Conflicting feelings

[HamCoBondage]

So I’ve always considered myself Dom with women but enjoy being tied up, put in chastity, and used for a man’s pleasure. But I’ve never been with a true Domme. I enjoy secretly wearing women’s undergarments and have a cuckold fantasy. I’m wondering if I would be happy as a male sub all around. And let’s face it, finding a Domme is a lot harder than finding a Dom or female sub and male subs are a dime a dozen. I’ve got 2 jobs and both are positions of authority.
I call myself bi on here because my preferred term isn’t available (heteroflexible). I don’t look at a man and think to myself “damn he sexy” the way I look at a woman. When I’m in sub mode if you will, I get my pleasure from the lack of being in control versus being with somebody I’m physically attracted to.
Just trying to start a discussion and find out who I really am and the roles I fit into.

[Deleted Member]

Approach

[LovelyLilGirl]

Exploration is fun and great. I at one point was very much more a switch than I am now. I think I'm some situations and what not I can be harder for men to switch or even be sub for any gendered dominate person. Please watch out for fakes, and those who just want to control you. You seem like a smart person I just worry some people may try to get power heavy. I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.

[ge****]

Think there are a number of strands to address here, both from your OP and your profile.
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Firstly the conflict of who/what you are - that can only come from within and how you yourself feel - there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with feeling as you do, dominant in one respect, yet submissive in others - so long as you are being true to yourself. Only you can figure out if one is stronger than the other.
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Maybe ask yourself what your motivation is, and where it comes from - is kink something you're attracted to because you've seen it in porn and found it a turn on, but which side of the coin doesn't really matter, or does it come from somewhere deeper than that?
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Secondly, whilst it's true finding a male dominant may *seem* easier because there are so many more of them, many of whom will take on anyone because they struggle to find what *they* are looking for - would you really want that? Or would you rather find a dominant who you connect with and have trust, respect etc with? Because if you do, it's just as "hard" regardless of the gender to find the right one, trust me.
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Your comments do read to an extent like you'll take kink, any kink and I'd question the merits of that.
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Finally your profile says you're in a vanilla relationship - is that because you've discussed it with your partner and she's adamant kink is of no interest, or is it your perception and you've not had that open and honest conversation with your partner - if it's the latter, then maybe having that conversation is the way to go.

[jo****]

I mean experimentation is fun you need to find the right people to do that with. I wouldn't call that conflicting. What I would do in your situation is go to a few munches meet people you can safely express your desires to maybe they are someone for you maybe they know someone.

[HamCoBondage]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Think there are a number of strands to address here, both from your OP and your profile.
.
Firstly the conflict of who/what you are - that can only come from within and how you yourself feel - there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with feeling as you do, dominant in one respect, yet submissive in others - so long as you are being true to yourself. Only you can figure out if one is stronger than the other.
.
Maybe ask yourself what your motivation is, and where it comes from - is kink something you're attracted to because you've seen it in porn and found it a turn on, but which side of the coin doesn't really matter, or does it come from somewhere deeper than that?
.
Secondly, whilst it's true finding a male dominant may *seem* easier because there are so many more of them, many of whom will take on anyone because they struggle to find what *they* are looking for - would you really want that? Or would you rather find a dominant who you connect with and have trust, respect etc with? Because if you do, it's just as "hard" regardless of the gender to find the right one, trust me.
.
Your comments do read to an extent like you'll take kink, any kink and I'd question the merits of that.
.
Finally your profile says you're in a vanilla relationship - is that because you've discussed it with your partner and she's adamant kink is of no interest, or is it your perception and you've not had that open and honest conversation with your partner - if it's the latter, then maybe having that conversation is the way to go.

I have had quite frank conversations with my partner. It’s a total turn off and she told me “find somebody else to do that with because I won’t do it”.

[HamCoBondage]

Oh and it’s “too weird for her”

[ge****]

6 hours ago, HamCoBondage said:

I have had quite frank conversations with my partner. It’s a total turn off and she told me “find somebody else to do that with because I won’t do it”.

Ah ok, ignore the second part of the response I sent to your message then - however a lot may depend on how those "frank" conversations were approached - if you sat her down and calmly and clearly explained to her what you'd like to try and more importantly why it appeals to you, as well as getting her to open up about her own fantasies is a world of difference from "I want this in my life".
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That aside, is she happy for you to "find somebody else", and accepts it's a part of you you will explore, or was it a "find somebody else and we're done" type comment?
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Either way I'd still suggest you take a step back and look inwardly to understand yourself better rather than letting porn inform your sexuality, which seemed to be the suggestion from your message - there's a world of difference between porn and reality, and whilst porn can *seem* exciting and drive you to want what you see on screen, it doesn't account for the reality of playing it out in person.
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Which is why you need to understand yourself first before acting - it's natural to be curious, and natural to push that curiosity to try things, but it needs to come from an informed position.

[LeggyLivia]

Giving up control is one of many facets of being a sub. I agree with the above in that you need to do a bit more self-exploration which may require doing some research. By research, I do not necessarily mean jumping into a FLR (female-led relationship) or trying to convince your partner that you need to be dominated by them. It may mean you have to explore a website, read a few books and listen to a couple of lectures about your kinks and being a sub in general. It is also a process that takes a bit of time. You may need to get some advice or guidance from sources other than this site and that is perfectly fine. You may even need to set up a consultation with a pro-domme to see if she can help you explore your interests. At the end of all of this, you may not feel like you are a sub anymore, or that you are more of a switch or even that you are a dominant with sub tendencies. The way that you explore this will have to do more with your personality, learning style and level of commitment than anything else, in my opinion.