Am I right to be outraged?

[cd****]

I’m still shocked by the attitudes and behaviours of some people I talk to in the community. What I’m not sure of, is whether I ought to be more tolerant, I always try to be, or whether I’m right to be outraged?

I know my circumstances and particular flavour of the lifestyle is not for everyone. I’m a poly DD, married but ENM, usually with several submissives at any one time. I’m always very transparent and for all involved this lifestyle has worked well for a long time. New partners come and go, but every one is enriched by the experience. I consider myself very lucky and in no way amoral.

I never kink shame. And very recently I was chatting with a new submissive (not new to kink or the lifestyle), who made me feel awful. It was probably a poor choice of words on her part, if I’m giving the benefit of the doubt. We’d been chatting for a couple of days, from the outset she’d ‘friendzoned’ me and I respected that. Not everyone wants to get involved with a Polyamorous Dom. But she wanted to be friends so I kept conversation friendly but flirty (the only kind I do). Long story short, she clearly felt at some point I was laying it on too thick. And what she threw out was that she couldn’t ‘morally’ be with someone like me.

To me, the implication was clear that I’m ‘amoral’, that my lifestyle choice is wrong and that she thought herself too good for me. Tantamount to kink shaming. Should I feel outraged?

[Deleted Member]

IMO if you feel it then you are right to.

[Milastorm]

I usually don't like to put myself out in public like this but since I can't send you a price private msg. I'll dowrn out right say it. What she did (idc if she is a sub or not) is classic gaslighting. Hope that helps.

[Milastorm]

There is much more to it than that, but too much to put in a comment....

[ol****]

Take this as a learning experience. It is entirely possible that you didn't read the exchsnge correctly.

[PJ****]

I think outraged is maybe the wrong word. I've encountered the same kind of attitude before and for me it usually just illicits a 'meh, you do you then' sort of feeling. It is a bit of a judgy comment to make but Id put it down to lack of understanding rather than anything else. I guess you can be involved in the kink world for years and not experience everything 🤷🏻‍♂️
If you treat other people with honesty and respect then dont take to heart what someone not in your shoes thinks 😁 that's my philosophy anyway.
If someone questions my integrity or motives, sure I'll take a moment to consider it. But if I'm satisfied in myself that I'm doing the right thing and not hurting anyone.. then I wont let comments like that affect me.

[Deleted Member]

This is just my opinion but honestly, if you and your wife are truly content with your dynamic then the opinions of others are irrelevant. Poly is not something that “sits right” with the majority of the population unfortunately and that is something you just have to accept until society moves on. It’s a risk you have to take when approaching or talking to others about a connection. Everyone has their own story and trauma and end up taking it out on others in random ways like this, i.e she may have been cheated on etc and you’ve triggered her. Enjoy your dynamic with likeminded people and try not to take others words to heart

[Deleted Member]

I agree with PJ. As long as your not harming someone intentionally and sometimes we have to think also that the other person may have had some traumatic experience or been listening to someone they trust that was wrong. We all fall short but in my opinion I never really have a right to judge as I maybe doing right now but I've had my share of being wrong and most of the time it was based on my own bad luck experience or lack of experience.

I can go to Texas Roadhouse for a steak and that night I get a piece of meat overcooked and had to wait 25 minutes to finally to get it. So I tell everyone how bad this restaurant was and in my mind it is bad. However, I didn't know there was a cook that happen to be feeling sick and just wasn't up to par and it had nothing to do about the restaurant. Therefore this was an isolated incident.

Well if you never go and try it for yourself and only listen to my experience you would be ignorant. Because nothing will make a person more ignorant than contempt prior to investigation

[ph****]

Her moral choices and feelings aren’t a reflection of you. I’d say I think maybe you took it the wrong way. Her words are hers.

[ge****]

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle, but want to make it clear that what you're doing isn't wrong in any way in my opinion.
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However I also don't think she was necessarily judging you or calling you amoral (although without her input or seeing the exchanges it's difficult to say for 100% sure) - we all have our own moral codes, some of them are very closely aligned with the vast majority of people, some may differ wildly from others - so it's entirely possible that regardless of yours OP and the fact you have an open poly relationship that this person's own moral code that she lives by doesn't allow her to indulge with "partnered" others - that doesn't mean she's judging you, just that your individual moral codes aren't aligned and compatible.
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Either way think that's how you have to look at it anyway regardless of what actually is the case.

[Pl****]

Honestly, I wouldn't get outraged here. She's allowed to have standards by whatever metrics she wants, and that's not the same thing as kink shaming. She's allowed to think she's better than you, and you're allowed to think you're better than her.

Quote

We’d been chatting for a couple of days, from the outset she’d ‘friendzoned’ me and I respected that. Not everyone wants to get involved with a Polyamorous Dom. But she wanted to be friends so I kept conversation friendly but flirty (the only kind I do). Long story short, she clearly felt at some point I was laying it on too thick. 

I'd say you were far more cringeworthy than she was. This whole paragraph is gross. If you really respected her lack of interest, you should have stopped being flirty. She said what she did because you pushed her boundaries and made her uncomfortable. Don't be that guy.

[me****]

‘Friends’ means different things for different people. If I was actively flirting with someone and they pulled back to say that they want to be friends, I would tend to cease the flirting entirely, at least until I can feel out what that friendship is. You’re entitled to be yourself and express that in a way that is genuine for you (being a constant flirt) but she’s also entitled to not want that type of friend.

Calling you amoral does feel like a poor choice of words, but as someone’s friend I would have wanted to investigate further into what she meant by that. If that investigation yields further insults I would just discontinue the conversation and possibly the friendship.

[AKA_Copper]

It's difficult because only you and she know the exact conversation and what meaning each of you took from it.
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My morals are my own and whilst there may be similarities, they will be different to the next persons and so it becomes a situation where each individual needs to consider whether they can be accepting of another persons morals or not, to be able to continue in any form of relationship.
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There are people here, for example, who I've chatted to for a while before realising that we have very different world views which did not fit my own ethics and/or moral code. Some of those people I no longer interact with at all purely because there's a disconnect there. Do I think that they're immoral? No. Do they think that I think that they're immoral? That's a question for them and maybe, if they do, that's their perception, who knows. But, unless someone's specifically called you immoral due to x, y, z or even without providing any context, then that's your own perception of that situation.

[Ju****]

Doesn't sound like kink shaming, but lifestyle, personal choice shaming. If it's not for her, then why did she bother to keep in touch?! She has no right to make comment or disgrace your relationship choices, especially if they don't involve her. Id'd simply say, perhaps she wasn't a good fit, into your life, even as a friend. Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself, especially if you find your life fulfilling and everyone consenting and agreeing with how it's going. She had no right.

[Se****]

Perhaps it was meant in the sense that her morals and view of the world didn’t lend to any form of relationship with someone who is poly or ENM.

It doesn’t necessarily mean she thinks that you’re amoral, rather that her view of the world and the way it works and what she can/can’t do doesn’t align with your view. I.e. she’d be going against her own morals by having any form of relationship other than platonic with you.

That said, none of us know the full context of the conversation, nor do we know either of you. Maybe she was implying what you suggest.

Are you still in contact? Could you question the meaning behind what she said/her intent?

If not maybe, for the sake of your own sanity, try to forget about it (easier said than done I know).

[Deleted Member]

Morality is different for everyone. Your lifestyle choice is yours. Don’t be put off by one person’s opinion. Just move on, there are plenty of other people.

[Deleted Member]

In order to be offended, insulted, or shamed, you have to allow it. If something bothers you, it’s not anyone’s fault but your own for allowing it to bother you. Only you can change how you react.

[Deleted Member]

I think that ypu should remember that a true kinkster would not judge you on your kinks or relationship style. Simple as that. This website is not indicative of the true community. Lots of pretenders on here. Block her and move on. Just because this is Fetish.com doesn't mean 100% of people are truly in the community. Or even know what Kink is. Do you. As long as you are open, communicative and consensual. Remember vast majority of the world is monogamous... that's their choice(questionable). Poly is yours. Stay strong and true. I think if you were untoward you wouldn't have even questioned the interaction. Never change for others... only for yourself. Lol mainstream vanilla ideologies run the world. Look at the mess they have made. They don't have any morale high ground. Enjoy your life. With integrity and honour of course.

[Deleted Member]

Why be offended about what someone else said just because their perception doesn't align with your self image? It's either true to some degree and you work on yourself, or you just laugh it off in confidence.

[do****]

I'll be more upset with the wasted time then what she said. Sticks and stones may break bones, but words will never hurt me. I am who I am therefore I be and fuck whoever does not like me 🤷🏾‍♂️

[Deleted Member]

Can't see why you would be outraged by the choices someone, you don't know other than by messages, if she decides it isn't something she was comfortable with morally, then that's up to her & can't see why you would be outraged.

Saying something isn't within your morals, doesn't mean you are saying someone else is amoral, it just means your moral choices are different & you should respect that,its their choice to make.

[Chloebear]

We all have different moral lines. What is morally right to one may be different to others, with broad consensus across the community on what steps into immoral but certainly grey areas too. I agree with others - what feels morally wrong to her is not to say she finds you amoral, just that within her view it doesn’t sit right. It is her choice as much as it is yours to choose. It’s not clear to me whether her comment was related to the poly aspect or the ‘quite strong’ flirtatious friendship you had. If she’s seeking mono and values that as an interaction style, I can see why heavy flirtation would jar with her moral standing - that is her way of conducting relationships. Additionally, it would somewhat make it awkward if a friend continued to chat that way, but that may be just my view.

If she started a mono dynamic, remaining friends with another flirtatious poly Dom could be a conflict of interests… or she may find it tricky to separate the feelings she would have in the situation of your subs, even though they would not react the same way since they are poly partners.

Really, there could be many reasons… but you choose whether to feel it’s a comment on your lifestyle or her own. I would recommend having the discussion with her. Sometimes people done understand poly and the way it’s done totally. The discussion could help you both.

[QXX666]

I dont think you are being very clear about what’s happened exactly but that’s up to you.
One thing that jump out clearly is that you kept being flirty when she told you she wasn’t interested so why not keep the conversation above that? Second why she would keep conversing with you if she doesn’t agreed with your lifestyle.
Too many smoking screen to give a clear opinion on if you are offended or not.
But why been bothered ? If she doesn’t understand the situation then move on… you only met her few days ago

[Deleted Member]

You get the most flak when you are over the target. If she didn't like you she wouldn't care to put the energy in to get upset that she can't have you to herself. Sounds like a selfish little cum slut if you ask me.

[Chloebear]

1 hour ago, Aftermath said:

You get the most flak when you are over the target. If she didn't like you she wouldn't care to put the energy in to get upset that she can't have you to herself. Sounds like a selfish little cum slut if you ask me.

She’s not the one who posted though. There’s are three sides to every story… worth remembering. And having a difference of opinion doesn’t mean you’re selfish, nor does mono. It’s just a different way of doing things.