Has anyone managed to have a long term, commited vanilla relationship?

[Deleted Member]

I've recently broken up with someone I was seeing for four months, and one of the reasons was the fact that he was vanilla. I thought I'd be happy with the intimacy and wouldn't miss kink as much as I did. I mean when I'm single it's just me and my right hand and a vivid imagination so I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal but it was. Has anyone else had similar difficulties or had quite happy vanilla relationships?

[Jo****]

No I haven't had a committed relationship at all. My last sub ended up sleeping with my brother.

[Ch****]

In my younger years i tried a few times but they all failed, i need this in my relationships and would rather be single than in a vanilla relationship x x x

[Ca****]

I've not managed it no, I started a cuckold relationship at uni, since then the only relationships that lasted more than six months have been cuckold

[Na****]

I recently got out of a 10 month vanilla relationship. I was so into the guy, and the sex was very good, but I always felt like something was missing and really craved the kink. It wasn’t until we split up though that I really pulled myself out of the denial I was feeling. I realised I needed to stop masking my true self.

[Ar****]

More like the opposite, there is no such thing as too vanilla, but there is too kinky.

[Ca****]

No

[Ja****]

I feel your ***

[at****]

I'm split between now

[KentDom6969]

I accepted after the breakdown of marriage #2 that I can’t live without kink, it’s who I am and denying it within a vanilla relationship isn’t healthy for me, the vanilla partner or my dominance.

Since realising that, accepting it and stopping seeking vanilla, I’ve had 3 long term enjoyable and fulfilling d/s, dd/lg dynamics and can honestly say I don’t miss vanilla and wish I’d come to my realisation after marriage #1 and not #2

[Mi****]

I don’t know everyone’s journey to this site or the depths of peoples kinks, but to me it would appear vanilla wouldn’t work for many.
I am new to this world ( well being open about it anyway ) have had two long term vanilla relationships. Neither worked out and a big part of it not working was my suppressed need to be and have something else. No amount of open discussion worked to rescue either relationship.
Now at 54 trying to discover what I should have been doing for the last 36 years is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.
Morale of the tale , don’t regret time lost in denying who you are and what needs you need to be met .

( looking forward to seeing other comments )

[Ro****]

Thanks for posting this, it's nice (in a way) to know others are wrestling with the same thoughts.

I suppose if you deny who you know yourself to be, you will always be unfulfilled.

[ze****]

I’m upset you went for a vanilla guy in the first place, it can work though in my opinion

[DarkArts1066]

Very difficult to achieve what you have described. In fact, I found it ultimately impossible, and have two ex wives to show for that. Unless you are in a fairly unique position, and have a vanilla partner - who is happy for you to indulge your kinks elsewhere, then it can be a problem.
I know two people, both happily married, Ho do have successful vanilla marriages, but indulge their kinks outside of their relationships. In both cases, neither of their partners wants to know the details. They just disappear off for a day now and then - where they go, and what they do is never discussed.
One has a full sexual relationship with his partner, with the other though thee is no sexual intimacy at all.

[MauroDraco]

I say ('cause I think) I could, but I'm not sure for how long, since the long term (several years) wasn't tested. Up to two years vanilla it works for me. If I could do it for ten+ years, remains a question...

[Deleted Member]

Having previously been in a vanilla marriage for 10 years, like you I had similar issues.

You want a relationship to work and so put kink to one side believing (or more likely hoping) that the love you have for someone will be enough to overcome your kink desires. And I think in good times it is, in that contentment & love surpass your kink impulses. But as challenges come into a relationship, as they inevitably do, kink tends to resurface pretty quickly and increase those challenges.

I’m sure some people have overcome this in vanilla relationships, but IMO, kink will always resurface and become an issue so I’ve decided it has to be part of any future LTR.

[DeviantInside]

I haven't tried a vanilla relationship in... well... since I was 20. And even back then the kink crept in. I honestly don't think I could do it without growing frustrated. I don't view kink as a seperate thing, even if I keep it discreet from parts of my life. It's a part of who I am, part of and intrinsically linked to my insatiable curiosity and love of learning and exploring new things. That and a severely overactive mind and imagination at times.

[Da****]

Am I the only one caught on the unrelated issue of how your vivid imagination hasn't managed to get your left hand to play a more meaningful role? :)

So you say 'one of the reasons'. This doesn't discount that the other reasons could've also counted alone.

My experience is that if kink matters to you, then it's pretty difficult to have a vanilla relationship or even sense, sexually about a non-kink muggle.

Of course there are many who stay in vanilla relationships and whether, with the knowledge and permission of their partner or not, get their kink needs met elsewhere.

This has never worked for me. I love from my lower DanTien into my higher energy space. From grime and perspiration and saliva and semen and dust and earth, etc. we create the divine feminine and the divine masculine and decide on the interplay we want them to have in our lives.

If you don't love me for howling at the moon, or some other aspect as such, then your love could just never hit the spot that i need it to hit... And it would be a shame for you to waste it or for me to make it feel meaningless.

That's just me, and why I'm single for long periods...

[Th****]

Personally I don't think that anyone should have to "give up" their kinks for someone else. It's part of who you are, and the right partner should not only know about them, but also embrace them. I did this twice. Once with my ex husband for 10 years. He was into certain things but I couldn't trust him to stop if I asked him to so I literally faked vanilla for a decade lol. It was awful 😞 lol. A couple years after I left I started dating someone else that was vanilla. Kinda feel bad about breaking up with him, although we're still friends and he did totally understand where I was coming from. Our sex life was, simply put, boring. He wasn't willing to experiment, and I wasn't willing to sacrifice again. I will say finding someone kinky for long term can be harder, but at the same time you're also able to be more honest about your kinks with any potential partner. Anyway, that's my two cents. Hope it helps

[Pl****]

You like the idea of giving control and be put in your place. Vanilla men can't understand that

[Wi****]

Yes, I have had similar problem, wife's very vanilla, I just get called weird for suggesting she uses her fingernails in my a**e cheeks, so I dare not suggest anything else, lol, now why am I on here, oh yes,

[Deleted Member]

It seems that non Vanilla sex is key to your happyness and satisfaction. I highly recommend to look for a kinky partner to remain happy for a long term. Otherwise you might run into frustrations that are not beneficial for you nor your partner

[Deleted Member]

My wife of 11 years was vanilla.
Although, that had nothing to do with our break up after 15 years…. vanilla ain’t something I’ll be going back to!

[Dr****]

For me it’s the power exchange in D/s and the bond that builds from that. The fact I can’t “be myself” if someone I am dating is being what seems like “bratty” behavior and I want to grab them by the hair and spank them or punish them I prob can’t, I would be looked at as a bad person. So I tried for vanilla years ago, after that it’s kink or nothing for me.

[Deleted Member]

Done it! I think it depends on the person, and what is important for them. I LOVE, LOVE my kinks, but it's not the most important things for me.