Dominant trouble! Submissive Obsession

[re****]

3 hours ago, Xavier1978 said:

Looks like you’re dealing with a Borderline; they can be very obsessive, dangerous, and self destructive. Keep them as far away from you, and involve the law(on record) as much as possible.
I’ve been there; in the end, it’s not worth it.

“A boarderline” is a little inaccurate when you really should say someone with untreated mental conditions- bpd gets the scapegoat for all unhinged behavior and it doesn’t feel fair-

I dealt with something similar to this with untreated ADHD, for example- not everyone with bpd is a monster to avoid

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, red_22 said:

“A boarderline” is a little inaccurate when you really should say someone with untreated mental conditions- bpd gets the scapegoat for all unhinged behavior and it doesn’t feel fair-

I dealt with something similar to this with untreated ADHD, for example- not everyone with bpd is a monster to avoid

Were you confused by the words “looks like”, and “they can be”?
It makes it very tedious to have to attack a disclaimer “ no, not all “, to every comment; but I’m the members of this audience are mature enough to figure that out.

[Deleted Member]

Edit:
………
It makes it very tedious to have to attach a disclaimer “ no, not all “, to every comment; but I’m sure the members of this audience are mature enough to figure that out.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Xavier1978 said:

It’s interesting how people like you, who take someone’s personal issue/problem , and then generalize it/straw man, just to involve your problem with it.

And people like you, who have to insert themselves?

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Xavier1978 said:

It’s interesting how people like you, who take someone’s personal issue/problem , and then generalize it/straw man, just to involve your problem with it.

I'm also delightfully amused that you criticized me for generalizing by generalizing me.

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, Xavier1978 said:

It’s interesting how people like you, who take someone’s personal issue/problem , and then generalize it/straw man, just to involve your problem with it.

It's as equally "interesting" how you feel capable of 'diagnosing' someone you've never met via the internet but here we are...people involving their "problems" into someone elses post 🙄

[CopperKnob]

4 hours ago, gingerd***s said:

I had a sub FWBs in college and she kept antagonizing me when I started dating my partner at the time and she then took matters into her own hands and spread a lie across campus that I assaulted her. I then spent the rest of the semesters as a pariah with few friends and she kept trying to date me even after the mess she caused. I have unfriended her after I left college and explained that she and I would never be capable of understanding what the other wants and I think that stuck or she found another person to latch onto.

So, what we learnt was that communication, telling someone what's going on, so they have their 'why' did the trick?
I mean, they 'spread a lie' whilst you were both in college but it took you until you left college to unfriend on your socials and to have a clear conversation with them
I wonder how the situation might have played out if you'd have done that from the outset 🤔

[Deleted Member]

Pardon me if I am speaking out of line. I had recently gone through something similar, but as the sub. Being new to the scene I was not all that aware of my role and had acted with ignorance making my former Dom angry on multiple occasions. He also dropped me with no real explanation at first devastated me because the last time I was with him we were intimate. Out of hurt and confusion I lashed out in ways I am ashamed of. I allowed irrational emotions guide me instead of accepting his decision. I begged for forgiveness and the opportunity for correction. Not understanding that what I was dedicated to give him he probably couldn't appreciate or protect. So I took it upon myself to study what was needed for me to become a better sub to ensure I will not make the same mistakes. It would be easy for me to simply point blame at my former Dom for his inability to clear up the confusion I had during our short relationship and what he expected from me. Instead I see he did nothing wrong because I in the end picked him. I also had to understand that even though it was abrupt and destroyed my confidence. That was another opportunity for me to look to myself and discover what my desires are and why do I feel those levels of pleasure when I serve. Was it to fill that void of abandonment or was it because i was ***d to take control in my life that the *** feeling i get being controlled ignites a flame i thought burned out so long ago. My mental health was weak when I originally opened up and so when he introduced me to the D/s dynamic my admiration and intense feelings I thought i was feeling for him was really towards this safe escape from my chaotic reality. Where I am rewarded with affection after I successfully submit to my Doms commands. I see now I have the control over who is allowed the pleasures of my loyalty.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Lady_Char said:

I'm also delightfully amused that you criticized me for generalizing by generalizing me.

I didn’t generalize, I was very specific about your actions.

[Deleted Member]

22 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

It's as equally "interesting" how you feel capable of 'diagnosing' someone you've never met via the internet but here we are...people involving their "problems" into someone elses post 🙄

It wasn’t a diagnosis; people are full of straw man’s these days.

[FETMOD-GP]

Ok......I'm going to jump in here can we please keep on the OP and not resort to arguments, if this carries on the topic will be locked 

Thank you 😌

[Ja****]

That behavior is not submissive but typical of Borderline Personality Disorder. I know. I’m a doctor.

[ro****]

I'm sorry that you have experienced this.
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I can't say I've ever experienced anything this extreme but have had somewhat relatable circumstances from a family dynamic.
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Dare I say this is not an issue with submissives, but a behaviour that can be shown by anyone. Dom's and subs sure, but also by those external to kink/BDSM, and in relationships other than those sexual/romantic, such as in friendships and with family. There may be a degree of correlation where people prone to codependency (may not be the right word here) are more attracted to submissive roles, but it's certainly not restricted to or a defining characteristic of submissive. Perhaps it appears to be a submissive disorder because you've only experienced it in d/s contexts? I mention this, as by broadening your definition you might be able to find more help elsewhere, such as in organisations and resource pages for stalking and domestic *** (worthwhile checking out regardless of whether you think it's identifiable in this scenario).
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Unfortunately this is an extremely difficult situation, especially if they threaten harm to themselves or others. My apologies upfront if I provide some basic or already tried suggestions.
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Usually I'd recommend blocking and blacklisting on all platforms. If you've respectfully communicated what has needed to be said more talking is unlikely to help, and can lead to you becoming more reactive/behaving in a way you'd typically condone. They're obviously not respecting your boundaries, so it's okay to lay them more firmly. However I can entirely understand if blocking feels uncomfortable, especially if you're worried for their safety.
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Link them in with professional services, if you can (which really is more of a politely suggest they try find ways to process their emotions: I'm sorry, but I can't remain your support anymore. Can you try talking to a doctor or mental health professional instead?).
You might also be able to politely ask some of their friends or family members to check in on them because they're going through a rough time.
If they are in immediate risk of harm or harming call an ambulance or police.
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Also link yourself in with professional services. It might be worthwhile talking to a mental health practitioner about the toll it's taking on you.
Equally so, it might be useful and appropriate talk to services that specialise in helping to manage this type of behaviour such as the police, a lawyer, a relationship councillor or domestic *** service. They can provide more specific and reliable information and resources than any of us on the internet.
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I absolutely stand by never taking them up as a partner again. It won't ease the issue, it will just morph into a different unhealthy dynamic.
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This is not to attribute blame, but moving forward it is perhaps beneficial to consider if warning flags exist in the early stages and can provide indication of the codependency/obsessiveness/insert other trait here that may develop.
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This can include warning signs in yourself, such as noticing you're starting to become over involved, feeling pressured to fix their situation, realising you're their only support (or only support to whom they will reach out to), or noticing they expect you to be free 24/7. It can be more subtle such as a feeling of dread when they message. I'm not saying this is occuring in this instance, I really don't know enough about you or your partner/s or the events that transpired, but sometimes we can step into a lifestyle caregiver role without realising. Noticing signs early may help you exit the scene before overinvestment.
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I've seen a few suggestions about reconsidering how you break things off. Dare I suggest this has limited use in such extreme contexts.
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I also feel I have been the person trying to restrain intense feelings post break up (but absolutely more mildy and not to the point of continually disrespecting boundaries for prolonged periods).
If someone cleanly and respectfully breaks it off as opposed abruptly ending it without allowing a processing conversation, or through months of ghosting or broken promises, I find I have no/minimal desire to wring a solid answer from them or seek closure. But even in the worst break offs I've been able to register the other person's emotions and eventually move on, even if it takes a while. 300 + messages a day is excessive regardless of the breakup style, so unless there's been a strong history of emotional *** I doubt this is just a you issue.
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That's it from me. Please take what I say with a pinch of salt, as I do not and cannot know the full situation.
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Take care, and may your situation improve.

[ThumperG]

On 1/21/2023 at 6:14 PM, Lady_Char said:

Am I the only person who feels this post is misogynistic?

This is not a trait of submissives or women, it's something that can occur with subs, Dominants, and all genders. Call it submissive obsession ***ts it wrongly imo.

No darling...you hit the nail right on the head when it comes to this. It goes this way every single time here, I was beginning to think that it was a Victoria's Secret staff meeting. I agree with you but hey, what would I know? 😉💜😎 

[se****]

Yeah, like most said "it can happen to anyone", and not a mental health issue. I try to think empathy. People having problems letting go.. it usually means they heavily invested their feelings (broken heart). On a positive note OP, she really did think you were her world, and alot of people would love to be seen like that. I would.🤷‍♀️ Negative is 🙈.

Edited January 24, 2023 by kiseu

[ThumperG]

58 minutes ago, kiseu said:

Yeah, like most said "it can happen to anyone", and not a mental health issue. I try to think empathy. People having problems letting go.. it usually means they heavily invested their feelings (broken heart). On a positive note OP, she really did think you were her world, and alot of people would love to be seen like that. I would.🤷‍♀️ Negative is 🙈.

I agree with you wholeheartedly, I also think there's an element of the loss of what they feel what could have been. I think it's not just the broken heart issue for some. But it's also kind of a form of grief for them in a way, if that makes sense?

[la****]

I am going through a similar situation with my previous sub. No restraining orders, thankfully. She was unwilling to be taught. And isn’t completely honest or unable to meet her standards or mine. She wanted to submit in her mind, but she would brat to a point of disrespect. Then, now after having to walk away, she is conflicted and generally unsure of herself. I have flirted with the idea of taking her back because I do see hope and promise and the hunger, but it’s definitely a situation to tread on very very lightly. It is certainly a bit of a pickle. I wish you the best of luck luck and be safe, sane and consensual.

[se****]

1 hour ago, ThumperG said:

But it's also kind of a form of grief for them in a way, if that makes sense?

Being on other side, it can look scary, but you are right on a form of grief.

[Ni****]

Since this was uploaded 4 days ago I assume you have it solved already. But if not and if you would care for advice from someone who is both a soft Dom and a service sub here it is. The two most important parts to me of a Dom/Sub relationship is boundaries and consent. If someone is actively taking either role then they should not only be aware of this but be willing to practice it. As a Dom I would recommend you calmly and firmly restate the guidelines and role rules originally discussed in your initial terms and include that ideology. If this is not respected you are not just a Dom you are a human being and deserve every right to your own safety sanity and well-being. If someone is infringing upon that right sometimes legal actions are a necessary recourse. I understand the desire to not wish to go this route so I stand with my recommendation of reminding the former sub of terms and conditions re-establishing the fact that there was a cessation in the relationship and calmly asserting your stance but also reassure them that they will be all right. Subs More often than not need that reassurance. It is not your job to make sure that they are all right but as their former Dom it is your responsibility to reassure them on the way out that they have the capacity to be okay. Do you understand the distinction I am trying to make? You are in a rough spot and I would not wish it on anyone. Sending my support from afar. Good luck.

[Al****]

I’ve never been a domme, nor to be s sub proper. I follow and agree with mistress, as mistress has ultimate word, which I obey and respect. :x

[littlemiss37]

Do what u need to do . How long did u end it ? I was a sub and had to let the Dom go then wanted him back . I had to delete his number and everything .then I looked at my part in it and emailed him to make amends for my part in the situation . I will admit I looked at his profile last night . I do miss him but the situation is what it is . I have bpd so that doesn't help . Trying to figure out how to delete his email address . We were friends and I felt a connection . Things r getting better a day at a time for me . X

[littlemiss37]

Hi a update. I'm now in a new dynamic and much happier in this dynamic than my other. It does get better one day at a time. Xx

[Deleted Member]

On 1/21/2023 at 2:50 PM, JCadax said:

Hello everyone.
I've encountered something I call "Submissive Obsession" which occurs when the sad realization that a Submissive refuses to let go. I've been in the lifestyle for many years and as some know Submissives can sometimes have a different perspective when the time has unfortunately come when the relationship is over . Causes can be : lack of certain submissive traits causing some to be unteachable, defining who is actually the dominant due to overwhelming instructions from the sub. Lack of connection and , or attraction in the relationship. Etc
I've had good experiences when the time has come. Different scenarios . Releasing the Sub , passing the sub along or just closing a chapter. The response can sometimes be unnerving , causing stress and disorder. A submissive that won't let go may send 300 texts in a day begging , pleading for forgiveness and then switch into a scorned, vindictive character pledging discomfort to you unless you take them back. Even declaring they will participate in dangerous actions until you reunite. Recently I've had to threaten a Sub with.a restraining order and reports to agencies that will take action to stop the madness. Usually it wears off , they lose interest or find another Dom. Yet some will stalk and harass you for years reminding you how." Special" they are and how you are miserable bastard .
Has anyone dealt with this scenario?
What did you do ? Did it resolve peacefully ,?
Have you ever taken the sub back just to stop the madness ?
I thought I'd become more cautious but current situations prove other wise . How did you learn from the situation and how have you applied it in your life .
Mental health issues are a reality and sometimes they are profound and need to be treated with the utmost respect .
Trick is not to be held hostage .
Not very dominant .

I didn't be with kinky person, but I was with someone similar behaviour after split, 

That would be simply person with narcissistic treat, or cptsd/ PTSD/ borderline all sorts of things as well would be trauma bonded. 

Will be obsession and rumination in such case. As well paranoid states.

What I can subjest to do for both of your sefety and recovery. " No Contact" Regime. 

Totally not contact if possible.

Person in that stage, got unstable level of adrenaline and cortisol in brain and body... Needs full therapy to grieving the break up. Not easy to go through but its possible.. that person got traumatized. 

[Chloebear]

I would say that this behaviour is more associated with personality than role as a sub, although a sub can become very dependent and attached and it’s important to end a dynamic carefully. I would also say imo that to experience this a lot - especially to the extremes of 300 messages a day - is quite unusual. It may be worth reflecting on who you choose when you look for a sub, the character traits and your vetting process. If you look for heavily bonded or dependent subs, you might have left yourself more open to this scenario. Not that stalking etc is acceptable, it isn’t, but if something happened repeatedly it’s worth asking why. The behaviours you mention are consistent with certain mental health disorders and those disorders are particularly drawn to subbing (that’s an observational and personal opinion, I’m not sure if it’s scientifically supported). This means it’s important to have an open and honest understanding of your sub and they of themselves to help support them or so that you know how to avoid triggering certain behaviours, or that this is something you cannot support at all.

[Nocturne]

I've engaged with subs with attachment issues, which to me seems like it would be an issue that could easily perpetuate obsessive behaviour. Besides one that threatened *** if I would leave, and then threatened homicide when I did leave, I've not dealt with dramatically obsessive behaviour. Still, I prefer to engage with subs that need their own space, want to take time to vet each other, and are less likely to project their issues onto me, so someone who does work on themselves in that regard. I know what those issues are like to have, and it's simply something that becomes tiresome to deal with if that person isn't working on it. I think that many Dom's can lean into perpetuating that kind of connection with their subs though, breeding dependence, so to say, pun not intended. A sub should always remain their own person, and I've now taken steps to take a bit of space at the first signs of potential dependence, if they start having trouble functioning without me very quickly, I'll talk to them about the issue and back off a bit so they can be their own person rather than see themselves as an extension of me. I believe that it's entirely possible to, as a Dom, learn to see the signs early and (temporarily) disengage to avoid perpetuating such a dynamic where either party cannot live without the other party.