way.

[CopperKnob]

9 hours ago, gemini_man said:

I think the same can be said for any relationship, kink or otherwise, with regards to people not getting it or understanding and indeed having to claim yourself back - know I've certainly had vanilla relationships where I've needed more time to process their ending than others may expect, and also where it's taken me time to find "me" again.
.
Regardless though, when it happens, it's a process you can't put a clock on - it needs to happen in your time and your way.

I think that all I can say is that it was a very different relationship and that, without going into detail, my emotional response including how I dealt with things including myself were very very different to how I've responded previously. Everything was much more intense

[Me****]

11 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Sounds like you know nothing about me

Your comments have told me enough about you to know that I have absolutely no interest in continuing this conversation or getting to know you further

[ge****]

14 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that all I can say is that it was a very different relationship and that, without going into detail, my emotional response including how I dealt with things including myself were very very different to how I've responded previously. Everything was much more intense

Oh absolutely and please don't think I'm dismissing how much of an impact it had, nor would I expect or want details that are obviously personal.
.
However do you think it was because of the kink element to the relationship, or perhaps just this specific relationship got under your skin more than others and the intensity of it being kink related was a contributory factor rather than the direct reason?
.
Break ups of any relationships differ based on the specific relationship, I've had some I've simply walked away from without so much as a backwards glance, yet others I've clung to and been impacted by a lot more deeply.

[Th****]

31 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that all I can say is that it was a very different relationship and that, without going into detail, my emotional response including how I dealt with things including myself were very very different to how I've responded previously. Everything was much more intense

Excuse me for barging into your conversation there.

I have had the D/s is just like vanilla when it comes to break up conversation a lot. I still believe it is not.

Don't get me wrong vanilla break up is hell as well but D/s dynamics tend to have more intensity and a wider reach. They build a reliance that is far more tangible. Thus when they go sideways for whatever reason not only are they a special kind of hell.

The very fact that there are areas of our relationships that would definitely raise eyebrows with vanilla friends means we may well not be able to cry / scream / rant on the usual shoulders.

Congratulations on finding your control again Copper.

[CopperKnob]

32 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Oh absolutely and please don't think I'm dismissing how much of an impact it had, nor would I expect or want details that are obviously personal.
.
However do you think it was because of the kink element to the relationship, or perhaps just this specific relationship got under your skin more than others and the intensity of it being kink related was a contributory factor rather than the direct reason?
.
Break ups of any relationships differ based on the specific relationship, I've had some I've simply walked away from without so much as a backwards glance, yet others I've clung to and been impacted by a lot more deeply.

A variety of reasons I guess.
In vanilla life, breaks ups for me have involved missing the random texts, the company. Nothing more really.
This was different in terms of it was the first time I had experienced anything D/s and it felt as if they 'knew' me. Actually knew me. Not the me everyone else gets which is generally me blagging life/having this facade. Even with people I've known for decades.
There were elements of control that I'd given up that I hadn't before and that was the hardest thing I think in terms of, almost needing 'permission' to do whatever without checking in etc.
And then as Thebian says, there's only so much you can divulge to your vanilla friends so a vanilla break up you can discuss/reflect with friends but there's a whole heap of things that I wouldn't dare share so the support network is limited, pretty much zero which was again also hard.
I also acknowledge that I was absolutely drunk on sub frenzy and that that hadn't really lessened which I'm sure also had an impact.

[CopperKnob]

17 minutes ago, Thebian said:

Excuse me for barging into your conversation there.

I have had the D/s is just like vanilla when it comes to break up conversation a lot. I still believe it is not.

Don't get me wrong vanilla break up is hell as well but D/s dynamics tend to have more intensity and a wider reach. They build a reliance that is far more tangible. Thus when they go sideways for whatever reason not only are they a special kind of hell.

The very fact that there are areas of our relationships that would definitely raise eyebrows with vanilla friends means we may well not be able to cry / scream / rant on the usual shoulders.

Congratulations on finding your control again Copper.

Ah, I'm glad that someone else understands and is able to explain what I've been trying, quite uneloquently.

[CopperKnob]

38 minutes ago, MeaningfulAdventure said:

Your comments have told me enough about you to know that I have absolutely no interest in continuing this conversation or getting to know you further

Oh? I hadn't imagined that getting to know each other had been on the table so, no worries. It's a bit of a relief all be told. Thank you for putting my mind at rest.

[ge****]

6 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

A variety of reasons I guess.
In vanilla life, breaks ups for me have involved missing the random texts, the company. Nothing more really.
This was different in terms of it was the first time I had experienced anything D/s and it felt as if they 'knew' me. Actually knew me. Not the me everyone else gets which is generally me blagging life/having this facade. Even with people I've known for decades.
There were elements of control that I'd given up that I hadn't before and that was the hardest thing I think in terms of, almost needing 'permission' to do whatever without checking in etc.
And then as Thebian says, there's only so much you can divulge to your vanilla friends so a vanilla break up you can discuss/reflect with friends but there's a whole heap of things that I wouldn't dare share so the support network is limited, pretty much zero which was again also hard.
I also acknowledge that I was absolutely drunk on sub frenzy and that that hadn't really lessened which I'm sure also had an impact.

Makes sense and thanks for the expansion

[Mi****]

When my last D/s dynamic ended I was utterly lost. Everything you said is sooo accurate! What I did learn was when I entered into my next (and present) dynamic, our contract had a clause in it if the relationship was to end. What would be expected of us both. Nothing dramatic, just courtesy and respect for personal space, belongings etc. It's not easy to think about the end of a relationship at the beginning but expectations should be discussed.

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, MistyGBM said:

When my last D/s dynamic ended I was utterly lost. Everything you said is sooo accurate! What I did learn was when I entered into my next (and present) dynamic, our contract had a clause in it if the relationship was to end. What would be expected of us both. Nothing dramatic, just courtesy and respect for personal space, belongings etc. It's not easy to think about the end of a relationship at the beginning but expectations should be discussed.

This is really good advice

[Joe-4814]

I like the end clause. Smart!