Mandy-5430 Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 So my husband and I have always had a kinky sex life, but the last few months we've been getting into a dom/sub style sex. I know he's excited and likes this type of stuff and I really enjoy it too. The problem is he isn't as confident and is unsure of what to do. He gets into his own head and loses his confidence which puts him out of the mood. We're very open about communicating what we need and how to make things work. I guess I'm looking for more advice from more experienced doms and how they get into the mindset and build up confidence. Like do you come up with a plan ahead of time on what to do, or more just go with the flow.
Deleted Member Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 This isn't uncommon. Sometimes its hard to stay "focused" when your concentrating so much on the other person and making sure they are getting what they need.
Deleted Member Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 This is not unusual, or strange. He needs time to get used to his role
Zululover Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 Planning is essential for me as a Dom. As is the initial assessment of needs, limits and desires of the submissive. Once boundaries and interests have been agreed then I write out a plan for each BDSM therapy session. Invariably one can go slightly off piste and start ad-libbing which is not a bad thing within the limits.
DarkArts1066 Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 As others have already mentioned, this is not uncommon. It can be hard to stay in the moment with an evolving play scene… so sometimes having a plan - or even just a starting point can help. I’ll give you a personal example. If I am say, going to give someone a firm, over the knee spanking, then it helps me to get into my ‘zone’ if they have actually done something to deserve it. As an example, you might want to read my writing on here, entitled “Nina gets the switch”. It is entirely based on a real life scenario.. and might help you understand my mindset, going into that scenario, although it doesn’t directly dip into my mindset as such. Watch porn. Good porn, not the three minute clips designed to get you off quickly, but something bdsm based which has a storyline. No - I do not mean “50 shades” !….. Have your husband try and imagine himself in the Dom role… and see if that helps him unlock his own mindset. Failing that, have him plan out a scenario for you both. Notice I said “have him” do it… He needs to find his way of going (to use an equestrian term) with this - with your guidance, obviously! The plan does NOT have to be adhered to strictly by him … if he feels the need to deviate that’s fine… as long as he doesn’t drive the whole scenario off the cliff in doing so - AND he starts with the plan. I have met Domsl and subs alike, who overscript everything…. And then focus so much on that, that they lose the enjoyment of it. Start small. Perhaps he should set a routine or a task for you, and if you fail to complete it, that could initiate a dressing down, with you assuming a particular position (head bowed, hands clasped - for example). If you fail again, then he escalates his response. I have a sub who forgets to punctuate sentences correctly. Sometimes she genuinely forgets….. Othertimes she “forgets” With another couple I know, she will iron double creases into his work shirt sleeve… Play around with that….. and don’t be afraid to ask for more advice and support. Many of us are very happy to help and nurture. Good luck DarkArts
Ea**** Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 40 minutes ago, Mandy-5430 said: So my husband and I have always had a kinky sex life, but the last few months we've been getting into a dom/sub style sex. I know he's excited and likes this type of stuff and I really enjoy it too. The problem is he isn't as confident and is unsure of what to do. He gets into his own head and loses his confidence which puts him out of the mood. We're very open about communicating what we need and how to make things work. I guess I'm looking for more advice from more experienced doms and how they get into the mindset and build up confidence. Like do you come up with a plan ahead of time on what to do, or more just go with the flow. The trick is planning. Also he should write stuff down (never breaking limits of course), helps with remembering what to do. Eventually you can be more and more spontaneous, but plan first.
Mandy-5430 Posted October 27, 2022 Author Posted October 27, 2022 Thank you to everyone whose replied, I'm still trying to figure out this site and how to reply to people directly for their comments, but I'll definitely bring it up to him next time we talk and maybe he can start planning some sessions. is there any reading material y'all would recommend that would help? I'm hesitant on buying anything without knowing if it's legitimate or not.
go**** Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 I honestly go with the floor. I like to start slowly with just some simple pinning forcing u to bend over spanking hair pulling just basic basic stuff. Gotta role-play it and heat up the oven. Then after a bit out comes cuffs or rope and just over time gotta build it up. Decide what u wanna do based on where she’s at with her vibe. Gotta connect with her and set the pace. If u wanna speed it up u need to understand your partner and how to go about speeding it up with them where they’re still comfortable and like it. Some people like to plan ahead which is fine if it works for you then it works for you. For me it’s about the flow and what I want based on how she is. You need to understand she is the sub. She will do what you want to do which can be overwhelming and I’ve been overwhelmed before and lost the confidence and stuff too. But it’s about setting the pace and taking it slow. Limit yourself along the way which will build the confidence up in yourself and keep it up as you go along. Now good luck and stay kinky
Deleted Member Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 Have him go with his instincts and you’d help encourage some of those instincts to come to light that would help with his confidence & develop it further we’re all unsure when we think too much about the act vs going with gut instinct and what’s already there. Overthinking things can hinder things. If he knows what works with you & what doesn’t that helps with overall his confidence. If you build these things together it’ll be much more enjoyable
Deleted Member Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 From a sub point of view to this scenario make light of the situation while you are both getting into these rolls. Laugh about it in the moment rather than having the pressure of the scene being strictly regimented. Be kind to him as he's discovering his confidence within his roll as the Dominant and he will find his own way of getting in that zone.. be patient,.it takes time
ge**** Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 Some very good points already made - another thought is do you need to step back from the "roles" side a little and perhaps focus on the activities? . Maybe pick one or two to try without it being about dominant/submissive, more trying something - from there his confidence may grow to step into the role over time rather than trying to *be* dominant from the get go. . There are some very good BDSM questionnaires out there that list various elements/activities that you rate in terms of interest (Google should find them) - if you each complete them individually and then get back together to compare notes and pick some that you both ranked high to try.
E-dUbBs Posted October 28, 2022 Posted October 28, 2022 I'd say ask him what's going through his mind when he gets that way and loses confidence Is it a feeling that maybe what he wants to do is possibly going to shock or scare you Maybe it worries him that you won't stop him or say anything if it's something you don't enjoy But also seizing on your point about preparing etc I usually have the first thing I want to do planned out and once I've done that I'll improvise or return to an old favorite while I plan my next move (for me a good cuffed harsh face fuck is my time filler plus I love it 😉). Also if it is going to b be a lengthy sadistic impact and rough treatment session I will send the sub off to prepare and find "mr Hyde" wherever he's lurking (possibly even put on a face mask to encourage the persona and him to come to the fore. It's strange because so many subs have said that they can see it in my eyes when he arrives and they know they're going to be in for a testing but consensual night (Consensual is the b all and end all) Also don't forget as Doms we too have the right to safeword and stop a scene A Dom's mental state during a scene can be just as at risk as a subs Any way I've rambled enough now so I'll let someone else have a gov But if either of you want to talk about it more drop me a message and I'll be happy to help if I can
Mandy-5430 Posted October 28, 2022 Author Posted October 28, 2022 9 hours ago, E-dUbBs said: I'd say ask him what's going through his mind when he gets that way and loses confidence Is it a feeling that maybe what he wants to do is possibly going to shock or scare you Maybe it worries him that you won't stop him or say anything if it's something you don't enjoy But also seizing on your point about preparing etc I usually have the first thing I want to do planned out and once I've done that I'll improvise or return to an old favorite while I plan my next move (for me a good cuffed harsh face fuck is my time filler plus I love it 😉). Also if it is going to b be a lengthy sadistic impact and rough treatment session I will send the sub off to prepare and find "mr Hyde" wherever he's lurking (possibly even put on a face mask to encourage the persona and him to come to the fore. It's strange because so many subs have said that they can see it in my eyes when he arrives and they know they're going to be in for a testing but consensual night (Consensual is the b all and end all) Also don't forget as Doms we too have the right to safeword and stop a scene A Dom's mental state during a scene can be just as at risk as a subs Any way I've rambled enough now so I'll let someone else have a gov But if either of you want to talk about it more drop me a message and I'll be happy to help if I can I'd definitely think it was because he'd be worried about hurting me, or taking things to far. We've had a lot of conversations regarding it, I try and assure him I'll let him know if I need to stop, and we always have a safe word in place. Im just unsure of how to get him to stop worrying so much. I think getting him to plan something out would be really helpful
E-dUbBs Posted October 28, 2022 Posted October 28, 2022 32 minutes ago, Mandy-5430 said: I'd definitely think it was because he'd be worried about hurting me, or taking things to far. We've had a lot of conversations regarding it, I try and assure him I'll let him know if I need to stop, and we always have a safe word in place. Im just unsure of how to get him to stop worrying so much. I think getting him to plan something out would be really helpful I'd suggest using 2 One for mercy /if you need something changed / adjusted I use yellow And one for when you have had enough Red It allows changes without ending or breaking the scene
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