JC**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 Hello everyone. I've encountered something I call "Submissive Obsession" which occurs when the sad realization that a Submissive refuses to let go. I've been in the lifestyle for many years and as some know Submissives can sometimes have a different perspective when the time has unfortunately come when the relationship is over . Causes can be : lack of certain submissive traits causing some to be unteachable, defining who is actually the dominant due to overwhelming instructions from the sub. Lack of connection and , or attraction in the relationship. Etc I've had good experiences when the time has come. Different scenarios . Releasing the Sub , passing the sub along or just closing a chapter. The response can sometimes be unnerving , causing stress and disorder. A submissive that won't let go may send 300 texts in a day begging , pleading for forgiveness and then switch into a scorned, vindictive character pledging discomfort to you unless you take them back. Even declaring they will participate in dangerous actions until you reunite. Recently I've had to threaten a Sub with.a restraining order and reports to agencies that will take action to stop the madness. Usually it wears off , they lose interest or find another Dom. Yet some will stalk and harass you for years reminding you how." Special" they are and how you are miserable bastard . Has anyone dealt with this scenario? What did you do ? Did it resolve peacefully ,? Have you ever taken the sub back just to stop the madness ? I thought I'd become more cautious but current situations prove other wise . How did you learn from the situation and how have you applied it in your life . Mental health issues are a reality and sometimes they are profound and need to be treated with the utmost respect . Trick is not to be held hostage . Not very dominant .
CopperKnob Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 Is this a sub "thing" or a human nature thing? I think that the "learning" if any would be in relation to the fact that everyone has emotions. I find the language off, "passing a sub along", "threaten" and alluding to "mental health issues" I'm not excusing anyone for sending 300 texts a day and i think theres probably numerous reasons for it not least how the relationship was ended. With that said, emotions run higher in a D/s relationships than i've experienced in vanilla ones.
bi**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 Look at it like a vanilla relationship breakup, and it makes more sense.
ge**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 I'm with CK in that whilst D/s may heighten emotions and intensify things a little - intrinsically a lot of this comes down to being just the same as any relationship break up where one or other partner struggles to let go. . Think all you can do is maintain a distance and be as respectful as you can of the person's feelings. . Obviously there may come a point where more drastic action may be needed, but should be a last resort and one only you can judge when that time has come.
ri**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 Where do u find those people?? Also if a sub wants to control you or give you instructions on how to you should manage your submission, they are not a sub. Just a wanna be. Or they just need to realize their true role (switch, domme)
fa**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 Outside the Dom sub relationship people just have emotional dependency issues. No one is immune to having a partner break up with them. Been stung a couple of times myself. Part of life is moving on and doing that with actions with things like breaking contact and communication. Some people learn to do that some can't find the strength within them to do it. What makes them stop is time passing and feelings, memories, and emotions dying down and becoming less intense then realizing they can live without you then moving onto someone else.
Ma**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 I’ve encountered this too. And what everyone above has said rings true. Dependency is something that seems to develop in subs that are overeager or go through frenzy easily. While it is total submission, the spurning of which is extremely traumatic… it is not a healthy characteristic. Keep an eye out for flags like addictions and past trauma. Im of the belief that too many people use dynamics to numb trauma. If that’s the way you deal with it .. so be it. Just be aware of why. A good sub wants a dynamic .. but doesn’t need it. Only thing that may help going into future dynamics is if you progress on a month to month contract. Slow it down and make sure you both communicate effectively and honestly. Just a thought
im**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 If you continue to have this experience maybe you should look at yourself a bit more introspectively. Are you respecting your sub as a person or dropping them like an object? Has there been discussion about the relationship moving apart? Have you made them completely dependent on you and then just disappear? When people have been deeply hurt sometimes they react in less than measured kinds of ways as a response to the ***.
St**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 And that's why, personally, I don't like the way some people see this stuff as a quasi religion. What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. If your thing is being dominated or humiliated "outside", or if you start getting into this contractual stuff, that's quite frankly creepy and, in my opinion , you open yourself to this type of issue. Evidently if someone is suffering from some codependency problem due to past trauma , they might start confusing where the sexual act begin and where normal life starts and vice versa. Anyways, that's just my two cents.
xe**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 Most subs I've encountered in my life were women and most women stop texting pretty quick, so I don't understand how one can find a stalker. This is some science fiction as far as I can tell 😂. No one reads these but this is my 48 years of experience so ymmv
He**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 wow if this has happened to you a lot what do you to these people to make them so dependant on you? Do you say things you don't mean in the first place, do you make them think there's more to the relationship than there actually is? Then when you've had your fun and you dump and run you wonder why they are pissed off? And passing the sub along, what are they an object? 300 texts a day who has time for that unless you don't sleep and don't work. If it's happened once I get that, but several times, I'd be looking inwards and stop blaming others. What is it you are doing that makes this happen time and again? Sorry but that's the gist I get from what you wrote.
Deleted Member Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 Am I the only person who feels this post is misogynistic? This is not a trait of submissives or women, it's something that can occur with subs, Dominants, and all genders. Call it submissive obsession ***ts it wrongly imo.
de**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 You have to get to know people in different contexts to really know who they are. If you want just a physical connection with someone, youre not getting to know the other parts of them. I wouldn't threaten a restraining order, I'd get one. Stop accepting text messages
Deleted Member Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 I’ve seen this happen numerous times specifically on Reddit when an inexperienced sub or little becomes attached fairly quickly to their dom. It could be due to abandonment issues.
CopperKnob Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 35 minutes ago, Lady_Char said: Am I the only person who feels this post is misogynistic? This is not a trait of submissives or women, it's something that can occur with subs, Dominants, and all genders. Call it submissive obsession ***ts it wrongly imo. I mean, it appears that it's always the submissives "fault" for the relationship ending which, alongside the language, I think is probably a factor with the response/s experienced
Fa**** Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 I’ve not read all the replies so apologies if this is repetition. However, as someone who did go a touch crazy and try to contact my ex many many many times to the stage where I told him to block me as I knew it was ridiculous I offer the following. Has the ending of the relationship come out of the blue? Did they see it coming out was everything ok as far as they knew? Had you voiced any concerns previously? These were all factors that affected me. Have you left any sort out for open? Again this was a factor as my ex told me my collar would be waiting when my current life circumstances changed. Have you answered all their questions? Are you being vague? Is there more to the story/break up? Do they simply need some of your time for a while? Do they need to grieve for the end and you are the person they feel closest to? Again all factors in the ending of my relationship. Sometimes it’s easier to engage the person than ignore them. Also though, this IS NOT a sub thing. It’s a personal thing and could happen to anyone.
Deleted Member Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 Fortunately, I haven’t been in this exact situation, but as a sub, I can say how it feels. You are someone your sub felt extremely safe with. When we hurt, we naturally want to go to the person who we knew could take away ***. My perspective, of course.
ma**** Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 10 hours ago, richmond-hill429 said: Where do u find those people?? Also if a sub wants to control you or give you instructions on how to you should manage your submission, they are not a sub. Just a wanna be. Or they just need to realize their true role (switch, domme) That's on the Dominant failing to provide and gain agreement on protocol.
Je**** Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 1. Invest in a good security system 2.get a restraining order 3. Sooner better than later
an**** Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 So, unfortunately I went though the issue of codependency about 6 years ago. I was with a girl I loved and wanted to marry but she didn’t feel the same way back. She was the dom and I the sub just to be clear. We built a life together for about 5 years with a few intermissions here and there. At the time I was addicted to **** and alcohol so I thought that this one good thing could never end. She kept telling me that she was having mixed feeling because I couldn’t get sober and that we may not be right for each other. Each time we broke up I didn’t know how to handle it and was super depressed, suicidal, and lost job’s over it. I didn’t send tons of texts but the ones I did were very passive aggressive, then turned plainly desperate at the official end of our relationship. We were engaged and set to marry the next year but she was sleeping with someone else I didn’t know about until I did. Anyhow, I ended up getting a protection order filed on me because I got an assault charge and sent to jail. Literally it took me getting that to stop trying to communicate with someone who was toxic for me and, because of my major issues from childhood trauma, I was severely toxic to her. I became stalkerish at the end and didn’t want to give her up even after i found out she was cheating. Now I have been in a few relationships but from the beginning we set boundaries and ground rules to minimize damage to each other due to break ups. I’m even friends with one still. Some subs want it to be very sensual and have someone there forever and some want to just be an “object”. If you don’t want a long relationship then clarify that and tell them that you may not stay around long so they can try to not become as attached. I don’t know you’re whole situation or what happened between you and past subs but that been my experience with it. I hope your future endeavors turn out much better even if they have to come to a close.
Fray4444 Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 As a Dom the last thing I'd want to do is let go of my sub. If I could find a good sub I'd marry her. I wouldn't want to give that up but that's just me I understand what you're saying is different though. That sounds rough I feel bad for the people that are in that situation. I'd say make clear boundaries from the beginning but you can't really anticipate how somebody's going to feel further down the line especially if they have some real mental health issues and trust issues. So I get where you're coming from. That sounds like a horrible situation to be and I'm lucky I haven't experienced that myself. Best of luck to all parties involved
be**** Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 I figure if you take the sub back then you are promoting toxic disorderly behavior. Very similar to children. But I've never had this experience so I am not so sure how I would take this situation.
Deleted Member Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 Looks like you’re dealing with a Borderline; they can be very obsessive, dangerous, and self destructive. Keep them as far away from you, and involve the law(on record) as much as possible. I’ve been there; in the end, it’s not worth it.
gi**** Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 I had a sub FWBs in college and she kept antagonizing me when I started dating my partner at the time and she then took matters into her own hands and spread a lie across campus that I assaulted her. I then spent the rest of the semesters as a pariah with few friends and she kept trying to date me even after the mess she caused. I have unfriended her after I left college and explained that she and I would never be capable of understanding what the other wants and I think that stuck or she found another person to latch onto.
Deleted Member Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 16 hours ago, Lady_Char said: Am I the only person who feels this post is misogynistic? This is not a trait of submissives or women, it's something that can occur with subs, Dominants, and all genders. Call it submissive obsession ***ts it wrongly imo. It’s interesting how people like you, who take someone’s personal issue/problem , and then generalize it/straw man, just to involve your problem with it.
Recommended Posts